Chuckle 4249 Classic

Chuckle 4249 Classic

Chuckle 279 (Sent out in Mar 2004)

(Today’s chuckle thanks go to Jayne in Florence OR!)

~Breakfast at Tim’s~ ( Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

A Canadian man was having coffee and croissants with
butter and jam in a Tim Horton's, when an American man, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Canadian man ignored the American, who, nevertheless
started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"
"Of course." The American blew a huge bubble.
"We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts
we collect in a big container, recycle them, transform them into croissants
and sell them to Canada."
The American had a smirk on his face.  The Canadian listened in silence.  The American persisted. "Do ya eat jelly
with the bread?"
Sighing, the Canadian replied, "Of course."
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Canada."
The Canadian then asked, "Do you have sex in the
States?"

The American smiled, snapped his
chewing gum and replied, "Why of course we do."
The Canadian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what
do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

"We throw them away, of course," said the American
Now it was the Canadian's turn to smile. "We don't.

In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt
them down into chewing gum, and sell them to Americans."

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

_____________________________________________________

 Maxine

_______________________________________________________________

Herman

 

 

Chuckle 4248

Chuckle 4247

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Mac M of Florence OR)

~The Old German Shepard and the Panther~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

A  German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep do do now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther!  I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

This made me smile!

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!" Moral of this story... Don't mess with the old dogs. Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

______________________________________________________

Maxine

_________________________________________________________

Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’s

Chuckle 4246

Chuckle 4246

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Jane C of Florence OR)

~Home Schooling~Pt.2 (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

13.  My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."

14.  My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

"Stop acting like your father!"

15.  My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16.  My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until your father gets home."

17.  My father taught me about RECEIVING.

"You're going to get it now!"

18 .  My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19.  My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20.  My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

21.  My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

22.  My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

23.  My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

24.  My father taught me about JUSTICE .

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

This should only be sent to the over 60 crowd because the younger ones would not believe we truly were told these "EXACT" words by our parents… 

-Final -

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

_____________________________________________

 

Maxine

 _________________________________________________________

 Herman

Chuckle 4245

Chuckle 4245

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Jane C of Florence OR.)

~Home Schooled~ Part 1(Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

Most of our generation of 60+ years were HOME SCHOOLED in many ways...

         

 1.  My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL  DONE.            

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished I Was Home-Schooled cleaning."

2.  My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3.  My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4.  My father taught me LOGIC.

" Because I said so, that's why."

5.  My mother taught me CONSEQUENCES.

"If you fall out and break your leg, don't come running to me."

6.  My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7.  My father taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8.  My father taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.            

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9.  My mother taught me about CONSERVATIONISM.

"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10.  My mother taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11.  My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12.  My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

_____________________________________________________________

Maxine

______________________________________________________

 

Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’s