Chuckle 5105

Chuckle 5105 Classic

Chuckle 122

(Thanks go to Dean and Dee of Florence, OR for this Chuckle!)

~Never Be Late:~( Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman!

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife.

 I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had indeed come to a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him for confession."   

(Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE!)

(Today in History Click)
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Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 5104

Chuckle 5104

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Elva B of Caldwell ID)



~UP~( Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

A reminder that there is one word in the English language that can be a noun, verb, adjective, adverb, and preposition.

UP Read until the end .. you'll laugh.

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n], or [v].

It's easy to understand UP meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic comeUP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election? Why is itUP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brightenUP a room, polish UP the silver, warmUP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fixUP the old car.

People can stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and thinkUP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special

And this UP is confusing: a drain mustbe opened UP because it is stopped UP.



We open UP a store in the morning, but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it can take UP almost 1/4 of the page and can have UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try buildingUP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UPwith a hundred or more items on your list.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, the earth soaks it UP. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UPfor now ... my time is UP!

Oh ... one more thing - what is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?





U



P !



Did that one crack you UP?



Don't screw UP. Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book ... or not ... it's UP to you.



Now I'll shut UP!

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/



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Maxine

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Chuckle 5103

Chuckle 5103

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Phyllis S of Pasadena CA)



  Senior  Drivers..??(Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)


My  neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that  came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front  lawn.

He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and  sat her down on a lawn chair.

"My goodness," he said with  excitement, "you appear quite elderly to be driving."
"Well, yes, I am,"  she replied proudly.  "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough  that I don't even need a driver's license anymore The last time I went to my  doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license.  I told him  yes and handed it to him.  He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the  license into pieces, and threw them in the wastebasket, saying, 'You won't  need this anymore,' so I thanked him and left!"

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(Today in History Click)
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_____________________________________________________________________

Maxine


 

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Herman

Chuckle 5102

Chuckle 5102

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR)

~Tyrone moves to Ohio~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

Tyrone was having trouble in school.

His teacher was always yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone. Can't you learn anything??

One day Tyrone's mother came to school to see how he was doing.  The teacher told her honestly that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never had such an unmotivated and ignorant boy in her entire teaching career.

Tyrone's mom, shocked at the feedback, withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with irreversible cardiac disease .Her doctors all strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was remarkably successful.

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw the handsome young doctor who headed her surgical team smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk.

Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something, but quickly died.t he doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly. When the doctor turned around to leave the room, he saw that Tyrone, now a janitor at the Clinic, had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to plug in his vacuum cleaner. If you thought that Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon, there is a good chance you voted for Hillary.



(Today in History Click)
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http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Maxine

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Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’s

Chuckle5101

Chuckle 5101

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Ron J of Florence OR)

~Only The Irish ~  ( Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,   looking like he'd just been run over by a train.    His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,   "He couldn't do that to you. He must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,  and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself.  "Didn't you have something in your hand?" That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm





(Today in History Click)
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(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
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(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/



Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 5100

Chuckle 5100

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Phyllis S of Pasadena CA)

~FunnyWisdom~ ( Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

(Screenshot from Facebook, put in by Pam S of Sacramento CA)



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(Today in History Click)
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(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/


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Maxine

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Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’s

Chuckle 5099

Chuckle 5099

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR))



~ LOVE THIS WOMAN~ ( Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)



 An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam.. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady.  "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history


(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 5098

Chuckle 5098 Classic

Chuckle 164

(Pat Mahoney of Florence, OR sent today’s chuckle to us.

Thanks Pat.)



~Nair For Hard of Hearing Dog:~ ( Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 diffs)

   My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so

she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in itsears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub in its ears once a month.

 The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

 The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."

 The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

 The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

 The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week!"





(Today in History Click)
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(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
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(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/



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Maxine

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Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’s

Chuckle 5097

Chuckle 5097

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA))

~ MEN ARE JUST HAPPY PEOPLE  P2  ~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

This needs no explanation - and is a fun read, no matter your gender.

Men Are Happier People!

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves.  Chocolate is just another snack.  You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character.  Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.   You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.   You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

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(Today in History Click)
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(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 5096

Chuckle 5096

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Bev L in Mt Vernon WA.)

This was so long I had to cut it down a bit, so Pt 2 will be a long soon.

---Jerry---

~MEN ARE JUST HAPPY PEOPLE~  (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

NICKNAMES

• If Laura, Kate, and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. 
• If Mike, Dave, and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba, and Wildman. 

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave, and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

• A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
• The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

• A woman has the last word in any argument.
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/



________________________________________________________

Maxine

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Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’s

Chuckle 5095

Chuckle 5095 Classic

This story was received in May 2002 , Anon sender.

~A little winter humor!~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

   A trucker stops for red light and a blonde girl catches up. She knocks on
the door and the trucker lowers the
window. The girl says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of
you load."  The trucker ignores her
and proceeds down the street.

  The trucker stops for another red light and the girl again catches
up.  She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window and she says "Hi my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!"  He ignores her again and continues down the street.

    The trucker stops for still another red light and the girl catches up
again all out of breath. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window.
  Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your
load!"

  He dismisses her and starts off down the street, then stops. The trucker
gets out of the truck, approaches the blonde girl and says:  "Hi, my name is Andy and I am driving a SALT TRUCK!"



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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
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(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Maxine

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Herman