Chuckle 3913

Chuckle 3913
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Mac M of Florence OR)

~Little Thelma~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Thelma's father thinks a bit then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?”

 "The whole ISIS group," she says.

"Why them," her father asks in shock?

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give them a valentine, they might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to them, they'd love everyone a lot. And then they'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much they loved them and how they didn't hate anyone anymore.”

 Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. "Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard. ”

 "I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets them out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of them."

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 (Today in History Click)
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 ___________________________________________________________________

Maxine 

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Herman

 

Chuckle 3912

Chuckle 3912
Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Nicky H of Florence OR)

~Ole’s Problem~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s

Ole lived across the Minnesota River from Clarence Bunsen, whom he didn't like at all. They were yelling across the river at each other all the time.

Ole would yell to Clarence, "If I had a vay to cross dis river, I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah sure ya betcha by golly!"

This went on for years. Finally, the state built a bridge across the river right there by their houses.

Ole's wife Lena says, "Now iss yer chance, Ole. Vhy doncha go over dere and beat up dat Clarence like you said you vud?"

Ole replied, "OK, by yimminy, I tink I vill do yust dat!"

Ole started for the bridge, but he saw a sign on the bridge and stopped to read it, then turned around and came back home.

Lena asked, "Vhy did you come back?"

Ole said, "Lena, I tink I changed my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence. You know, vhen I yell at him from across da river he don't look so big. But dey put a sign on da bridge dat says "Clarence is 13 ft. 6 In."

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

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____________________________________________________________ 

Maxine

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Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’s

Chuckle 3911

Chuckle 3911
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Nicky H of Florence OR)

~A Golf Story~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

 A man got on a bus, with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

 Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

 The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.

 After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”

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 (Today in History Click)
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________________________________________________________________ 

Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 3910

Chuckle 3910
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Gary B of La Habra CA)

~Good Friends~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I’m sleeping with the minister’s wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after the services for me?"
Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend he agrees.
After the services, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister. "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The minister smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You better hurry home. My wife died a year ago."

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 ___________________________________________________________________

Maxine

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Spot the 6 Diff's

Chuckle 3909

Chuckle 3909
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Nancy V of Florence OR)

~It's Hard to Beat Israeli Technology! ~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

     TEL AVIV, Israel –

The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners.

It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.

 Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials. 

You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.  Shortly thereafter, an announcement:

"Attention to all standby passengers,   El Al is pleased to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London.  Shalom!"

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 ________________________________________________________

Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 3908

Chuckle 3908
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR)

~She Knows What She's Talking About~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

WIFE: "There's a problem with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

 HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "

 

WIFE: "Listen to me! The car has water in the carburetor!"

 

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor looks like. I'll check it out. 

Where's the car?

 WIFE: "In the river"

 

(Today in History Click)
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Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’s

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 3907

Chuckle 3907
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Ron J of Florence OR)

~Finally, a Good Gun Story~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman.)

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered  pistol and yelled, "I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot clip and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."

A voice from the back of the room called out, "You don't have enough ammo!"

~(Hospital Reg’s)~

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
 However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.  On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said.  "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
 

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 _________________________________________________________

Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 3906

Chuckle 3906
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Bev L of Mt Vernon WA)

~Young Children Writing About the Ocean~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

6) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle
to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better
off eating beans. (William, age 7)

 7) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and
I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?            

 Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

 8) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is
always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has 
just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

 9) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think 
they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7) 

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(Today in History Click)
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 _______________________________________________________________

Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’s

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 3905

Chuckle 3905
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Ron J of Florence OR)

~Hearing Problems & Newborn Baby~ ( Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect.  Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.  I just sit around and listen to the conversations.  I've changed my will three times!"

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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.  I know you're about my age.  How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!?  Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep.  No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

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(Today in History Click)
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 _________________________________________________________________

Maxine

____________________________________________________________________


Herman

Chuckle 3904

Chuckle 3904
(Two one liners from Harry M of Florence OR) ( Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6Diff’s)

1. Why are Jewish men circumcised? Answer Jewish won’t touch anything that isn't 20% off.  

2. Wife spent two hours getting a facial. Looked great and for two days then the mud fell off. 

~Children Writing About the Ocean~ (From Bev L of Mt Vernon WA)

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

 2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

 3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)

 4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

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 ____________________________________________________________

Maxine

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Spot the 6 Diff's

Chuckle 3903

Chuckle 3903
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Nicky H of Florence)
(Yesterday’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence for Golf Buddies)

~Sometimes~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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(Today in History Click)
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 __________________________________________________________

Maxine

____________________________________________________________________

Herman