Chuckle 3862

Chuckle 3862
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Ron J of Florence OR)

~Amazing, Simple Home Remedies:~(Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s) 

1.  Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2.  Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by going next door.

3.  For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4.  A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5.  If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6.  You need only two tools in life - wd40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7.  If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Thought for the day:

Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when they're pushed down the stairs.

Some additional advice: never, under any circumstances, take a laxative and sleeping pills on the same night.

(Today in History Click)
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Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’s

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 3861

Chuckle 3861
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Gary B of LA Habra CA)

~Frozen Crabs and the Blonde Flight Attendant~ (Second time around) (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6diff’s)

 

Frozen Crabs and the Blonde Flight Attendant A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator for safe keeping. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

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(Today in History Click)
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 ____________________________________________________________

Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’s

Chuckle 3860

Chuckle 3860
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Nancy V of Florence OR)

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

(Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES 
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES. 
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100. 

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .. 
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the Century 
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.   "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

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(Today in History Click)
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__________________________________________________________ 

Maxine

________________________________________________________________


Herman

Chuckle 3859

Chuckle 3859
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Nicky H of Florence OR)

~Poor Fred~ (Second time around) (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied;

"The balcony"...

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

 

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 ________________________________________________________

Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 3858

Chuckle 3858
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Bev L of Mt Vernon WA) 

~The Grandmother of all Blonde Jokes~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 diff’s)

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid.

So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work,  she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.    He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing  and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb,  and she wanted to do it by painting the house..

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket, she replies that she   was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...

(You'll love this...)

(I know you will...)

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

 

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(Today in History Click)
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____________________________________________________________________

 

Maxine

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Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’s

Chuckle 3857

Chuckle 3857
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Ron J of Florence OR)

~Irish Sugar Test~ ( Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

One day Paddy goes into a chemist shop, reaches into his pocket and
takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon. 

He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist, and says,
"Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar." 

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 ______________________________________________________________

Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 3856

Chuckle 3856
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Mac M and Nicky H both of Florence OR)

From Mac; ~ Cold Morning~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 diff’s)

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges... with hammer." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really screwed up now."

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From Nicky;

(Today in History Click)
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Maxine

 

 



 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 _

Chuckle 3855

Chuckle 3855

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Nicky H of Florence OR)

~Investing In Art~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and
The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon:  "I have some good news, and I have some bad news. The tycoon replies:  "I’ve had an awful day, let's hear the good news first.

The lawyer says:  “Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 million

The tycoon replies enthusiastically:  “Well done, very good news indeed! 

You've just made my day; now what’s the bad new?

The lawyer answers...                                                      

 ”The pictures are of you and your secretary "......

 

(Today in History Click)
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 Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’s

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
 

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 3854

Chuckle 3854
(Today’s Chuckle thank go to Ron J of Florence OR)

~ Too Much Sex - a true story ~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

 I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while
sitting at the bar last night.

One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired."

His buddy says: "Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have
sex all the time.

She's after me 3 and 4 times a day, I just don't know what to
do."

A fellow about my age (70+), sitting a couple of stools down, also
overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years
says:

"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that
shit."

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(Today in History Click)
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Maxine 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Herman

 
 
 
 
 

 

Chuckle 3853

Chuckle 3853
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR)

~There's A Lesson Here...Somewhere~  ---Keith--- (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 diff’s)

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered, “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial”.

“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch….”

The father dialed the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.

“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You’ve got lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see, that was anger. Now I’ll show you what exasperation means.”

He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, “Hello!”

The father calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”

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Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’s