Chuckle 2619

Chuckle 2619 (Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today's chuckle thanks.) ~Two Short Ones from Phyllis~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, Bumper Stickers from Charlie. While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist’s desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother’s lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.' ***** As I was nursing my baby, my cousin’s six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them..' This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm ________________________________________________________ Today in History Click http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history Word for the day Click http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/ For today's Horoscope click http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/ ________________________________________________________ (Maxine from my own collection.) ________________________________ Bumper Stickers from Charlie: This is the end of this series, next will be typos and bad editing on church bulletins. ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________ Try real hard to have a good day.

Chuckle 2618

Chuckle 2618 (Keith K of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.) ~BIG PEOPLE WORDS~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.) A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them. She asked John what he had done over the weekend? 'I went to visit my Nana.' 'No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!' She then asked Mitchell what he had done 'I took a ride on a choo-choo.' She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words.' She then asked little Alex what he had done. 'I read a book,' he replied. That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read? Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, 'Winnie the SHIT' This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm _____________________________________________________________ Today in History Click http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history Word for the day Click http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/ For today's Horoscope click http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/ ________________________________________________________ (Maxine from my own collection.) _______________________________________________________ (Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2617 (Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks.) ~ Worst day of my life~ (2nd time around) (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Bumper Stickers from Charlie: I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a big, trouble-making biker stepped up next to me, grabbed my drink and gulped it down. "So? What are you gonna do about that?" he says, menacingly. "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me." "I came to this bar to work up the courage to end it all. I buy a drink, drop a capsule in and sit here watching the arsenic dissolve. Then some jerk appears, grabs my drink and tossed it down with one chug!" "But enough about me. How's your day going?" __________________________________________________________ Today in History Click http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history Word for the day Click http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/ For today's Horoscope click http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/ ________________________________________________________ (Maxine from my own collection.) __________________________________________________________ Bumper Stickers from Charlie: __________________________________________________________ TRY AGAIN TO HAVE A NICE DAY

Chuckle 2616

Chuckle 2616
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Bear Trouble~ (2nd time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof.

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2615

Chuckle 2615
(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Maxine’s Thoughts on “If My Body Were a Car”~ (2nd time around with new ending) (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Bumper Stickers from Charlie.)

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull... But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.

My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it…



Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

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Try to have a good day!

Chuckle 2614

Chuckle 2614
(Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Drinking With a Redneck Saskatchewan Girl~(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A Mexican, an Arab, and a Saskatchewan redneck girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The Saskatchewan girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.

Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,

'In Canada we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

'God Bless Canada’

You gotta love those Saskatchewan gals!!!

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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2613

Chuckle 2613
(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~THE CURTAIN RODS~ (2nd time around) (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Bumper Stickers from Charlie:

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things...

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!!!

People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

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Chuckle 2612

Chuckle 2612
(Lora S of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

SUITS $5.00

~Bubba and Billy Bob~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each.”

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Bob, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take'em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and won't wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from Alabama, ain't ya?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba...."How come you knowed that?"

"Because this is a dry cleaner"

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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2611

Chuckle 2611
(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Born a Baptist ~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Bumper Stickers from Charlie:

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and as he rushed into Bubba's yard clutching a rosary preparing to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.
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Have a Good One !!

Chuckle 2610

Chuckle 2610
(Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Joke Without a Dirty Word in It ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A Small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best Piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.'

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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2610

Chuckle 2609
(Dean O of Florence OR, sent this to me in 2003, it was sent out as chuckle 86.)

~Put Out The Cat ~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Bumper Stickers from Charlie)

(You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one.)

A couple was all dressed and ready to go out for the evening.
They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.
The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They didn't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband went inside to get the cat. The cat ran up the stairs with the man in hot pursuit.
The wife didn't want the driver to know the house would be empty. She explained to the taxi driver that her husband would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband got into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long," he said, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the backyard!"
The cabdriver hit a parked car...
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(Maxine from my own collection.)

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(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2608

Chuckle 2608
(Anonymous gets today's chuckle thanks.)

Jack Russell Terrier
~Smart Dog~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa, taking his faithful, elderly Jack Russell named Killer, along for the company.

One day the old Jack Russell starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Jack Russell thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old Jack Russell exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!” says the leopard, "That was close! That old Jack Russell nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby! tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old Jack Russell sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old Jack Russell sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Jack Russell says.. "Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Doesn’t mess with the old dogs...age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bullhockey and brilliance only come with age and experience.

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(Maxine from my own collection.)


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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2607

Chuckle 2607
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~WHY PARENTS DRINK ~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Charlie’s Bumper Stickers.

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children..

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so

Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy’s house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that’s in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.



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Wally has something to say:

Chuckle 2606

Chuckle 2606
(Phyllis L Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)



~Out of Gas~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.

As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.

Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic'!!




In God we trust!

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