Chuckle 2404

Chuckle 2404
(Linda M of Eugene OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)



Senior health care solution - (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

So you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you - what do you do?


Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 Senators and 2 Representatives but not necessarily dead!



Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, and all the health care you need! New teeth - no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered. (And your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now).

And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you they cannot afford for you to go into a home.

Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.

IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR W HAT?

Personally I liked the cruise ship solution better.---Jerry---
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(Bev’s New Maxines)



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There are only nine questions.

This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry that I didn't. These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers.

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

To be Con’t…

Answers to Quiz:

1... The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends: Boxing.

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward: Niagara Falls. (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)

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(Have a great day!)

Crypt 2403

Chuckle 2403
(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks.)



~Tide~ (2nd time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.



Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.







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(Click Today in History and learn.)


Today in History from Yahoo
Copy and paste to your browser
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history


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(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
Copy and paste to your browser
(Word for the Day)

http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/
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(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Copy and paste to your browser
Today's Horoscope )
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

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(Bev’s New Maxines)







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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

2402

Chuckle 2402
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~SEX AFTER DEATH~ (2nd time around) (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

“Marion ... Marion”

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.



I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

"No...........I'm a rabbit in Arizona

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(Classifieds from Lora S of Florence OR )

GEORGIA PEACHES California grown - 89 cents/lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

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(Bev’s New Maxines)



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(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2401

Chuckle 2401
(Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD PEOPLE~
(2nd time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
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(Bev’s New Maxines)



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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2400

Chuckle 2400
(Rich C of Yuma AZ gets today's chuckle thanks.)



~The Redhead~ (2nd time around) (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye flew out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman said as she popped her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she said

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listens...

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. .

She said...

"You just happened to catch my eye."
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(Bev’s New Maxines)



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(Classifieds from Lora S of Florence OR )

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big reward.

COWS: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale...

NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
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(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2399

Chuckle 2399
(Sheila M of Rough and Ready CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Equal Privileges~ sent to me on
12-19-2000 (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Golf Times: A country club didn't allow women on the golf course. Eventually, there was enough pressure that they decided to allow women on the course during the week. The ladies were satisfied with this arrangement, formed “a woman’s club and became very active. (After about 6 months, the club board received a letter from the women’s club complaining about the men, urinating on the golf course. Naturally, they just ignored the matter. After another 6 months, they received another letter reminding them of the previous letter and demanding action. After due deliberation they sent the women a letter advising them that they had been granted equal privileges!

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
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(Bev’s New Maxines)



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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2398

Chuckle 2398
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Golf Story ~ Sent to me from Rick in 2004 (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6".

He thanked her and continued playing golf. Later he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on."

She told him "you are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you 13."

Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales."

He replied, "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"

She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh.

He promised.

She said, "I sell WHISPER (Sanitary Napkins)" .

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh". He replied, "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper........ I'm still one hole behind you."

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

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(Bev’s New Maxines)


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(Classifieds from Lora S of Florence OR )

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER..
8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.. Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog. Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

Chuckle 2397

Chuckle 2397
(Chet and Phyllis S of Pasadena CA get today's chuckle thanks.)


~My Favorite Animal ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6differences.)

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now...???
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(Bev’s New Maxines)



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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle2396

Chuckle 2396

Brenda N of Florence OR gets todays Chuckle thanks

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Bev's new Maxines

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~Lovemaking tips for seniors~ From Phyllis H.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..

8.. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!
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(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2395

Chuckle 2395
(Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA gets today's chuckle thanks.)




Ron was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible.
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(Bev’s New Maxines)

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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2394

Chuckle 2394
(Linda M of Eugene OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Jose and Carlos~

Jose and Carlos are both beggars.

They beg in different areas of town.

Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about eight or nine dollars a day.

Every day, Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills. He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has lots of cash to spend.

"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?"

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos' sign reads;

“I have no work, a wife and
six kids to support.”

"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.

"No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a day!"

Carlos says, "Alright, so what does your sign say?"

Jose's sign reads:

“I only need ten dollars to get back to Mexico”
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(Maxine from my own collection.)


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~Lovemaking Tips for Seniors. ~

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember...

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
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(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2393

Chuckle 2393
(Pat M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~A new blonde joke!!!~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)


After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?' The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gators swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.

Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration. ....


SHIT! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO.
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(Maxine from my own collection.)




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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2392

Chuckle 2392
(Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~An Old Nun~

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site
noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch;
sit with the workers; and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and
walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked:
"And do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other... very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,
"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"
The worker yelled back,


"'Cause his wife's here with his lunch."

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(Maxine from my own collection.)



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~Lovemaking Tips for Seniors. ~ Sent by Phyllis H

This one is sent around every month or so as a public service to forgetful geezers.
(Am not sure why I got it or why I'm fwding to you younguns on my list!!)

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting... (Turn them ALL OFF!)
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(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2391

Chuckle 2391

Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks!

~Hot Dog~(2nd time around)

(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

One hot summer day, a Lady came to town with her

dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a

restaurant for something cold to drink. Twenty minutes

later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked,

'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The Lady said it was hers.

'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

That's why I put her in the shade, said the Lady

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog

needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the Lady. 'My dog doesn't need bread.

She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin'.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO!

You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'

(You gotta love this)

The Lady looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead.

I always wanted a police dog.'
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Maxine from my own collection




Lovemaking Tips For Seniors. From Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA

This one is sent around every month or so as a public service to forgetful geezers.

(Am not sure why I got it, or why I'm fwding to you younguns on my list ! ! )

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

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Have a Good One

Chuckle 2390

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