Chucke 1530

Since I've entered a bowling tournament out of town this weekend there will
be no daily chuckles until Monday. Sorry about that! I realize that some of you will be devastated by this news so please try and control your anguish! Mr Chuckles.

Chuckle 1530
(Jayne C of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Is Dementia Setting In? ~


Your Yearly Dementia Test; It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?













Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.


2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?











Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.


3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?










Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why the hell are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on to Question 4. Misleading question! A green house is one thing and a greenhouse is entirely different. No, I didn't miss this question or the sneaky way they tried to mislead us.



4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany , or no man's land"?

















Answer: You don't bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.



5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on .In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?











Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions. ***
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10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"

--Richard Jeni


11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."

--Johnny Carson


12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."

--Paul Rodriguez

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"Have a nice day!"

Chucke 1529

Chuckle 1529
(Carrie M of Sacramento CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Much Needed Tool for Women~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

***
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7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

--Paula Poundstone


8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."

--Conan O'Brien


9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God ... I could be eating a slow learner."

--Lynda Montgomery
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chucke 1528

Chuckle 1528
(Today's chuckle thanks go to George H of Florence OR!)

~Scam Warning~

~ Watch Out For This Scam. ~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

This is why ducks must die!!!!!!!!

Watch out for this scam. There is a slick routine aimed at stealing from unwary persons. They say that the gang usually comprises three or four members. While the three younger ones, all appearing to be cute and innocent, divert their'mark' (or intended target) with a show of friendliness and fun, the fourth - the eldest of this gang of criminals- sneaks in from behind the person's back to expertly rifle undetected through pockets and bags for any valuables being carried.

The attached picture taken from CTV operating in the inner city shows the Gang in operation. See below.

***
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4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."

--Jeff Foxworthy


5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."

--Dave Barry

6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

--Bob Ettinger

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"Have a nice day!"

Chucke 1527

Chuckle 1527
(Rich C of Yuma AZ gets today's chuckle thanks!)

"The Redhead" (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? " "No," she replies "you just happened to catch my eye." ***
(Oh shut up, and just forward it!)

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1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

--Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

--Drew Carey
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chucke 1526

Chuckle 1526
(Pat M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Drivers License~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly," I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

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Chucke 1525

Chuckle 1525
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Court Decision~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out. ***

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Chucke 1524

Chuckle 1524
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Retha A of Richland OR!)


~They Walk Among Us! ~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

They Walk Among Us!

====================================================

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

They Walk Among Us!

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My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

They Walk Among Us! ***

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Chucke 1523

Chuckle 1523

(Lora S of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~New Seat Belt~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

New Seat Belt Lawbecomes effective January 15, 2007New Seat Belt LAW
The national Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt.
Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 45% when the belt is properly installed. Correct installation is illustrated below.......

This is very Important, please pass on to friends and family.
THIS MAY SAVE A LIFE!
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Chucke 1522

Chuckle 1522
(Rich W of Paso Robles CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Beating the System~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A Florida couple, both well into their 80's, goes to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50, and he says good-bye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment; they have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?" The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare. ***

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Chucke 1521

Chuckle 1521
(Pam S of Roseville CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~The Nun ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

One summer day, a nun who was living in a convent next to a Brooklyn construction site, noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch outside and sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "Do you men know Jesus Christ?" They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers yelled down a "Yea, why"? The worker yelled back, "Tell him his wife's here with his lunch." ***

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Chuckle 1520

Chuckle 1520
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Dean O of Florence OR!)

~Rye Bread ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park Bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery.

As he was looking around, the clerk asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

The clerk said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He replied, "I want 5 loaves. She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this but me." ***


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Chucke 1519

Chuckle 1519
(Bev L of Florence gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Doctor Diagnosis~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

***
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Chucke 1518

Chuckle 1518
(Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Highway Patrol Sense of Humor~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

In most of the United States, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop down to single digits or below. About 3 AM, one very cold morning, Trooper Allan Nixon (Oklahoma Highway Patrol) Responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Shattuck, OK. He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the Trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him. The driver came awake when the Trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the State Trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into 'drive' and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning. Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding, but still stationary car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the Trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, and then the Trooper yelled at the man to 'Pull over!' The man obeyed, turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Needless to say, the man from Dumas, Texas was arrested, and is probably still shaking his head over the State Trooper in Oklahoma who could run 50 miles per hour. Who says Troopers don't have a sense of humor?
***
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Chuckle 1517

Chuckle 1517
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Nadine of Carpinteria CA!)


~How to Tell If Your Feet Smell~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

First get a cat and let him do the testing!


***
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Chucke 1516

Chuckle 1516
(Marlene W of Florence gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Nuns and Beer~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem.

She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier had a surprised look so the nun said, "This is for washing our hair."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer saying, "Here, don't forget the curlers." ***


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Chucke 1515

Chuckle 1515

(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~SPAGHETTI ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.) A wealthy Italian man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said that he would pay her a large sum of money, if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his very confused wife. "Honey," she said. "You received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. Send bread!" ***

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Chucke 1514

Chuckle 1514
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Charles M of Bradenton FL!)


~Chores ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, His mother asks him if he has done his chores.

"Not yet," says the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed because he's so hungry. He goes to feed the chickens, and kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the pigs and kicks a pig.

He goes to feed the cows and kicks a cow. He goes back in for breakfast, and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, How come I don't have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick a pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week, and I saw you kick a cow, so you don't get any milk for a week.

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "Are you going to tell him or should I?" ***

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Dean O of Florence OR gets our thanks for these children's quotes!
~What does Love mean? ~

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.
See what you think:

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
Cindy - age 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody, you don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6

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Chucke 1513

Chuckle 1513
(Jayne C of Florence gets today's chuckle thanks!)

This is another can you read this from Jayne. (Really Jayne you just have to learn how to spell a little better!) ---Mr. Chuckles---

~I Can Read It! Can You? ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.

ONLY ORWARD IF YOU CAN READ THIS! ***

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Dean O of Florence OR gets our thanks for these children's quotes!
~What does Love mean? ~

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.
See what you think:

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate," Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, and then he wears it everyday." Noelle - age 7
________________________________________________________

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Chucke 1512

Chuckle 1512
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Lora S of Florence OR!)


~Old Don~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

An old Italian Mafia "Don" is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.

"Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you always remember me."

"But, Grandpa, I really don't like guns. Howz about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"Shuddup an'a lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business. You gonna have a beautifula wife, lots money, a bigga home and maybe a couple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find your wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then... pointa to you watch and say, "Times up?" ***



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Dean O of Florence OR gets our thanks for these children's quotes!
~What does Love mean? ~

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.
See what you think:

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing,
you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that, they look gross when they kiss" Emily - age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen" Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

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Have a nice day!"

Chucke 1511

Chuckle 1511
(Charles M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~The Italian Tomato Garden ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter too his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me. Love, Dad


A few days later he received a letter from his son:


Dear Dad,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you, Vinnie ***




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. Today in history
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(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
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Dean O of Florence OR gets our thanks for these children's quotes!
~What does Love mean? ~

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.
See what you think:

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chucke 1510

Chuckle 1510
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Phyllis S of Pasadena CA!)


~25 Years of Marriage! ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

After being married for 25 years, i took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal.

Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crises! ***

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(Click Today in History and learn.)
. Today in history
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(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
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Dean O of Florence OR gets our thanks for these children's quotes!
~What does Love mean? ~

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.
See what you think:

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6
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"Have a nice day!"

Chucke 1509

Chuckle 1509
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Wee Bite~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss ye look like a bonnie lass, would you let me bite your Breasts for $100?

"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", says the Scotsman... "Costs too much..." ***


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(Click Today in History and learn.)
. Today in history
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(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
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Dean O of Florence OR gets our thanks for these children's quotes!
~What does Love mean? ~

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca- age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chucke 1508

Chuckle 1508
(George H of Florence gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Corvette Convertible~ (2nd time around)

(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)


An Oregon senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-5, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Oregon State Trooper behind him, red and blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Oregon State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.


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Thanks go to Pat M of Florence OR for: "LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER"

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
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Have a nice day!!

Chucke 1507

Chuckle 1507
(Nadine of Carpinteria CA and Carrie M of Sacramento CA share today's chuckle thanks!)


~iPod Update~ (From Nadine)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)


Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them. ***
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(From Carrie M)



~New Retirement Plan~

If, you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above mathematical statistics, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan. ***

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(Word for the Day)
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Thanks go to Pat M of Florence OR for: "LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER"

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)