Chuckle 2204

Chuckle 2204
(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Happy Halloween~
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A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his Leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his Wooden Leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he Receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his Wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint..

The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir, We have TRIED our very BEST Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your Wooden Leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

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Chuckle 2203

Chuckle 2203
(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Old Bat, New Hat ~
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and 6 differences.)

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight So that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" Said the gentleman in earnest.


The woman looked down, Then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there Is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

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Chuckle 2202

Chuckle 2202
(Bev L of Mt Vernon WA gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~One Sunday morning, ~
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

A priest decided to do something a little different. He said 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind -- the pastor shouted out 'CROSS.' Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.'

The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'

The pastor said 'POWER.' The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'

The Pastor said 'SEX' The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing 'MEMORIES.'

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Confucius says

War does not determine who is right,
War determine who is left..

(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2201

Chuckle 2201
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Ran Out of Worms! ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth; I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog. A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
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Chuckle 2200

Chuckle 2200
(Dean O of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~The Lone Ranger and Tonto~ (2nd time around)
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were on a camping trip.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, Kemosabe, look towards sky. What you see?'

The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful, and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?'

You dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole our tent.'

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Man who eat many
Prunes get good run for money.

(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2199

Note;
Because Lora and I are going to Medford this weekend to a seniors bowling tournament and league bowling on Monday in Eugene there will be no Chuckles
S,Su, and M.


Chuckle 2199
(Marlene W of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)
German rye bread
~Rye Bread ~ (2nd time around)
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves." She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ...... By the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."

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Confucius says

Man who scratch butt
Should not bite fingernails.



HAVE A GREAT DAY

Chuckle 2198

Chuckle 2198
(Chet and Phyllis S of Pasadena CA get today's chuckle thanks.)


Michelangelo’s self portrait

~David is Returned Italy~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

This is the statue David before it was loaned to the U.S.

After a two year loan to the United States,

Michelangelo's David is being returned to Italy.

His Proud Sponsors were:



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Chuckle 2197

Chuckle 2197
(Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~STUD ROOSTER~
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,'OK old fart, Time for you to retire.'

The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'

The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up, and I am taking over.'

The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'

The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.

They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.

The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.

The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BLAM - He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit... Third gay rooster I bought this month.'


Moral of this Story... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery, Always overcome youth and arrogance! OLD DUDES RULE!!!

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What kids say.

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, 'Would you like to say the blessing?' 'I wouldn’t know what to say,' the girl replied. 'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'

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(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2196

Chuckle 2196
(Linda M of Eugene OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~The Back Pew~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much Discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the Preacher's' family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and The congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss The preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the Clergyman's' additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor Rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a Gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear Rubbers.' The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'

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Chuckle 2195

Chuckle 2195
(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)



~The Verdict~
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of!

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.

A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate.

A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied: "Yes, we did look, but your client didn't."

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A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. 'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked. 'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, 'Did God throw him back down?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2194

Chuckle 2194

(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Sea Shore Story~(2nd time around)
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And 6 differences.)


A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?' He hadn't and said so.

Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.'

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

'Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly. 'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

'Well, what is it then? What does she do?' his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.'

'Batteries?' cried the wife.

'Yes!' he replied.

PLEASE SCROLL DOWN

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OOOOH! You're gonna dislike me for this - but it will make your day!


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'She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!'

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Chuckle 2192

Chuckle 2192
(Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Lottery ~

~Another Blonde Chuckle~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine,
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A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You.

PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.

The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."

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Chuckle 2191

Chuckle 2191
(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~A blonde and two Chimps~
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine,
and kids in church

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?' 'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift?'

'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $100 for your trouble.. .’

'I'd be happy to,' said the blond.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

'What the heck are you doing here?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so now we're going to Sea World

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A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, 'Would you like to say the blessing?' 'I wouldn’t know what to say,' the girl replied. 'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2190

Chuckle 2190
(Rich W of Paso Robles CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Fred~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. "Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.

The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The biker replies, "It’s a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know--a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, M.D."

"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! I got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS."

"I got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD."

"When the ADA found out about the VD, they took away my DDS, the AMA took away my MD, and the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

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Chuckle 2189

Chuckle 2189
(Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)
Las Vegas Strip

~Las Vegas Churches ~ (2nd time around)
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more catholic churches than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings... The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.


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This is done by the chip monks.

You didn't even see it coming did you?

GOTCHA!



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A new Maxine; Thanks to Phyllis in Pasadena.

Can someone explain this to me? ---Jerry---

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A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. 'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked. 'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, 'Did God throw him back down?'


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