Chuckle 4093

Chuckle 4093
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR)

~Mom’s Gravestone~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 diff’s)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Maxine

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Chuckle 4092

Chuckle 4092
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR)
~He's My Brother~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. 

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?”

“Eight”, the boy replied.

 The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”
The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren't for me.  They're for him.  He's my

brother.  He's four."

"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.

 "Yes." the boy said.  "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of that.”

 

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Maxine

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Herman

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Chuckle 4091

Chuckle 4091

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR)

~2 Story Outhouse~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 diff’s)

I can't even think of anything to add to this...    Words fail me! This picture is worth 10,000 of them.

Yep!!! This pretty much says it all.
 Needs no additional comments!!!

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Maxine

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Chuckle 4090

Chuckle 4090
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Nancy S of Sheridan WY)

~Those Blondes Again~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

  Two blondes were filling up at a gas station and the first blonde says to the   second, "I bet these awful gas prices are going to go even higher." The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me, I always put in just $10 worth."

  One day, Jill's husband came home from the office and found her  sobbing convulsively.   "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned  a big hole in the seat of your trousers." "Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I bought an extra pair of pants for that suit." "Yes, and it's lucky for you that you did,"  said Jill, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."

  Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"

A blonde decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her blonde friend from next  door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were  identical in  size. "Buffy," she said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"   "Ten," said Buffy. So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did  the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover.  "Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"  "Yes," said Buffy. "So did I."

A few more later.

 

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Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 4089

Chuckle 4089
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Elva B of Coldwell ID)

~Fear~ ( Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night, so I went to a shrink and told him: "I've got problems.  Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.  I'm scared.  I think I'm going crazy."

  "Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink.  Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
 
  "How much do you charge?"
 
  "Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.

  "I'll sleep on it," I said.
 
  Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
 
"Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00.  A bartender cured me for $10.00.  I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck."
 
  "Is that so?"  With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
 
  "He told me to cut the legs off the bed.  Ain't nobody under there now."
   It's always better to get a second opinion
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Maxine

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Chuckle 4088 Classic

Chuckle 4088 Classic
Chuckle 553 (Sent out in Dec 2004)

(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Bungee Jump~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

Billy Bob & Harlan are bungee-jumping one day. Billy Bob says to Harlan, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico. They don't have it there."

Harlan thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. 

So Harlan jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up Billy Bob notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Billy Bob isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again Billy Bob misses him. Harlan falls again. And bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up, he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, Billy Bob finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long? Barely able to speak, Harlan gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd. What the hell's a pinata?

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Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 4087

Chuckle 4087
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Sue J of Florence OR)

~Acts 2:38~(Second time around.) (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled to see an intruder there.

She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'

That is “Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.” (In case you did not recall that verse).

The burglar stopped in his tracks.

The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”

“Scripture?” replied the burglar. “She said she had an Axe and Two 38s!”

Send this to someone who needs a laugh today and remember. Knowing scripture can save your life.

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Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Chuckle 4086

Chuckle 4086 Classic
Chuckle 259 (Sent out in Mar 2004)

(Today’s chuckle thanks go to Pam in Roseville, CA!)

~Marriage at It's Finest:~  ( Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

Marriage (Part I)

   A typical man married a good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

  "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you.  I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.  I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

   His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me.  Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

Marriage (Part II)

  A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!  The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'

   "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.  Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

At around dinner-time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.  She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

He says, "What are you doing in bed at this hour?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.  He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion and respect shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

God may have created man before woman but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

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 _________________________________________________

Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Herman

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 4085

Chuckle 4085
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Ron J of Florence OR)

~There were two nuns~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

The other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to make love to us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do, of course, is to walk faster.

A little while later...

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

After a while Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty: Say two Hail Marys!

 

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Maxine

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Chuckle 4084

Chuckle 4084
Chuckle 524( Sent out in Nov 2004)

(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rick in Surrey BC!)

~Driving Funny~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
  The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60
perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
  Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly
dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
  As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over to his
wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
  The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your
radar detector went off when it did."
  As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
  Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing
your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
  The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
  The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on.  You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
  And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
  The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

I love this part....
“Only when he's been drinking."

 

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Maxine

_____________________________________________________

Herman

Chuckle 4083

Chuckle 4083
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to George H of Florence OR)

~Remember Slow Food? ~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

'Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?'

'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up, I informed him. 'All the food was slow.'

'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'

'It was a place called 'at Home,'' I explained. !

'Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

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Maxine

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Spot the 6 Diffs