Chuckle 2643

Chuckle 2643
(Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Did God Make You~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)



It is not how old you are, but how you are old. -Jules Renard, writer (1864-1910)
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(Maxine from my own collection.)



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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2642

Chuckle 2642

(Mac M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~I'm Rich! ~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Disappearing Words)





O.M.G., I'm rich! Silver in the Hair

Gold in the Teeth

Crystals in the Kidneys

Sugar in the Blood

Lead in the Ass

Iron in the Arteries

And an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.



I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth.
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Another Maxine.



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(Disappearing words)

I know some of you will not understand this message, but I bet you know someone who might. I came across this phrase yesterday. 'FENDER SKIRTS.'




A term I haven't heard in a long time, and thinking about 'fender skirts' started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice like 'curb feelers.'



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Chuckle 2641

Chuckle 2641
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)




~A HISTORY LESSON FOR DUMMIES~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase” You Gotta Be Shittin Me?"

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington’s boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'
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(Maxine from my own collection.)



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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2640

Chuckle 2640
(Bev Lester of Mt Vernon WA gets today's chuckle thanks.)

Bessie

~A Newfoundland Accident~ (2nd time around) (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s
Horoscope, Maxine, and church ladies with typewriters


A Newfoundland farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus.



'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?' asked the solicitor. Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the...
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Angus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus' answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie'.

Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the hell would you say?'

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(Maxine from my own collection.)


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(CHURCH LADIES WITH TYPEWRITERS
from Lora in Florence OR.)

--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
the back door.
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Chuckle 2639

Chuckle 2639
(Lora S of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

Two hole outhouse



~The Outhouse Poem ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)










The service station trade was slow
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.

No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.


"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.


With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car
Just like three gals before.

She missed the foot log - jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.

She tripped and fell - got up, and then
In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.


Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.


He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish tike,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.

And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear,
"Will you please use the other hole
We're painting under here!"

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(Maxine from my own collection.)





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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2638

Happy Easter!

Chuckle 2638
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Latest Newfie chuckle~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and church ladies with typewriters

Rick met George in the street and said, 'George, will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future?'

'Bejaysus Why?' George asked.

'Because,' said Rick, 'the whole street was laughing when they saw you and your missus making love yesterday.' George said, 'Stupid buggers! The laugh's on them ... I wasn't even home yesterday.'
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(Maxine from my own collection.)



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(CHURCH LADIES WITH TYPEWRITERS
from Lora in Florence OR.)

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

--------------------------

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies
are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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Chuckle 2637

Chuckle 2637
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Aging~ (2nd time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day,

Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in
death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly,
she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot
herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and
a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to
just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.
Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a
gunshot wound to her knee.

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(Maxine from my own collection.)


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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2636

Chuckle 2536
(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~THE OSTRICH ~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and church ladies with typewriters.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to

the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I’ll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will

be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"
asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
a salad," says the man.

"Same,” says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well,” says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,

I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"

"That’s right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big *ss and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

WELL HELLO !!!!!!

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(Maxine from my own collection.)


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(CHURCH LADIES WITH TYPEWRITERS
from Lora in Florence OR.)

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

--------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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That’s all folks ~~

Chuckle2535
(Lora S of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Show and Tell~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class. The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David." The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary." The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole



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(Maxine from my own collection.)


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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2634

Chuckle 2634
(Bill P of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)







~ My Old Wrinkled Butt??~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and church ladies with typewriters.)

How the world works lately...

If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, He blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day For 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the Tobacco Company.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, He blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are Brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a Deranged madman, You blame the gun manufacturer...

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and Tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to Understand the world as it is anymore.

So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED BUTT is parked in front of this computer, I want all of you to blame Bill Gates.

Have a nice day! ---Bill---



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(Maxine from my own collection.)






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(CHURCH LADIES WITH TYPEWRITERS
from Lora in Florence OR.)


Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered......


**********************************************************************

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
and gracious hostility.

Chuckle 2633

Chuckle 2633
(Brenda N of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~THE ORIGINAL SIN~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day,
Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)



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(Maxine from my own collection.)





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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2632

Chuckle 2632 (Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.) COWBOY TOMB STONE Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in Logan, Utah. I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest? Make sure you read the five rules listed after the picture! ~FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE: ~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and church ladies with typewriters 1.. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job. 2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you. 4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you. 5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other. This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm _______________________________________________________________ Today in History Click http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history Word for the day Click http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/ For today's Horoscope click http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/ ________________________________________________________ (Maxine from my own collection.) ________________________________________________________________ (CHURCH LADIES WITH TYPEWRITERS from Lora in Florence OR.) Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. -------------------------- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. ____________________________________________________________ (Have a great day)

Chuckle 2631

Chuckle 2631 (Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks.) Deaf sign language. ~DEAF ITALIAN BOOKKEEPER ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.) A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000 His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is?” The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido where's the money? Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about" The Godfather pulls out a .45 pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him...” Guido signs back,” OK You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my Cousin Bruno's house. The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, “He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger." ________________________________________________________________ Today in History Click http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history Word for the day Click http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/ For today's Horoscope click http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/ ___________________________________________________________________ (Maxine from my own collection.) _______________________________________________________________ (Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2630

Chuckle 2630 (Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks.) ~Darwin Award~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and church ladies with typewriters. The latest nominee for this year's Darwin Award goes to.... 1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everett Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro-shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome was asked to leave the course. This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm ________________________________________________________ Today in History Click http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history Word for the day Click http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/ For today's Horoscope click http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/ ________________________________________________________ (Maxine from my own collection.) ___________________________________________________________ (CHURCH LADIES WITH TYPEWRITERS from Lora in Florence OR.) Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. ------------------------- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. ___________________________________________________________ Have a great day !

Chuckle 2629

Chuckle 2629 (Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks.) ~ Unfriendly Receptionist~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.) Yesterday I had an appointment to see my urologist for a Prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted. The waiting room was filled with patients. As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?" All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION. BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS." The room erupted in applause! DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!!! This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm ___________________________________________________________ Today in History Click http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history Word for the day Click http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/ For today's Horoscope click http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/ ______________________________________________________ (Maxine from my own collection.) __________________________________________________________ (Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)