Chuckle 3278

Chuckle 3278

(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today’s chuckle thanks.)

~Married 50 years~ (Second time around)(Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Signs from Mac M)

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!

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(Today in History Click)
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_______________________________________________________ 

(Maxine)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

___________________________________________________________

 

Signs from Mac M of Florence OR

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 3277

Chuckle 3277

(Keith K of Florence OR gets todays chuckle thanks.)

~Repairing Hearts & Growing Older~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Find the 6 differences,  )

  A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.  The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

 

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

 

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.  The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine.  I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.  So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

 

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running."

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(Today in History Click)
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_____________________________________________________ 

 

(Maxine)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_______________________________________________________

 

Find the six differences; for puzzle click clip.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 3276

 Chuckle 3276

(Keith K of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks.)

~A Nun at Hooter~(Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Signs from Mac M )

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, 'OK,
but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there

wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand.

Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender,

Would you like a drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink...

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 (Today in History Click)
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____________________________________________________ 

 (Maxine)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

______________________________________________________________

 

 

Signs from Mac M of Florence OR

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 3275

Chuckle 3275

(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today’s chuckle thanks.)

~The 5th Affair~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Find the 6 differences,)

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.  "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?"  Exclaimed the man.  "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."  The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"  The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

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_______________________________________________________

 

(Maxine)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_______________________________________________________

 

Find the six differences; for puzzle click clip.

 

 

 

Chuckle3274

Chuckle 3274

(Gary B of La Habra CA gets todays chuckle thanks.)

~SISTER MARY ANN'S ;    GASOLINE~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Signs from Mac M )

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.

As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.  The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.

Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.  She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Lutherans watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said,

'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic'!!

In God we trust!

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 ________________________________________________________

 

(Maxine)

 

__________________________________________________________________

 

Signs from Mac M of Florence OR

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 3273

Chuckle 3273

(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks.)

~Lucky Bruce~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Find the 6 differences)

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10… Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

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_______________________________________________________ 

(Maxine)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

________________________________________________________

 

Find the six differences;

 

Chuckle 3272

Chuckle 3272

(Rick of Surrey BC gets todays chuckle thanks.)

~I Want a Raise~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope,
Maxine and Signs from Mac M)

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you? Boss: Sure, come on in… What can I do for you? Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years. Boss: Yes. Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first. Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is  just not the right time. Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the  current economic down turn has had a negative  impact on sales, But you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company  for over a decade.. Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound? Employee: Great! It's a deal Thank you, sir! Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies are after you? Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!  _____________________________________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/   ____________________________________________________________   (Maxine)   _____________________________________________________________   Signs from Mac M of Florence OR

 

Chuckle 3271

 

(Keith K of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks.)

~De Parrot - He Is Dead~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Find the 6 differences)

Think this has been around, but here it is again

At dawn the telephone rings,

 

"Hello, Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Señor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob ...."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Señor Bob, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught onfire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Señor Bob."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Señor Bob ...."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Señor Bob. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE...........

LONG SILENCE.........

VERY LONG SILENCE............

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."

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(Today in History Click)
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___________________________________________________________

 

(Maxine)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_____________________________________________________

 

 

Find the six differences; for puzzle click clip.