Wednesday, March 24, 2021

Chuckle 5622

Chuckle 5622 Classic Chuckle 3740 (Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR) ~Drinking in Prescott AZ~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and sign) Jerry was standing at the bar in Prescott, Arizona and this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to him and starts drinking a beer. Jerry asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?" He says "No, why the heck you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?" "No", Jerry said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little jerk. _____________________________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/ _______________________________________________________________________ Maxine
________________________________________________________________________

Tuesday, March 23, 2021

Chuckle 5621

Chuckle 5621 Classic Chuckle 296 (Sent out in April 2004) (Rick in Surrey BC gets today’s chuckle thanks!) ~Mexican Food~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 diff's) Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!" The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"! The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins!" ___________________________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/ __________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

Sunday, March 21, 2021

Chuckle 5620

Chuckle 5620 Classic Chuckle 3732 Classic Chuckle 295 (Sent out in April 2004) (Mary of Los Osos sent us today’s chuckle. Thanks Mary!) ~ The Blonde's New Present~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and Sign) A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband. "Hi hun," he says, "How do you like your new phone?" She replies, "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though." "What's that, baby?" asks the husband. "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?" _______________________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/ Maxine _____________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
Sign

Saturday, March 20, 2021

Chuckle 5619

Chuckle 5619 Classic Chuckle 164 (sent out in Nov. 2003) (Pat Mahoney of Florence, OR sent today’s chuckle to us. Thanks Pat.) ~Nair For Hard of Hearing Dog~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s Horoscope Maxine and Herman) My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub in its ears once a month. The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week!" ____________________________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/ ____________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________

Friday, March 19, 2021

Chuckle 5618

Chuckle 5618 Classic Chuckle 3728 (Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Ron S of West Lake OR) ~Lawn Mower~ Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s) A preacher was riding a bicycle down the street when he sees a boy with a lawn mower. The preacher said, "I need a lawn mower and you need a bike, so why don't we swap and they did. Later the boy was riding his bicycle down the street and saw the preacher pulling on the mower and couldn't get it to start. The boy said "If you cuss it, it'll start." The preacher said, "Son I'm a preacher. I forgot how to cuss years ago." The boy said "just keep pulling and it'll come back to you." ______________________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/ ________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________

Thursday, March 18, 2021

Chuckle 5617

Chuckle 5617 Classic Chuckle 3727 (Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR) ~I Met an Older Woman at a Bar~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman) I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night.' We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?' ______________________________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/ ____________________________________________________________________ Maxine
____________________________________________________________________ Herman

Wednesday, March 17, 2021

Chuckle 5616

Chuckle 5616 Classic Chuckle 3726 (sent out in Jan 2015) (Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR) ~Lion Tamer Try Outs~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and Sign) A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired Marine in his late sixties, and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history." "Here's your equipment --chair, whip and a gun." "Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. "I've never seen a display like that in my life." - He turns to the retired Marine and asks, "Can you top that?" The Marine says, "No problem, just get that lion outta there." This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm ______________________________________________________________ ((Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/ _______________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________

Tuesday, March 16, 2021

Chuckle 5615

Chuckle 5615 (Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Bev in Mt Vernon WA) 1. *AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence -----________________________________________________________________ 2. *WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.' ____________________________________________________________________ 3. *WHAT WAS PLAN B? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts. ________________________________________________________________________________ 4. *THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. __________________________________________________________________________________ 5. *DID I SAY THAT? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!' ____________________________________________________________________________________ 6. *ARE WE COMMUNICATING? A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!' _______________________________________________________________________________________ 7. *NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo...!!!) ________________________________________________________________________________________ 8. *THE GRAND FINALE! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer! *Now remember, these are all true stories and these people vote and most have children!* ______________________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/ _________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________

Sunday, March 14, 2021

Chuckle 5614 Classic

Chuckle 5614 Classic Chuckle 133 (Sent out in Oct 2003) (Thanks go to Sandy Jackson of Florence OR. for this chuckle.) ~Milk Bath~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman) A blond heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons instead?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I am going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath." The milkman said, "Do you want it Pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it in my eyes." _________________________________________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/840453 ________________________________________________________________________________ Maxine
________________________________________________________________________________ Herman

Saturday, March 13, 2021

Chuckle 5613

Chuckle 5613 (Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Bev L in Mt Vernon WA) ~A morning smile ~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign) An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to reopen a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000." Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic. Dr Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?" Dr Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth." Dr Young: 'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!" Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." Dr Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Dr Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Dr Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!" Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500" Dr Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Dr Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!" Dr Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill). Dr Young: "But this is only $10!" Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500." *Moral of story* -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer" *Remember:* Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off. ENJOY YOUR DAY!!! _______________________________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/ _________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________ Herman
__________________________________________________________________________________________

Friday, March 12, 2021

Chuckle 5612

Chuckle 5612 (Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Bev L in Mt. Vernon WA) ~Teacher Arrested At Pearson Airport ~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign) A high school teacher was arrested today at Toronto's Pearson Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a press conference, Premier Kathleen Wynne said she believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement. She did not identify the man, who has been charged by the OPP with carrying weapons of maths instruction. 'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Premier said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns"; but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle." When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Trudeau said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." Fellow Liberal colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by any Prime Minister _________________________________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/ ___________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________

Thursday, March 11, 2021

Chuckle 5611

Chuckle 5611 Classic (Today’s Chuckle thank go to Jane C of Florence OR Chuckle 3693 sent out in Nov 2014 ~Last of the Church Chuckles~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman) An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead! ~~~~~~~~~~~___________________________________________________________________~ A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.' ~~~~~~~~~~~_____________________________________________________________________~ A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem... A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.' __________________________________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history ____________________________________________________________________________ (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day _____________________________________________________________________________ (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/ ________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________ Herman

Wednesday, March 10, 2021

Chuckle 5610

Chuckle 5610 Classic Chuckle 755 (Rick in Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks!) ~The American Way~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and 6 Diff’s ) A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says: "Thank you Mr. American, for letting me in this country!" But the passerby says: "You are mistaken senor, I am Mexican." The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says: "I no American, I Vietnamese." The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says: "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hands almost defensively and says: "I am from Middle East, I am not an American!" He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously: "Are you an American?" She says: "No, I am from Russia!" So he is puzzled, and asks her: "Where are all the Americans?" The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs and says..."Probably at work." _____________________________________________________ Word of the Day for Wednesday July 27, 2005 volte-face \vawlt-FAHS; vawl-tuh-\, noun: An about-face; a reversal, as in policy or opinion. I was eventually eased out of the organisation, but not before British policy had performed a volte-face on Cyprus, the colony had gained independence, and yesterday's political wisdoms had suddenly been repudiated. --George Urban, Radio Free Europe and the Pursuit of Democracy In a sudden volte-face, he seemed to accept the agreement; then, when the besieged forces came out to embark, he had their barges held in port. --Richard Eder, "Just Wild About Horatio," New York Times, November 7, 1999 _____________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/ _____________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________

Tuesday, March 09, 2021

Chuckle 5609

Chuckle 5609 Classic Chuckle 754 sent out July of 2005 (Jayne in Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!) ~Cooking for Tom~ Plus Word for the Day MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to lend me some extra bowls TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper! WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any. THURSDAY: Tom asked for salad again today, so I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden. FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left. SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason, Tom keeps counting to ten. SUNDAY: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. Much to my disappointment, it still came out hamburger. GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom If I can talk Tom in to buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose. _____________________________________________________ Word of the Day for Tuesday July 26, 2005 indelible \in-DEL-uh-buhl\, adjective: 1. That cannot be removed, erased, or washed away. 2. Making marks that cannot easily be removed or erased. 3. Incapable of being forgotten; memorable. It was part of his image, indelible as the ink stains under the breast pocket. --Mark Childress, “Gone for Good” ______________________________________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/ __________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________

Sunday, March 07, 2021

Chuckle 5608

Chuckle 5608 Classic Chuckle 753 (Today's chuckle thanks go to Dean O in Florence OR!) Note; Happy birthday Carrie! ~Fast Car~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign ) A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck and she wanted a fast little sports car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. "Look!" she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!" He did just that. For her birthday he bought her a brand new bathroom scale. Nobody has seen or heard from him since. ________________________________________________________________________________ Word of the Day for Monday July 25, 2005 badinage \bad-n-AHZH\, noun: Light, playful talk; banter. Ken was determined to put the cares of the world behind him and do what he loved best -- having a few celebrity friends round and enjoying an evening of anecdote and badinage over a bottle or two of vintage bubbly and some tasty cheese straws. --Bel Littlejohn, "My moustache man," The Guardian, March 24, 2000 _________________________________________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/ __________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________

Saturday, March 06, 2021

Chuckle 5607

Chuckle 5607 Classic Chuckle 752 (Sunny Mary from Los Osos CA gets today's chuckle thanks!) ~Bakersfield, CA~ Plus word for the day. This is from a friend that was born in Needles, CA so she thought it fit that town, too. I think it might fit a lot of places right now!!! This pretty much describes Bakersfield the last couple of weeks!!!! YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN BAKERSFIELD IN JULY WHEN. . . . -The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground. -The trees are whistling for the dogs. -The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. -Hot water now comes out of both taps. -You can make sun tea instantly. -You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding irons. -The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly. -You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car. -You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window. -You actually burn your hand opening the car door. -You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. -Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?" -You realize that asphalt has a liquid state. -The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper. -Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs. -The cows are giving evaporated milk. Ah, what a place to call home. God Bless our city of Bakersfield. ______________________________________________________________________ Word of the Day for Sunday July 24, 2005 eke \EEK\, transitive verb: 1. To gain or supplement with great effort or difficulty -- used with 'out'. 2. To increase or make last by being economical -- used with 'out'. When the PRI unites around a candidate and the two opposition parties divide the rest of the vote, the ruling party can usually eke out a victory. --Mary Beth Sheridan, "PRI Wins Mexico State Governor's Race, but Loses Smaller Stronghold," Los Angeles Times, July 6, 1999 _______________________________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/ __________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________

Friday, March 05, 2021

Chuckle 5606

Chuckle 5606 Classic Chuckle 751 (George H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!) Note; A female basher! ~Frog in the Woods~ Plus 6 differences and word for the day. A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but there is a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your Husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an astonishing looking man whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is mine and what's his is mine!" So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like to have a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: WOMEN ARE CLEVER. DO NOT MESS WITH THEM!!! Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. Male readers: Please scroll down. * * * * * * * * * * * The man had a heart attack 10 times MILDER than his wife as per her final wish!!! Moral of the story: WOMEN THINK THEY ARE REALLY SMART!! Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show. PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!! _____________________________________________________ Word of the Day for Saturday July 23, 2005 regale \rih-GAY(uh)L\, transitive verb: 1. To entertain with something that delights. 2. To entertain sumptuously with fine food and drink. intransitive verb: To feast. noun: 1. A sumptuous feast. 2. A choice food; a delicacy. 3. Refreshment. If I've been away, and the boys do remember to ask about my trip, I remark on their thoughtfulness by saying, 'Thanks for asking!' and then regale them with stories about my journey. --Lucy Calkins, “Raising Lifelong Learners: A Parent's Guide” _____________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/ ______________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________

Thursday, March 04, 2021

Chuckle 5605

Chuckle 5605 Classic Chuckle 750 (Dick L in Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!) "Maxine on Towel Heads" Recently I received a warning about the use of this politically incorrect term, so please note, we all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words. I have been informed the Islamic terrorists, who hate our guts and want to kill us, do not like to be called "Towel Heads", since the item they wear on their heads is not actually a towel, but in fact, a small folded sheet. Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as "Little Sheet Heads." Thank you for your support and compliance on this delicate matter. And, God Bless America. _____________________________________________________________________________________ Word of the Day for Friday July 22, 2005 assuage (uh-SWAYJ), verb: 1. To make milder or less severe; to reduce the intensity of; to ease; to relieve. 2. To appease; to satisfy. 3. To soothe or calm; to pacify. His generosity toward a group of young graffiti writers was, perhaps, one way to assuage his guilt. --Phoebe Hoban, Basquiat: “A Quick Killing in Art” __________________________________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/ _______________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________

Wednesday, March 03, 2021

Chuckle 5604

Chuckle 5604 Classic Chuckle 749 (Bev L in Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!) ___________________________________________________ ~Outside the Pearly Gates~ ____________________________________________________________________________ On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer. Two months pass and the couple are still waiting. So as they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?" After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?" ________________________________________________________________________________ Word of the Day for Thursday July 21, 2005 ennui \on-WEE\, noun: A feeling of weariness and dissatisfaction arising from lack of interest; boredom. He glanced at his heavily laden bookshelves. Nothing there appealed to him. The ennui seemed to have settled into his very bones. --Amanda Quick, With This Ring _____________________________________________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history ___________________________________________________________________________________ (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day _____________________________________________________________________________ (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/ __________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________ <

Tuesday, March 02, 2021

Chuckle 5603

Chuckle 5603 Classic Chuckle 746 (Rick in Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks!) ~The Truth Comes Out~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign) A college student challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said loud enough for the everyone to hear. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing...and .uh...” Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, “You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them, you little twit! What the hell are you doing for the next generation??" ________________________________________________ Let’s build our vocabulary. Word of the Day for Monday July 18, 2005 ersatz \AIR-sahts; UR-sats\, adjective: Being a substitute or imitation, usually an inferior one. Meanwhile, a poor copy was erected in the courtyard; many an unsuspecting traveler paid homage to that ersatz masterpiece. --Edith Pearlman, "Girl and Marble Boy," The Atlantic, December 29, 1999 ___________________________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history ________________________________________________________________ (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day _________________________________________________________________ (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/ _______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________