Chuckle 3800

Chuckle 3800

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR)

~Confessional~ (Second time around) (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

I went to the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.

On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest came in.

I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replied: "Get out, you damn moron, you're on MY side of the box . . .

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 (Today in History Click)
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Maxine

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Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’s

Chuckle 3799 Classic

Chuckle 3799 Classic
Chuckle 436 (Sent out in Aug 2004)

(Here are three short chuckles.)

From Mary in Los Osos CA comes;

~Rose~(Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when in walks a young chick with a low cut blouse that revealed a rose tattooed on one breast.

One lady leaned over to the other and whispers, "Poor kid doesn't know it, but in about 40 years she'll be wearing a long stemmed rose in a hanging basket.

 

From George H of Florence OR came;

~Lemons~ 

Upon entering the confessional, a young woman spilled the beans, admitting: "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me -- seven times." 

The priest thought long and hard, and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass, then drink it." 

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe the smile off your face."

 

From Jayne C in Florence OR came;

~Life after Death~

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go and, true to his word, he made contact:

"Mary ... Mary"

"Is that you, Larry?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and off to the golf course and I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then I have sex until late at night. The next day, it starts again."

"Oh, Larry, you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Tucson, Arizona."

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 (Today in History Click)
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Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 3798 Classic

Chuckle 3798 Classic
Chuckle 79 (Sent out in Aug 2003)

(Roy and Doris Stephen of Weldon, Sask. sent us this Chuckle. Thanks Roy!)

~"Sure, Kemosabe"~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 diff’s)
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.
   After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

 The Lone Ranger said, "I do, Why?" 

  The cowboy said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!"

   The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was about  to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got water and soon Silver was starting to feel little better.  The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and said, "I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to help cool him down." 

  Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and begins running circles around Silver.
   Unable to do anything except wait, the Lone Ranger returns to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and
asked, "Who owns that big white horse out side?"

  The Lone Ranger stands and claimed, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?”

The cowboy looks him in the eye and said, "Nothing, but you left your Injun running."

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(Today in History Click)
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Maxine

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Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’s

 

Chuckle 3797

Chuckle 3797
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Bev L in Mt. Vernon WA.)

~Which Machine~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I asked the trainer standing next to me, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?"

The trainer looked me over and said..., "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."

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Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 3796

Chuckle 3796
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Nicky H of Florence OR.)

~Home Security~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.

I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.

The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.

I've never felt safer and I'm saving $49.95 a month.

 

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Maxine

 

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Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’s; 

 

Chuckle 3795

Chuckle 3795
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Mac M of Florence OR)

~Another Genie Story~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

Three men - a Canadian farmer, a Muslim fanatic and a white trash biker are all walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish,

which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.'

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

The Muslim was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall. '

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out. It's virtually impenetrable.'

The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a cold beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says...

'Fill it with water!'

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(Today in History Click)
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Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 3794 Classic

Chuckle 3794 Classic
Chuckle 450 (Sent out in Sept 2004)

(Today's chuckle thanks go to Phyllis S of Pasadena CA!)

~Communication Problems~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 diff’s)

A Swedish lady married an English gentleman and they lived happily in London.  However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.  The butcher got the message and the lady went home with chicken legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts.  Again, she didn't know how to say it, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast.  The lady got what she wanted.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausage links.  Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store.

 

What were you thinking?

Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!!!!

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(Today in History Click)
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Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’s

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 3793

Chuckle 3793
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Holly S of Chicago Ill )

~1^st Day in School~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit… She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?"

"No," said the little boy............"It's a puppy!"

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Maxine

 

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Herman

 
 
 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 3792

Chuckle 3792
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR)

~PREGNANT AT 71~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. 

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.  The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What in the world is the matter with you?", the older doctor demanded.

"Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without even looking up asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

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Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Spot the 6 diff's

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 3791

Chuckle 3791
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Nicky H of Florence OR)

 ~When Love Fades~   (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman)             

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV.
When I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen ask...

"What would you like for dinner, my love?  Chicken, Beef or Lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, dear, I think I'll have chicken."

She replied, "You're having soup, a--hole.  I was talking to the cat."

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Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 3790

Chuckle 3790
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Gary B of La Habra CA)

~The Husband’s Reply~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 diff’s)

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece; but the custody of their children posed a problem.

 The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

 The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

 After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:
"Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"

 Don't laugh, he won.

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 ________________________________________________________

Maxine

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Spot the 6 diff's

Chuckle 3789

Chuckle 3789
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR)

~Police Work at its best! ~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

 Two policemen (Constable Ken and Bob) call the station on the radio.
"Hello. Is this the Sarge?"
"Yes?"
"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband dead for stepping on the floor she had mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."

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 __________________________________________________________

Maxine

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Herman