Chuckle 1089

Chuckle 1088
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Bev L of Florence OR!)

~Proper Procedure~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised!"

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 -- You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great!"

Pause: Static.............

Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"

Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911!"

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!"

Dallas ATC: Well bless your hearts! Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- ya hear?" ***


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Word of the Day for Friday June 30, 2006

aficionado \uh-fish-ee-uh-NAH-doh\, noun:An enthusiastic admirer; a fan.

An aficionado of Chinese food, Diffie was also known for carrying around a pair of elegant chopsticks, much the way a serious billiard player totes his favorite cue.-- Steven Levy, Crypto

Aficionados of spy fiction may find the plot by itself enough to keep them reading -- the book is certainly never boring.-- Erik Tarloff, "Hanky Versus Panky", New York Times, July 16, 2000
For one thing, they listened to classical records together; Sagan was a real aficionado of the musical masters.-- Keay Davidson, Carl Sagan: A Life
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Chuckle 1087

Chuckle 1087
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Canadian Health Care~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Two patients limp into two Canadian Medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The second sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for
6 months from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The first is a Golden Retriever.....

The second is a Senior Citizen.

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Word of the Day for Thursday June 29, 2006

timorous \TIM-uhr-uhs\, adjective:1. Full of apprehensiveness; timid; fearful.2. Indicating, or caused by, fear.

Girls, allegedly so timorous and lacking in confidence, now outnumber boys in student government, in honor societies, on school newspapers, and even in debating clubs.-- Christina Hoff Sommers, The War Against Boys

Some men by the unalterable frame of their constitutions, are stout, others timorous, some confident, others modest.-- John Locke, Some Thoughts Concerning Education

The way we are living,timorous or bold,will have been our life.-- Seamus Heaney, "Elegy"
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1086

Chuckle 1086
(Jayne C of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Desperate for Water~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.

"The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom.

Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back.

"Your brother won't let me in without a tie." ***


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Word of the Day for Wednesday June 28, 2006

venal \VEE-nuhl\, adjective:1. Capable of being bought or obtained for money or other valuable consideration; held for sale; salable; purchasable.2. Capable of being corrupted.3. Marked by or associated with bribery and corrupt dealings.

Not everything was so venal in this operation, however. Sometimes votes were bought outright, but this was frowned on if the sums were too high.-- Kenneth R. Johnston, The Hidden Wordsworth

The news items accumulate to project an image of French politics as venal, power-mongering, and posing a crazy threat to all those values of humanity and civilization that Picasso's work had always embraced.-- Rosalind E. Krauss, The Picasso Papers

While the enemy in Vietnam was mysterious and, to some Americans, heroic, America's allies in Saigon seemed venal and corrupt, more interested in graft than in combat and unable to rally their people behind a common cause or to create an effective military force.-- Charles E. Neu, After Vietnam

Magistrates were expected to supplement their modest incomes, in theory from personal fortunes, in reality from a variety of venal practices.-- Michelle De Kretser, The Rose Grower
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Chuckle 1085

Chuckle 1085
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Sheila M of Rough and Ready CA
and Joyce K in Queen Creek AZ!)
(Note to Joyce K and Sheila M: Let us all know where Queen Creek is and I’m sure that a lot of our chuckle circle would like to know the location of Rough and Ready!)

~Wireless Security System~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

How to install a wireless security system:

Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots ... a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it ... a really big dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like this: "Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 30 minutes. Don't disturb the pit bulls, they've just been wormed." ***

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Word of the Day for Tuesday June 27, 2006

copious \KOH-pee-uhs\, adjective:1. Affording an abundant supply; plentifully furnished; lavish.2. Large in quantity; plentiful, profuse; abundant.3. Full of information or matter.

Here once again was evidence that, as Pope wrote of Homer, Armstrong's art "is like a copious nursery which contains the seeds and first productions of every kind, out of which those who followed him have but selected some particular plants."-- Gary Giddins, Visions of Jazz

She thought about the planets all day and wrote copious odes to them.-- Paul West, Life With Swan

When the British Secret Intelligence Service (SIS) exfiltrated the defector and his family from Russia in 1992, it also brought out six cases containing the copious notes he had taken almost daily for twelve years, before his retirement in 1984, on top secret KGB files going as far back as 1918.-- Christopher Andrew and Vasili Mitrokhin, The Sword and the Shield

A sign of his ambivalence towards his mother is evident in his almost complete failure to mention her in his copious journals.-- Peter Martin, A Life of James Boswell
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1084

Chuckle 1084
(Charles M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Mechanic~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question? The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic..

"Try doing it with the engine running!” ***

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Word of the Day for Monday June 26, 2006

autocrat \AW-tuh-krat\, noun:An absolute monarch who rules with unlimited authority; by extension, any person with undisputed authority in a relationship or situation.

Octavian -- a bloodthirsty ideologue in the civil wars -- was by then well on his way to reinventing himself as Rome's benevolent autocrat, its first (and almost only) 'good' Emperor, Augustus.-- Mary Beard, "Cleopatra: from history to myth", The Guardian, March 18, 2003

The Russian noble is alike a serf to his autocrat, and an autocrat to his serf.-- Herbert Spencer, Social Statics

Mistler became the agency's autocrat, and he continued as such not because of his large number of shares in the company but because . . . he was, by a long shot, better and tougher than anyone else there.-- Louis Begley, Mistler's Exit

Mr Messier has been accused of being an autocrat and Mr Arnault was said to have quit because he felt frustrated about not being consulted on crucial decisions.-- David Teather, "Messier could go in days", The Guardian, July 1, 2002
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Chuckle 1083

Chuckle 1083
(Today's chuckle thanks go to George H of Florence OR!)



~Twenty Dollars~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.


Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut. ***

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Word of the Day for Sunday June 25, 2006

sedulous \SEJ-uh-luhs\, adjective:1. Diligent in application or pursuit; steadily industrious.2. Characterized by or accomplished with care and perseverance.

He did not attain this distinction by accident but by sedulous study from the cradle forward.-- Alexander Cockburn and Jeffrey St. Clair, Al Gore: A User's Manual

This writing is clearly the product of sedulous art, but it has the flame of spontaneity and the grit of independence both as to mode and spirit.-- "The Wonder and Wackiness of Man", New York Times, January 17, 1954

And so he reminded the legion that, even though his veneration of his country's flag may not have inhibited sedulous avoidance of the inconveniences of serving under it, he is a patriot so wholehearted that he signed the Arkansas law that forbids flag-burning.-- Murray Kempton, "Signs of Defeat In the Wind", Newsday, August 30, 1992
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1082

Chuckle 1082
(Dick L of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)
(FEMA Genie)

~Crawling Cowboy~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an FEMA ID badge and a dull grey dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story:

If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached. ***

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Word of the Day for Saturday June 24, 2006

Brobdingnagian \brob-ding-NAG-ee-uhn\, adjective:Of extraordinary size; gigantic; enormous.

The venture capital business has a size problem. A monstrous, staggering, stupefying one. Brobdingnagian even.-- Russ Mitchell, "Too Much Ventured Nothing Gained", Fortune, November 11, 2002

Any savvy dealer . . . will try to talk you up to one of the latest behemoths, which have bloated to such Brobdingnagian dimensions as to have entered the realm of the absurd.-- Jack Hitt, "The Hidden Life of SUVs", Mother Jones, July/August 1999
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Chuckle 1081

Chuckle 1081
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Dean O of Florence OR!)

(2006 Dodge police car.)



~Only In San Diego~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

San Diego: A Highway Patrolman pulls over a car and tells the driver that, because he was wearing his seat belt, he has just won $5,000 - sponsored by a statewide safety campaign.

"Do you mind if I ask you what you're planning to do with the money, Sir?" asks the patrolman.

"Well, I guess I’m going to get a driver's license." he answered.

"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled the woman in the passenger seat. "He's such a smart-aleck when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back seat - who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice (in Spanish) said, "Are we over the border yet?"


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Word of the Day for Friday June 23, 2006

littoral \LIH-tuh-rul\, adjective:1. Of, relating to, or on a coastal or shore region, especially a seashore.
noun:1. A coastal region, especially the zone between the limits of high and low tides.

Professor Henslow tells me, he believes that nearly all the plants which I brought from these islands, are common littoral species in the East Indian archipelago.-- Charles Darwin, The Voyage of the Beagle

A country that is landlocked or has few neighbors will be more vulnerable than one that is littoral or extensive.-- Franklin L. Lavin,, "Asphyxiation or Oxygen? The Sanctions Dilemma", Foreign Policy, September-October 1996

Like 49ers staking claims in California, the five littoral nations have asserted overlapping territorial claims in the Caspian itself.-- Richard Stone, "Caspian Ecology Teeters On the Brink", Science, January 18, 2002

As the Portuguese moved south along the Upper Guinea Coast along the littoral of Sierra Leone, a region known as the Windward Coast, they entered another major area of rice cultivation.-- Judith A. Carney, Black Rice: The African Origins of Rice Cultivation in the Americas
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1080

Chuckle 1080
(Jayne C of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Retirees~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

Retirees: The Whole Truth, Nothing But...

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: Seven, of course - 6 Saturdays, and 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Share this one with all the retirees that you know. I'm sure they
can relate to some of them!
AND, If you have not yet retired, look what you have to look forward to.... ***

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Word of the Day for Thursday June 22, 2006

sobriquet \SO-brih-kay; -ket; so-brih-KAY; -KET\, noun:A nickname; an assumed name; an epithet.

In addition to his notorious amours, he became distinguished for a turbulent naval career, particularly for the storms he weathered, thus bringing him the sobriquet "Foulweather Jack".-- Phyllis Grosskurth, Byron: The Flawed Angel

At a small reception on the occasion of my twenty-fifth anniversary in this position, my good friend Izzy Landes raised a glass and dubbed me the Curator of the Curators, a sobriquet I have worn with pride ever since.-- Alfred Alcorn, Murder in the Museum of Man

There was an omnivorous intellect that won him the family sobriquet of Walking Encyclopedia.-- Eric Liu, The Accidental Asian
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Chuckle 1079

Chuckle 1079
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rich W of Scotts Valley CA!)


~Straggly Cat~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She
was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and
hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier
and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat."

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would
let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the
complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don’t see eye to eye. He calls my husband “El-Cheap-O,” my husband calls him “El-Take-O." They love to hate each other and constantly “snipe" at each other, with my husband getting in the last word on this occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who
is located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see him. A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said,
"Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved and she now
smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant.
God knows who the father is!" And he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even. ***

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Word of the Day for Wednesday June 21, 2006
languor \LANG-guhr; LANG-uhr\, noun:1. Mental or physical weariness or fatigue.2. Listless indolence, especially the indolence of one who is satiated by a life of luxury or pleasure.3. A heaviness or oppressive stillness of the air.

Without health life is not life, wrote Rabelais, "life is not livable. . . . Without health life is nothing but languor."-- Joseph Epstein, Narcissus Leaves the Pool

Charles's court exuded a congenial hedonism. It was exuberant and intemperate, given to both languor and excess.-- John Brewer, The Pleasures of the Imagination

Outside the window, New Orleans . . brooded in a faintly tarnished languor, like an aging yet still beautiful courtesan in a smokefilled room, avid yet weary too of ardent ways.-- Thomas S. Hines, William Faulkner and the Tangible Past

Sleep and dreams would swallow up the languor of daytime.-- Patrick Chamoiseau, School Days (translated by Linda Coverdale)
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1078

Chuckle 1078
(Carrie M of Sacramento CA and Rene M of Rancho Cordova CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~A Woman’s Poem~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.


I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.


I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his MOMMA used to do. ***
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Word of the Day for Tuesday June 20, 2006
clemency \KLEM-uhn-see\, noun:1. Disposition to forgive and spare, as offenders; mercy.2. An act or instance of mercy or leniency.3. Mildness, especially of weather.

He put in a strong plea for clemency, begging the king to spare the alchemist's life.-- Janet Gleeson, The Arcanum: The Extraordinary True Story

The commission . . . hinted that many of those on death row in Illinois deserved clemency.-- Jodi Wilgoren, "Can use of the penalty be cut back? Illinois study fuels debate", International Herald Tribune, April 17, 2002
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Chuckle 1077

Chuckle 1077
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Phyllis S of Pasadena CA!)

~Funny Quotes~ Part Two
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. - Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. - Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires - Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up. - Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. - Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - WC. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller ***
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Word of the Day for Monday June 19, 2006
ephemeron \ih-FEM-uh-ron\, noun;plural ephemera \ih-FEM-uh-ruh\:1. Something short-lived or of no lasting significance.2. ephemera: Items, especially printed matter (as posters, broadsides, pamphlets, etc.), intended to be of use or importance for only a short time but preserved by collectors.

And collections of correspondence will always reveal "a remarkable mind, grappling with everything from the ephemera of day-to-day life to the mysteries of the universe."-- John Bloom, "The 'Art' of the Review", National Review, May 21, 2002

The Sanskrit word for the world is jagati, while the word for changing or evanescent is jagat: the world's evanescent nature is actually built into the very definition of "world." Yet behind this shimmering ephemeron lies the deeper, sacred reality -- Brahman, the infinite, transcendent reality that covers and pervades all things.-- Pravrajika Vrajaprana, "Contemporary Spirituality and the Thinning of the Sacred: A Hindu Perspective", Cross Currents, Spring-Summer 2000

It is one of the most collectable of all cult shows, with an army of fans hungry for a plethora of Star Trek ephemera.-- Nick Pandya, "To boldly go where others don't", The Guardian, March 23, 2002
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1076

Chuckle 1076
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Phyllis S of Pasadena CA!)


~Funny Quotes~ Part One
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, “Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." - Lillian Carter (mother of President Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce. - Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. - Jilly Cooper
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Word of the Day for Sunday June 18, 2006
transmogrify \trans-MOG-ruh-fy\, transitive verb:To change into a different shape or to transform, often with bizarre or humorous effect.

A washing machine transmogrified into a guitar.-- Adrian Searle, "Come, friendly pigeons", The Guardian, March 16, 2000

For the impulsive sin of turning to look back at the funereal pyre of Sodom and Gomorrah, Lot's wife is transmogrified into a pillar of salt as she flees the inferno.-- Elizabeth Wurtzel, Bitch: In Praise of Difficult Women

Roast chicken is still roast chicken whether you label it haute cuisine, bourgeois cuisine or country cooking; even calling it "poulet roti" will not transmogrify this simple bird.-- Jacques Pepin, "The Chicken Dinner, Both Humble and Noble", New York Times, January 4, 1989

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Chuckle 1075

Chuckle 1075
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Bev L of Florence OR!)

~Misbehaving~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

I warn you with a smile to carefully consider passing this along. We might get some rumors started (again smiles!!)

God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When she returned, she told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."

So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned she went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said? ... ***

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• Today in history
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Word of the Day for Saturday June 17, 2006

gravid \GRAV-id\, adjective:Being with child; heavy with young or eggs; pregnant.

For the moment the Cap'n Toby lies at rest outside the harbor, and the twelve-inch mackerels that Brian and I are cutting up for lobster bait are ripe, their bellies gravid with either blood-red roe or milt the color of sailors' bones.-- Richard Adams Carey, Against the Tide

In North America, in contrast, the British conquered an empire; New France disappeared from history. But -- Anderson's profound theme -- Britain's triumph was gravid with defeat.-- Jack Beatty, "Defeat in Victory", The Atlantic, December 2000

She is a bored society matron who seduces him before a carload gravid with already weary, now grossed-out morning commuters.-- Rita Kempley, review of The Adjuster (MGM/UA Studios movie), Washington Post, June 29, 1992
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1074

Chuckle 1074
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Tarot Cards~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

In the dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news; "There is no easy way to tell you this so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a quick, violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the Tarot cards, the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her trembling hands. She took a few deep breaths to try to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:

"Will I get away with it? ***

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~Maintaining A Distance Of 5 Paces Behind!!!~ (2nd time around)
Barbara Walters of 20/20 (USA-ABC Television) did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walkbehind their husbands. From Ms. Walters’s vantage point, despite theoverthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?" The woman looked Ms. Walters’s straight in the eyes and without hesitation, said "Land mines." ***

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Word of the Day for Friday June 16, 2006
salad days \salad days\, noun:A time of youthful inexperience, innocence, or indiscretion.

Those were his salad days, and he thought they might last forever.-- David Gergen, "They Love You. Watch Out", New York Times, February 2, 1997

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Chuckle 1073

Chuckle 1073
(Joyce in Queen Creek AZ and Sheila M of Rough and Ready CA get today's chuckle thanks!)


~Hillbilly Mirror~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

After living in the remote wilderness of Tennessee all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city of Knoxville. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him,” How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every moorning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.

One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly witch he’s runnin' around with." ***

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Word of the Day for Thursday June 15, 2006

juxtaposition \juhk-stuh-puh-ZISH-uhn\, noun:The act or an instance of placing in nearness or side by side.

I had sent from Egypt two Coptic sculptures from the fifth and sixth centuries and placed them in juxtaposition with a contemporary stone mask from Zimbabwe, with striking effect.-- Boutros Boutros-Ghali, Unvanquished: A U.S.-U.N. Saga

This aesthetically pleasing juxtaposition of contradictions is one of the hallmarks of poetry.-- Ann Marlowe, "Hyphenated Life", New York Times, October 15, 2000

One of the things that made the diary so poignant . . . is the awful juxtaposition of the ordinary and the horrific, the mundane and the unimaginable.-- Michiko Kakutani, "When a Spirited Teen-Ager Faced the Unimaginable", New York Times, September 29, 1998

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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1072

Chuckle 1072
(Charles Moore of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Herman is Missing~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, an Ozark Mountain hillbilly, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years. ***

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This chuckle has been around for awhile but some of you may
not have seen it yet. (I know of 6 people who sent it to me!)

~Here's an Idea~

WHY CAN'T THE DUMB POLITICIANS COME UP WITH SOLUTIONS LIKE THIS?

A win win win situation.

Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border, use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans and put the Florida alligators into the moat.

Any other problems you would like me to solve? ***

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(Click Today in History and learn.)

• Today in history

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Word of the Day for Wednesday June 14, 2006

choleric \KOL-uh-rik; kuh-LAIR-ik\, adjective:1. Easily irritated; inclined to anger; bad-tempered.2. Angry; indicating or expressing anger; excited by anger.

At his trial, Ferrars argued that he had always been of such choleric disposition that, at times when his blood was up, he knew not right from wrong.-- Theodore Dalrymple, "Rages of the Age: On 'road rage,' 'air rage,' 'rink rage' . . .", National Review, February 11, 2002

But the records of his service show that Jacobsz was also choleric, quick-tempered, and sensitive to any slight; that he sometimes drank to excess.-- Mike Dash, Batavia's Graveyard

The expression in his face -- pinched, vengeful, and mean -- could assign to a choleric temperament or a display of tactical emotion on the part of a clever bully.-- Lewis H. Lapham, "Notebook", Harper's Magazine, February 2001

A portrait of Dalrymple in middle age shows him to be of corpulent figure with petulant lips, beefy face, and choleric eyes that glare accusingly at the viewer.-- Alan Gurney, Below the Convergence
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Chuckle 1071

Chuckle 1071
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Jayne C of Florence OR!)

~Bubba, Junior and a Blonde~ (2nd time around)

(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blond lady walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blond? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length. Bubba and Junior are currently doing government work supervising the reconstruction of New Orleans Levees. ***

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Word of the Day for Tuesday June 13, 2006

practicable \PRAK-tik-uh-buhl\, adjective:1. Capable of being done, accomplished, or put into practice; feasible; as, "a practicable method; a practicable aim."2. Capable of being used; usable.

The authors give easy-to-follow instructions on coping with a whole ham leg, and so many ways to cook with it that the project even seems practicable.-- Corby Kummer, "Ham & Beans to the Rescue", The Atlantic, February 16, 2000

It was considered best to baptise the child on the same day as its birth, if such haste were practicable, since an infant unbaptised would be consigned to limbo after its death.-- Peter Ackroyd, The Life of Thomas More

Contemporary wireless sets, dependent on sources of energy too large and heavy to be useful militarily outside warships, were not practicable tools of command in the field.-- John Keegan, The First World War
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1070

Chuckle 1070
(Carrie M and Lai S of Sacramento CA get today's chuckle thanks!)

~New Virus Warning~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest bar. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Eliminator-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. ***

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Word of the Day for Monday June 12, 2006
billingsgate \BIL-ingz-gayt; -git\, noun:Coarsely abusive, foul, or profane language.

Chaney would yell at him in his own particular patois -- an unapologetic stream of billingsgate far more creative than Marine drill instructors or master rappers.-- George Vecsey, "Learning at Temple: Se Habla Chaneyism", New York Times, March 19, 2000

Its style is an almost pure Army billingsgate that will offend many readers, although in no sense is it exaggerated: Mr. Mailer's soldiers are real persons, speaking the vernacular of human bitterness and agony.-- David Dempsey, "The Dusty Answer of Modern War", New York Times, May 9, 1948

The campaigns of the two Roosevelts were colorful and gave the press plenty of material but, generally speaking, deft humor seems to have replaced outright billingsgate.-- George E. Reedy, "When Vilification Was in Flower", New York Times, July 15, 1984

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Chuckle 1069

Chuckle 1069
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Kay P of Florence OR!)


~Inner Peace ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.

By following the simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished". So I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished.

Before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of merlot, a bottle of white zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freakin' good I feel!

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Word of the Day for Sunday June 11, 2006

emolument \ih-MOL-yuh-muhnt\, noun:The wages or perquisites arising from office, employment, or labor; gain; compensation.

The record indicates that few grandees who pleaded poverty to avoid service were left without substantial maintenance grants and emoluments and that the Crown gladly financed their luxurious military lifestyles.-- Fernando Gonzales de Leon, "Aristocratic draft-dodgers in 17th-century Spain", History Today, 7/1

Although not very rich, he is easy in his circumstances and would not with a view to emolument alone wish for employment.-- Henry Dundas, quoted in The Elgin Affair, by Theodore Vrettos

And they are not obliged to follow those occupations, if they prefer leisure to emolument.-- John Stuart Mill, On Liberty

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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1068

Chuckle 1068
(Phyllis Hanson of Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Seniors Having Babies ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

Just in case any of you were contemplating having another baby.

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the > baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded to know why.

"Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"

"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put him." ***
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(Click Today in History and learn.)

• Today in history

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Word of the Day for Saturday June 10, 2006

gainsay \gayn-SAY; GAYN-say\, transitive verb:1. To deny or dispute; to declare false or invalid.2. To oppose; to contradict.

In our present, imperfectly postmodern world, where most information still takes the potentially embarrassing form of printed matter lurking in archives, liars still must position themselves so that the historical record may not easily gainsay them.-- Thomas M. Disch, The Dreams Our Stuff Is Made Of

But, owing to government's cynical policy of inaction, suppression and hoping the problem would go away, there was nothing to gainsay it either.-- Mary Riddell, "I don't mind about midsummer madness, but I'd rather not have it in my fridge or purring on the sofa", New Statesman, July 26, 1996

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Chuckle 1067

Chuckle 1067
(Rich W of Scott Valley CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Irish Humor~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! So did I!! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it; I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight!!!!"

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again." ***


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• Today in history

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Word of the Day for Friday June 9, 2006

discrete \dis-KREET\, adjective:1. Constituting a separate thing; distinct.2. Consisting of distinct or unconnected parts.3. (Mathematics) Defined for a finite or countable set of values; not continuous.

Niels Bohr, working with Rutherford in 1912, was intensely aware... of the need for a radically new approach. This he found in quantum theory, which postulated that electromagnetic energy -- light, radiation -- was not continuous but emitted or absorbed in discrete packets, or "quanta."-- Oliver Sacks, "Everything in Its Place", New York Times Magazine, April 18, 1999

Llinas compared these studies to phrenology, the eighteenth-century pseudoscience that divided the brain into discrete chunks dedicated to specific functions.-- John Horgan, The Undiscovered Mind

In contemporary usage, continents are understood to be large, continuous, discrete masses of land, ideally separated by expanses of water.-- Martin W. Lewis and Karen E. Wigen, The Myth of Continents

High culture is less a set of discrete works of art than a phenomenon shaped by circles of conversation and criticism formed by its creators, distributors and consumers.-- John Brewer, The Pleasures of the Imagination

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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1066

Chuckle 1066
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Sunny Mary of Los Osos CA!)


~Bear’s Revenge~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi are conversing over coffee.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all back together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. When I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. However, the bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary, Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "Brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. I began to READ to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! That bear wanted NOTHING to do with me! I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. I quick-DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. You know what, Glory to God hallelujah; he came up out of the water growling in tongues! We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start." ***

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Word of the Day for Thursday June 8, 2006
arbiter \AR-buh-tuhr\, noun:1. A person appointed or chosen to judge or decide a dispute.2. Any person who has the power of judging and determining.

There was no shortage of such socially knowing, good-natured, and adaptable folk among the charter members of the Institute, especially in its department of literature, where a sizable number were not really literary practitioners but instead high-quality magazine editors, professors, and other well-settled arbiters of taste.-- John Updike (Editor), A Century of Arts & Letters

Justin had a way of making people want to do things for him; of all the kids he had made himself the arbiter of cool.-- Rebecca Chace, Capture the Flag

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Chuckle 1065

Chuckle 1065
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Cross-Examination~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win. ***

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Word of the Day for Wednesday June 7, 2006
paucity \PAW-suh-tee\, noun:1. Fewness; smallness of number; scarcity.2. Smallness of quantity; insufficiency.

The relative paucity of documents from this period may help to explain why no mention of David was found for such a long time.-- Steven L. McKenzie, King David: A Biography

Just three bishops? was a regular observation made on the paucity of episcopal presence at the new dean's installation.-- "Swiftian bite in Dean's sermon sets an agenda", Irish Times, September 13, 1999

When he came to undertake analysis in adulthood, the paucity of these early memories caused his therapist to wonder whether some painful memories were being repressed.-- Meryle Secrest, Stephen Sondheim: A Life

From paucity of evidence, we are unable to measure them with precision.-- Henry Thomas Buckle, History of Civilization in England
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1064

Chuckle 1064
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Sandy J of Florence OR!)

~Blonde Cookbook~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this Recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

SUNDAY: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.

This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose. ***


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Word of the Day for Tuesday June 6, 2006
bravura \bruh-VYUR-uh; brah-; -VUR-\, noun:1. A florid, brilliant style of music that emphasizes the technical force and skill of a performer; virtuoso music.2. A showy or brilliant display.

But it was not just the bravura of his self-expression that gave him such a hold on his contemporaries.-- Peter Ackroyd, "Oscar Wilde: Comedy as Tragedy,", New York Times, November 1, 1987

The straightforward narrative account is set down with old-fashioned punctilio in prose of classic distinction, singularly free of bravura, and marked by the hard clarity of outline that is one of Waugh's several manners.-- Charles A. Brady, "Figure of Grace", New York Times, January 24, 1960

With his customary display of dramatic bravura, Sir Alan Ayckbourn is giving us twin comedies about a village fete and staging them simultaneously in each of the National's big, adjacent auditoriums.-- Benedict Nightingale, "Witches of Updike Flying to London", New York Times, March 12, 2000

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Chuckle 1063

Chuckle 1063
(Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)



~Church Bulletins~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

2. The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the Water." The sermon tonight:” Searching for Jesus."

3. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

4. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

5. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

6. Don't let worry kill you off.... let the Church help.

7. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

8. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

9. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

10. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth into Joy." ***

Note; There are 15 more of these. If you want me to send them to you let me know. ---Jerry---

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(Click Today in History and learn.)

• Today in history

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Word of the Day for Monday June 5, 2006
contumely \kon-TYOO-muh-lee; -TOO-; KON-tyoo-mee-lee; -too-; KON-tum-lee\, noun:1. Rudeness or rough treatment arising from haughtiness and contempt; scornful insolence.2. An instance of contemptuousness in act or speech.

Nothing aggravates tyranny so much as contumely.-- Edmund Burke
The pedlars find satisfaction for all contumelies in making good bargains.-- Nathaniel Hawthorne, The American Notebooks

Following years of police harassment and public contumely, he was arrested and charged with high treason, espionage and "anti-Soviet activity."-- "Know Thyself, Free Thyself", New York Times, June 5, 1988

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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)