Chuckle 4143

Chuckle 4143
(Email sent in Aug 2004)

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Pat M of Florence OR)

~Hello there Nice Person~ ( Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the
passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.

Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain,
Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Ed, sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right?
Is the captain a woman?"

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I
understand you right?  Is the captain a woman?

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female." 

"My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas.  I don't know what
to think of all those women up there in the cockpit." 

"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cock pit."

"Now it's the box office."

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 _______________________________________________________________

Maxine

______________________________________________________

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Chuckle 4142

Chuckle 4142
(Email from Mary in Nov 2004)

~ Dear Tide: ~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I have used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best.

Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started to become a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse.  I tried to get the stain out by using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.

After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of Liquid Tide With Bleach Alternative. To my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well that the detectives came by yesterday and told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative.

Then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. It was quite a relief!

I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty Bag people.

Signed,

A Relieved Menopausal Wife

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Maxine

 
 
 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Herman

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 4141

Chuckle 4141
Chuckle 554 (Sent out in Nov 2005)

(George H in Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~THE WONGS~  ( Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wong’s has a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely Caucasian, white baby boy. "Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?"

The Puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong.” 

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 _______________________________________________

Maxine

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Chuckle 4140

Chuckle 4140
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Dean O of Florence OR.) This was received in Sept 2004.

~Captain Marvey~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

  An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them
food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to
announce that he'll be landing this big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those
big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, bitch." 

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_______________________________________________________

Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 4139

Chuckle 4139
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Bev L of Mt Vernon WA)

~Over 70 Pt. 1~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 diff’s)

1.  I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business.  This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my ass and said,  "You're kind of cute, you gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yea you gotta pen?"
She said "Yea", I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you".  Cost me 6 stitches.
When you are over seventy . . . who cares ?.  

**********
2.  Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah.. She's purty good lookin'....."
When you are over seventy. . . who cares ?
***********
3.  I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
When you are over seventy . . . who cares ?

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 _______________________________________________

Maxine

__________________________________________________

Spot the 6 Diff's

Chuckle 4138

Chuckle 4138
(Email was sent to me in Aug of 2004)
These Emails that came to me years ago I have save for later use!

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Dean O of Florence)

~BANK ACCOUNT~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

A crusty old biker walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!" says the biker.

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank," the teller informs him. She then leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform her of the situation.

The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old biker, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see, " says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

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Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 4137

Chuckle 4137
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Mary who passed away several years ago)

~Affairs Part 3~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 diff’s)

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.  "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?"  Exclaimed the man.  "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."  The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"  The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

 The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to" his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace.  I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," she replied, “now just rest and let the poison work."

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Maxine

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Spot the 6 diff's

Chuckle 4136

Chuckle 4136
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Mary who passed away several years ago)

~Affairs Part 2~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.  He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.  "I have something to show you and you won't believe it," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.  "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

 

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.  "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

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_____________________________________________

Maxine

_____________________________________________

Herman

Chuckle 4135

Chuckle 4135
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Mary who passed away several years ago)

~Affairs Part 1~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.  One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.  The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.  "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

 

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

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 __________________________________________________

Maxine

__________________________________________________

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Chuckle 4134

Chuckle 4134
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Mary of CA)

~ A Woman Who Thinks~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern
 Minnesota.

 The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to
 read.

 One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
 decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the
 wife decides to take the boat out.

 She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her
 book.

 Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the
 woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

 "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?")

 "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

 "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

 "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
 start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

 "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says
 the woman. .

 "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden

 "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
 could start at any moment."

 "Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.............

 MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can
 also think.


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 ___________________________________________________________

Maxine

_____________________________________________

Herman

Chuckle 4133

Chuckle 4133
(Received from Dean O of Florence OR in Sept of 2004)

~HOSPITAL STAY~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 diff’s)

Harry was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"

Old Harry had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Harry had breakfast, pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So .. you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today .." At this, Old Harry snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time."

The nurse fainted ...! Old Harry just smiled!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!!!!

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_______________________________________________

Maxine

____________________________________________________

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Chuckle 4132

Chuckle 4132
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to George H of Florence OR)

~How to lose weight~ (Received in July 2004) (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor." "No, from all that skipping."

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 ____________________________________________

Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 4131

Chuckle 4131 Classic
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Pat M of Florence)

Chuckle 407 (sent out in Aug 2004)

~Temperance Sermon~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

     One Sunday a minister was completing a temperance sermon. 

     With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river."  With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."  And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."  Sermon complete, he sat down. 

     The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, Shall We Gather at the River." 

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________________________________________________ 

Maxine

________________________________________________________

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Chuckle 4130 Classic

Chuckle 4130 Classic
Chuckle 105 (Sent out in Dec 2003)

(Willie and Joy of Sacramento, CA.. sent us this Chuckle. Thanks go to both of you!)

Note: This one is rated PG.

~BMW & Tees:~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

 Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant who knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner, completely unaware of who the golf pro is.

  "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.         

 "What are those, son?" asks the attendant.

 "They're called tees" replies Tiger.

  "Well, what on the good earth are they for?" inquire the Irishman.

  "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.

  "Jesus, Mary and Joseph", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything. "
 

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Maxine

_____________________________________________________

Herman

Chuckle 4129

Chuckle 4129
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Ron J of Florence OR)

~A new Pet~ (Second time around.)

(Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

A woman went to a pet shop and spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so cheap?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.  

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but  then thought, "That's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation, considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Fred came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Fred."

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_______________________________________________ 

Maxine

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Spot the 6 Diff's