Chuckle 2553

Chuckle 2553
(Nicki H Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~ Chutzpah~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

----- Chutzpah is a Yiddish word meaning gall, brazen nerve, effrontery, sheer guts plus arrogance; it's Yiddish and, as Leo Rosten writes, "no other word and no other language" can do it justice. This example is better than 1,000 words. Read the story below the picture and then you will understand.

THE ESSENCE OF CHUTZPAH...

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel.

This went on for more than 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him. Without blinking an eye she said:

"They're 35 cents now."

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(Maxine from my own collection.)

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(Old Cures sent in by Jack S of Santa Cruz CA)

Have you ever wondered why our great grandparents all had such fond memories of their youth?

Well.. I'm surprised they remembered anything at all !!!

Forget Tums & Tylenol.

Forget Aleve & Benedryl.

Look at the cool stuff they had back then;

A bottle of Bayer’s ‘Heroin’.

Between 1890 and 1910 heroin was sold as a non-addictive substitute for morphine.
It was also used to treat children suffering with a strong cough.



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Chuckle 2552

Chuckle 2552 (ah ha! another Palindrome)
(Linda M of Springfield OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~A cowboy at the Pearly Gates~ (2nd time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s……. out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

Couple of minutes ago.'

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(Maxine from my own collection.)


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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2551

Chuckle 2551
(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks.)



~THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR ~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine, and WHY??

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'


To which she replied, ‘there certainly is!'
(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)
'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

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(Maxine from my own collection.)








____________________________________________________________

(Why from Stevan S of Florence OR.)

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from
morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?
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Have a good one!

Chuckle 2549

Chuckle 2549
(Gerry B of La Habra CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~ROSES & HANGING BASKETS~ (2nd time around) (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

A teenage granddaughter came downstairs for her date with a see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' And out she goes. The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate... The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

Happy Gardening.

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(Maxine from my own collection.)


_________________________________________________________

(Why from Stevan S of Florence OR.)

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
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Have a Good One!

Chuckle 2548

Chuckle 2428
(Rich C of Yuma AZ gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Tragic News from up North ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine on X’mas from my own collection.)



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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2547

Chuckle 2547
(Linda M of Springfield OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)



~Calmness in Our Lives~ (2nd time around) (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could
all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple
advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil
proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the
things you have started and have never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and
hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a
bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream, a package of
Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the
cheesecake, some Doritos, a box of chocolates, and the last bit of the tequila.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

Pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.
______________________________________________________________
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(Maxine from my own collection.)


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(Why from Stevan S of Florence OR.)

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why
can't he fix a hole in a boat?


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
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Chuckle 2546

Chuckle 2546
(Dean O of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)
This girl must be Extremely smart!

~Weight Gain~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

With time, women gain weight because they accumulate so much information and wisdom in their heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of their bodies. So they aren't heavy, they are enormously cultured, educated and happy.

Beginning today, when you look at your butt in the mirror you will think, Good grief, look how smart I am!

That must be where the term 'Smart Ass' came from!



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______________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)


_________________________________________________________

(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2545

Chuckle 2545
(Linda M of Springfield OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~A Cold Winter~ (2nd time around) (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen..'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'

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_______________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



________________________________________________________

(Why from Stevan S of Florence OR.)

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about
him?
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Have a good Day!

Chuckle 2544

Chuckle 2544
(Keith K and Charlie M get today's chuckle thanks.)

~Two Very Short Ones~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

From Keith;

~A Heart-Warming E-Mail Message ~

"Hi all; it's snowing like crazy here today. My neighbor says that since it's
been snowing, all his wife does is look through the window".
He reckons if it gets much worse he'll have to let her in."

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From Charlie;

Dear Santa, Please send me a baby brother...



Santa wrote back:
"Send me your mother..."

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine on X’mas from my own collection.)


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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2543

Chuckle 2543
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)



~How to Stop Church Gossip! ~ (2nd time around) (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine, + Why?

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.. Several members did not approve of her extracurricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing...

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house.... walked home . . . and left it there all night.



(You gotta love Frank!)

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(Maxine on X’mas from my own collection.)


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Why from Stevan S of Florence OR.)

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
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Have a Good one!

Chuckle 2542

Chuckle 2542
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~The Office Party ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"


"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)


_________________________________________________________

(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2541

Chuckle 2541
(Lora S of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~ Little Larry~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

******************************************************************************

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

*******************************************************************************

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

**********************************************************************************

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,” Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture? "

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(Maxine from my own collection.)


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(Why from Stevan S of Florence OR.)

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

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Have a good day with Porky

Chuckle 2540

Chuckle 2540
(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~How to get to Heaven from Ireland~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them,

'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!'

By now I was starting to smile. 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?

Again, they all answered 'NO!'.

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven?'

A six year-old boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE DEAD...."

It's a curious race, the Irish.
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



_______________________________________________

(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2539

Chuckle 2539
(George H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

Chuckle 424 was sent in Aug. 2004
~THE PICTURE ON THE NIGHT STAND ~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your Dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. "That's me before the surgery."
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)


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(Why from Stevan S of Florence OR.)

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good
idea to put wheels on luggage?
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Have a Good One

Chuckle 2537

For some of you who like bowling; tune into pro bowling at 10 this morning on ESPN.

Chuckle 2537
(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Getting a hairdryer through customs~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?' ...'Of course, child. What may I do for you?'


'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under ...your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

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_______________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)


________________________________________________________

(Why from Stevan S of Florence OR.)

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes
you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

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Hope you have a great Day

Chuckle 2535

Chuckle 2535
(Mac M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~The Italian Momma~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,) + Why?

If YOU ARE ITALIAN YOU KNOW THIS IS TRUE…...

Rocco excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

He says, 'Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry.'

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, 'Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry?'

She immediately replies, 'The one on the right.'

'That's amazing, Ma.

You're right.

How did you know?'

The Italian mother replied:

'I don't like her.'

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)


___________________________________________________________

(Why from Stevan S of Florence OR.)

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do;
you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your
thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
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Have a great day.

Chuckle 2533

Chuckle 2533
(Ron S of Ada OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Planting Potatoes~(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine, and WHY?

An inmate wrote his wife a letter. Don’t plant the potatoes---that’s where I buried the money.”

He soon received a reply from his wife.

“They censored your letter and have dug up the entire back yard.”

He wrote back, “Now you can plant the potatoes.”
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________________________________________________________
Maxine


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(“WHY?” From Stevan S of Florence OR)

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or
shoplifting?

Can you cry under water?
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Here’s Wally!