Chuckle 5000 Classic

Chuckle 5000 Classic

Chuckle 221  (Sent out in Oct 2003)

(Our thanks go to Charlotte of Coos Bay, OR for this chuckle!)

"Career Change": ( Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

 When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

 The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler..." 

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/



_________________________________________________________

Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 4999 Floppy

Chuckle 4999 Floppy

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Rick R of Surrey BC)

~The Bet~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and

6 Diff’s)

This is a little long but I’m sure you will survive!

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right)! The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets? "The old woman said, "well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady than said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 A.M. as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 A.M., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's Office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet" "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 A.M. today, I'd have the Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

_

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

__________________________________________________________ 

Maxine

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Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’s

Chuckle 4998

Chuckle 4998 Classic

Chuckle 254

    (Today’s chuckle thanks go to Phyllis in Pasadena, CA for

the 1^st one and Jayne in Florence, OR for the 2^nd!



~A Choice in Life:~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and  Herman)

    Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by
environmental encounters.
 
While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
 
He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"
 
Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-purpose, isn't it?"
 
And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.


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Drink Orders:

   A  pompous Preacher was seated next to a Newfie on a flight
to Toronto.
  After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Newfie asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
  The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a
drink.
  He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen
brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
  The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

_________________________________________________

Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 4997

Chuckle 4997

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR)

~Church Notice~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

 So I hear....

This notice can now be found in all French churches:



En entrant dans cette église, il est possible que vous entendiez l'appel de Dieu.
Par contre, il n’est pas susceptible de vous contacter par téléphone.
Merci d'avoir éteint votre téléphone.
Si vous souhaitez parler à Dieu, entrez, choisissez un endroit tranquille et parle lui.
Si vous souhaitez le voir, envoyez-lui un SMS en conduisant.

Translation:

It is possible that on entering this church, you may hear the Call of God.

On the other hand, it is not likely that He will contact you by phone.

Thank you for turning off your phone.

If you would like to talk to God, come in, choose a quiet place, and talk to Him

If you would like to see Him, send Him a text while driving.





(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/



Maxine

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Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’s

Chuckle 4996

Chuckle 4996

Wednesday, June 27, 2001 3:18 PM Subject:

~Follow these instructions??? ~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through

stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sear's hairdryer:

"Do not use while sleeping."

(Gee that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos:

"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."

(The shoplifter special) On a bar of Dial soap:

"Directions: Use like regular soap."

(And that would be how ...?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners:

"Serving suggestion: Defrost."

(But its "just" a suggestion)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):

"Do not turn upside down."

(Too late!)

On Marks & Amp; Spencer Bread Pudding:

"Product will be hot after heating."

(As night follows day . . .)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."

(But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:

"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we

could  just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

(One would hope.)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."

(As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."

(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."

(Talk about a news flash.)

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_

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 4995

Chuckle 4995

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR)

~Daddy’s Calling~ ( Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and  6 Diff’s

"Hello?" "Hi honey this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul." "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now." Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway." "Okay Daddy, just a minute." A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." "And what happened honey?" he asked. "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!" "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul" "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I he isn't moving either."

***Long Pause*

***Longer Pause

*** ***Even Longer Pause

*** Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

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_

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

_________________________________________________

Maxine

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Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’s

Chuckle 4994

Chuckle 4994 Classic

Chuckle 569 (Sent out in Jan 2005)

(Charlotte in Reeds Port OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Would You Remarry? ~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

WIFE:  "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND:  "Definitely not!"

WIFE:  "Why not- don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND:  "Of course I do."

WIFE:  "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND:  "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE:  "You would?" (With a hurtful look on her face)

HUSBAND:  (makes loud groan)

WIFE:  "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"

HUSBAND:  "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE:  "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND:  "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE:  "Would you play golf with her?"

HUSBAND:  "I guess so."

WIFE:  "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND:  "No, she's left handed."

WIFE:   ---silence-

HUSBAND:  "Shit."



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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/



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Maxine

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Herman)

Chuckle 4993

Chuckle 4993 Classic

Chuckle 572 (Sent out in Jan 2005)

(George in Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~Children Speak~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s

  1. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

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    2. A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in at last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

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3. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied. 

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4. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor.  She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don’t know," she replied. "I can't read." 

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5. I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued.  At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of this yourself!" 



6. A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's  wife,"

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There are 7 more of these, if you want them let me know and I’ll send them to you. ---Jerry---





(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/



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Maxine

_________________________________________________________

Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’

Chuchle 4992

Chuckle 4992

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Bill P of Florence OR)

~Funny pic’s~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

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_

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/



__________________________________________________________


Maxine

________________________________________________________


Herman

Chuckle 4991

Chuckle 4991

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Sheila Myers of Florence OR)

~Cartoon from Facebook~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

_________________________________________________________ 

Maxine

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Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’s