Chuckle 5602

Chuckle 5602 Classic Chuckle 728 (Dean O of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!) ~Women's Terminology ~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and 6 Diff’s) ___________________________________________________________________________ FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. _____________________________________________________________________________ FIVE MINUTES If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. _______________________________________________________________________________ NOTHING This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with ' Nothing' usually end in "Fine" __________________________________________________________________________________ GO AHEAD This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it. ____________________________________________________________________________________ LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing" ________________________________________________________________________________________ THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. _________________________________________________________________________________________ THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome. _____________________________________________________________________________________ Whatever A woman's way of saying #$%@ YOU! ___________________________________________________________________________________ Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology! And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh _________________________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history ------------------------------------------------------------ (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day ----------------------------------------------------------- (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/ __________________________________________________________________________

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Chuckle 5601

Chuckle 5601 Classic Chuckle 727 sent out in June 2005 (Bev L in Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!) _________________________________________________________________________________________ ~The Ten Commandments in Cajun... (Keeps it REAL Simple)~ ( Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign ) 1. God is number one... and das' All. 2. Don't pray to nuttin' or nobody... jus' God. 3. Don't cuss nobody... 'specially da Good Lord. 4. When it be Sunday... pass yo'self by the church house. 5. Yo mama an' yo daddy dun did it all... lissen to dem. 6. Killin' duck an' fish, das' OK... people - No! 7. God done give you a wife... sleep wit' jus' her. 8. Don't take nobody's boat... or nuttin' else. 9. Don't go wantin' somebody's stuff. 10. Stop lyin'... yo tongue gonna fall out yo mouf! ______________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/ ______________________________________________________________________________

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Chuckle 5600

Chuckle 5600 Classic Chuckle 726 (George H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!) ~20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity~ 1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. 2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. 3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in." 5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors". Do this even for the utility company payments! 7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy." 8. Don't use any punctuation 9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk. 10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer. 11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 12. Sing along at the opera. 13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme 14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day. 15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. 16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, rock hard. 17. When the money comes out the atm, scream "i won!, i won!" 18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “run for your lives, they're loose!!" 19. Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go. "and the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity...... 20. Send this-email to someone to make them smile. It’s called therapy. __________________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/ ________________________________________________________________

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Chuckle 5599

Chuckle 5599 Classic Chuckle 725 (Phyllis H in Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks!) ~Grandma's Birth Control~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Herman) A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor looked through the list, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks... And believe me; it helps me sleep at night!" ______________________________________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/ ________________________________________________________________________________

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Chuckle 5598

Chuckle 5598 Classic Chuckle 724 Sent in 2005 (Gary in La Habra CA gets today's chuckle thanks!) ~Do You Know Me? ~ 2nd time around (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign) Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer...... In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand-motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked," Mrs. Jones, Do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't got the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you. The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Do you know the Defense Attorney?" She again replied, "Why yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them being your wife. Yes, I know him. The defense attorney almost died. The Judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards ask her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail" ________________________________________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/ __________________________________________________________________________________

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Chuckle 5597

Chuckle 5597Classic Chuckle 723 sent out in June 2005 (Dick L in Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!) ~A Rooster Named Ralph~ Plus 6 differences A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Ralph. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Ralph the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Ralph The farmer takes Ralph home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money." Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle. Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Ralph takes off like a shot. WHAM! Ralph nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Ralph is in there. Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Ralph out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Ralph on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ralph, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh! They're getting closer." ___________________________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/ ______________________________________________________________________

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Chuckle 5596

Chuckle 5596 Classic Chuckle 722 sent out in June of 2005 (Mary S form Los Osos CA gets today's chuckle thanks!) ________________________________________________________________________ ~Small White Dot~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign) A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was. "It's a period," he replied. "I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a period?" "Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was missing one. Mommy fainted, daddy had a heart attack and the boy next door joined the Navy."- _________________________________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/ _____________________________________________________________________________

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Chuckle 5595

Chuckle 5595 Classic Chuckle 721 (Today's chuckle thanks go to Rick R in Surrey BC!) ~Girls Night with New Twist~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign ) The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNITE!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight".! He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted." _____________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/ _____________________________________________________

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Chuckle 5594

Chuckle 5594 (Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Phyllis S in Pasadena CA) ~Just for Laughs~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Herman) Where do bees go on vacation? Stingapore. What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato. What kind of dog can tell time? A watch dog. Why did the apple turn over? It saw the jelly roll. Why did the left shoe marry the right shoe? Because they were sole mates. And now this... If anyone wants any chiropractic magazines, let me know. I have back issues. And the quote of the day... When nothing is going right, go left. _________________________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/ ______________________________________________________________

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Chuckle 5593

Chuckle 5593 (Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Laura M of Florence OR) This person had a great start in life, an early exotic present. Mr. Allen Swift: Born - 1908, Died - 2010 This man owned and drove the same car for 82 years. Can you imagine even having the same car for 82 years ? Mr. Allen Swift (Springfield, Massachusetts) received this 1928 Rolls-Royce Piccadilly-P1 Roadster from his father, brand new - as a graduation gift in 1928. He drove it up until his death... At the age of 102. He was the oldest living owner of a car that was purchased new. Just thought you'd like to see it.

Rolls Royce Phantom I 1928 It was donated to a Springfield museum after his death. It has 1,070,000 miles on it, still runs like a Swiss watch, dead silent at any speed and is in perfect cosmetic condition. 82 years - That's approximately 13,048 miles per year (1087 per month). 1,070,000 that's miles not kilometers. (That’s 1,721998 Kilometers.) That's British engineering of a bygone era. I don't think they make them like this anymore. ____________________________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/ ___________________________________________________________________

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Chuckle 5592

Chuckle 5592 Classic Chuckle 720 (Frank C in Florence OR told me this chuckle and hopefully I will be able to repeat it correctly. Thanks Frank!) ~Fast Chicken~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and 6 Diff’s ) A man was driving along a country road when out of the corner of his eye he saw a chicken coming along side and passed him. He looked at the speedometer and clocked the bird at thirty-five; he sped up to catch and pass it and noticed that the chicken had three legs. Again he passes the bird at forty miles per hour. Once more the three legged chicken made his move and passed the car, but this time ran up a private road to a farm house. The man decided to follow the bird and find out about him. As he went up the road to the farm house he saw a man near the barn and drove over and asked the him if that was his chicken. “Yes that’s our chicken, we breed them like that, you see we really like drum sticks at dinner.” said the farmer. “How do they taste?” asked the man. “Don’t know” said the farmer,” Haven’t been able to catch one yet” ______________________________________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscop _____________________________________________________________________________

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Chuckle 5591

Chuckle 5591 Classic Chuckle 718 Sent out in 2005 (Charlotte P in Reedsport OR gets today's chuckle thanks!) ~Redneck Engineers~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign ) Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took the measurement and said, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Junior shook his head and laughed, “Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We asked for the height, and she gives us the length. ____________________________________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope _______________________________________________________________________

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Chuckle 5590

Chuckle 5590 Classic Chuckle 717 sent out in June 2005 (George H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks for this new chuckle!) ~Friendly Golf Game~ Plus 6 differences Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish People for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon, the Prime Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders or their representatives to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholics and the Jews. The Pope then met with his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal. "Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world." The Pope thought about this and since he had never held a golf club in his life asked "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" "None who plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, “There is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we will also win the match." Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The call was made. Of course, Jack Nicklaus was honored and he agreed to play as a representative of the Pope. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "This is Cardinal Nicklaus... "I have some good news and some bad news, Holiness," said the golfer. "Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope. "Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I have played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous." "How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked. Nicklaus sighed "I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods." ________________________________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/ ________________________________________________________________________

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Chuckle 5589

Chuckle 5589 Classic Chuckle 716 June 2005 (Dean O of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!) ~Sheldon~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Herman) A man walks to 5th Avenue and 42nd Street during a downpour and manages to get a taxi immediately. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Sheldon." "Who?" "Sheldon Brown. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my cab being vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened like that to Sheldon every single time." "Well, no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody", stated the passenger. "Not Sheldon. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. Handsome and sophisticated? ....more than Cary Grant. He had a better body than Arnold in his prime." "He was something, huh?" "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out." "Wow, no wonder you remember him." "Well, I never actually met Sheldon." "Then how do you know so much about him?" "I married his widow." _________________________________________________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/ ______________________________________________________________________________________

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Chuckle 5588

Chuckle 5588 Classic Chuckle 715 June 2005 (Rich C in Yuma AZ gets today's chuckle thanks!) ~How Babies are Made~ ( Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Cartoon) Junior asks his dad, "Daddy, how was I born?" His dad sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway! Well, you see, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button. Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Male'! _______________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/ _____________________________________________________

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Chuckle 5587

Chuckle 5587 Classic Chuckle 714 sent out in 2005 (Today's chuckle thanks go to Marlene W of Florence OR!) ~My Forgetter Be Forgotten~ 2nd time around (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and 6 diff’s ) My forgetter's getting better, But my rememberer is broke To you that may seem funny But, to me, that is no joke For when I'm "here" I'm wondering If I really should be "there" And, when I try to think it through, I haven't got a prayer! Oft times I walk into a room, Say "what am I here for?" I wrack my brain, but all in vain! A zero is my score. At times I put something away where it is safe, but, Gee! The person it is safest from is, generally, me! When shopping I may see someone, Say "Hi" and have a chat, Then, when the person walks away I ask myself, "who was that?" Yes, my forgetter's getting better While my rememberer is broke, And it's driving me plumb crazy And that isn't any joke. CAN YOU RELATE? Please send this to everyone you know because I DON'T REMEMBER WHO I SENT THIS TO! ____________________________________________________________________________________

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Chuckle 5586

Chuckle 5586 Classic Chuckle 713 June 2005 (Retha A in Richland OR gets today's chuckle thanks!) ~My Kinda Marine~ Plus 6 differences ( Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign ) As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, a man in a U.S. Marine Corps uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. **************************************************** Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. ****************************************************** All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. ********************************************************** As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. ************************************************************************* "Excuse me, sir," she ask quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?" ***************************************************************** The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose, and that I was just about to make my selection for this flight. _____________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history _______________________________________________ (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day ______________________________________________ (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/ _________________________________________________

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Chuckle 5585

Chuckle 5585 Classic Chuckle 712 Sent out in June 2006 (Goldie C in Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!) ~Six Affairs~ Part 2 The Fourth Affair A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much; I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water." The Fifth Affair A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicT-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the man. "Four cents," the bartender replied. "Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business." The Sixth Affair Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I .. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!" "I know, my sweet one," whispered Becky, "let the poison work." _________________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/ _______________________________________________________

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Chuckle 5584

Chuckle 5584 (Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Nancy S in Sun City AZ) Most of our Generation of 60+ were HOME SCHOOLED in many ways. ~ Home Schooling~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign) 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 4. My father taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why." 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 7. My father taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." __________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/ __________________________________________________

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Chuckle 5583

Chuckle 5583 Classic Chuckle 711 [Goldie C (Who is a new member in our chuckle circle.) gets today's chuckle thanks!] ~Six Affairs Part 1~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and 6 diff’s) The First Affair A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!" The Second Affair There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!" The Third Affair A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's scaling. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!" ____________________________________________________________________

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Chuckle 5582

Chuckle 5582 Classic Chuckle 710 June 2005 (Chuckle thanks for today's chuckle goes to Shirley L in Chemainus BC!) ~Cute Blonde Chuckles~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign ) Note: For any of you blonde people who may take offence . . . just substitute for blonde the color of your choice!) GEOGRAPHY Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........and one blonde says to the other: “Which do you think is farther away...Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...???" CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?" SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!" KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!" BLONDE ON THE SUN A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!" THE BLONDE, THE DOG & THE OTHER DOG A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HelOOOooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs." _________________________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/ ______________________________________________________________

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