Chuckle5499

 

Chuckle 5499

 Chuckle 684 sent out in May 2005

(Sunny Mary in Los Osos CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)

 

 

~Another Blonde Chuckle~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign)

 A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.  The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" 

 "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" 

 "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I have two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble." 

 "I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went. 

 Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. 

 With a screech of brakes, he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo." 

 "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money leftover---so now we're going to Sea World". 

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 (Today in History Click)

http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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See if you can solve this puzzle! Answer tomorrow…

 

Chuckle5498

 

Chuckle 5498

 (Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Bev in Mt, Vernon WA)

~A Message From  A Dear Friend ~( Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and  6 Diff’s )

Lay down what's bothering you, breathe in the fresh air and LISTEN to this story.

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.  I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

 

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

When you have stopped laughing be sure to forward this on to others who would enjoy a good story.

 

 

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

 

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Chuckle 5497

 

Chuckle 5497

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR)

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning . The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.

 The husband said, 'Who was that?'

 The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.' 
 
SECOND DEGREE
 Two blondes are walking down the street.
One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.  She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
 The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
 The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
 
 
THIRD DEGREE
 A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
 
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun and, as she does so, she is overcome with grief.  She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
 
 The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
 The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
 
 
FOURTH DEGREE
 A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'
 A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?'
 The blonde replies, ‘OH, that's easy . It's W.'
 

 

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

 

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Herman

 

Chuckle 5496

 

Chuckle 5496

Note from Bill P: Received call from SSA informing me of a problem, and if I don't respond they are closing my account! This is a scam!

The SSA will never call you on the phone! Be wary!

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Chuckle 809

(Pat M of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks!)

~Only In America~ 2^nd time around 

Plus Word for the day and 6 Differences.

 Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 

 Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. ! 

 Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 

 Only in America.....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 

 Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.  Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 

 Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.  

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 (Today in History Click)

http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Chuckle 5495

 

Chuckle 5495

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Sheila M of Florence OR)

 

~A few new ones~ ( Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and  6 Diff’s)

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

 

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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

 

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I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself.."

And that's when the fight started.....

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Chuckle 5494

 

Chuckle 5494

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Nancy in Sun City AZ)

~Scotch with two drops of water~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign)

 A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, " I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today. "

 The bartender says, " Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me. "

 As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, " I would like to buy you a drink, too. "

 The old woman says, " Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water. " Coming up, " says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, " I would like to buy you one, too. "

 The old woman says, " Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water. "" Coming right up, " the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, " Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water? "

The old woman replies, " Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue. "

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Chuckle 5493

 

Chuckle 5493 Classic

 Chuckle 804 (Sent out in Sept 2005)

(Today’s chuckle thanks go to Jayne C in Florence OR!)

 

 

 

~Nuns Plight~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Herman)

 

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom.   After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out.   Now, how about that drink? ***

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Word of the Day for Wednesday September 14, 2005

afflatus \uh-FLAY-tuhs\, noun:
A divine imparting of knowledge; inspiration.

Whatever happened to passion and vision and the divine afflatus in poetry?
--Clive Hicks, "From 'Green Man' (Ronsdale)," Toronto Star, November 21, 1999

Aristophanes must have eclipsed them . . . by the exhibition of some diviner faculty, some higher spiritual afflatus.
--John Addington Symonds, Studies of the Greek Poets

The miraculous spring that nourished Homer's afflatus seems out of reach of today's writers, whose desperate yearning for inspiration only indicates the coming of an age of "exhaustion."
--Benzi Zhang, "Paradox of origin(ality)," Studies in Short Fiction, March 22, 1995

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Herman

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 5492

 

Chuckle 5492 Classic

Chuckle 802

(Dean O of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

Note; I haven’t received any chuckles from a some of you in

a long time now, come on folks I need some help here!

                                                                    ---Jerry---

 
                                                                      

 

~Have a Beer~ Plus Word for the Day.

 

Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section.  One asks the other if she would like a beer.  The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would be queezy about purchasing it.  The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said that it was for
washing their hair.

The cashier without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzels in the bag with the beer saying,” Here, don't forget the curlers."

 

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Just for Keith K

Word of the Day for Monday September 12, 2005

ostentation \os-ten-TAY-shuhn\, noun:
Excessive or pretentious display; boastful showiness.

In a city where the wealthy are known for ostentation, many are now buying low-profile economy cars to fool kidnappers and thieves.
--Anthony Faiola, "Brazil's Elites Fly Above Their Fears," Washington Post, June 1, 2002

After his marriage, when Francis finally had enough money to indulge his tastes, his extravagance and ostentation in matters of dress frequently occasioned comment.
--Lisa Jardine and Alan Stewart, Hostage to Fortune

It is too early to probe the cause or say how far the staggering ostentation of the wealthy fomented the sullen disaffection of the poor.
--Stephen McKenna, Sonia

 

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For Dee K.

 

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 5491

 

Chuckle 5491 Classic

Chuckle 665 sent out in 2005

(Nadine in Carpinteria gets today's chuckle thanks!)

 

~Life Before The Computer ~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign)

   Memory was something you lost with age

   An application was for employment

   A program was a TV show

   A cursor used profanity

 

   A keyboard was a piano

   A web was a spider's home

   A virus was the flu

   A CD was a bank account

   A hard drive was a long trip on the road

   A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

   And if you had a 3-1/2 inch floppy...

   ... you just hoped nobody ever found out

After installing her new computer Nadine was tempted to use the suggestion indicated by this picture!

 

 

 

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

 

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Chuckle 5490

 

Chuckle 5490

 (Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Nancy in Sun City AZ)

~ Best Smart Ass Answers~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and 6 Diffs)

SMART ASS ANSWER #3   

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.   
The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'     
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.   

SMART ASS ANSWER #2   

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.     
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'   
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'   

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SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR   

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.   
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'   
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'   
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.' 
  

 

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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6 diff’s

 

Chuckle5489

 

Chuckle 5489 Classic

Chuckle 663  Sent out in 2005

(Sunny Mary in Los Osos CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)

 ~Body Tech~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign )

 Three women -- one German, one Japanese and a Hillbilly -- were sitting naked in a sauna.  Suddenly there was a beeping sound.

The German pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly.  "That was my pager," she said. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese women lifted her palm to her ear.  When she finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone.  I have a microchip in my hand."

The hillbilly woman felt decidedly low tech.  Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive.

She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.  She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The hillbilly woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that. I'm gettin' a fax." 

 

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

 

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