Chuckle 5025

Chuckle 5025 from email Jokes

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Anon)

~The Ballerina and the Marine~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks into a bar in San Diego.  She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.  But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk Gunny Sergeant slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again the same Marine slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the Marine and said, "I say, old chap, it's not my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

The Gunny replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."

 ___________________________________________________________

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

________________________________________________

Maxine

____________________________________________________

Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’s

Chuckle 5024

Chuckle 5024 Classic

Chuckle 501

(Mary in Los Osos gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~NEW EXERCISE ROUTINE~ 

New exercise routine if you're over 50. I know this works as I use it daily. You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program.

SCROLL DOWN...

NOW SCROLL UP... ......

That's enough for the first day. Have some chocolate!

_____________________________________________________

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

____________________________________________________

Maxine

_____________________________________________________

Herman

Chuckle 5023

Chuckle 5023 Classic

Chuckle 244 (Sent out a second time March 2013)

(Today’s chuckle thanks go to Pat M. in Florence, OR.)

~ Juggle:~ ( Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s  horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s A Pennsylvania State Trooper pulled a car over on I-81 about 2  miles north of the Pa/Md state line. When the Trooper asked  the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he  was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Harrisburg  to do a show that night at the Zembo Shrine Circus and didn't want  to be late. The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and  if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give  him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his  patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated  that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed  them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind  the patrol car, a drunk got out and watched the performance  briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear  door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and  went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the  drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied,  "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way  in hell I can pass that test."  __________________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/ ___________________________________________________ Maxine ______________________________________________________ Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’s

Chuckle 5022

Chuckle 5022

 (Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Nancy in Sun City AZ)

~Church Signs~  ( Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

_____________________________________________________________

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)

www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

_____________________________________________________________

Maxine

____________________________________________________________

Herman

Chuckle 5021 Classic

Chuckle 5021 Classic

Chuckle 465 (Sent out in Sept 2004)

(Jayne C in Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~A Thank You Note~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:

  God bless you for the beautiful radio won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely, Edna Walters

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

Maxine

_____________________________________________________

Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’s

Chuckle 5020 Floppy

Chuckle 5020 Floppy

Was received July 2001

~Letter~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town, which he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing
to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said,
"I've been operating this hotel for many years.
In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels,
bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.
I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night
for being drunk and disorderly.  And I've never had a
dog run out on a hotel bill.  Yes, indeed, your dog is
welcome at my hotel, and if your dog will vouch for you,
you're welcome to stay here, too!"

________________________________________________________ 

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

_______________________________________________________

Maxine

___________________________________________________________

Herman

Chuckle 5019

Chuckle 5019

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Nancy in Sun City AZ)

~Two Women on a Stroll~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua.  As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink." 

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. 
We've got dogs with us." 

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do." 

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. 
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." 
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. 
This is my seeing-eye dog." 
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?" 
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." 
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in." 
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought ,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in. 

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog" 

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" 
The woman with the Chihuahua said, ........

"A Chihuahua ? They gave me a damn Chihuahua ?!"

________________________________________________________

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

_________________________________________

Maxine

______________________________________________________

6 Diff’s

Chuckle 5018 Classic

Chuckle 5018 Classic

Chuckle 166 (Sent out in Dec 2003)

(Rick and Ann of Surrey, BC sent today’s Chuckle to us. Thanks go to both of you!)

~Bar Code:~ ( Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman

  The cashier moves the cucumber over the bar code reader. "That will be $65 for the cucumber please."   The lady customer goes, "What? ........."
   The next guy in the checkout line wants a box of matches. Again the bar code reader says $32. "That will be $32 for the matches, sir" said the cashier.
  "What? There must be something wrong with that reader!"
  "Sorry sir, if the machine reads the codes to be $32, it IS $32."
   The man puts the matches down on the counter and says: "You know what you can do with a $32 box of matches!" 

"Sorry sir can't do. There is already a $65 cucumber up there."

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

Maxine

Taken from Facebook.

____________________________________________________________

Herman

Chuckle 5017 Classic

Chuckle 5017 Classic

Chuckle 289 ( sent out in April 2004)

(Carrie M. of Sacramento CA. sent today’s chuckle to us.

Thanks Carrie!)

~One Stone:~ ( Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

   One Stone was his Indian name, given to him because he had only one testicle. After years and years of this torment One Stone cracked and said, "If anyone calls me One Stone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

   Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said,  "Good morning, One Stone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest, and there he made love to her all day, he made love to her all night, he made love  to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

   The word got around that One Stone meant business. Years went by until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after many years away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw One Stone and hugged him and said, "Good to see you, One Stone." One Stone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of the story?

You can't kill two Birds with One Stone!

____________________________________________________

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

Maxine

Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’s