Chuckle 5209

Chuckle 5209

Bill P gets the chuckle thanks for today.



~Butch the Rooster~(Second time around.)

(Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Cartoon)

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business.  She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

 This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

 Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

 To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.  He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

 Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a show at Purdue University and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

 The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" they also awarded him the "Pullet surprise" as well.

 Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

 Vote carefully in the upcoming federal election. You can't always hear the bells.

 ( If you don¹t send this on, you're chicken  ……  no yolk! )

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Aunty Acid

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Cartoon from my birthday card.

 

Chuckle 5208

Chuckle 5208

 (Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA)



~ Newfie Diet~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and  Sign )

A  Irish Woman was terribly overweight, so the doctor put her on a diet.

I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."



When the Irish Woman returned, she shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!!

"That's amazing", the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Irish Woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, bye jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 'tird day."

"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from  da friggin' skippin'." 





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Aunty Acid

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Sign

Chuckle 5207

Chuckle 5207 

 (Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Bill P of Florence OR)

I remember there were a lot of "Burma Shave " signs on the  turnpikes and highway when we would drive to Pennsylvania many, many years ago in the 1970 's. Maybe they are down now because of too many accidents reading the signs.   NOW DRIVERS read and tax on their Cell Phones and cause more Accidents than ever. S.C.



A man, a miss, A car a curve. He kissed the miss, And missed the curve.  Burma Shave For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930's and '40's. Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads,  Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each contain 1 line of a 4 line couplet… and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.



DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW OUT SO FAR IT MAY GO HOME IN ANOTHER CAR. Burma Shave

TRAINS DON'T WANDER ALL OVER THE MAP 'CAUSE NOBODY SITS IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP. Burma Shave

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH BY MISTAKE SHE THOUGHT IT WAS HER HUSBAND JAKE. Burma Shave

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD TO GAIN A MINUTE YOU NEED YOUR HEAD YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT. Burma Shave

DROVE TOO LONG DRIVER SNOOZING WHAT HAPPENED NEXT IS NOT AMUSING. Burma Shave

BROTHER SPEEDER LET'S REHEARSE ALL TOGETHER GOOD MORNING, NURSE. Burma Shave

CAUTIOUS RIDER TO HER RECKLESS DEAR LET'S HAVE LESS BULL AND A LITTLE MORE STEER. Burma Shave

SPEED WAS HIGH WEATHER WAS NOT TIRES WERE THIN X MARKS THE SPOT. Burma Shave

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE OF PAUL FOR BEER LED TO A WARMER HEMISPHERE. Burma Shave

AROUND THE CURVE LICKETY-SPLIT BEAUTIFUL CAR WASN'T IT? Burma Shave

NO MATTER THE PRICE NO MATTER HOW NEW THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE IN THE CAR IS YOU. Burma Shave





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Aunty Acid

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Maxine

Chuckle 5206

Chuckle 5206

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR)

~Church Signs~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Maxine)

Is this a Fact Bev?


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Aunty Acid

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Maxine

Chuckle 5205

Chuckle 5205 Classic

Chuckle 2222 (another palindrome) (Sent out in Nov 2009)

(Elva B of Caldwell ID gets today's chuckle thanks.)



(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine,

and 6 differences.)

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(Click Today in History and learn.)

Today in History  from Yahoo

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(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)

(Word for the Day)

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(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)

Today's Horoscope )

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Maxine

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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below)

Chuckle 5204 Classic

Chuckle 5204 Classic

Chuckle 156 (Sent out in Nov 2003)

(Another male basher from Phyllis of Pasadena CA. Thanks Phyl!)

Note: Between Carrie, Irene and Phyllis we men are taking a bad bashing. Come on guys I need help here! ---Jerry---

~Antler Drop Time: ~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and  Sign )


According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
    
Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen- had to be a girl.  We should've known. Only women, while pregnant, would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.





(Today in History Click)
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Aunty Acid

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Sign

Chuckle 5203 Classic

Chuckle 5203 Classic

Chuckle 269

(Retha in Richland OR, which is near the Eastern border of the state, gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~Fred:~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and  Sign )

   A law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the
posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands, but plays along with it.

"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

  The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD. Well, the ADA  (American Dental Association) found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the VD ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD, leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing so hard, and tore up the
warning ticket.





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Aunty Acid

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Sign

Chuckle 5202 Classic

Chuckle 5202 Classic

Chuckle 243

(Thanks for today’s chuckle go to Nadine in Carpinteria, CA)

(I’ll bet you can’t guess the punch line!!)

~Successful Operation: ~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and  Sign )

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. Therefore, the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.  After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!   One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"   "My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek." ______________________________________________________

(Today in History Click)
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Aunty Acid

Sign

Chuckle 5201

Chuckle 5201

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR)

~We All Know This Guy~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Herman)

Priceless If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this. Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?" The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone know what that goof-ball did here?" From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."



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Aunty Acid





























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Herman

Chuckle 5200 Classic

Chuckle 5200 Classic

(This Chuckle from Anon was sent out I April of 2002)

~Another  Ole and Sven~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and  Sign )

Ole and Sven were fishing when Sven pulled out a cigar but didn't  have a lighter so he asked Ole for a light. "Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied and reached into  his tackle box and pulled out a 12-inch BIC lighter."Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did ya get dat monster??"

"Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie." "You haff a genie?" Sven asked.

"Ya, shure, he's right here in my tackle box," said Ole.

"Could I see him?" Ole opens his tackle box and out pops the genie.

 Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you  grant me un vish?"

 "Yes I will", the genie said, so Sven asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the tackle box and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

 Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million Bucks, not ducks!"

 Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing. Do ya really tink I asked him for a 12-inch BIC"
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Aunty Acid

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Sign

Chuckle 5199 Classic

Chuckle 5199 Classic

Chuckle 48

~Military Chuckles~ (Sent out in July 2003)

    Give credit to Nadine (Cookie) Walsh of Carpinteria, CA.

for the chuckles!

    Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new

Colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked

on the office door.

   Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked

up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into

the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this after-

noon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime,

thank you for your good wishes, sir."

    Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young

enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

   "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just

here to hook up your telephone."



*********************

   A  Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop.

They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when

the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

   The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My

wife will think I've been in a Red Light District!"

   The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put

it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a house in a

Red Light District smells like."



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Aunty Acid

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Sign

Chuckle 5198 Classic

Chuckle 5198 Classic

Chuckle 153 ( Sent out in Nov 2003)

(Mary of Los Osos, CA sent in this chuckle. Thanks Mary!)

~What a Word:~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and  Herman )

  A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven.  While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

  She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello, How are you !  We've been waiting for you ! Good to see you."

   When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him,

"This is such a wonderful place !  How do I get in ?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

  The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

  About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?""Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died, "her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery.  I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion.  And, my wife and I traveled all around the world.  We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today.  I  fell and hit my head, and here I am.  What a bummer.  How do I get in ?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry ...there'll be Hell to pay later.





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Aunty Acid

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Herman