Chuckle 5419

Chuckle 5419

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Bev in Mt. Vernon WA)

~BRAIN TEASERS~ ( Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and  Sign )

😱. I speak without a mouth and hear without ears. I have no body, but I come alive with the wind. What am I?

😱. You measure my life in hours and I serve you by expiring. I'm quick when I'm thin and slow when I'm fat. The wind is my enemy. What am I?

😱. What word in the English language does the following: the first two letters signify a male, the first three letters signify a female, the first four letters signify a great man, while the entire word signifies a great woman. What is the word?

If you don't guess correctly, SCROLL DOWN FOR ANSWERS

An Echo

A Candle

A Heroine

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Chuckle 5418

Chuckle 5418 Classic

Chuckle 820 (Sent out in Oct 2005)

(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Nuns Golfing~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and 6 Diff’s)

  A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it." said the younger nun. "When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder nun.

   "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Mother," answered the nun. 

  "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away.” Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.” Well, no" says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!” And Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun. "No, not yet." she answered. 

  "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball.” Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.” No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole." The two nuns were silent for a moment. 

  Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the freaking putt, didn't you?"    ***

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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6 Diff’s

Chuckle 5417

Chuckle 5417 Classic

Chuckle 814  (Sent in Sept. 2005)

(Dean O from Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Texas Hospitality~  ( Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and  Herman)

Dallas Air Traffic Control:
"Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to land
eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air:
"Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared  to
land on runway 9R.   Allah be Praised!"

Dallas  ATC:
"Tower to Egypt Air 711--You are cleared to land
westbound on runway  9R."

Egypt Air:
"Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land  on
runway 9R. Allah is Great."

Pause: Static..............
Saudi  Air:
"DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"

Dallas ATC:
"Go ahead Saudi Air  911?"
Saudi Air:
"YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE  SAME
RUNWAY!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!!
INSTRUCTIONS  PLEASE!!!

Dallas ATC:
Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful  now---ya hear?"

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Herman

Chuckle 5416 Classic

Chuckle 5416 A  Classic

Chuckle 813 (Sent out in Sept 2005)

(Goldie C in Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Smart Blonde Wins Again! ~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign )

.A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from L.A. to New York.  The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.  The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.  The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.

He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa."

Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer.

"Okay, how about this, if you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question.  "What's the distance from the earth to   the moon?"  The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn.  She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.  He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.  He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress.

Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.  After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep. ***

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Sign

Chuckle 5415

Chuckle 7415 Classic

~Blondes from Ron J~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and 6 Diff’s )

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Two blondes were filling up at a gas station and the first blonde says to the second, "I bet these awful gas prices are going to go even higher." The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me, I always put in just $10 worth."

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One day, Jill's husband came home from the office and found her sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers." "Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I bought an extra pair of pants for that suit." "Yes, and it's lucky for you that you did," said Jill, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."

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Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"

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A blonde decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her blonde friend from next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size. "Buffy," she said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?" "Ten," said Buffy. So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover. "Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!" "Yes," said Buffy. "So did I."

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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6 Diff’s

Chuckle 5414

Chuckle 5414 Classic

Chuckle 818 (Sent out in Oct 2005)

(Sunny Mary in Los Osos CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Bear~ (2nd time around) (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign )

In this life I’m a woman... In my next life, I’d like to come back as a bear. When you’re a bear you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate... You’re supposed to eat yourself stupid... I could deal with that too.

When you’re a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you’re sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute. cuddly cubs~ I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too... I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you wiII have hairy legs and excess body fat.

YUP- GONNA BE A BEAR!

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Sign

Chuckle 5413

Chuckle 5413 Floppy  received in Feb 2001)

~Problem with Snoring~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign)

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the  Wife  goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a  ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

"Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The  wife  tosses and turns, unable to sleep.

Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon  And  ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops  snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his  buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So closet again, grabs a  piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly,  it  also works on him!

The woman sleeps soundly. He wakes from a drunken stupor and stumbles  into  the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the  mirror  and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and  as  he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his  dog's  testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "I don't know where we  were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!"

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Herman

Chuckle 5412

Chuckle 5412

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR)

~Interview~  (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and  Sign )

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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SIGN

If you don’t get it call Keith for an explanation!