Chuckle 1766

Chuckle 1766
(Rich W of Paso Robles CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~Exhausted Italian~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No. "

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.

The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?”

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No. "

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, “You finish?”

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian.” ***

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Nick Nolte (Born 1941)

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Have a good one!

Chuckle 1765

Chuckle 1765
(Marlene W of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~My New Pet~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and Six Differences.)

A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about the Lord???"
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A little voice came out of the box:.....................

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."


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Richard Burton (1925-1984)

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Chuckle 1764

Chuckle 1764
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Elva B of Caldwell ID!)


~$50 is $50~ (2nd time around)
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Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'


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Randolph Scott, (1903–1987)

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Chuckle 1763

Chuckle 1763
(Willie F of Sacramento CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Irish Viagra~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor?

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.

It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, me! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!" "Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"

"T’was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin’ here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again. ***

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Mel Gibson, born in 1956

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Chuckle 1762

Chuckle 1762
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Goldie C of Florence OR!)


~Italian Girl~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

A woman goes to Italy to attend 2-week, company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her a good trip.

The wife RESPONDS: "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring BACK for you?"

The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girL!!!"

The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks:

"So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good, thank you."

"And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" She asked.

"The one WHERE I asked for an Italian girl!!"

"Oh, that" she said

"Well, I did what I COULD; now we have to wait nine months to see if it is a girl!!!"

Moral of the story: Don’t tempt a woman. ***


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William Powell (1892–1984)

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“Have a nice day!”

Chuckle 1761

Chuckle 1761
(Rich C of Yuma AZ gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~Another of Rich’s Blonde Chuckles~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are two slices of crisp bacon.

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?

I LOVE T HIS ONE...........

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN! ***

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Van Johnson (Born in 1916)
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Chuckle 1760

Chuckle 1760
(Jayne C of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~Menopause Jewelry~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dumb ass. ***
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Tim Conway (Born 1933)

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Have a Great Day!!

Chuckle 1759

Chuckle 1759
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Pat M of Florence OR!)

~Cruise the Mississippi~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)


Hello Friends;

I wanted to let you know that I entered your name in the "Travel With Allen" drawing for an all expense paid 7-day Mississippi River cruise on the Mississippi Queen Cruise Line's beautiful new flagship, the Dixie Belle. Airfare, all transfers, food, and "drinks" are included. Plus, one evening, the winner gets to have dinner at the captain's table as his personal guest. Woo who!

Below are pictures of the Dixie Belle, staterooms, and other amenities.


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Your first night's meal promises to be scrumptious -- featuring fillet of catfish, hush puppies, collard greens, and all the boiled Louisiana crawdads you can eat! ***

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Tex Ritter (1905–1974)
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Chuckle 1758

Chuckle 1758
(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~Double Meanings~ (2nd time around)
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1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.!
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male....... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n
Female...... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes. ***

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Steve McQueen (1930–1980)

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HAVE A NICE DAY!!!!!

Chuckle 1757

Chuckle 1757
(Today's chuckle thanks go to George H of Florence OR!)


~Drunken Ingenuity~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

?

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You nut, it's three-fifteen in the morning!" ***


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Roy Rogers (1912–1998)

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Chuckle 1556

Chuckle 1556
(Bev L of Calgary Alberta gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Polish Divorce ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
- Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
- It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
- No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like?
- All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
- We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
- No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
- No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
- She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
- I got proof.
What kind of proof?
- She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover".

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John Ritter (1948-2003)
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Have a good one!

Chuckle 1755

Chuckle 1755
(Goldie C of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~MD and the Vet ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and Six Differences.)

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her "Pussycat."

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the building, next door to the vet.

The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. The door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even! ***


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Robert Redford (Born in 1936)

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Chuckle 1753

I'm taking a little vacation so will not be sending out any new chuckles until May 21st. In the mean time you may like to read the chuckles from the archieves.

Chuckle 1753
(Willie F of Sacramento CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Potty Problems~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me." Then I said, “Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, “Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feels better by thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!

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Gabby Hayes (1885 – 1969)

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Chuckle 1752

Chuckle 1752
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~The Robot~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

YOU'LL LOVE THE LAST SENTENCE

One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? they asked.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project' said Tommy. The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy.

'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.' 'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'

'What did you watch?' 'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him.

With lip quivering, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one!

And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!' The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times. ***

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Henry Fonda (1905-1982)

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Have a good one!

Chuckle 1751

Chuckle 1751
(Bob J of Florence gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

“Christopher Columbus”

~The Man Rules~ Part 2
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)


1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,

Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

I'll have to admit this is good! But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. ***


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Gene Kelly (1912-1996)

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Chuckle 1750

Chuckle 1750
(Bob J of Florence gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

“Lighted toilet seat”
~The Man Rules~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally the guys' side of the story. We always hear "the rules” from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered "1 " ... ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.

That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
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Gary Cooper (1901-1961)
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