Chuckle 3621

Chuckle 3621
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Nicky H of Florence OR)

~Saying Grace~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

This is a story about my grandson Gavin and an experience at a restaurant.

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.

My eight-year-old grandson Gavin asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great.

Thank you for the food, and I would thank you even more if Papa gets us
ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman
remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know
how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why I never!"

Hearing this, my grandson Gavin burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong?
Is God mad at me?"

So after I assured him that he had done a terrific job and that God was
certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.

He winked at my grandson Gavin and said, "I happen to know that God thought that
was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grandson Gavin asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark
had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A
little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul."

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My
grandson Gavin stared at his ice cream for a moment, and then he did something I
will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in
front of the woman.

With a big smile he told her: "Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass,
you grouchy old bitch!"

Kind of brings tears to your eyes, doesn't it?

PS My Granddaughters Katie and Madison offered to help shove it!  LOL

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___________________________________________________________________

Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Herman

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 3620

Chuckle 3620

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Mac M of Florence OR)

~City Traffic~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diffs)

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own
business and patiently waiting for it to turn green, even though there
was no on-coming traffic.

A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American
slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of
their car, and a " Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side,
was stopped next to me.

 

Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akbar! Praise Allah!" and took off
before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding
through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it
completely and killing everyone in it.

 

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man....that
could have been me!"

 

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

 

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 ______________________________________________________________

 

Maxine

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Find the 6 diff's

Chuckle 3619

Chuckle 3619
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Sue J of Florence OR)

~The ZIPPER~ (Second time around) (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Alberta cowboy who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The cowboy smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

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 ________________________________________________________________

Maxine

_________________________________________________________

Herman

Chuckle 3618

Chuckle 3618
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Phyllis S of Pasadena CA)

~FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven… He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, And Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, It is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering An entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to Pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance Exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test As it was.'

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I Know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. First: What two days of the week Begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questionsover. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and Says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, Tell me your answers.'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the First one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and He exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do Have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit For that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.

'How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about That, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds In a year?' Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, Though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give You credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated And frustrated St Peter.

'Ok, I can understand how you Came up with your answers to my first two questions, But just how in the World did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest One of all,' Forrest replied. ‘I learnt it from the song, ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, And said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

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_________________________________________________________________ 

Maxine

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Find the 6 Diff's

Chuckle 3617

Chuckle 3617 Classic
Chuckle 181 (sent out in Dec 2003)

(Thanks go to Willie and Joy of Sacramento for these Chuckles!)

~How to impress: ~( Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman

True or False???

How to Impress a Woman:

* Wine her, * Dine her, * Call her, * Hug her, * Support her, * Hold her, * Surprise her, * Compliment her,

*Smile at her, * Listen to her, * Laugh with her, * Cry with her,

*Romance her, * Encourage her, * Believe in her, * Pray with her,

*Pray for her, * Cuddle with her, * Shop with her, * Give her jewelry,* Buy her flowers, * Hold her hand, * Write love letters to her,

*Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.

How to impress a man:

* Show up naked ... Bring chicken wings ... Don't block the TV

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(Another one from Willie and Joy)

~Little Johnny: ~

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.

"Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny.  "Giving up?"

 

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 __________________________________________________________________

Maxine

__________________________________________________________________

Herman

Chuckle 3616

Chuckle 3616
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Ron J of Florence OR)

~Is This a Great Country or What? ~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 diff’s)

Stolen purse in Brunswick, Georgia

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Today in History Click)
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 ______________________________________________________________

Maxine

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Find the 6 diff''s

Chuckle 3615

Chuckle 3615 Classic
Chuckle 316 (Sent out in April 2004) This is a little long but a fun read.  ---Jerry---

(Rick in Surrey BC gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~The Middle Wife by an Anonymous 2nd Grade Teacher: ~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.

And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome. Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.

First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there.

He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me.

The kids are watching her in amazement. "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.

"She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!" Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her back and groaning “My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man."

"They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall. "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest.

Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along. 

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 ____________________________________________________________________

Maxine

________________________________________________________________

Herman

Chuckle 3614

Chuckle 3614 (8-23)
(Today’s Chuckles thanks go to Mac M of Florence OR)

~Women Drivers~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

Everyone reading this will enjoy it - no matter which gender you are.

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman In a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph.

With her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds...To continue shaving and when I looked back, she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I had to put on my seat belt and I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into my coffee which was between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins. Ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

 Damn women drivers!

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 ______________________________________________________

Maxine

_____________________________________________________________


Herman

Chuckle 3613

Chuckle 3613
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Mac M of Florence OR)

As only the Irish can tell a story!!!!!!

 ~Walking on Water~ (Second time around) (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been
able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

 On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the pub on the
far side for their first legal drink.

 So when Paddy’s 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a
boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and
nearly drowned!

 Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

 Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother..

 "Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can’t I walk across the
lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"

 Granny looked deeply into Paddy’s, troubled blue eyes and said,
"Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born
in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya
idiot!"

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 ________________________________________________________________

Maxine

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Find the 6 Diff's

Chuckle 3612

Chuckle 3612

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Ron J of Florence OR)

~Hot Dogs~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 diff’s)

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, and one says to the other, 
"I hear the people in this country actually eat dogs."

 "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we
might as well do as the Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, "Hot Dogs get your dogs here”, and both walk towards the hot dog cart.

 "Two dogs, please!" says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps
both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.

Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

 The mother superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush, and then, after staring at it for a moment, leans 
to the other nun and in a soft brogue  whispers:

 "What part did you get?"

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___________________________________________________________ 

Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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6 Diffs 

 
 
 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 3611

Chuckle 3611
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Nicky H of Florence OR)

~ The Brothel~ (Second time around) (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

The madam opened the brothel door in Salt Lake City and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.  Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts.  The price is still $5000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.  After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. 

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row." "Where are you from?"

The man replied, "Idaho."
"Really," she said.  "I have family in Idaho.”

" I know." the man said.  "Your sister died, and I am her attorney.  She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

 The moral of the story is that three (3) things in life are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer!

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 ______________________________________________________

Maxine

__________________________________________________________________

Herman