Chuckle 3989

Chuckle 3989 Classic
Chuckle 269 (Sent out in March 2004)

(Retha in Richland OR, which is near the Eastern border of the state, gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~Fred: ~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

   A law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the
posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands, but plays along with it.

"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

  The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD. Well, the ADA (American Dental Association) found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the VD ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD, leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing so hard, and tore up the
warning ticket.

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(Today in History Click)
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Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 3988 Classic

Chuckle 3988 Classic
Chuckle 102 (Sent out in Sept 2003)

(These chuckles were sent to us by Lee Ramos of Tigard, OR.. )(Thanks Lee!)

~Two Short Ones~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and

~A Last Request~

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, Dear, “he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"

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~The Rabbi’s Advice~

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's
poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll
see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to
your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my
advice?"
The man said ”yes” and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

(Today in History Click)
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Maxine

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Spot the 6 diff's

Chuckle 3987

Chuckle 3987
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to George H of Florence OR)

~Steenagers~ (Second time around.)  ( Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

I Just realized that I am a Steenager. (Senior teenager).

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 or 70 years later.  I don't have to go to school.  I don't have to go to work. I get an allowance (pensions, S.S.) I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own paid-for car. I have an ID that lets me buy wine and beer. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don't have acne. Life is great, who could ask for anything more?!

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(Today in History Click)
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(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

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Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Herman 

 

 
 
 
 

 

 

Chuckle 3986

Chuckle 3986
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Ron J of Florence OR)

~POSITIVE ATTITUDE!!!~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

Late in the night, he finally regained consciousness. He was in the hospital, in terrible pain.

He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in Both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse Hovering over him. He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening Situation.

The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke To him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your boobs, then?"

AND THAT, MY FRIEND, IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!!!

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(Today in History Click)
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Maxine

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Spot the 6 Diff's

Chuckle 3985

Chuckle 3985
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Nicky H of Florence OR)

~WHY ETHEL CHANGED MOTELS ~  ( Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

Ethel checked into a Motel on her 65th Birthday, she was lonely, a little depressed at her advancing age so decided to risk an adventure. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a dime off his well-oiled buns .......

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, so she rushed right in, "I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.  We'll go at it all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready! Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

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Maxine’s Turkey

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Chuckle 3984 Classic

Chuckle 3984 Classic
Chuckle 229 (Sent out in Feb 2004)

(Today’s chuckle thanks go to Rick and Ann of Surrey BC!)

~That’s Once~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 diff’s)

    A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.  Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, "What a peaceful and loving couple."

   A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.'  We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'  We hadn't gone a half mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule dead. I started an angry protest over her treatment of the mule, when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once.'  And we lived happily ever after.....

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(Today in History Click)
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Maxine’s Turkeys

                                                                       

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Spot the 6 Diff's

Chuckle 3983 Classic

Chuckle 3983
Chuckle 263 (Sent out in Mar 2004)

(Sheila M. of Grass Valley, CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~Alternate Punishment: ~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

   Much has been said about "tough love" for misbehaving children.

   Most of America's populace thinks it very improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control Wade when he has one of "those moments."

   One that I found very effective is for me to just take him for a car ride and talk to him.

   He usually calms down and stops misbehaving after our little car ride together.

   I've included the photo below of one of our sessions, in case you would like to use the technique.

 >

 

 >

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Maxine’s Turkey

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Herman

Chuckle 3982

Chuckle 3982
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Ron J and Mac M both of Florence OR)

~Smart Car Accident~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

A North Bay couple were treated for minor injuries at the local hospital
 emergency after their Smart Car hit a squirrel on Highway 69.
Witnesses say the squirrel fled the scene.

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(Today in History Click)
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Maxine

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Maxine

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Spot the 6 diff's

Chuckle 3981

Chuckle 3981
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Phyllis S of Pasadena CA)

~The Divorced Barbie Doll~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, nature calls, and Herman)

One day a father, on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.  He stops at a toy store, goes in, and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie’s in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?  We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The slightly miffed salesgirl rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Truck, Ken's House, Ken's Fishing Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Dog, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made from Ken's testicles.'

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Herman

Chuckle 3980

Chuckle 3980

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Phyllis S of Pasadena CA)

~A Story with a Moral~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 diff’s)

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, with some trepidation, that only the "creative" Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mom. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't mess with Mommy when she's been drinking."

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Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’s

 

 

 

Chuckle 3979

Chuckle 3979 Classic
Chuckle 520 (sent out in Nov 2004)

(Jayne C in Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Airport Conversation~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day,Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

-Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start a conversation while waiting at the airport. 

The 1st lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. 

The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from the South. When the conversation centered on if they had any children the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me." 

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious? 

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz." 

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious? 

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." 

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?? 

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" 

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady. 

"Charm school! ??" the first woman cried, "Oh my God! What on earth for?" 

The Southern lady responded, "Well for one thing, instead of saying 

‘Who gives a shit?'  I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious?" 

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(Today in History Click)
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Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 3978

Chuckle 3978
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Nicky H of Florence OR)

~Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack With A Small Beretta Pistol~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 diff’s)

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire testimonial. Here is her story in her own words: "While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of The Villages in Florida with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water, and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's kneecap was all it took. The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible!"

 

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 __________________________________________________________________

Maxine

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Spot the 6 diff's

Chuckle 3977

Sorry about yesterday’s repeat chuckle!

Chuckle 3977
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Nicky H of Florence OR)

~ Acts 2:38!'~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 diff’s)

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening
of church services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'

(Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ,
so that your sins may be forgiven.)
 

The burglar stopped in his tracks.

The woman calmly called the police and explained
what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar:
'Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was yell a scripture to you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!'

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Maxine

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Spot the 6 Diff's