Chuckle 1028

Chuckle 1028
(Rich W of Scotts Valley gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Good Ole Boys~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

Two good ole boys down in Alabama were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer... After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"


The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his
head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even." ***

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~IT Guys~

Two IT guys were talking in a bar after work. "Guess what," says the first IT guy, "yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde in a bar."

"What did you do?" says the other IT guy.

"Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off."

"You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy.

"I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop."

"Really? You got a new laptop?" ***

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Word of the Day for Sunday April 30, 2006

gloaming \GLOH-ming\, noun:Twilight; dusk.

The children squealed and waved and smiled, their teeth flashing white in the gloaming.-- Evan Thomas, Robert Kennedy: His Life

It was the gloaming, when a man cannot make out if the nebulous figure he glimpses in the shadows is angel or demon, when the face of evening is stained by red clouds and wounded by lights.-- Homero Aridjis, 1492: The Life and Times of Juan Cabezon of Castile (translated by Betty Ferber)

Arrived at the village station on a wintry evening, when the gloaming is punctuated by the cheery household lamps, shining here and there like golden stars, through the leafless trees.-- Margaret Sangster
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Chuckle 1027

Chuckle 1027
(Jayne C of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Angel Sent Down~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So, He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that e-mail said?

No?

Oh, so you didn't get one either? ***
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Word of the Day for Saturday April 29, 2006

microcosm \MY-kruh-koz-uhm\, noun:1. A little world. Hence, man or human nature as a supposed epitome of the world or universe (compare macrocosm).2. A smaller, representative system having analogies to a larger system.

The monarch and his followers thought of the court as a microcosm of how the kingdom ought to be, the harmonious expression of a social order centred on the monarch.-- John Brewer, The Pleasures of the Imagination

There is a classic Jimmy Stewart movie, Magic Town, about "Grandview," a small town in the Midwest that is a perfect statistical microcosm of the United States, a place where the citizens' opinions match perfectly with Gallup polls of the entire nation.-- James S. Fishkin, The Voice of the People

New York saw itself as a quasi-independent political and cultural entity that was both a microcosm of and a model for the nation as a whole.-- Robert A. M. Stern, New York 1880
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1026

Chuckle 1026
(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~ Church Bells ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along. ***

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Word of the Day for Friday April 28, 2006

provenance \PROV-uh-nuhn(t)s\, noun:Origin; source.

In a world awash in information of dubious provenance, whom can you trust to tell you the truth?-- Gerald Jonas, review of The Jazz, by Melissa Scott, New York Times, June 18, 2000

There may have been as many as one hundred antique statues of Roman provenance in the city at the time of the Fourth Crusade.-- Patricia Fortini Brown, Venice & Antiquity

The provenance of his possessions traced back to dukes and duchesses, kings, queens, czars, emperors, and dictators.-- John Berendt, Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil
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Chuckle 1025

Chuckle 1025
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rich C in Yuma AZ)

~Funeral ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the cardiologist in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted. ***

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Word of the Day for Thursday April 27, 2006

harridan \HAIR-uh-din\, noun:A worn-out strumpet; a vixenish woman; a hag.

With the insight of hindsight, I'd have liked to have been able to protect my mother from the domineering old harridan, with her rough tongue and primitive sense of justice, but I did not see it like that, then.-- Angela Carter, Shaking a Leg

Whatever compassion we may feel towards Seraphie, charged with managing the Beyle household and provided with little in the way of emotional or material recompense, evidence scarcely softens Stendhal's portrait of an ignorant, vindictive, mean-spirited harridan.-- Jonathan Keates, Stendhal

Even before that, for the first year and a half, as reports and rumors seeped out that she was a harridan, yelling and throwing things at subordinates as well as at her husband and his aides, she would often think to herself, "What's going on here? Why are some of these people slandering me or my husband on a daily basis? Why is all this stuff happening?"-- David Maraniss, "First Lady of Paradox", Washington Post, January 15, 1995

As the vulgar, scornful, desperate Martha, Miss Hagen makes a tormented harridan horrifyingly believable.-- Howard Taubman, "The Theater: Albee's 'Who's Afraid'", New York Times, October 15, 1962
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1024

Chuckle 1024
(Mary S of Los Osos CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)



~To the Girls!! ~ (Some are 2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened? -Cora Harvey Armstrong-

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies. (Unknown)

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)-

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. -Janette Barber-

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
-Lily Tomlin-

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being -- hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. -Erma Bombeck-

Old age ain't no place for sissies. -Bette Davis-

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. -Rhonda Hansome-

The phrase "working mother" is redundant. -Jane Sellman-

Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows. -Jennifer Unlimited-

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. -Charlotte Whitton-


Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. -Caryn Leschen-

I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once. -Jennifer Unlimited- ***

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Word of the Day for Wednesday April 26, 2006

equipoise \EE-kwuh-poiz; EK-wuh-\, noun:1. A state of being equally balanced; equilibrium; -- as of moral, political, or social interests or forces.2. Counterbalance.

What matters is the poetry, and the truest readings of it "are those which are sensitive to the strangeness of Marvell's genius: its delicate equipoise, held between the sensual and the abstract, its refusal to treat experience too tidily, the uncanny tremor of implication that makes the poems' lucid surfaces shimmer with a sense of something undefined and undefinable just beneath."-- James A. Winn, "Tremors of Implication", New York Times, July 9, 2000

I cannot see how the unequal representation which is given to masses on account of wealth becomes the means of preserving the equipoise and the tranquillity of the commonwealth.-- Edmund Burke, "Reflections on The Revolution In France"

Our little lives are kept in equipoiseBy opposite attractions and desires.-- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, "Haunted Houses"
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Chuckle 1023

Chuckle 1023
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA!)


~Rat-a-Tat~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and its half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time." he thinks and rolls over then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there.” Slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"

"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door. He goes back to bed and tells his wife what happened. she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's door asked him to get us started again? What would have happened if he" told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk!" says the husband.

"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, he shouts "Hey, do you still want a push?"

He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts, “Where are you?"

The stranger replies, "I’m over here, on your swing." ***

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Word of the Day for Tuesday April 25, 2006

sporadic \spuh-RAD-ik\, adjective:Occurring singly, or occasionally, or in scattered instances.

Throughout the early years of Kelly's life, out of guilt as much as out of affection, she suspected, her father would make sporadic reappearances, make ever more incompetent attempts to be a good father to her and a good partner to her mother, before leaving again.-- Geoff Nicholson, Female Ruins

The land is desperately overpopulated, and the thin soil is so eroded that it can only sustain scattered groups of scrawny cattle or sheep and sporadic crops of maize.-- Anthony Sampson, Mandela: The Authorized Biography

In most courses he received a simple Pass, a grade designed for bright students with a history of sporadic attendance or other problems.-- Paul Mariani, The Broken Tower: A Life of Hart Crane
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1022

Chuckle 1022
(Dick L of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Don't Overdo It! ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

Here is an exercise suggested for adults over 40 and seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders.

It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my friends. Just don't over-do it.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-LB. Potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-LB. Potato sacks.

Then 50-LB. Potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-LB. Potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.


After You Feel Confident at That Level, Put A Potato in Each of The Sacks............... ***

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Word of the Day for Monday April 24, 2006

rebarbative \ree-BAR-buh-tiv\, adjective:Serving or tending to irritate or repel.

Over the past couple of hours a lot of rebarbative, ulcerated and embittered people had been working hard at bedding their resentments down in sensory-deprivation tanks full of alcohol.-- Will Self, The Sweet Smell of Psychosis

I still think this true, yet can't help regret the unretrievable hours lavished on so much rebarbative critical prose, convinced that the nearly impenetrable must be profound.-- Michael Dirda, "In which our intrepid columnist visits the Modern Language Association convention and reflects on what he found there", Washington Post, January 28, 2001
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Chuckle 1021

Chuckle 1021
(Sandy J of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Don’t Party in Mexico~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, I just graduated from Brigham Young University and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives hr last words, "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Kentucky and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.***
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Word of the Day for Sunday April 23, 2006

agog \uh-GOG\, adjective:Full of excitement or interest; in eager desire; eager, keen.

Kobe Bryant left the Minnesota Timberwolves agog after a series of eye-popping moves in a game last week.-- New York Times, February 5, 1998

He was now so interested, quite so privately agog, about it, that he had already an eye to the fun it would be to open up to her afterwards.-- Henry James, The Ambassadors

By the second day he had found his sea-legs, and with hair flying and double-waistcoats flapping, he patrolled the deck agog with excitement, questioning and noting.-- Richard Holmes, Coleridge: Darker Reflections, 1804-1834
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Find the 6 differences, answers below.

Chuckle 1020

Chuckle 1020
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Bev L of Florence OR!)


~English Woman’s Poodle~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, English woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, “Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor!!! And put this American in his place!!!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby lowered his newspaper and said... "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing... You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window." ***

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Word of the Day for Saturday April 22, 2006

itinerant \eye-TIN-uhr-uhnt\, adjective:1. Passing or traveling from place to place; wandering.
noun:1. One who travels from place to place.

Like many itinerant vendors in rural places, he was a smooth-talking purveyor of dreams along with tawdry trinkets, and Eliza responded to this romantic wanderer.-- Ron Chernow, Titan: The Life of John D. Rockefeller

Molds were therefore used only for small amounts of fat, shared with neighbors at cooperative candle dippings or supplied by itinerant candlemakers who went from house to house, helping with the task.-- Susan Strasser, Waste and Want

Even the itinerant street-vendors cease bustling about and stand still with their mobile stalls, their straps, their samples of merchandise, their mouths wide open and their heads in the air.-- Dacia Maraini, The Silent Duchess

Their characters are itinerants, voyagers between lands, languages and religions.-- Maya Jaggi, "A son of the road", The Guardian, November 16, 2002
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Chuckle 1019

Chuckle 1019
(Marlene W of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Don't Change What Is Not Broken ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color.

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out from the path of the ambulance?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you." ***
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Word of the Day for Friday April 21, 2006

caveat \KAY-vee-at; KAV-ee-; KAH-vee-aht\, noun:1. (Law) A notice given by an interested party to some officer not to do a certain act until the opposition has a hearing.2. A warning or caution; also, a cautionary qualification or explanation to prevent misunderstanding.

Two young Harvard M.B.A.'s worked up some highly optimistic projections -- with the caveat that these were speculative and should of course be tested.-- Roy Blount Jr., "Able Were They Ere They Saw Cable", New York Times, March 9, 1986

One caveat: If you plan to travel by car in Europe, expect a serious erosion of your buying power. Gasoline costs twice as much in France as in the U.S. (and triple the U.S. price in the U.K.).-- Lynn Woods, "Euro Trashed", Kiplinger's, November 2000

At Disney, Eisner says, adding an important caveat, "Failing is good, as long as it doesn't become a habit."-- Warren Bennis and Patricia Ward Biederman, Organizing Genius
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1018

Chuckle 1018
(Dean O of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~One Last Fling~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me-her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!
***
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Word of the Day for Thursday April 20, 2006

patina \PAT-n-uh; puh-TEEN-uh\, noun:1. The color or incrustation which age gives to works of art; especially, the green rust which covers ancient bronzes, coins, and medals.2. The sheen on any surface, produced by age and use.3. An appearance or aura produced by habit, practice, or use.4. A superficial layer or exterior.

[The ship] was sleek and black, her decks scrubbed smooth with holystones, her deckhouses glistening with the yellowed patina of old varnish.-- Gary Kinder, Ship of Gold in the Deep Blue Sea

A patina of coal dust lies over everything.-- "A Railroad Runs Through It," review of Stations: An Imagined Journey, by Michael Flanagan, New York Times, October 23, 1994

Rothko himself was guilty of making ponderous statements about the religious and mythic dimensions of his art; and Mrs. Ashton has adopted this clumsy impulse, laying over his work a heavy patina of commentary that seems designed to show off her own wide-ranging intellect.-- Michiko Kakutani, review of About Rothko, by Dore Ashton, New York Times, November 7, 1983
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Chuckle 1017

Chuckle 1017
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Pat M of Florence OR!)

~Senior Fire Fighters~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact" But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer Fire Company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Norwegians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant ... and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Norske fire fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da furst thing ve do is fix da brakes on dat darn truck! ***

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Word of the Day for Wednesday April 19, 2006

implacable \im-PLAK-uh-bull\, adjective:Not placable; not to be appeased; incapable of being pacified; inexorable; as, an implacable foe.

For it is my office to prosecute the guilty with implacable zeal.-- Paola Capriolo, Floria Tosca (translated by Liz Heron)

He... then continued on up the road, his shoulders bent beneath the implacable sun.-- Arturo Pérez-Reverte, The Fencing Master

She conducted her life and her work with all the steady and implacable seriousness of a steamroller.-- "The Stein Salon Was The First Museum of Modern Art", New York Times, December 1, 1968
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(Find the 6 differences,answers below)

Chuckle 1016

Chuckle 1016
(George H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~The Four Cats! ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant,
the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.............Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his
cat and said,” Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"
The Government Employee called his cat and said, “Coffee Break do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet ate the cookies, drank the milk, sh*t on the paper, made love to the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

AND THAT'S WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT....... ***

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Word of the Day for Tuesday April 18, 2006

expeditious \ek-spuh-DISH-uhs\, adjective:Characterized by or acting with speed and efficiency.

His problem was to get from Lookout Valley to Chattanooga Valley in the most expeditious way possible.-- Ulysses S. Grant, Personal Memoirs

The criminal may of course use some short-term act of violence to 'terrorize' his victim, such as waving a gun in the face of a bank clerk during a robbery in order to ensure the clerk's expeditious compliance.-- Bruce Hoffman, Inside Terrorism
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Chuckle 1015

Chuckle 1015
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rich W of Scotts Valley CA!)

~Home Depot~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

I was pushing my cart around Home Depot today when I collided with another old timer. I said to the man, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The other old man says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her, and I'm getting a little desperate."

So I say to this guy, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The other old man says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

I look at him and say,” Doesn’t matter --- let's look for yours." ***

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Word of the Day for Monday April 17, 2006

choler \KOLL-ur; KOLE-ur\, noun:Irritation of the passions; anger; wrath.

And at last he seems to have found his proper subject: one that genuinely engages his intellect, truly arouses his characteristic choler and fills him with zest.-- "Black Humor': Could Be Funnier", New York Times, January 12, 1998

I found my choler rising.-- Samuel Richardson, A Collection of the Moral and Instructive Sentiments... in the Histories of Pamela, Clarissa, and Sir Charles Grandison
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1014

Chuckle 1014
(Carrie M of Sacramento CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Happy Keester~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

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(Click Today in History and learn.)

• Today in history

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Word of the Day for Sunday April 16, 2006

hortatory \HOR-tuh-tor-ee\, adjective:Marked by strong urging; serving to encourage or incite; as, "a hortatory speech."

He later gave up the ministry in the conviction that he could reach thousands with his beguiling pen and only hundreds with his hortatory voice.-- Carl Van Doren, The American Novel, 1789-1939

Instead of "Home Run, Jack," the hortatory message that greets the batter at the plate is the subliminal one that surfaces: "Run Home, Jack."-- Marjorie Garber, Symptoms of Culture

The former West German Chancellor's book . . . is a call to action, and, even in this good translation, the book relies heavily on the hortatory language of political appeals.-- Tamar Jacoby, "Carrots and Sticks", New York Times, August 24, 1986
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Chuckle 1013

Chuckle 1013
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rick R of Surrey BC!)


~Blind Pilot~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. The plane had a layover in Sacramento. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in one hour. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. Another man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for an hour, would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story....Have a great day and remember... Things aren't always as they appear. ***

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Word of the Day for Saturday April 15, 2006

land of Nod, noun:sleep

We were fast going off to the land of Nod, when - bang, bang, bang - on the scuttle, and "All hands, reef topsails, ahoy!" started us out of our berths.-- Richard Henry Dana Jr., Two Years Before The Mast

For the jet-lagged insomniac, here are a few suggestions of what to do in Manhattan once the last bar has chucked you out and the land of nod seems further away than the night bus to Camberwell.-- William Hide, "The night shift", The Guardian, February 24, 2001
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1012

Chuckle 1012
(Nadine W of Carpinteria CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Dead Mule in the Church Yard~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard He telephoned the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the Pastor to the Health Department

They explained, "Since there was no health threat, you'll need to call the Sanitation Department." When the pastor called the Sanitation Department, the Manager of the Sanitation Department said, "I can't pick up that dead mule without authorization from the mayor." The Pastor was not at all too eager to call the Mayor, who possessed a very bad temper and was always extremely unpleasant and hard to deal with, but, eventually, the Pastor called the mayor anyway. The mayor did not disappoint the Pastor.

The mayor immediately began to rant and rave. After his continued rant at the pastor, the mayor finally said, "Why did you call me any way? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"

The pastor paused for a brief prayer, and asked the Lord to direct his response.

The Lord led the pastor to the words he was seeking,

"WELL Yes, Mayor, it IS my job to bury the dead, BUT I always like to notify the next of kin first!" ***

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Word of the Day for Friday April 14, 2006
desuetude \DES-wih-tood, -tyood\, noun:The cessation of use; discontinuance of practice or custom; disuse.

Nuns and priests abandoned the identifying attire of the religious vocation and frequently also the vocation itself, experimental liturgies celebrated more the possibility of cultural advancement than that of eternal life, and popular Marian devotions fell into desuetude.-- Michael W. Cuneo, The Smoke of Satan: Conservative and Traditionalist Dissent in Contemporary American Catholicism

Probably only one in a hundred girls who give birth clandestinely even knows that an edict of King Henry II, now fallen into desuetude, once made their action punishable by death.-- Nina Rattner Gelbart, The King's Midwife

Where specific restrictions on personal freedom and on communal activity had not explicitly been lifted they were allowed to fall into desuetude by default.-- David Vital, A People Apart: The Jews in Europe, 1789-1939

The exercise of rights which had practically passed into desuetude.-- John Richard Green, Short History of the English People
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Chuckle 1011

Chuckle 1011
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Jayne C of Florence OR!)

~Answers to Teachers' Questions ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

If you ask kids a question you better be ready for an answer.

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
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TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell crocodile?
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right.... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand?
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TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher. It's the same dog.
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher. ***

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(Try ordering one of these and see what you get!!
Word of the Day for Thursday April 13, 2006

salmagundi \sal-muh-GUHN-dee\, noun:1. A salad plate usually consisting of chopped meat, anchovies, eggs, and onions, served with oil and vinegar.2. Any mixture or assortment; a medley; a potpourri; a miscellany.

A glance at the schedule is enough to make one feel that one would rather go out and shoot songbirds than stay in and watch the dismal salmagundi of game shows, repeats and soap operas.-- Jane Shilling, "My brother and other animals", Daily Telegraph, August 22, 1998

What the BBC has the nerve to call Vanity Fair is a baffling salmagundi of Nineties accents, 1800s clothes, Wardour Street plotting, and a sort of language never spoken by any human being at any point in history.-- "Stop betraying the classics", Independent, November 4, 1998
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1010

Chuckle 1010
(Today's chuckle thanks go to GGBG of Florence OR!)

~Ex-Wife~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drink right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!” says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" ***
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~Wedding Anniversary Gift. ~ (2nd time around)

A husband was in BIG trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife told him, "Tomorrow there had BETTER be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for this Saturday. ***
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(Click Today in History and learn.)

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Word of the Day for Wednesday April 12, 2006

coeval \koh-EE-vuhl\, adjective:1. Of the same age; originating or existing during the same period of time -- usually followed by 'with'.
noun:1. One of the same age; a contemporary.

According to John Paul, this longing for transcendent truth is coeval with human existence: All men and women "shape a comprehensive vision and an answer to the question of life's meaning."-- "Culture, et cetera", Washington Times, October 6, 2000

Coeval with human speech and found among all peoples, poetry appeals to our sense of wonder, to our unending quest for answers to the timeless questions of who we are and why we are.-- Mark Mathabane, "A Poet Can Lead Us Toward Change", Newsday, January 20, 1993

Unhappily, however, the writers speak almost wholly to those who already regard Lewis as not just the coeval but the equal of T. S. Eliot, Joyce and Pound.-- Julian Symons, "Prophecy and Dishonor", New York Times, February 10, 1985

The 1,500 years of [Barcelona's] existence had produced only five names that came easily to mind: the cellist Pau Casals, the artist Joan Miró and his somewhat tarnished coeval Salvador Dali, both of whom were still very much alive, and the dead architect Antoni Gaudí.-- Nicholas Shrady, "Glorious in Its Very Stones", New York Times, March 15, 1992
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Chuckle 1009

Chuckle 1009
(Gary B of La Habra CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~The Cowboy's Horse~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home." ***

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Word of the Day for Tuesday April 11, 2006

panoply \PAN-uh-plee\, noun:1. A splendid or impressive array.2. Ceremonial attire.3. A full suit of armor; a complete defense or covering.

Every step taken to that end which appeases the obsolete hatreds and vanished oppressions, which makes easier the traffic and reciprocal services of Europe, which encourages nations to lay aside their precautionary panoply, is good in itself.-- Winston Churchill, quoted in This Blessed Plot, by Hugo Young

The beige plastic bedpan that had come home from the hospital with him after his deviated-septum operation . . . now held ail his razors and combs and the panoply of gleaming instruments he employed to trim the hair that grew from the various features of his face.-- Michael Chabon, Werewolves in Their Youth

To the east, out over the Ocean, the winter sky is a brilliant panoply of stars and comets, beckoning to adventurers, wise and foolish alike, who seek to divine its mysteries.-- Ben Green, Before His Time

Labor was hard pressed to hold the line against erosion of its hard-won social wage: the panoply of government-paid benefits such as unemployment insurance, workers' compensation, Medicare, and Social Security.-- Stanley Aronowitz, From the Ashes of the Old
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1008

Chuckle 1008
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Retha A of Richland OR!)
(Note; Maybe some one out there in email land can send me a
chuckle on raising daughters!!) ---Jerry---


~Raising a Male Child~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas, Things I've learned from my Boys honest, and no kidding!

1. A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. ft. house, 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with Roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words oh no!!! it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A 6-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock, even though a
36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.

11. Play Dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still cannot walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCRs do not eject sandwiches, even though TV commercials show that they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make los of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Those who pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without boys do it because:

a. For those with no children, this is totally hysterical!

b. For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

c. For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

d. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning! ***
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Word of the Day for Monday April 10, 2006

stripling \STRIP-ling\, noun:A youth in the state of adolescence, or just passing from boyhood to manhood; a lad.

But at that time he was too young to drive a car, and I wasn't, so I took it upon myself to tell the stripling a thing or two.-- Geoffrey Wolff, "Advice My Brother Never Took", New York Times, August 20, 1989

It is even possible that some . . . who might be thought to have a chance of election as Pope because of their youthful vigour -- by Vatican standards, a man of 60 is a stripling -- will see their chances come and go in turn.-- Andrew Medichini, "Cardinal secrets", Times (London), January 23, 2001

There are precious few constants in the story of the yen. For a start, it is a stripling among the monies of the world, being not much more than a century old.-- Pico Iyer, "Tacos in Kyoto, Kimonos in Peru", New York Times, April 28, 1991
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Chuckle 1007

Chuckle 1007
(George H of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~Mississippi Blonde~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Mississippi Blonde A very attractive blonde woman from Mississippi arrived in Las Vegas and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope y'all don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

Moral - Not all Mississippians are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men. ***

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Word of the Day for Sunday April 9, 2006

rusticate \RUHS-tih-kayt\, intransitive verb:1. To go into or reside in the country; to pursue a rustic life. transitive verb:1. To require or compel to reside in the country; to banish or send away temporarily.2. (Chiefly British). To suspend from school or college.3. To build with usually rough-surfaced masonry blocks having beveled or rebated edges producing pronounced joints.4. To lend a rustic character to; to cause to become rustic.

Ezra holds out in London, and refuses to rusticate.-- T. S. Eliot to Conrad Aiken, "21 August 1916", The Letters of T. S. Eliot: Volume I, 1898-1922 edited by Valerie Eliot

For the longest time, we're stuck in a cabin hewn out of the ground in a parcel of woods as the boys hide and mend; for another, we rusticate on a farm bounded by fields that must be tilled by the hard labor of man and beast.-- Stephen Hunter, "When Johnny Doesn't Come Marching Home", Washington Post, December 17, 1999

Czechoslovak Communists would imprison or rusticate those who had been active in the Prague Spring.-- Charles S. Maier, Dissolution
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1006

Chuckle 1006
(Sandy J of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Milk Bath~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath." The milkman asked, "Then do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my breasts I can splash it on my eyes." ***
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Sandy also sent this which makes one think:
If you can read this, you have a strange mind too. Can you raed tihs? So far 121 plepoe can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it. ***

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Word of the Day for Saturday April 8, 2006

bonhomie \bah-nuh-MEE\, noun:Good nature; pleasant and easy manner.

That bonhomie which won the hearts of all who knew him.-- Washington Irving, Oliver Goldsmith

And what of the salesman's fabled bonhomie, the Willy Lomanesque emphasis on the importance of being liked?-- "How to Manage Salespeople", Fortune, March 14, 1988

I would carefully study the exploits of positiverole models like Peter Gabriel, Jimmy Carter, and Alec Baldwin, andattempt to emulate their radiant bonhomie.-- Joe Queenan, My Goodness: A Cynic's Short-Lived Search for Sainthood
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Chuckle 1005

Chuckle 1005
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rich C of Yuma AZ!)

~Nine Months Ago~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow! He had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did...why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything." ***

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
Now keep that smile for the rest of the day!

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Word of the Day for Friday April 7, 2006

fustian \FUHS-chuhn\, noun:1. A kind of coarse twilled cotton or cotton and linen stuff, including corduroy, velveteen, etc.2. An inflated style of writing or speech; pompous or pretentious language.
adjective:1. Made of fustian.2. Pompous; ridiculously inflated; bombastic.

Don't squander the court's patience puffing your cheeks up on stately bombast and lofty fustian. Speak plainly!-- Richard Dooling, Brain Storm

His stated motive is to meet "the flood of cant, fustian and emotional nonsense which pollutes the intellectual atmosphere."-- Walter H. Waggoner, "Joseph W. Bishop Jr., Law Professor and Author", New York Times, May 21, 1985

It would take a stout heart to read through all the loyal effusions and fustian birthday odes of the 18th-century laureates -- Nahum Tate, Colley Cibber and the rest.-- John Gross, "In Search of a Laureate: Making Book on Britain's Next Official Poet", New York Times, July 15, 1984
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1004

Chuckle 1004
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Chet and Phyllis S of Pasadena CA!)
“You gotta love the words of babes!” --- C & P---


~Wise Observations for the Start of the Week~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

A number of primary schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the 'better' ones.

1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves to chargers. (Christopher age 7)

3. Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

4. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)

5. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

6. A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of it's head.
(Billy age 8)

7. My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)

8. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

9. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

10. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy shrink.
(Kevin age 6) ***


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Word of the Day for Thursday April 6, 2006

hobbledehoy \HOB-uhl-dee-hoy\, noun:An awkward, gawky young fellow.

For early on, girls become aware -- as much from their fathers' anguished bellows of "You're not going out dressed like that, Miss" as from the buffoonish reactions of the spotty hobbledehoys at the end-of-term disco -- of the power of clothes to seduce.-- Jane Shilling, "Soft-centred punk", Times (London), October 27, 2000

His memories, even only reveries, of incomparable women, made me feel like a hulking hobbledehoy.-- Edith Anderson, Love in Exile

Unfortunately, they have to contend with ignorant hobbledehoys who, on seeing these rows of shingle heaps, feel compelled to jump on them.-- Susan Campbell, "He grows seakale on the seashore", Daily Telegraph, March 27, 1999
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Chuckle 1003

Chuckle 1003
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Jayne C of Florence OR!)

~Two Scottish Nuns~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.

Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, “What part did you get?" ***


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(Click Today in History and learn.)

• Today in history

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Word of the Day for Wednesday April 5, 2006

cum \KUM; KUHM\, preposition:With; along with; combined with; -- often used in combination.

In 1999 he finished converting an old dairy into a sort of village -- a hip warren of apartments adjoining a restaurant and bar, some art galleries, some studios, and an "e-mat" (a laundromat-cum-cybercafé).-- Bill Donahue, "Byte, Byte, Against the Dying of the Light", The Atlantic, May 2001
Pretty soon, we're digging up the lunch, washing it off at a stand pipe and heading for the shed-cum-kitchen, where the two burners are quickly pressed into working overtime.-- Bob Granleese, "A bumper crop", The Guardian, September 14, 2002

The memorial service cum political rally for Senator Wellstone brought the sacred low.-- William J. Bennett, "A Party of Corruption?", National Review, November 4, 2002

Mark Humphrey, the rising star among interior designers, has created a highly-collectable dual-function, chrome and walnut candlestick-cum-rose vase.-- Nick Pandya, "Making Christmas a one-off", The Guardian, November 2, 2002
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Find the 6 differences, answers below.