Chuckle 2761

Chuckle 2761
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)


~Wal-Mart Senior Greeter ~ (Second time around) (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Men Can Fix Anything)

You just have to appreciate this one. Young people forget that we old people had a career before we retired...

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but you’re being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.”

“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I’ll try harder.”

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, “It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning so late and so often?"

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, and then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said, ‘Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?’”


_______________________________________________________

Today in History Click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)






__________________________________________________

(Men Can Fix Anything) from Linda M of Florence)

Chuckle 2760

Chuckle 2760
(Nicky H of Florence gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Father of the Bride~ + ~Shrink out of Sink~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

******************************************************************************************
~Shrink out of Sink~

A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?'

'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?'

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)








________________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2759

Chuckle 2759
~Another Chuckle from my archives~

Chuckle 29 Sent by Jayne and John who gets today's Chuckle thanks.)
On Wednesday, November 22, 2000 4:05 PM
(Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and
Men Can Fix Anything)



Q: What do you call someone half Indian and half Chinese?
A: UG-LEE!
------------------------------
Introducing Willie Wong's Best Educational Seller: "Learn Chinese in 5
Minutes"
English: He's cleaning his automobile
Chinese: Wa Shing Ka
English: This is a tow away zone
Chinese: No Pah King
English: Is there a fugitive here?
Chinese: Hu Yu Hai Ding?
English: Small Horse
Chinese: Tai Ni Po Ni
English: Your price is too high!!!
Chinese: No Bai Nut Ding!!!
English: Did you go to the beach
Chinese: Wai Yu So Tan?
English: I bumped into a coffee table
Chinese: Ai Bang Mai Ni
English: It's very dark in here
Chinese: Wai So Dim?
English: Has your flight been delayed?
Chinese: Hao Long Wei Ting?
English: I thought you were on a diet?
Chinese: Wai Yu Mun Ching?
English: They have arrived
Chinese: Hai Dei Kum
English: Your body odor is offensive
Chinese: Yu Stin Ki Pu
English: You know lyrics to the Macarena?
Chinese: Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
English: I got this for free
Chinese: Ai No Pei
English: Stay out of sight
Chinese: Lei Lo
English: Phew! Does this bathroom stink!
Chinese: Hu Flung Dung?
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________________________________________________________


(Maxine from my own collection.)



________________________________________________________

(Men Can Fix Anything) from Linda M of Florence)



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Chuckle 2758

Chuckle 2758

(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's Chuckle thanks.)
From my archives Chuckle 118 sent October 14, 2003,

Chuckle 118 ~Home from Work~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.

Afterward, as he came downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.

"How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"

"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"

The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years and I wasn't about to start now!"

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)


___________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2757

Chuckle 2757
(Phyllis in Pasadena CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)


~PAINTING THE CHURCH ~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Some Bumper Stickers for the Elderly...)

Painting the Church There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.........

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.




Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...

(You’re going to love this)



>





>





>





>





>



“Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

"Blessed are the cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light “

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Today in History Click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)
Things you’d like to say.



________________________________________________________

(Bumper Stickers for the Elderly...) from Phyllis in Pasadena
This is the last bumper sticker, new series starts Wed.

Chuckle 2755

Chuckle 2756
(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Two Short One’s~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

At the Super Market

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'

________________________________________________

What Would You Like Them to Say?'

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'

Artie said: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'

Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'

Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'

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__________________________________________

Maxine from my own collection





_______________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2755

Chuckle 2755
(Elva B of Coldwell ID gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Grandpa~ (Second time around)
(Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Some Bumper Stickers for the Elderly...)


___________________________________________________________

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_______________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)
Things you would like to say!





__________________________________________________________

(Bumper Stickers for the Elderly...) from Phyllis in Pasadena

Chuckle 2754

Chuckle 2754

(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Norma~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A sweet grandmother Telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,

"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said,

"Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied,

"Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,

"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."
__________________________________________________________

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



________________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2753

Chuckle 2753
(Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Texas Grandma~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Some Bumper Stickers for the Elderly...)

My kinda Grandma!! The topic was Texas conceal carry law. One of the speakers related the following story:

On the way to the previous monthly meeting, an elderly lady was stopped by a highway patrolman. He asks for her driver’s license and insurance. The lady took out the required information and handed it to the patrolman. In with the cards he was surprised to see she had a conceal carry permit. He looked at her and asked if she had a weapon in her possession at this time. She responded that she indeed had .45 automatic in her glove box. Something, body language or the way she said it made him want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now he had to ask one more time if that was all, she responded once again she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. The officer then asks her what was she so afraid of.

She looked him right in the eye and said, "Not a damn thing!"

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_______________________________________________________

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____________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



____________________________________________________

(Bumper Stickers for the Elderly...) from Phyllis in Pasadena

Chuckle 2752

Chuckle 2752

(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~GRANDFATHER OF THE YEAR~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3- year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the candy aisle, for biscuits in the bread aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes, and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes. Stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William ...the little shit's name is Kevin."

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



______________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2751

Chuckle 2751
(Anon. gets today's Chuckle thanks.)


~Lotto~ (Second time around)
(Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Some Bumper Stickers for the Elderly...)

A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray.. .''God please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto.

Lotto night comes and she does not win. Brandi again prays... ''God, please let me win the lotto! I’ve lost my business, my house and now I'm going to lose my car, ''

Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays... '' Dear Lord, why have you forsaken me'?? I’ve 'lost my business my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask for helps and l have always been a good servant to you.

Oh PLEEEEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so l can get my life back in order. Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens opened and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God himself...

''Brandi, work with me on this. Buy a ticket.”

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



_________________________________________________________

(Bumper Stickers for the Elderly...) from Phyllis in Pasadena

Chuckle 2750

Chuckle 2750
(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Nymphomaniac Convention~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A man boarded an aircraft at London’s Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ...."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality...”

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)


____________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2749

Chuckle 2749
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Rose~ (Second time around) (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Some Bumper Stickers for the Elderly...)

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'



The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)
Things you’d like to says.



_________________________________________________________

(Bumper Stickers for the Elderly...) from Phyllis in Pasadena

Chuckle 2748

Chuckle 2748
(Pat M of Florence gets today's Chuckle thanks.)


~Lady Driver Over 50~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.



Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Don't Mess With Mature Ladies
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



___________________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2747

Chuckle 2747

(Elva B of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~A few Stories from the South~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and (Some Bumper Stickers for the Elderly...)

Mississippi:

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

Tennessee:

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas:

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)


__________________________________________________________

(Bumper Stickers for the Elderly...) from Phyllis in Pasadena