Chuckle 2980

(Chuckle 2980)

(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~Ice Cream Sundae~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Sometimes we forget the really important things in life.

Last week, I took my grand-children to a restaurant. My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Nana gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grand-son asked. "Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass you grouchy old bitch! "

---The End ---
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Chuckle 2979

(Chuckle 2979)

(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks)




~Irish Humor~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Quickies)

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

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(Quickies from Keith K of Florence)

The irony of life is that, by the time you’re old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere. Also when you get to where you can afford steaks and Ice Cream. It's not healthy to eat them
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God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

Chuckle 2978

(Chuckle 2978)

(Robert J of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~Three from Robert~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope,"

replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "Sure, buddy."

Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"

"Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "No, SIR!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop.

They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached
for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've
been in a whorehouse!"

The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife
doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
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Chuckle 2977

(Chuckle 2977)

(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~The Rancher and the Newlywed Blonde ~ (Second time around) (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Quickies)

A blonde city girl named Jennifer marries an Idaho rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Jennifer, ‘The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the upper range to mend fencing and check on the cattle. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Jennifer takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Jennifer sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she says confidently. "By the nail that's over its stall."

Laughing rudely at her, the man asks, 'and what, pray tell, is the nail for?' The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

(It's nice to see a blonde winning once in awhile.)

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(Quickies from Keith K of Florence)

 Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
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Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

Chuckle 2976

(Chuckle 2976)

(Linda M of Gresham OR gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~Bad Day Breakthrough~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day,
Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

So you think you're having a bad day.......

then you step outside of your house........

and look up into the beautiful blue sky..... and see this !!!!!

All of a sudden, that smile comes back to your face and you
say to yourself” Now that's a big ass balloon!!!!!” and things
don't seem quite so bad!!!!!!

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Chuckle 2975

(Chuckle 2975)

(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~Couple Sex?"~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Quickies)

 An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?" The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?" The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.

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(Quickies from Keith K of Florence)

Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

( I LOVE THIS ONE! ) My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

Chuckle 2974

(Chuckle 2974)

(Mac M of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~An Engineer in Hell~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

An engineer dies and goes to hell.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake – he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

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Chuckle 2973

(Chuckle 2973)

(Elva B of Coldwell ID gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~Senior Sex~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Quickies)

Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in The Villages in Florida. They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each others company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner, and much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.. Despite their ages, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink.

Things continued along a natural course, and with age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in his/her own thoughts.

Claude was thinking, if I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler.

Maude was thinking, if I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose.

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(Quickies from Keith K of Florence)

I dialed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

Chuckle 2972

(Chuckle 2972)

(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~Sunburn Treatment~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Bet you never thought of this... New Treatment For Sunburn - A guy visiting in Hawaii fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good wills Viagra do for him, Doctor'? The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'


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Chuckle 2970

(Chuckle 2970)
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~Nothing Left to live for~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

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Chuckle 2969

(Chuckle 2969)

(Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~Be Not Judgmental! ~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Time for a Beer)

Saint Peter was sitting at the Pearly Gates when two black and two Mexican guys arrived.

St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I will be right back."

St. Peter went over to God's chambers and told him who was waiting for entrance. God said to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be racist and judgmental here. This is heaven. ALL are loved. ALL are brothers. Go back and let them in!"

St. Peter went back to the Gates, looked around, and let out a heavy sigh.

He returned to God's chambers and said, "Well, they're gone."

"Who, the black guys or the Mexican guys?" asked God.

“NO, the Pearly Gates."

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(Time for a Beer from Phyllis of Pasadena CA)


Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.

Professor Irwin Corey

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group - Salvation in a can!

Leo Durocher

Chuckle 2968

(Chuckle 2968)

(Phyllis S of Pasadena gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~Late Night Call to the Vet~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her
neighbors male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and
moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in
obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs
mate.

Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was
late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,"Hang up the phone
and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call
you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection
and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.
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Chuckle 2967

(Chuckle 2967)

(Linda M of Gresham OR gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~You're Bullshittin' Me! ~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Time for a Beer)

A young man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Well yeah ... But you started it."

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(Time for a Beer from Phyllis of Pasadena CA)

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.

Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

Dave Barry

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!

W. C. Fields

Chuckle 2966

(Chuckle 2966)

(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~“Chicago style"~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence. One from Chicago, another from Kentucky and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," the Chicagoan explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Kentucky."

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Chuckle 2965

(Chuckle 2965)

(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks)

 ~Selling My Stuff if I die~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Time for Beer)

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(Time for a Beer from Phyllis of Pasadena CA)

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

George Bernard Shaw

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin

Chuckle 2964

(Chuckle 2964)

(Bill P of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks)

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car or were they trying to steal it? 'Heavens no, we bought it.' 'Then why don't you drive it away.' 'We can't drive.' 'Then why did you buy it?'

'We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed ......so we're just waiting.'
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