Chuckle 5392

Chuckle 5392

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Phyllis in Pasadena CA)

~Women and other Species~  (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and  6 Diff’s)

Shopping

  A   W ife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy a carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados"

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    Do You Need to READ IT AGAIN CAREFULLY

  

     Water in the carburetor

      WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

    HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "

    WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."    

    HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?

  WIFE: "In the river"

      A Frightening     Statistic !

   25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated.

He must pay!

  Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her Mum and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."

    Mum said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you. ”

          

  Today’s Short Reading From the Bible...  

   From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."

  Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed

And Finally:

A man went to the doctor, concerned about his wife's hearing.  "Go back home and say something to her," the doctor suggested.  "Tell me how close you are when she hears you."

The man went home and saw his wife in the kitchen, cutting carrots.  From 15 feet away, he said, "Honey, what's for dinner?". .  No answer.  He walked halfway to her and repeated the same question.  No answer. .  Concerned, he stood right behind her and asked again, 'What's for dinner?"

She turned around and exclaimed, "For the third time, beef stew!"

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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6 Diff’s

Chuckle 5391

Chuckle 5391 Classic

Chuckle 5308

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Bev in Mt. Vernon WA)

~Just for fun!~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign)

I had to pass this along...my belly hurts from laughing!!!!😂

How grandchildren perceive their grandparents

1. I was in the bathroom, putting on my makeup, under the watchful eyes of my young granddaughter, as I'd done many times before. After I applied my lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-

bye....

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 72. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

. 6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Sign

Chucklee5390

Chuckle 5390

~More Smiles From Nancy S. ~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and  Sign )

Marriage Humor Wife: 'What are you doing?' Husband: Nothing. Wife: 'Nothing . . . ?  You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.' -------------------------------------- Wife:  'Do you want dinner?' Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?' Wife: 'Yes or no.' --------------------------------------

Stress Reliever 

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries and troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well. that's because we aren't married yet.'

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Son:   'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'  

Mum: 'Well, son, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on Daddy's lap.'

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A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'Why, I like your sense of humor!'

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Sign

Chuckle 5389

Chuckle 5389 Classic

Chuckle 4538

Sent out in Sept 2017

(From Face Book

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Nancy S of Sun City AZ)

~Cooperation Needed~ ( Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

ATTENTION: Please DO NOT - I repeat - DO NOT use the $1 - $2 - $20 or $100 bills. They have pictures of former slave owners on them! "    Send them all to me and I will dispose of them properly! "  DO NOT just throw them away. "  They need to be disposed of properly and I am certified to do so. "  Send a Private Message to me if you need my mailing address. "    I will send you a pre-addressed envelope with postage to cover up to 100 of these offensive bills. "       We must get these out of circulation immediately. "      Thank you for your cooperation.  ---Nancy---

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Maxine

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Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’s

Click the clips

Chuckle 5388 Classic

Chuckle 5388 Classic

Chuckle 4537 (Sent out in Sept 2017

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(Part 2 of Dr “D’ from Bev L of Mt Vernon WA)

( Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.

10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.

11. I love being over 70. I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.

12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a  day.

14. November 6, 2017 will be the end of Daylight Savings Time. Hope you don't forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.

15. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 5387

Chuckle 5387

 (Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Nancy S in Sun City AZ)

~ RALPH and EDNA~ ( Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and  6 Diff’s )

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied: 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

Happy Mental Health Day!

You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend... I've done my part!

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Life is short, drink the good wine first'

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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6 Diff’s

 

Chuckle 5386

Chuckle 5386

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR)

~TWELVE COMMANDMENTS FOR SENIORS~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign )

#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice

#2 - “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.

#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop making you mad.

#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.”

#6 - “On time” is when you get there.

#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.

#8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

#9 - Lately, You've noticed people your age are so much older than you.

#10 - Growing old should have taken longer.

#11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.

#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age, and hope you never will.

And one more:  “One for the road” means peeing before you leave the house.

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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