Chuckle 2694

Chuckle 2694
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)



~I Told My Friend. ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

This morning I told my friend that I waded across a raging river, escaped from a bear in the woods,

Marched up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand,
And climbed up an enormous tree! ...

My friend said, “You must be some outdoorsman!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a lousy golfer."

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)


_____________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2693

Chuckle 2693
(Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)


Because of Tech problems today; No pictures

~Our Windows~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and a Couple of Ideas to Keep You Out Of Trouble!

A young couple moved into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman saw her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

"That laundry is not very clean," she said. "She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap."

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:

"Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this."

The husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)


Sorry!; no Maxine today!




________________________________________________________

A Couple of Ideas to Keep You Out Of Trouble! From Bev.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Chuckle 2692

Chuckle 2692
(Linda M of Eugene OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)


~Costco Doctor~ (Second time around but before it was the Wal-Mart Doctor.) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My Elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and The computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the Urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity

It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Costco."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began Wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his Wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits Ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better


Thank you for shopping at Costco!
________________________________________________________

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



________________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2691

Chuckle 2691
(Lora S of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

(Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and
A Couple of Ideas to Keep You Out Of Trouble! )

If you’re in your seventies or eighties you’ll probably remember most of these.

'Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?' ‘We didn’t have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him. ‘All the food was slow.' 'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?' 'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained! 'Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, never wore Levis, never set foot on a golf course, never traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears & Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died. My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed: slow.

We didn’t have a television in our house until I was 19. It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 AM. And there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on featuring local people.

To be continued.

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_________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)







_______________________________________________________

A Couple of Ideas to Keep You Out Of Trouble! From Bev.

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

.

Chuckle 2690

Chuckle 2690
(Lora S of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Moms in Group Therapy~ (Second time around)(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "Jane, you are obsessed with eating. You've named your daughter Candy.

He turned to the second Mom: "Amy, your obsession is with money. Again it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom: "Joyce, your obsession is alcohol. This, too, shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth Mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.
_______________________________________________________________

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)


______________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2689

Chuckle 2689
(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)



~A Couple of Short Ones~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Definitions

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, 'Dad, I know babies come from mommies’ tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer.'

*****
Just before I was deployed to Iraq, I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq.' 'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'

*****
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)


______________________________

~Definitions from Lora~

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.


________________________________________________

Have a great day!

Chuckle 2688

Chuckle 2688
(Audrey N of Applegate CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)



This is a real male Basher; Hmm!

~Why Marry~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
__________

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' 'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
_________

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: 'Husband Wanted'. Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
__________

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
__________

A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?' Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
__________

A young son asked, 'Is it true Dad that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?' Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
__________

Then there was a woman who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.'
__________

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
__________

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
__________

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!' Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
__________

'A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man, to Love and to forgive him, and for patience, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'
__________

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'
________________________________________________

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_____________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



______________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2687

Chuckle 2687
(Linda M of Eugene OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)


~Did I Read That Sign Right? ~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Definitions)

In an office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS


In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

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___________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)












___________________________________________

~Definitions~

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

Chuckle 2686

Chuckle 2686
(Rick R of Surrey BC and Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

From Rick:

~House of Ill Repute~

See if you can work this out:


There was a brothel at the top of a hill, with a large red light at the bottom of the hill. There were four men...

One was walking briskly up the hill; One was inside the brothel; One was walking slowly down the hill and The fourth man was sitting in his car at the bottom of the hill.


What were the nationalities of the four men?

>





>





>

* The man going up the hill: was rushin

* The man in the brothel: him-a-layin

* The man walking down the hill: was finish



Now wait for it ......................................!!!!!!



Ya gonna hate this....................................



* The man in the car at the bottom was Irish, and he was waiting for the light to turn green!



________________________________________
From Keith:


~A Tip for Old Guys ~

An old guy … ok, a guy my age and not in the best of shape..... was working out in the gym when he spotted a sexy and beautiful young woman.

He asked the nearby trainer, "What machine should I use in here to impress that cute young thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I'd try the ATM in the lobby."

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)




_________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2685

Chuckle2685
Chuckle 1960 (From my Archives Jan, 3 2009)
(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today’s chuckle thanks!)





~The Dawn Keye Diet. ~

(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope.)



This really works. A friend of mine, who is a nurse, talked to me about the Atkins Diet, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, & the latest of course, The South Beach Diet.



Since she is a nurse, and has done a lot of study and research on dieting, I truly think she has found the real answer to weight loss:

~The Dawn Keye Diet: ~



*




*







*





*







*







*



*



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________________________________________________________

(Maxines from my own collection ---Jerry---)



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Chuckle 2684

Chuckle 2684
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Eat Rye Bread~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in
History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any Rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves." She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard" He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this but me."

__________________________________________________________

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)

_________________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2683

Chuckle 2683
(Charlie M of Tecumseh OK gets today's Chuckle thanks.)



~The Thermometer~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and definitions.)


When you have an 'I Hate My Job day' [Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]

Try this: Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and
purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized." Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'

I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS!

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart....
Maybe you should go and work for Johnson and Johnson!
Enjoy life now - It has an expiration date!

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



___________________________________________________

Definitions from Lora:

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
__________________________________________________

Chuckle 2682

Chuckle 2682
(Charlie M of Tecumseh OK gets today's Chuckle thanks.)



~The Yellow Light~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car.''
__________________________________________________

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



______________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2681

Chuckle 2681
(Lora S of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)


~The Good Napkins ~ (Second time around) (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Definitions)



The joys of having Girls...

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet.

I then asked my mother why she was keeping ''napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for 'special occasions' (her second mistake).

Now fast forward a few months....It's Christmas Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a 'special occasion' Kotex napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!! My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.

'But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!'


_________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



_______________________________________________


Definitions:

CHICKENS: An animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
___________________________________________________________________


Have a great day!

Chuckle 2680

Chuckle 2680
(Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)


~Two Women~ (Second time around, it was two guys last time)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looked at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.'

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'

The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
___________________________________________

Today in History Click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



__________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2679

Chuckle 2679
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)



~Sunday School Teacher~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Definitions.

While they were taking up the collection, John leaned forward and said, "Hey, Marie, how about you and me go to dinner next Friday?" "Why Yes, John, that would be nice," said Marie.

Well, John couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his car, and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to dinner, the finest restaurant in Raleigh. When they sat down, John looked over at Marie said, "Hey, Marie, would you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no, John, "said Marie.”What would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, John was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Marie," said John, "Would you like a smoke?"

"Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, John was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his car and was driving Marie home when they passed the Holiday Inn. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.

"Hey, Marie," said John, "how would you like to stop at this motel with me?"

"Sure, John, that would be nice," said Marie.

Well, John couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in with Marie.

The next morning John got up first. He looked at Marie lying there in the bed.

"What have I done? What have I done?" thought John.

He shook Marie and she woke up. "Marie, I've got to ask
you one thing, said John.”What are you going to tell your
Sunday school class?"

Marie said, "The same thing I always tell them.........
You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."

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http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

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(Maxine from my own collection.)


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~Definitions~

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at
both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
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For you guys with kids, have a great
Father’s Day ---Jerry---

Chuckle 2678

Chuckle 2678
(Jack S of Santa Cruz CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)




~Maxine on HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE IN 2011~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

1. Open a new file in your PC..

2. Name it 'Housework.'

3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.

4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN.

5. Your PC will ask you, 'Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?'

6. Calmly answer, 'Yes' and press mouse button firmly...

7. Feel better?

Works for me!

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Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history

Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/

For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/
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(Maxine from my own collection.)



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(Find the six differences, answers below)