Chuckle 3644

Chuckle 3644
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Ron J of Florence OR)

~A Widow~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 diff’s)

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt.  Prepare yourself to be a widow.   Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

 Visibly shaken, the young woman stared back at the old woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.  Her mind raced.  A question forced its way out... she simply had to know.  She met the fortune teller's gaze, tried to steady her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

(For some reason, wives tend to like this joke.)  ---Ron---

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Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Find the 6 diff's

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 3643

Chuckle 3643
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Phyllis S of Pasadena CA)

~'Good morning Pastor,'~ (Second time around) (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

 One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this? The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.' Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the10:45?'

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 _________________________________________________________________

Maxine

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Ckuckle 3642

Chuckle 3642

(Today’s Chuckle thank go to Nancy V of Florence OR)

 ~THE   'Y'  CHROMOSOME~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and

People born before 1946 are called -

The Greatest Generation.

People born between 1946 and 1964 are called -

The Baby Boomers.

People born between 1965 and 1979 are called -

Generation X.

And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called -

Generation Y.

Why do we call the last group -Generation Y ?

Y should I get a job?

Y should I leave home and find my own place?

Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?

Y should I clean my room?

Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?

Y should I buy any food?

But perhaps a cartoonist explained it most eloquently below...

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Maxine

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Chuckle 3641

Chuckle 3641
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Holly S of Chicago Ill)

~Phone Problems~ (Second time around) ( Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

An Ellisville school teacher called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

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Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 3640

Chuckle 3640
(Today’s Chuckle thank go to Mac M of Florence OR)

~The Last Kiss ~(Second time around) (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 diff’s)

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

"Hey Baby..... whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... Why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

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 __________________________________________________________

Maxine

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Chuckle 3639

Chuckle 3639

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Gary B of La Habra CA)

~An Irish Father and Son go to the Local Bar~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink.

 Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.

  I got him a Miller Genuine. He didn't like it – so I drank it.

  Then I got him an Old Style, he didn't like it either, so I drank it.

  It was the same with the Coors and Bud.

  By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey, I could hardly push the stroller back home.

 

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Maxine 

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Herman

Chuckle 3638

Chuckle 3638
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Ron J of Florence OR)

~Farmer Jack~ (Second time around) (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 diff’s)

Farmer Jack once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.

So Farmer Jack called the local police station to complain,

You've got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens," he said to the local police officer.

"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer Jack called the policeman and said, "You've still got to do something about these drivers. The ˜school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!"

So again, they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY. That really sped them up. So Farmer Jack called and said, "Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

In order to get Farmer Jack off his back said "Sure. Put up your own sign.

The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the Officer, so he called Farmer Jack, How's the problem with the speeding drivers. did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.

The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down...

So he drove out to Farmer Jack's house.

His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.

'NUDIST COLONY' Slow down and watch for chicks!

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Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Chuckle 3637

Chuckle 3637
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA)

~Sunday Morning Service~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

While the priest was presenting a children's sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the Resurrection was.

 

Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

 

 

 

 

 

 In response to the question, a little boy raised his hand.

 

         

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

   Little Charlie Baumann

 The priest called on him and the boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

It took ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.

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Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Herman

 

 

Chuckle 3636

Chuckle 3636
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Mac M of Florence OR)

~Only a Golfer Would Understand~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 diff’s)

Only a golfer would understand this story of a GOLFER AT THE DENTIST. A man and his wife walked into a dentist’s office. The man said to the dentist,  Doc, I’ m in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don’t have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it’s 9:30 already I don’ t have time to wait for the anesthetic to work! The dentist thought to himself my goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain. So the dentist asks him, which tooth is it sir? The man turned to his wife and said, Open your mouth honey, and show him!

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Maxine

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Chuckle 3635

Chuckle 3635
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Phyllis S of Pasadena CA)

~Atheist in the Woods~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman)
An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees! 'What powerful rivers! 'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the
bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards
him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his
shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even 
closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right
on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his
right paw to strike him....

At that instant the Atheist cried out,

'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?
The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the
bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his
head and spoke:

'For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly
thankful,      Amen.'      .
 
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 ____________________________________________________________

Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 3634

Chuckle 3634
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Holly S of Chicago Ill.)

~Gun Control~ (Second time around) (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 diff’s)

It has already started at Cabela's Sporting Goods when I shopped there yesterday..

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amuck, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader. I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer. I still don't think I looked that bad.

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 ________________________________________________________________

Maxine

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Find the 6 diff's