Chuckle 5472

 

(Today's chuckle thanks go to Sunny Mary of Los Osos CA!)

 

~Bear’s Revenge~ (2^nd time around)

(Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign)

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi are conversing over coffee.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all back together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.  "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. When I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. However, the bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary, Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "Brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. I began to READ to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! That bear wanted NOTHING to do with me! I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. I quick-DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. You know what, Glory to God hallelujah; he came up out of the water growling in tongues! We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start." ***

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Sign

 

Chuckle 5471

 

Chuckle 5471Classic

 

Chuckle 1018

(Dean O of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

 

 ~One Last Fling~ ( Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and  Sign )

 (Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

 I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

 There was only one little thing bothering me-her beautiful younger sister.

 My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

 One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

 Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

 I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

 I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

 Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!" 

 And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!

***

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

 

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Chuckle 5470

 

Chuckle 5470

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR)

Received in Mar. 2018

~Good Bad and Ugly ~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign)

Good : Your wife is pregnant.
Bad : It's triplets.
Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years. ago

Good : Your wife's not talking to you
Bad : She wants a divorce.
Ugly : She's a lawyer.

Good : Your son is finally maturing.
Bad : He's involved with the women next door.
Ugly : So are you.

Good : Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly : You're in them.

Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.

Good : Your husband understands fashion.
Bad : He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly : He looks better than you.

Good : You just gave 'the birds and the bees' talk to your daughter.
Bad : She keeps interrupting.
Ugly : With corrections.

Good : Your son is dating someone new.
Bad : It's another man.
Ugly : He's your best friend.

Good : Your daughter got a new job.
Bad : As a hooker.
Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly : She makes more money than you do

 

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

 

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Chuckle 5469

 

Chuckle 5469

Chuckle 1065

(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks!)

 ~Cross-Examination~ (2^nd time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Aunty Acid and 6 Differences.)

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. 

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.  The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility.... 

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?" 

A: "No sir.  But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away." 

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?" 

A: "The officer who responded to the scene." 

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.  Do you trust your fellow officers?" 

A: "Yes, sir.  With my life." 

Q: "With your life?  Let me ask you this then officer.  Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?" 

A: "Yes sir, we do!" 

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?" 

A: "Yes sir, I do." 

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?" 

A: "Yes sir." 

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?" 

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room." 

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. 

The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win. *** 

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Chuckle 5468

 

Chuckle 5468 Classic

Chuckle 3695

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Ron J of Florence OR)

~Don’t Despair~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman!)

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

"What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."

 

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horohttp://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

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Chuckle 5467

 

Chuckle 5467

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR.)

~Job Offer~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign)

A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter you’ll have to drive around in his 2019 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . You started it!"

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 (Today in History Click)

http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Chuckle 5466

 

Chuckle 5466

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR)

~Walking the Dog~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and  6 Diff’s )

A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco .

Unexpectedly,  the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way.

The flight  attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50  minutes.

Everybody  got off the plane except one lady who was  blind.

A man had  noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her guide dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her  throughout the entire flight.

He could  also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in  Sacramento for almost an hour.  Would you like to get off and  stretch your legs?"

The blind lady said, "No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his  legs."

Picture  this:

All the  people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked  up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a guide dog for the  blind!  Even worse, the pilot was wearing  sunglasses! People  scattered.  They not only tried to change planes, but they were  trying to change airlines! True story  .... Have a  great day and remember .....

THINGS  AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR. A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER  IS A DAY WASTED.

 

 

 

 

 

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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6 Diff’s

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 5465

 

Chuckle 5465

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Nancy of Sun City AZ)

~Puns For the Pandemic ~      Grooning  Appoved  & Tested - people have nothing better to do now. ( Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and  Herman )

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

In democracy your vote counts.
In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

 

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

 

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 Herman

Chuckle 5464

 Chuckle 5464

 (Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Bev of Mt Vernon WA)

~Marriage is sharing ~ ( Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and  Sign ) The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife .   He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.' Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?' She answered (Continue below) 'THE TEETH.'

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

 

 

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Chuckle 5464

 

Chuckle 5464 Classic

Chuckle 2413

(Mac M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Golf Chuckle~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

 

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers,   "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"

 

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay" And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.

Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."

 

 

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Quiz for People Who Know Everything from Bev L

 

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

 Answers to 7 and 8

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar: Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

 

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh: Lettuce.

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(Have a great day)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 5463

 

Chuckle 5463

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Nancy in Sun City ZA)

Air Show Disaster at West SWICK'S ISLAND  PARK , BELLEVILLE , ONTARIO , CANADA.
 
~AIRCRAFT HITS FOUR BUILDINGS ~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign )

This is tough to see. It just shows the dangers of attending these events.

 Amazing photo below shows great detail. 

The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft. 
It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings. 
 
One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.

 

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 No one   was  killed, but it probably scared the crap out of them.

 Stop laughing send it to someone else who needs a good laugh.

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Have a nice day:

 

Chuckle 5462

 

Chuckle 5462 Classic

Chuckle 2412

(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks.)

Frozen crabs

 

~Frozen Crabs~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

 

A man boarded an airplane at Coolangatta with a box of frozen Crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.Shortly before landing in Sydney, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the Gentleman who gave me the crabs on the Gold Coast, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... So she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Men never learn.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.

 

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

 

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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 5461

 

Chuckle 5461 Classic

Chuckle 2411

(Audrey N of Applegate CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)

 ~How to Start a Fight~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Herman.)

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.....

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My wife and I were watching “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started...

 

 

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Chuckle 5460

 

Chuckle 5460 Classic

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Linda M of Eugene OR)

Chuckle 2409 (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and  6 Diff’s )

An Admiral’s Cap

 

~WALMART SENIOR GREETER ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Charlie, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.  But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, and sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

"Charlie, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but you're being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player.  That's what I like to hear. It's odd though you're coming in late.  I know you're retired from the Navy.  What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, 'Good morning, Admiral.  Can I get you some coffee, sir?'"

 

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope

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