(Chuckle 3033)

(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~Painting the Church ~ (Second time around) (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Smile Awhile)

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Mac Gregory who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid; and because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried,

"Oh, God, Oh, God, forgive me. What should I do?" and from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke,

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
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"Blessed are the cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light."
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(Maxine Cartoon)

______________________________________________________________

(Smile awhile comes from Chet and Phyllis
in Pasadena CA)

Chuckle 3032

(Chuckle 3032)

(Sheila M of Grass Valley CA gets today’s chuckle thanks)

Chuckle 306 (Sent out in April of 2004)

~Assorted Chuckles~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

PALM SUNDAY:

IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES.

THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR.

"PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY."

"WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"

-------------------------------

CHILDREN'S SERMON:

ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?"

"I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTY HOSE!"

---------------------------------

SUPPORT A FAMILY:

THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"

THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."

-------------------------------

GRANDMA'S AGE:

LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS.

GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."

JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"

------------------------------

FIRST TIME USHERS:

A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.

WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I'M UNDER FIVE."
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine Cartoon)

___________________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 3031

(Chuckle 3031)

(George H of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks)
Chuckle 321 Sent out in May of 2004

~ Jumping on the Bed~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Smile Awhile)

A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine Cartoon)

_____________________________________________________________

(Smile awhile comes from Chet and Phyllis
in Pasadena CA)

Chuckle 3030

(Chuckle 3030)

(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~Wet T-Shirt Contest Winner~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

What did you expect?

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(Maxine Cartoon)

___________________________________________________________


(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 3029

(Chuckle 3029)

(Dean O of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks)
Chuckle 27 (Sent out June of 2003)

~ HOW TO BATHE A CAT ~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Smile Awhile)

1. Thoroughly clean toilet.

2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.

3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.

4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids
and stand on top, so cat cannot escape.

5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds
(ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this) .

6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse,
which is quite effective.

7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from
toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.

8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors,
where he will air dry.

Sincerely,
The Dog

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(Smile awhile comes from Chet and Phyllis
in Pasadena CA)

Chuckle 3028

(Chuckle 3028)
(Linda M of Gresham OR gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~Snoring Problem~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)
Click motorcycle to enlarge!

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_________________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 3027

(Chuckle 3027)

(Keith K of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~Why Men Wear Earrings~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Smile Awhile)

Did you ever wonder why earrings became popular?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense".

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

(I always wondered how this trend got started)

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine Cartoon)

_________________________________________________________


(Smile awhile comes from Chet and Phyllis
in Pasadena CA)

Chuckle 3026

(Chuckle 3026)

(Nicky H of Florence OR and Nancy S of Sheridan WY get today’s chuckle thanks)

From Nicky; ~Resurrection~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

The pastor of this Baptist church had called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him. He said "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?" One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said "Please tell us what the resurrection is". The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!" It took a solid 10 minutes before the pastor could speak and there was so much laughter going on that his sermon was probably forgotten - but that little boy's voice won't be.
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From Nancy; ~Old Enough~

(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A friend of mine was sitting on a lawn, sunning and reading, when he was startled by a fairly late model car crashing through a hedge and coming to rest on his lawn.

He helped the elderly driver out and sat her on a lawn chair.

"My goodness" he exclaimed, "you are quite old to be driving!"

"Yes" she replied,” I am old enough that I don't need a license."

"The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driving license." I told him "yes" and handed it to him.

He took scissors out of a drawer, cut the license into pieces and threw them in the wastebasket." "You won't be needing this anymore," he said.

So I thanked him and left.

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(Maxine Cartoon)

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(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 3025

(Chuckle 3025)

(Keith K of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~I FORGOT MY GLASSES~ (Second time around) (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Smile Awhile)

Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club. She said, "Are you nuts? You're almost 72 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club." I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier.

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_______________________________________________________

(Maxine Cartoon)

 

__________________________________________________________

(Smile awhile comes from Chet and Phyllis
in Pasadena CA)

Chuckle 3024

(Chuckle 3024)

(Rich and Flo C of Yuma AZ gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~The Difference if You Marry a Pittsburgh Girl~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Three friends married women from different parts of the country.

The first man married a woman from Wisconsin. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Minnesota. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Pittsburgh. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.



Have a wonderful Day
_________________________________________________________
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(Maxine Cartoon)

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(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 3023

(Chuckle 3023)

(Anon. gets today’s chuckle thanks)
Chuckle 18 (Sent out June 20th 2003)

~Parrot for a Pet. ~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and (Smile Awhile)

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be so much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.

She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot.

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that
this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some
pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the parrot
anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then looked at her, and said, "New house,
new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's
not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw
them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about
the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said "Hi Keith!"
_________________________________________________________

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine Cartoon)

__________________________________________________________

(Smile awhile comes from Chet and Phyllis
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Chuckle 3022

(Chuckle 3022)

(Jayne and John C from some where in AZ gets today’s chuckle thanks)

Chuckle 220 (Sent out Jan. 25 2004)

~Larry’s Bar and New NFL Team ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.

What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down.

Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

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The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the league. So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, therefore saving jobs. They will be known as the TAMPACKS.

Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string.

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine Cartoon)

_____________________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 3021

(Chuckle 3021)

(Phyllis and Chet S of Pasadena CA gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~Pastor on His Death Bed ~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Smile Awhile)

An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for Internal Revenue Service agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here? The old pastor mustered all his strength, and then said weakly, Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I'd like to go.

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____________________________________________________________
(Maxine Cartoon)

__________________________________________________________
(Smile awhile comes from Chet and Phyllis
in Pasadena CA)

Chuckle 3020

(Chuckle 3020) Glad to see you’re back Rich!

(Rich and Flo C of Yuma AZ gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE~!! (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day; to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time. I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...

'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration... .’’

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

''Now; if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''

The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine Cartoon)

_____________________________________________________________


(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 3019

(Chuckle 3019)

(Bev L in Mt. Vernon WA gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~THE OUTHOUSE POEM~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Smile Awhile)

The service station trade was slow

The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.
No modern facilities had they,

The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.
"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"

The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.
With quickened step she entered in

But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, as if a snake
Or spider had been in it.
With startled look and beet red face

She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for her car
Just like three gals before.
She missed the foot log - jumped the stream


The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, around her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.
She tripped and fell - got up, and then

In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.
Of course we all desired to know

What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.
A speaking system he'd devised

To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.

He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish tyke,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.

And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear,
"Madam, please use the other hole,
We're painting under here!"
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________________________________________________________

Maxine Cartoon

___________________________________________________________

(Smile awhile comes from Chet and Phyllis
in Pasadena CA)