Chuckle 3774

Chuckle 3774
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Nicky H of Florence OR)

~Prison~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 diff’s)

I was sent to prison and I said to my cell mate,

"I won't be in here long."

He replied,

"Well the judge did give you 6 years."

"Yeah I know, but I think my wife will break me out, she's never let me finish a sentence before.”
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Maxine

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Chuckle 3773

Chuckle 3773 ---This is a 4 digit palindrome---
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Gary B of La Habra CA.)

~An Irish story, ~ (Second time around) (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

On A deserted island one day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long it has been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wetsuit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket there, and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!" At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

 

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Chuckle 3772

Chuckle 3772
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR)

~Lovely Minnesota Story~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s

 A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.

 He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

  So, she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

  One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was    followed by a three rotations in a jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut   the water like  a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

  She said,' That was incredible!'

  He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion.  You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves  as we went along.' So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps.  After about fifty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, hardly out of breath.

  He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

  'No.' she said, 'I was a hooker in Brainerd and I worked both sides of Lake Mille Lacs.'

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Maxine

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Chuckle 3771

Chuckle 3771

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR)

~Why Marines Are Always Honest~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

  Angelina Jolie

 One day, while a crusty old Marine was cutting the branch off a tree high above a river, his ax fell into the water. When he cursed out loud, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you fussing?" 

      The Marine replied that his ax had fallen into water, and he needed the ax to supplement his meager pension. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked. 

 The Marine replied, "No." 

     The Lord again went down and came up with a silver ax. "Is this your Ax?" the Lord asked.    Again, he replied, "No Lord." 

      The Lord went down again and came up with an iron ax. "Is this your Ax?" the Lord asked. The Marine replied, "Yes." 

       The Lord was pleased with his honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and he went home happy. 

       Sometime later the Marine was walking with his wife along the river bank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"    "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!" 

       The Lord went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.    "Yup that's her!" cried the Marine. 

     The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" 

 The Marine replied, "Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie, You would have come up with Cameron Diaz. 

      Then if I said 'no' to her, You would have come up with my woman. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve, that's why I said yes to Angelina Jolie." 

 And God was pleased. 

 The moral of this story is:  Whenever a Marine lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and only for the benefit of others!

 

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Chuckle 3770

Chuckle 3770
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Ron J of Florence OR)

~Library~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and
6 diff”s)

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
         
The girl replied, in a loud voice  "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed, and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I
study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"

The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

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Maxine

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Chuckle 3769

Chuckle 3769
(Today’s Chuckle thank go to Keith K of Florence OR)

~Pest Control~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

  A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

  'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

  The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.

  'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

  'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

  'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

  The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'
 

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Chuckle 3768

Chuckle 3768
(Today’s Chuckle thank go to Bev L of Mt Vernon WA)

~Frozen Windows~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: “Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: “Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now.”

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Chuckle 3767

Chuckle 3767
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Mac M of Florence OR)

~Hello Toes ~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 diff’s)

An old retired engineer fella John was celebrating 75 years on this earth. He spoke to his toes. "Hello toes.", he said. "How are you? You know, you are 75 today. Oh the times we've had! Remember how we walked in the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday toes!"

"Hello, knees.", he continued. "How are you? You know you're 75 today.. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees."

Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! You little Prick. Just think. If you were alive today . . . You'd be 75

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Chuckle 3766

Chuckle 3766
(Today’s Chuckle thank go to Keith K of Florence OR)

~40 Years of Marriage~(Second time around)(Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment:   'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a  wife 30  years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.!

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...

The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:  Men who are ungrateful idiots should remember that fairies are female . . .

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Chuckle 3765

Chuckle 3765
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Holly S of Chicago ILL.)

~Oatmeal~

--A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life,

The secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren,

And a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

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Spot the 6 Diff's

Chuckle 3764 Classic

Chuckle 3764 Classic 2-17
Chuckle 288 (sent out in April 2004)

(This is the 2^nd half of Will Rogers’ sayings sent to us by Jayne C. of Florence OR. Thanks Jayne!)

Part 2 of Will Rogers’ Sayings: ~ABOUT GROWING OLDER~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers.  Not me, I want people to know I look this way.  I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.  Today it's called golf.

And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

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Chuckle 3763 Classic

 

 



Chuckle 3763 Classic 2-15

Chuckle 287 (Sent out in April 2004)

(Jayne of Florence OR sent us this group of Will Roger’s sayings. The 1st half today and the other half tomorrow.) Thanks Jayne!)

 

~Saying by Will Rogers~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:

1.      Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2.      Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3.      There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4.      Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5.      Always drink upstream from the herd.
6.      If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7.      The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it
back in your pocket.
8.      There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading.
The few who learn by observation.  The rest of them have to pee on the
electric fence and find out for themselves.
9.      Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.
10.     If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now
and then to make sure it's still there.
11.     Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it
back.
12.     After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he
started roaring.  He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

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Herman