Chuckle 2832

(Chuckle 2832)
(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~A Well-Planned Retirement~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Outside England’s Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were £1 for cars ($1.40), £5 for busses (about $7). Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent... The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility. The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee.

The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been
on the City payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain (or some such scenario), is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own; and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day -- for 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars!

And no one even knows his name.

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(A Maxine from My Own Collection.)






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(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2831

(Chuckle 2831)

(Charlie M from Bradenton FL gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Three Contractors~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Adult Truths)

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence. One from Chicago, another from Kentucky and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," the Chicagoan explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Kentucky."


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(A Maxine from My Own Collection.)



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(Adult Truths from Linda M of Gresham OR)

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to it.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

Chuckle 2830

(Chuckle 2830)

(Dean O of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Good Comeback~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing this big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, bitch."

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(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2829

(Chuckle 2829)
(Willie of Sacramento CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Old Folks Home ~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Adult Truths)

I was taking a walk when I passed by the nursing home where there were six old ladies lying naked on the front lawn. I thought this was a little peculiar, but continued on my way because it's a long walk and I wanted to get it over with before it got truly hot again today.

On my way back, the ladies were still lying in the yard. To quench my curiosity, I went inside and asked to speak to the director of the facility. When I asked him if he knew there were 6 naked old ladies lying on his front lawn, he replied, "Yes, I know. They're all retired prostitutes."

"Okay..." I said rather disbelievingly, "... And?"

"And they're having a yard sale!"

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(A Maxine from My Own Collection.)



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(Adult Truths from Linda M of Florence OR)

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

Chuckle 2828

(Chuckle 2828)
(Phyllis S in Pasadena CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Health Alert~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Health Alert when you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you. Warn all your friends.

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(Maxine from my own collection.)




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(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle

(Chuckle 2827)

(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)



Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year From Jerry (alias Mr. Chuckles)

~My Favorite Animal ~ (Second time around) (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Adult Truths)

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken...

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

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(Maxine from my own collection.)



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(Adult Truths from Linda M of Florence OR)

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

Chuckle 2826

(Chuckle 2826)
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Drinking and Driving~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had the odd brush with the 'boys-in-blue' on our way home from the odd social session in years past.

Well, I have done something about it.

A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some of the girls and had a few too many gin and tonics as well as a few beers and some rather nice merlot.

But knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before.......... I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before and have no idea where I got the Bus!
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(Maxine from my own collection.)








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(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2825

(Chuckle 2825)

(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Cedar Chest~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Adult Truths)

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry, and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive, I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me, and I suffered a massive heart attack and died." The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment, but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell, but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed, and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest. . . . ."

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(Maxine from my own X’mas collection.)



____________________________________________

(Adult Truths from Linda M of Florence OR)

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting, if they told you how the person died.

Chuckle 2824

(Chuckle 2824)

(Lora S of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)
Knob

~The Knob~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.' Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. 'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:

Firstly, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.' She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

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(Maxine from my own X’mas collection.)



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(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2823

(Chuckle 2823)

Chuckle 824 (Taken from my archives; Sent out Oct 8 2005.
(Nadine in Carpinteria CA got that day's chuckle thanks!)


~The Pink Envelope~2nd time around.

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno." *** ________________________________________________________

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(Maxine from my own X’mas collection.)



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(Adult Truths from Linda M of Florence OR)

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

Chuckle 2822

(Chuckle 2822)
(Phyllis S in Pasadena CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~A True Irish Ghost Story~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

This happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds
like an Alfred Hitchcock story, it’s true. John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. No cars were traveling that night. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on!!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching.

Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.

John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road. So, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to the pub.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the
horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.

Suddenly the door opened and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one
said to the other....

'Look Paddy...there’s that freakin' idiot that got in the car while we were pushing' it.'
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(Maxine from my own X’mas collection.)



____________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2821

(Chuckle 2821)
(Rich and Flo C of Yuma AZ get today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Jack’s Buddy Bob~ (Second time around) (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Adult Truths)

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

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(Maxine from my own X’mas collection.)


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(Adult Truths from Linda M of Florence OR)

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

Chuckle 2820

(Chuckle 2820)
(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)


~Donations~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

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(Maxine from my own X’mas collection.)



________________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2819

(Chuckle 2819)
(Linda M of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

9mm Glock Pistol

~Afraid? ~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Adult Truths)

Story from a Kansas State Highway Patrol officer : I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan , KS . I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance. The lady took out the required information and handed it to me. In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time. She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box. Something---body language, or the way she said it---made me want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what she so afraid of was. She looked at me and said, "Not A damn thing."

Seniors - Don't mess with them. They didn't get old by being stupid.

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(Maxine from my own X’mas collection.)


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(Adult Truths from Linda M of Florence OR)

1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

Chuckle 2818

(Chuckle 2818)
(Gary B of La Habra CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Husbands are husbands~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'
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(Maxine from my own X’mas collection.)



____________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2817

(Chuckle 2817)
Phyllis in Pasadena CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)


~If My Body Was a Car~ (Second time around) (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 11 Questions to Ask Yourself)

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that’s not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close My traction is not as graceful as it once was.. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather... My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here’s the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

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(Maxine from my own X’mas collection.)




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(11 Questions to Ask Yourself from Phyllis of Pasadena CA)

This is the last of this series.


11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?








Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.

(Chuckle 2816)
(Stevan S of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Beautiful Lawyer Story~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also.” The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even f or a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.”You'll really love my place. "The grass is almost a foot high."

Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a heartwarming lawyer story...did you????

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own X’mas collection.)

_______________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2815

(Chuckle 2815)
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

BRAVO!!!!! (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 11 Questions to Ask Yourself)

It happened in a Metro station in Montreal........... There were protesters on the concourse handing out pamphlets on the evils of Canada. I politely declined to take one.

An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young

(20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, 'Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?'

The elderly woman looked up at her and said, Honey, my father died during World War I, I lost my husband in World War II, I lost a son in Korea, and a grandson in Afghanistan.

All fought and died so you could have the freedom to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it.'

................God Bless Canada!!!

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Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history

Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/

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http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/
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(Maxine from my own X’mas collection.)









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(11 Questions to Ask Yourself from Phyllis of Pasadena CA)
(ANSWER BELOW)

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?







Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]