Chuckle 5551

 

Chuckle 5551

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Bev L of Mt Vernon WA)

~A little bit of religious humor.~ (Plus: , Aunty Acid and  6 diff’s )

    An Atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!

'What powerful rivers !

'What beautiful animals!

He said to himself.

Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look ... . And saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could along the path.

He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing on him ..

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer .... And then ..... He tripped and fell.

Rolling over to pick himself up, he found the bear was right on top of him

Reaching towards him with its left paw .... And raising the right paw to strike

At that instant the Atheist cried out,

'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped ...

The bear froze .....

The forest was silent ...

A bright light shone upon the man,

And a voice came out of the sky ..

"You deny my existence for all these years,

You teach others I don't exist

And even credit creation to cosmic accident ........

Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?"

"Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light ....

"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now ...

But perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

... A pause ...

"Very well," said the voice ..

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed ...

The bear dropped his right arm ...

Brought both paws together ..

Bowed his head & spoke...

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive.

Amen."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

____________________________________________________________

Chuckle 5550

 

Chuckle 5550 Classic

 

Chuckle 137

(Thanks go to Carrie Maddox of Sacramento, CA for this

Chuckle.)

Note: This chuckle is a little long but worth the read!

~Cajun Math:~ ( Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and  Sign )

A Houston construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came a Cajun.

I'm not hiring any Cajuns, the foreman thought to himself, so he made up a test hoping that the Cajun wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

"Here's your first question," the foreman said.

"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Cajun says.

"Dat is easy," and proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you got no brain?  Tree and tree and tree make nine." says the Cajun.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here is your second question.
Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now! So its dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire this guy, so he says "Alright, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

Chuckle 137 cont.

 

The Cajun stares into space again, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "Ere you go. One 'undred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred."

The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree, so now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one 'undred.

When do I start?"

 _________________________________________

 

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

___________________________________________________________ 

___________________________________________________________

Chuckle 5549

 

Chuckle 5549

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Nancy in Sun City AZ)

 ~An older lady named Ida~(Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and  Sign )

 An older lady named Ida was somewhat lonely since her cat died and decided she needed another pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered, 'I'M LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME. YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.' 

Ida figured, what the heck! She hadn't found 

anything else. So she bought the frog. She placed
him in the car, on the front seat beside her.
As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her 'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY..'! 




So, Ida figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.


IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince. 





THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED IDA'S KISS.

SUDDENLY IDA FELT HERSELF
TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS.

NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT IDA TURNED INTO? ? 

COME ON GUESS! 



* 

* 

*

*



SHE TURNED INTO
the first Holiday Inn
SHE COULD FIND!!!


She's old...... NOT DEAD!!!!! 
OLD LADIES ROCK

 

 _______________________________________________

 

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

 

 _____________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

 

_____________________________________________________________

 

Chuckle 5548

 

Chuckle 5548 Classic

 Chuckle 136

 Thanks go to Dean and Dee of Florence, OR for this chuckle!

 ~The Donkey:~ ( Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Herman)

   A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told

the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go is to say,  "Hallelujah!"
                        
The only way to make the donkey stop is to say, "Amen!"
                        
 The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately
got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.
                        
  "Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot.
"Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.
                        
 "This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah", he
rode off very proud of his new purchase.
                        
  The man traveled for a long time through some mountains.
Soon he was heading towards a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop.
                        
    "Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just
kept going.

    "Oh, no…'Bible...Church!...Please Stop!!," shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the cliff edge.
                        
    Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer..."Please, dear Lord.  Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain,  In Jesus' name, AMEN."
                        
   The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the
edge of the cliff.
                        
   "HALLELUJAH!", shouted the man.

 _________________________________________________________

 

_____________________________________________________________

Herman

Chuckle 5547

 

Chuckle 5547 Classic

 Chuckle 134

 (Pat Mahoney of Florence, OR sent this one to us, thanks Pat!)

 Note: With all these blonde stories we’ve been receiving lately. I wonder if this might be “National Blonde Week”

 ~RECTUM DEODORANT~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign)

:A blonde walked into a pharmacy and asked the assistant for some rectum deodorant. 

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explained to the woman that they didn't sell rectum deodorant, and never had. 

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. 

"I'm sorry," said the pharmacist, "we don't have any." 

"But I always get it here," said the blonde. 

"Do you have the container it comes in?" asked the pharmacist 

"Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." 

She returned with the container and handed it to the pharmacist who looked at it and said to her, 

"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." 

Annoyed, the blonde snatched the container back and read out loud from the container, 

"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

 

  __________________________________________________

 (Today in History Click)

http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

 _________________________________________________________ 

______________________________________________________________

Merry Cristmas 5546

 Hope you all will have a nice Christmas.                

 ---- Mr. Chuckles ---

Chuckle 5545

 

Chuckle 5545 Classic

Chuckle 230 Sent out in Feb 2004

(Today’s chuckle thanks go to Willie and Joy of Sacramento CA!)

~Why is it…:~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope Maxine and Sign)

 I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting Clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
    ********************************************************
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping", now I just "chunky dunk".
    *********************************************************
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
      *********************************************************
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
    *********************************************************
My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.
    *********************************************************
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
    *********************************************************
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
     *********************************************************
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
     *********************************************************
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever

 

________________________________________________

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

___________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________

Chuckle 5544

 

Chuckle 5544

 (Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Bill P of Florence OR)

 

~Aging~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

GETTING OLDER     
  
A distraught senior citizen   phoned her doctor's office.               
  
"Is it true," she wanted to know, that the medication   you prescribed has to be taken   for the rest of my life?"               
  
“Yes, I'm afraid so,” the doctor   told her.     

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,   "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked   'NO REFILLS'."     
  
  
***********************               
   An older gentleman was on the operating table   awaiting surgery   and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.     
  
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.     
  
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"     
  
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."    

______________________________________________________________

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

 _____________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________

6 diff's

Chuckle 5543

 

Chuckle 5543 Classic

Chuckle 408 Sent out in Aug 2004

 (Today’s chuckle thanks go to Mary in Los Osos CA!)

 ~Deep Hole ~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign)

   Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole."Wow...that looks deep."

  "Sure does, toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

 They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.

  "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise.   They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

 

   They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

   The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

    Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running likethe wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.  

 The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

  "Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"

  "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

   "Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

_______________________________________________ 

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

 ______________________________________________________

___________________________________________________

 

Chuckle 5542

 

Chuckle 5542 Classic

 

Chuckle 132  (Sent out in Oct. 2003)

  (This chuckle was sent in by Rick and Ann of Surrey B.C.

I’ll have to admit that I laughed out loud at this one.

Thanks Rick.)

~Latex Gloves:~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and  Sign )

  A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady
was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
gloves.

   "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

  "No, I don't."
  "Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex,
and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let
them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right
size."

  She didn't crack a smile.

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during the procedure she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

 "I was just envisioning how condoms are made...."

____________________________________________________

 

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

 _______________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chuckle 5541

 

Chuckle 5541 Classic

 

Chuckle 405 (Mary S in Los Osos CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~Great Truths~ (Part 1) (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and 6 diff’s)

 

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 

 

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap. 

 

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 

2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. 

 

 _______________________________________________

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

 _______________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

____________________________________________________

6 diff's

 

 

Chuckle 5540

 

Chuckle 5540

Chuckle 404 (sent out in 2004)

(Rick in Surrey BC gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~Business Sign~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and  Herman)

"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS 

WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS

THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN"

  This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business . . . and that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back. 

  But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement.  We are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty and after all, it is just a sign.

 You may ask, “What kind of business would dare post such a sign?”

Answer: A Funeral Home

 _______________________________________________

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

_________________________________________________ 

 

 

__________________________________________________

 

Chuckle 5539

 

Chuckle 5539

 (Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Nancy in Sun City AZ)

~As we close 2020, something to think about:~

1. The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.

2. I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing.

3. 2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.

4. The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house & their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

5. This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her dog. It was obvious she thought her dog understood her. I came into my house & told my cat. We laughed a lot.

6. Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

7. Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?

8. This virus has done what no woman has been able to do. Cancel sports, shut down all bars & keep men at home!

9. I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are! 1

10. I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

11. I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to the Backyard. I’m getting tired of the Living Room.

12. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask & ask for money.

 

 ___________________________________________________

 

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

 

________________________________________________

 

__________________________________________________

Sign from Keith

Chuckle 5538

 

Chuckle 5538 Classic

 

Chuckle 403 ( sent out in July 2004)

(Rick in Surrey BC get today’s chuckle thanks!)

~Beliefs~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and 6 diff’s)

  A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

  The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.”

  The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

  To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”

   The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

   A short while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”

   The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”

   The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever succumbed to the temptations of the flesh?”

   The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my vow of celibacy.”

    The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, "Sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it??”

_______________________________________________

 (Today in History Click)

http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

_______________________________________________ 

_______________________________________________