Chuckle 2426

Chuckle 2426
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~The Other Stall~ (2nd time around)(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the restroom, I stopped at a rest area and headed to the restroom.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me, But I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"??

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation... I tell them "No. I’m a little busy right now!!!" Then I hear the person say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions

Cell phones, don't you just love them! ---Keith---

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Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history


Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/


For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539

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(Maxine from my own collection.)



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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2425

Chuckle 2425
(Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Help Wanted~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s

Horoscope, and Maxine, and Ole

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:

"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked him straight in the face and said, "Meow

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Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history

Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/

For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

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(Maxine from my own collection.)







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*** Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole. Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died.'" The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more." So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.'"

Chuckle 2424

Chuckle 2424
Pat M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Working for the Government~ (2nd time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A young man goes to the government office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"

"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm... ...but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y' know"

"What you have to understand is that this is a government job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There's no point in you coming in for that."

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Today in History Click
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Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/

For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

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(Maxine from my own collection.)


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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2423

Chuckle 2423
(Rich W of Paso Robles CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)

Super Bowl Trophy

~Super Bowl~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Oakland Raiders The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl.



The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says. "You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says:

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Oakland!!”

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Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history

Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/

For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

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(Maxine from my own collection.)

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The Adventures of Ole and Lars from Keith K

*** Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?" "No, I don't," said Ole. "A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.

*** Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, "Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!"
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Have a great day!

Chuckle 2422

Chuckle 2422
(Nancy S of Sheridan WY gets today's chuckle thanks.)



~Spaghetti ~ (2nd time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)
For several years, a man had been having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child.

Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write "Spaghetti" on the back when the child was born.

He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day about 8 months later he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey", she said, "you received a very strange post card today".

"Oh, just give it to me, I'll explain it later", he said.

The wife obeyed and watched her husband read the card, turn white, and faint.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

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(Click Today in History and learn.)

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history

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(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)

http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/

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(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

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(Maxine from my own collection.)

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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2421

Chuckle 2421
(Chet S of Pasadena CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Cowboy Tomb Stone~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

COWBOY TOMB STONE Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in The Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah I wonder if he died knowing he won the ‘Coolest Headstone’ contest? And five rules for a happy life at the bottom.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.
4. It’s important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
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(Maxine from my own collection.)



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The Adventures of Ole and Lars from Keith K

Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?" "Just a minute," said the busy clerk. "Vell, said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll just take da bus."

***
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support.
He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support."
"Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself."

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(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2420

Chuckle 2420
(Linda M of Eugene OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~ College Football Recruiting ~(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Love it! Unfortunately, it's too close to reality to be really funny.
Anyway Here is a nice break from all the political emails.


---Linda M---



Football Recruiting Report!!

It has finally arrived...the 2010 football scouting report.
The following is currently making the rounds of Division 1 football coaches:

Wayfron P. Jackson:

6' 6", 215 lbs. Wide Receiver. Hottest prospect from Texas in the last ten years.
Loves rap music. Will demand a mini-cassette in his helmet.
Currently holds world record for the most "you knows" during
an interview (62 in one minute). Wayfron can print his complete name.

Signed with Tennessee .


Quinticious Jenkins:
6' 3", 220 lbs. Running Back. Set state scoring record out of Triton High School , Dunn , N.C.
Also led the state in burglaries, but has only 9 convictions. He
has been clocked at 4.2 seconds in the 40 yard dash with a
19" TV under each arm.

Signed with Mississippi State .


Roosevelt "Dude" Dansell:
6' 1", 195 lbs. Running Back.. From Tyler , Texas .
Has processed hair and imitates Billy Dee Williams very well.
Before he signed his letter of intent, he wanted the school to change colors to chartreuse and pink. Listed his church preference as "red brick."

Signed with the University of Houston.



Woodrow Lee Washington:
6' 8", 310 lbs. Tackle.. From a 4th generation welfare family. At 19 he's the oldest of 21 children.
Mother claims Woodrow and child No. 9 have same father.
He has a manslaughter trial pending, but feels he will be found innocent because: "The dude said sumpin' bad 'bout my Momma." On his entrance form, he listed his I.Q. as 20/20.

Signed with the University of Texas.





Willie "Night Train" Smith:
6'4", 225 lbs. Quarterback. Born on an Amtrak train. Birth certificate indicates he is 27 years old. Thinks the "N" on Nebraska’s helmets stands for "Nowledge," but still meets this school's stringent entrance requirement . Insists on wearing No. 32 jersey since it matches his score on his SAT's.

Signed with the University of Alabama .



Tyrone "Python" Peoples:
6'10", 228 lbs. Wide Receiver. Has a pending paternity suit and two rape trials, but hopes none of his other 9 victims will file charges.
Tyrone had already signed letters of intent with six other colleges, but was also willing to sign with us. Likes wild women and red Cadillac's. Thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Telephone Company.

Signed with University of Miami .


Abdul Hasheen Abba Ali:
6'10", 305 lbs. Guard. Played high school ball under the name Sylvester Lee Jones until he discovered religion.
Abdul thinks Sherlock Holmes is a housing project in Jacksonville .. Doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear." (Doesn't know the meaning of many other words, either.)

Signed with the University of Florida .



Note: College track coaches intend to use several of the above signees in their track programs. However, instead of using a starting gun at track meets, the NCAA has now agreed to use a burglar alarm.



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(Maxine from my own collection.)



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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2419
(Audrey N of Applegate CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~After Retiring~ (Also; Ole and Lars, and Maxine.

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman be7hind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.' And then the fight started...

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(Maxine from my own collection.)



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The Adventures of Ole and Lars from Keith K

*** Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to." So Ole drove to Duluth.

Chuckle 2418

Chuckle 2418
(Audrey N of Applegate CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)



~Tampons for my Brother~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother.

He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

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(Maxine from my own collection.)


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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2417

Chuckle 2417
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks.)




~Darwin Award Winner~ (Also; Maxine, The adventures of Ole and Lars.

AND THE WINNER IS... Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit happens'



IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE

FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.



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(Maxine from my own collection.)



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The Adventures of Ole and Lars from Keith K

Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel. "Have you eaten your banana yet," Ole asked excitedly? No," replied Lars. "Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"

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(Have a great day!)

Chuckle 2416

Chuckle 2416
(Pam S of Roseville CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Definition of old~ (Plus: Maxine, and 6 differences.)




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(Maxine from my own collection.)


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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2413

Chuckle 2413
(Mac M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Golf Chuckle~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay" And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.

Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."
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(Maxine from my own collection.)


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Quiz for People Who Know Everything from Bev L

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

Answers to 7 and 8

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar: Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh: Lettuce.

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(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2412

Chuckle 2412
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks.)

Frozen crabs

~Frozen Crabs~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A man boarded an airplane at Coolangatta with a box of frozen Crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him.
She took the box and promised to put

it in the crew's refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in Sydney, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the Gentleman who gave me the crabs on the Gold Coast, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... So she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Men never learn.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.

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(Maxine from my own collection.)

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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2411

Chuckle 2411
(Audrey N of Applegate CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)



~How to Start a Fight~ (Also; Quiz time and Maxine,

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.....
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My wife and I were watching “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started...
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(Maxine from my own collection.)



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Quiz Time:

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in Standard English begin with the letters ' dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.

Answers for 5 and 6:

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.

6. Three English words beginning with dw: Dwarf, dwell and dwindle....

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(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2411

Chuckle 2410

(Pat M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~How to serve chicken wings to a man...~(Plus: Maxine and 6 differences.)

Presentation is the key .........."remember that"

Chicken Wings, Hush Puppies with a Dash of Ketchup and Asparagus served on a Bed of Lettuce.













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(Maxine from my own collection.)



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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2409

Lora and I are leaving tomorrow and will be gone for a while

Chuckle 2409
(Linda M of Eugene gets today's chuckle thanks.)


Charlie, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, and sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

"Charlie, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but you're being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Navy. What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, 'Good morning, Admiral. Can I get you some coffee, sir?'"

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(Maxine from my own collection.)







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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)