Chuckle 2593

Chuckle 2593
(Lora S of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)



~Rio Grande River Crossing~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Calvin.

I saw a fundamentalist Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River this morning; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.

Along with him was an illegal Hispanic drug cartel member who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.
If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.

Being a responsible Oregonian and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the Cove & County Sheriff’s Office and Homeland Security.

It is now 4pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.

I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps

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The Last of Calvin Thank You Mona!

Chuckle 2591

Chuckle 2591
(Pam S of Citrus Hts. CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)



~Three short chuckles. ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

I called and the answering machine message was........ "I am not available right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

**************************************************

A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother." Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER."

**************************************************

A woman asks man who is traveling with six children,

"Are all these kids yours?"*

The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these

are customer complaints".

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Chuckle 2592

Chuckle 2592
(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~A teacher with no sense of humor! ~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Calvin.

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...?

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_________________________________________________________

(This is from Mona L of Florence OR)

(Calvin’s Snowmen)





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So Long for Now! ~~ Mr. Chuckles~

Chuckle 2590

Chuckle 2590
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)



~THE GAY COWBOY ~ (2nd time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.


Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra...” Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

(P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either)

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______________________________________________________

(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2589

Chuckle 2589
(Jack S of Santa Cruz CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)

"She called Five Horses". (2nd time around) (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Calvin

This is mythical and deep.

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She called Five Horses".




The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.

What does it mean?"



The Old Indian answered,

"It old Indian Name. It mean...

NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!


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________________________________________________________________

(This is from Mona L of Florence OR)

(Calvin’s Snowmen)




So long for now! ---Mr Chuckles---

Chuckle 2588

Chuckle 2588
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~The Mexican Maid - or how to be an excellent negotiator...~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did"

Wife increasingly agitated:

"Oh he did, did he???"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.

"And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora...... The gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

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____________________________________________________________

(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2587

Chuckle 2587

(Lora S of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Help from Police~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Calvin.

Double click picture to read.


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(Calvin’s Snowmen)

Chuckle 2587

Chuckle2586
(Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~A Compassionate Lawyer ~ (2nd time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the Lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.

The grass is almost a foot high."

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__________________________________________________________

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Chuckle 2585

Chuckle 2585
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks.)




~No Money for A Doctor~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Calvin.











If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport - you'll get a free x-ray and a pat down, and; if you mention Al Qaeda, you'll get a free colonoscopy.
______________________________________________________________________
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________________________________________________________

(from Mona L of Florence OR)

(Calvin’s Snowmen)

Chuckle 2584

Chuckle 2584
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~STRESS~

~This is the true meaning of stress. ~

Stress is a terrible thing....so, coping with it is important!!!

Levels of stress:

You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to hospital. Now that's stressful!

But at the hospital they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you are going to be a father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful!

So then...... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and probably have been since birth. You are extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids at home.

NOW THAT'S STRESS!!

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________________________________________________________

(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2583

Chuckle 2583
(Gwenda B of Junction City OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Norwegian Fire Department Saves Secret Formula! ~ (2nd time around)

(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Calvin’s Snowmen.)

NORWEGIAN FIRE DEPARTMENT

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer Fire Company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat! **&%#@ truck!"

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___________________________________________________________

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(Calvin’s Snowmen)


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So long for now! From the rainy Oregon coast.
--- Mr. Chuckles---

Chuckle 2581

Chuckle 2581
(Lora S of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~BUTTERCUPS AND GOLF BALLS~
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine and Calvin

Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden? POOF!!

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make
those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any
butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life... better still, you
won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.... As a
matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of
your life!!!'

Then POOF! She was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred,
where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred!' FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T
SWING!!!'
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(From Mona L of Florence OR)
(Calvin’s Snowmen)



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Well it looks like wind and rain all this week on the Oregon coast, Gad !! So long for now!

---Mr. Chuckles---

Chuckle 2580

Chuckle 2580
(Pam S of Roseville CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Wal-Mart Cake Order~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

It took me a second, so make sure you read the story under the picture. Keep in mind this actually happened. This cake is for someone who was moving.



Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:

Wal-Mart Employee: "Hello 'dis be Wal-Mart's, how can I help you?"

Customer: "I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week."

Wal-Mart Employee: "What you want on da cake?"

Customer: " 'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that 'We will miss you'."

STOP LAUGHING! You can't fix stupid.

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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2579

Chuckle 2579
(Mac M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~But Officer~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Calvin

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'

'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the Irishman.

'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'

'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.

'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'

'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs Paddy. 'For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'

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________________________________________________________

(This is a new series from Mona L of Florence OR)

~Calvin~


___________________________________________________________

So long for now!

Chuckle 2578

Chuckle 2578
(Linda M of Eugene OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)



~JESUS AND THE DEMOCRAT~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a bad back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?

The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the floor.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.

The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ... I'm collecting disability.."

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(Maxine from my own collection.)




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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)