Chuckle 4954

Chuckle 4954

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR)

Begin forwarded message:

~GETTING OLD: ~ ( Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s

Old age is coming at a really bad time. It is five o'clock somewhere... every day.

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

When I was a child I thought "Nap Time" was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my  knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Actually I'm not complaining because I am a Senager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don't have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and  my own car. And, I don't have acne. Life is great!

I have more friends that I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.

Now, I'm wondering: did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

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(Today in History Click)
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_______________________________________________________ 

Maxine

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Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’s

Chuckle 4953 Classic

Chuckle 4953 Classic

Chuckle 238 {Sent out in Feb 2004)

(Chuckle thanks for today’s chuckle go to Dean and Dee in Florence, OR!)

~Donkey for Sale:~  (Second time around.) (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya goanna do with him?"
"I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

  A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
  Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00."
  "Didn't anyone complain?" Asked the farmer.

  "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

 ______________________________________________

 Maxine

________________________________________________

Herman

Chuckle 4952

Chuckle 4952

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR)

~The Irish Painter~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown Malbay, in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.  This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to 10,000 pounds.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.  They talked much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it.  It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition.

In a few minutes he returned.   "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay."I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes.”

T'is, of course, why we love the Irish.   ☘

_

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/





Maxine

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6 Diff's

Chuckle 4951 Classic

Chuckle 4951 Classic

Chuckle 117 (Sent out in Oct 2003)

Note to our circle members: I haven’t received any chuckles from some of you in months. How about sending in a few and help in creating some smiles out there! Thanks for what we do get!  ---Jerry---

(Carrie Maddox of Sacramento CA sent us this

Chuckle, thanks Carrie.)

CLASSIC  HOPE(S) by Bob Hope:

ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".

ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."

ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

ON TURNING 100 " I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon.  Then it's time for my nap."

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring .... the referee kept stepping on them."

ON SAILORS "They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild oats, then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure."

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."

ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."

ON PRESIDENTS  " I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER " When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations.You have an eight-pound ham'."

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL  "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."

Bob Hope cont.

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES " I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."

ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/



_____________________________________________________________

Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 4950 Classic

Chuckle 4950 Classic

This chuckle comes to us from Chuckle 130

This chuckle comes to us from Nadine Walsh of

Carpinteria, CA (Which is near Santa Barbara).

Thanks Nadine!

~Ace Student :~(Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diffs_

Students in an Advanced Biology Class were taking a mid-term exam. The final question on the exam which was worth 70 points or nothing was this: Name seven advantages of mothers milk.

The student in question (who had also partied very hard the night before) was hard put to think of 7 advantages but gave it his best shot and came up with:

1. It is a perfect formula for the child.

2. It provides immunity against several diseases.

3. It is always available as needed.

4. It is always the right temperature.

5. It is inexpensive.

6. It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa.

And then, the student was struck. Finally, just before the bell rang,

(indicating the exam was over) he wrote:

7. It comes in such cute containers.

He was the only student to ace the exam! Thanks Nadine!

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

____________________________________________________

Maxine

__________________________________________________________

Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’s

Chuckle 4949

Chuckle 4949

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Sheila Myers of Florence OR)

~Hopeless~  (Second time around.)

(Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

____________________________________________________

Maxine

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Herman 

Chuckle 4948

Chuckle 4948

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR)

Subject: Must read to the end

~Frank Feldman~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis.. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should
have hear him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. some guy then."

Cabbie: " He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I'm married to his damn widow." 



Maxine

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Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’s

Chuckle 4947

Chuckle 4947 from Archives

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to George H of Florence)

~Hospital Rules~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

 Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.

 However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly
gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his
feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to
the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing
out of her hospital gown."

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

___________________________________________________ 

Maxine

___________________________________________________

Herman

Chuckle 4946

Chuckle 4946

Received in Sept. 2004

~Two Chuckles from Dean O from my chuckle archives~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

 **********************************************************************************

 When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
 I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
 I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

Maxine

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6 Diff’s