Chuckle 967

Chuckle 967
(Dick L of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2006~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky...not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006 - We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration. ***

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Word of the Day for Tuesday February 28, 2006

scion \SY-uhn\, noun:1. A detached shoot or twig of a plant used for grafting.2. Hence, a descendant; an heir.

Convinced he was the scion of Louis Alexandre Lebris de Kerouac, a noble Breton, he was off to do genealogical research in the Paris libraries and then to locate his ancestor's hometown in Brittany.-- Ellis Amburn, Subterranean Kerouac

Sassoon, scion of a famously wealthy Jewish banking family, had never needed to earn his living.-- Philip Hoare, Oscar Wilde's Last Stand

Gates is the scion of an old, affluent Seattle family; Jobs is the adopted son of a machinist in Northern California.-- "Steve Jobs, Hesitant Co-Founder, Makes New Commitment to Apple," New York Times, August 7, 1997

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Chuckle 966

Chuckle 966
(George H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Motel Stay ~ (2nd time around.)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded with a proprietor.

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy" admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.

“No problem." the tired Army guy assured him, "I'll take it."

The next morning the soldier came down to breakfasts bright-eyed and bushy tailed.

"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better", said the soldier.

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring all night long?"

"No, I shut him up in no time", explained the soldier.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the proprietor.

"Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek" explained the soldier. "Then, I whispered in his ear 'Good night beautiful', and he sat up all night watching me." ***

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Word of the Day for Monday February 27, 2006

posit \POZ-it\, transitive verb:1. To assume as real or conceded.2. To propose as an explanation; to suggest.3. To dispose or set firmly or fixedly.

It is not necessary to posit mysterious forces to explain coincidences.-- Bruce Martin, "Coincidences: Remarkable or Random?," Skeptical Inquirer, September/October 1998

Among other things, the researchers posit that the behavior of the muscles during laughter probably explains why phrases like "weak with laughter" pops up in many different languages.--
"How Muscles Can Go Weak With Laughter," New York Times, September 14, 1999

Some scientists subscribe to this "catastrophic" view of evolutionary history and posit such events as meteoritic collisions with earth, viral epidemics, and explosive evolutionary changes as responsible for species extinctions in the past.-- Noel T. Boaz Ph.D., Eco Homo
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Find the 6 differences, answers below.

Chuckle 965

Chuckle 965
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Golfing for Nuns~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet, as the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the putt, didn't you?" ***

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Word of the Day for Sunday February 26, 2006

apothegm \AP-uh-them\, noun:A short, witty, and instructive saying.

Nineteen Eighty-four the most contemporary novel of this year and who knows of how many past and to come, is a great examination into and dramatization of Lord Acton's famous apothegm, "Power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely."-- Mark Schorer, "When Newspeak Was New," New York Times, October 6, 1996

The rare talent of compressing a mass of profound thought into an apophthegm.-- Henry Hart Milman, The History of Latin Christianity

The admirable Hebrew apophthegm, Learn to say I do not know.-- Frederic Farrar, Life of St.
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Chuckle 964

Chuckle 964
(Retha A of Richland OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~How to Stay Young~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, and 6 Differences.)

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (keep this In mind if you are one of those grouches;)

3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and Lots of time with HIM/HER.

6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is our self. LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, and hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge...

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. ***

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Word of the Day for Saturday February 25, 2006

cogent \KOH-juhnt\, adjective:Having the power to compel conviction; appealing to the mind or to reason; convincing.

One woman, Adrian Pomerantz, was so intelligent that the professors always lit up when Adrian spoke; her eloquent, cogent analyses forced them not to be lazy, not to repeat themselves.-- Meg Wolitzer, Surrender, Dorothy

I suggested to the student that she take her refusal as the theme of her term paper and ponder it as carefully as possible. A few weeks later she submitted one of the most cogent, intelligent papers I have read.-- Denis Donoghue, The Practice of Reading
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Find the 6 differences, answers below.

Chuckle 963

Chuckle 963
(Bev L of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Red Hat~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,

"Pardon me, madam.

I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady.

"I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,

"Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old.

I just bought this hat yesterday!"

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Word of the Day for Friday February 24, 2006
munificent \myoo-NIF-i-suhnt\, adjective:Very liberal in giving or bestowing; very generous; lavish.

Another munificent friend has given me the most splendid reclining chair conceivable.-- George Eliot, Letters

The fleeting movement of air inside the black tunnel before and after the passage of a train made it a source of refreshment more munificent than a roaring window air conditioner.-- Norma Field, From My Grandmother's Bedside: Sketches of Postwar Tokyo

John Sr.'s paycheck, while hardly munificent, was steady, and frugality did the rest.
-- Sylvia Nasar, A Beautiful Mind

Chuckle 962

Chuckle 962
(Short chuckle thanks go to Dean O of Florence OR,
Phyllis S of Pasadena CA and Rich W of Scotts Valley CA)


~Short Chuckles~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences)

~What a coincidence ~ (From Dean)

A man sat at a local bar and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."

"What a coincidence," said the woman next to him. "I'm celebrating, too" she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?"

"I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"What a coincidence," the woman said, "for my husband and I have been trying to have a child". Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.

"I switched roosters," he replied.

"What a coincidence," she said. ***
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~Just Love Those Nuns~ (From Phyllis)

Mother Superior called all the Nuns together one evening and said to them: "I must tell you all something. We have a case of Gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly Nun at the back. "I'm so sick of Chardonnay." ***
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~Church Service~ (From Rich)

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says, “I just had a silent fart what do you think I should do?" He replies “Put a new battery in your hearing aid." ***
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Word of the Day for Thursday February 23, 2006

alacrity \uh-LACK-ruh-tee\, noun:A cheerful or eager readiness or willingness, often manifested by brisk, lively action or promptness in response.

As for his homemade meatloaf sandwich with green tomato ketchup, a condiment he developed while working in New York, I devoured it with an alacrity unbecoming in someone who gets paid to taste carefully.-- R.W. Apple Jr., "Southern Tastes, Worldly Memories," New York Times, April 26, 2000

Arranged in long ranks, ten-, twelve-, or thirteen-year-old girls, pale and hollow-eyed, their pinned-back hair sprouting tendrils limp with perspiration, operated the machinery with such alacrity that arms and hands were a flying blur.-- Patricia Albers, Shadows, Fire, Snow: The Life of Tina Modotti

So, I am sure that I was thrilled when I got the letter offering me the fellowship and equally sure that I wrote back to accept with alacrity.-- Joan L. Richards, Angles of Reflection
Never was a sinking ship abandoned with such alacrity and unanimity, never was an experiment condemned so conclusively.-- Ernest Gellner, The End of Utopia by Russell Jacoby
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Find the 6 differences, answers below.

Chuckle 961

Chuckle 961
(Today's chuckle thanks go to GGBG of Florence!)
Note: You can’t help laughing out loud at this one. ---Jerry---


~Here Kitty, Kitty~
(Plus Today in History and Word for the Day)

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it." "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs.

She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done- that" paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter... and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all.

A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew!

Why is it that only the women laugh at this? ***


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Word of the Day for Wednesday February 22, 2006

salutary \SAL-yuh-ter-ee\, adjective:1. Producing or contributing to a beneficial effect; beneficial; advantageous.2. Wholesome; healthful; promoting health.

Alexis de Tocqueville famously observed during his sojourn in this country that America was teeming with such associations -- charities, choral groups, church study groups, book clubs -- and that they had a remarkably salutary effect on society, turning selfish individuals into public-spirited citizens.-- Fareed Zakaria, "Bigger Than the Family, Smaller Than the State," New York Times, August 13, 1995

Surviving a near-death experience has the salutary effect of concentrating the mind.-- Kenneth T. Walsh and Roger Simon, "Bush turns the tide," U.S. News, February 28, 2000

And they washed it all down with sharp red wines, moderate amounts of which are known to be salutary.-- Rod Usher, "The Fat of the Land," Time Europe, January 8, 2000
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Chuckle 960

Chuckle 960
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Dean O of Florence OR!)


~Boudreaux & De Snake~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outta night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wita big frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decides to steal dat froggie.

Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin, so Boudreaux had to be real careful or he git bited. He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free. But Boudreaux, him hada real good grip on his haid, yeh.

Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a Tennessee hillbilly moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snakes mouf.

Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp.

Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou, den he goes back to fish'n.

A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe.

He slowly look down and dere be dat dang cotton moufed water moccasin.............................................. wif two more frogs!!! ***

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Word of the Day for Tuesday February 21, 2006

jovial \JOH-vee-uhl\, adjective:Merry; joyous; jolly; characterized by mirth or jollity.

One pupil of the sixteen-year-old Custer remembered him as "socially inclined," jovial, and full of life.-- Louise Barnett, Touched by Fire

The Puritans took a dim view of the jovial, amiable cleric who liked to have a pot of ale at one of Purleigh's pubs.-- Willard Sterne Randall, George Washington: A Life

He smiled, joked and at times seemed downright jovial.-- "Piazza Booed Again (Till He Homers)," New York Times, August 22, 1998
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Find the 6 differences, answers below.

Chuckle 959

Chuckle 959
(Rich C of Yuma AZ gets today's chuckle thanks!)



~MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT!!!~
(Plus: Word for the Day and Today in History)

Maxine on "Driver Safety"
"I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.".......

Maxine on "Life"
"Life is like an oven. It burns my a**!"

Maxine on "Housework"
"I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."

Maxine on "Lawn Care"
"The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."

Maxine on "The Perfect Man" "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."

Maxine on "Technology Revolution"
"My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."

Maxine on "Aging"
"Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."

"I'm telling you ... she's the perfect candidate."

Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.

If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.

The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos? Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere, you may be dead.
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If you don't forward this to ten of your friends within the next five minutes, your belly button will fall off. Really... it's true! Have I ever lied to you?

So don't forget, November 2008: VOTE FOR MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. There's no one better for the job!!!

MAXINE HAS MY VOTE!!!! ***

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Word of the Day for Monday February 20, 2006

titivate \TIT-uh-vayt\, transitive and intransitive verb:To smarten up; to spruce up.

It's easy to laugh at a book in which the heroine's husband says to her, "You look beautiful," and then adds, "So stop titivating yourself."-- Joyce Cohen, "review of To Be the Best, by Barbara Taylor Bradford," New York Times, July 31, 1988

In The Idle Class, when Chaplin is titivating in a hotel room, the cloth on his dressing table rides up and down, caught in the same furious gusts.-- Peter Conrad, Modern Times, Modern Places

Chuckle 958

Chuckle 958
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Frank~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just
going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says,
"Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"

Cabbie: "There's more"......."He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out."

Passenger. "Wow, some bloke then"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them."

Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."


Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."


Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his effing widow." ***

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Word of the Day for Sunday February 19, 2006

probity \PRO-buh-tee\, noun:Complete and confirmed integrity; uprightness.

Unless some light is shed on shady dealings and some probity restored, more young lives will be blighted and careers choked off.-- Norman Lebrecht, Who Killed Classical Music?

To suggest that this exemplar of financial probity was enriching himself at public expense was to shake the very foundations of the new Republic.-- William Safire, Scandalmonger
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Find the 6 Differences. Answers below.

Chuckle 957

Chuckle 957
(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Doctors’ Notes~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA ***

Note: There is another page of “Doctor Notes”, if you want to read them let me know and I will email a copy to you. ---Jerry---

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Word of the Day for Saturday February 18, 2006

canard \kuh-NAHRD\, noun:1. An unfounded, false, or fabricated report or story.2. A horizontal control and stabilizing surface mounted forward of the main wing of an aircraft.3. An aircraft whose horizontal stabilizer is mounted forward of the main wing.

This is just a canard that is assumed to be true because it has been repeated so often.-- Bruce Bartlett, "Lower Taxes Higher Revenue?," National Review, March 13, 2003

Loath as I am to resurrect the old canard accusing writers or critics who dislike a popular work of art of being jealous, in Byatt's case, it might be true.-- Charles Taylor, "quoted in Rowling books 'for people with stunted imaginations," The Guardian, July 11, 2003

Several students say they still believe the canard that no Americans died in Bali -- in fact, six did.-- Phil Zabriskie, "Did You Hear...?," Time Asia, February 1, 2003

Whether this was true (which seems improbable) or was one of Lawrence's numerous canards (which seems very possible), it appears that Father did intend to strike camp at some time.-- Douglas Botting, Gerald Durrell: The Authorized Biography

Chuckle 956

Chuckle 956
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Bev L of Florence OR.)

The Iraqi Hockey Player
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences)

Toronto coach Pat Quinn sends scouts out around the world looking for a new centre to hopefully help win the Stanley Cup for Toronto. One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi centre who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. So, Pat flies to Iraq to watch him play, and is suitably impressed. He arranges for him to come over to Canada to play in the NHL for The Toronto Maple Leafs.

Two weeks later, Toronto is down 4-0 at home against Montreal, with only 8 minutes left. Pat gives the young Iraqi centre the nod to go on. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 8 minutes and wins the game for Toronto. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media love the new star.

When he comes off the ice, he phones his Mom to tell her about his first day in the NHL. "Hi Mom, guess what?" he says. "I played for 8 minutes today; we were down 4-0, but I scored 5 goals and we won. Everybody loves me: the fans, the players and the media, they all love me." "Great," says his mother, "let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time."

The young lad is very upset. "What can I say, Mom; I'm so sorry." "Sorry!" says mother, "It's your fault that we moved to Toronto in the first place!" ***



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Word of the Day for Friday February 17, 2006

imbue \im-BYOO\, transitive verb:1. To tinge or dye deeply; to cause to absorb thoroughly; as, "clothes thoroughly imbued with black."2. To instill profoundly; to cause to become impressed or penetrated.

Beauty is equal parts flesh and imagination: we imbue it with our dreams, saturate it with our longings.-- Nancy Etcoff, Survival of the Prettiest

Along with the rest of us he would certainly applaud attempts to imbue the young with the spirit of fair play.-- John Bryant, "Football should heed the Corinthian spirit," Times (London), February 17, 2000
He wanted to remake American cinema into a positive force for good, to imbue it with a transcendent sense of virtue and order.-- Thomas Doherty, Pre-Code Hollywood
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Find the 6 Differences, answers below.

Chuckle 955

Chuckle 955
(Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Mildred~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee. ***

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Word for the Day 2-16-2006

ki·bosh [ k bòsh, ki bósh ] (past and past participle ki·boshed, present participle ki·bosh·ing, 3rd person present singular ki·bosh·es)
transitive verb

Definitions:

stop something: to put a stop to something ( informal )
[Mid-19th century. Origin ?]

put the kibosh on something to prevent something from happening or from being successful (informal)

Chuckle 954

Chuckle 954
(Pam S of Roseville CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~The Spanish Computer~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 differences>)

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


(THIS GETS BETTER!)


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won! ***

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Word for the Day 2-15-2006

del·e·te·ri·ous [ dèllə tree əss ]
adjective

Definitions:

harmful: having a harmful or damaging effect on somebody or something
[Mid-17th century. Via medieval Latin < Greek dēlētērios "noxious"] del·e·te·ri·ous·lyadv del·e·te·ri·ous·nessn _______________________________________________________
Find the 6 differences, answers below.

Chuckle 953

Chuckle 953
(Dick L of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Farmer's Mule~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning til night (and sometimes later); she was always complaining about something.

The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.

He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump and began to eat his lunch.

Immediately, his wife began harassing him again.

Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head and killed her dead on the spot.

At the graveside several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale." ***

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Word of the Day for Tuesday February 14, 2006

spoony \SPOO-nee\, adjective:1. Foolish; silly; excessively sentimental.2. Foolishly or sentimentally in love.

Nevertheless, because we're spoony old things at heart, we like to believe that some showbiz marriages are different.-- Julie Burchill, "Cut!," The Guardian, February 7, 2001

So when your fervor cools, you think that this suddenly familiar and lusterless partner couldn't possibly be the one you're destined to be with; otherwise you'd still be all spoony, lovey-dovey and bewitched.-- John Dufresne, "What's So Hot About Passion?," Washington Post, February 9, 2003

We know they aren't doing it for love, otherwise it wouldn't take $50 million to sucker them into getting spoony for a construction worker.-- "Say it isn't so 'Joe'," USA Today, December 30, 2002
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Chuckle 952

Chuckle 952
(George H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Dead Mule in the Churchyard~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard He telephoned the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the Pastor to the Health Department. They explained, "Since there was no health threat, you'll need to call the Sanitation Department."

When the pastor called the Sanitation Department, the Manager of the Sanitation Department said, "I can't pick up that dead mule without authorization from the mayor."

The Pastor was not at all too eager to call the mayor, who possessed a very bad temper and was always extremely unpleasant and hard to deal with, but, eventually, the Pastor called him anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint the Pastor. The mayor immediately began to rant and rave. After his continued rant at the pastor, the mayor finally said, "Why did you call me? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"

The pastor paused for a brief prayer, and asked the Lord to direct his response. The Lord led the pastor to the words he was seeking, "WELL Yes, Mayor, it IS my job to bury the dead, BUT I always like to notify the next of kin first!" ***

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Word of the Day for Monday February 13, 2006

concupiscence \kon-KYOO-puh-suhn(t)s; kuhn-\, noun:Strong desire, especially sexual desire; lust.

The "Tretis" is an argument in favor of chastity and contrasts the "Wise Virgins" who devote themselves to God with the "Foolish Virgins" who taste "the fruits of forbidden concupiscence" and, of course, pay for it.-- Michael Gorra, "Loved for his Diphthongs," New York Times, November 27, 1983

Within three years Rorik's queen was dead, taking with her into silence her midnight cries of release from that captivity of concupiscence which Eve's curious sin has laid upon mankind.-- John Updike, Gertrude and Claudius
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Find the 6 Differences, see answers below.

Chuckle 951

Chuckle 951
(Mary S of Los Osos CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~ Computer Tech Support ~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong? Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right? Customer: Yeah.... Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using? Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen..... Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
---
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one.
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Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button? Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note. Customer: No, wait a minute. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry.
---
Tech support: Click on the 'My Computer' icon on the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left?
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Tech support: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello. I can't print. Tech support: Would you click on "Start" for me and... Customer: Listen pal, don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, darn it!
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Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer.' I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
---
Customer: I have problems printing in red. Tech support: Do you have a color printer? Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
---
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
---

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Word of the Day for Sunday February 12, 2006

eleemosynary \el-uh-MOS-uh-ner-ee\, adjective:1. Of or for charity; charitable; as, "an eleemosynary institution."2. Given in charity or alms; having the nature of alms; as, "eleemosynary assistance."3. Supported by charity; as, "eleemosynary poor."

We also need to revive the great eleemosynary institutions through which compassionate people serve those in need with both greater flexibility and discipline than government agencies are capable.-- Clifford F. Thies, "Bring back the bridewell," The World & I, September 1, 1995

An author ought to consider himself, not as a gentleman who keeps a private or eleemosynary treat, but rather as one who keeps a public ordinary, at which all persons are welcome for their money.-- Henry Fielding, Tom Jones

Like Hilda's "eleemosynary doves," these birds depend upon the Author's charity, require mothering, just as Hilda finds solace in the Virgin--"a child, lifting its tear-stained face to seek comfort from a Mother."-- John Dolis, "Domesticating Hawthorne: Home Is for the Birds," Criticism, Winter 2001

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Chuckle 950

Chuckle 950
(GGBG of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Funny Little Stories~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
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A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme?'" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired, puzzled in her turn.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get." ***

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Word of the Day for Saturday February 11, 2006

stertorous \STUR-tuh-ruhs\, adjective:Characterized by a heavy snoring or gasping sound; hoarsely breathing.

In the cinder-block motel room he set the alarm, but his own stertorous breathing woke him before it rang.-- E. Annie Proulx, "The Half-Skinned Steer," The Atlantic, November 1997

As pianist Dezso Ranki pounds and weaves at the keys, his breathing is at times so stertorous one could swear that someone in the audience is snoring.-- Josie Glausiusz, "Joining Hands," Discover, July 2000
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Find the 6 differences. Answers are below picture.

Chuckle 949

Chuckle 949
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Retha A of Richland OR!)

~Alligators~
(Plus: Word for the day and Today in History.)

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington, DC.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big 'gator, what you been eatin' boy?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.

"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"

"Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase. ***

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Word of the Day for Friday February 10, 2006

autodidact \aw-toh-DY-dakt\, noun:One who is self-taught.

He is our ultimate autodidact, a man who made himself from nothing into a lawyer, a legislator -- a president.-- Kevin Baker, "Log Cabin Values," New York Times, April 2, 2000

Consider the autodidact in Sartre's Nausea, who is somewhat unbelievably working his way alphabetically through an entire library.-- James Wood, "Human, All Too Inhuman," New Republic, July 24, 2000

Buck's prose is a lot better than you'd expect from a high-school dropout, but he turns out to be a reader and autodidact.-- Jonathan Yardley, "review of North Star over My Shoulder: A Flying Life, by Bob Buck," Washington Post, April 7, 2002

Chuckle 948

Chuckle 948
(Dean O of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Golden Years~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "Steve, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Steve replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight so he’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof the light goes on. When I'm done, poof the light goes off

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Steve's wife.

Ethel," he says, "Steve is doing fine. I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof the light goes off?"

"Oh my gosh!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!
***
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Word of the Day for Thursday February 9, 2006

deus ex machina \DAY-uhs-eks-MAH-kuh-nuh; -nah; -MAK-uh-nuh\, noun:1. In ancient Greek and Roman drama, a god introduced by means of a crane to unravel and resolve the plot.2. Any active agent who appears unexpectedly to solve an apparently insoluble difficulty.

In times of affluence and peace, with technology that always seems to arrive like a deus ex machina to solve any problem, it becomes easy to believe that life is perfectible.-- Stephanie Gutmann, The Kinder, Gentler Military

But we also need the possibility of cataclysm, so that, when situations seem hopeless, and beyond the power of any natural force to amend, we may still anticipate salvation from a messiah, a conquering hero, a deus ex machina, or some other agent with power to fracture the unsupportable and institute the unobtainable.-- Stephen Jay Gould, Questioning the Millennium
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Find the 6 differences

Chuckle 946

Chuckle 947
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Bev L of Florence OR!)


~Flat Tire~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

Here's one that was told to us at the bowling alley by Ron M.
---Bev---

A farmer is driving his truck filled with a load of manure past an insane asylum when he gets a flat tire. While fixing the flat, one of the inmates wanders over to the fence and asks the farmer what he's going to do with the manure. The farmer tells him he's going to spread it on his strawberries. To which the inmate replies, "And they call us crazy - we put whipped cream on ours" ***


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Word of the Day for Wednesday February 8, 2006

milieu \meel-YUH; meel-YOO\, noun;plural milieus or milieux:Environment; setting.

These were agricultural areas, populated with prosperous farming families and rural artisans -- a completely different milieu from the Monferrands', which was more closed, more cultured, but less affluent.-- Antoine de Baecque and Serge Toubiana, Truffaut

Half a century later, Zacarías still remembers . . how they all played together without distinctions or hierarchy, and how easily Ernesto related to people from different social and cultural milieux.-- Jorge G. Castaneda, Compañero

They write about their milieux, about where they live and work, and it can be fabulous.-- Leslie Schenk, "Celebrating Mavis Gallant," World Literature Today, Winter 1998

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Chuckle 946

Chuckle 946
(Marlene W of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Senior Funnies~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A little old lady is sitting on a park bench in Trailer Estates.
A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench.
After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"

He replies, "I used to live here years ago."

"So, where were you all these years?"

"In prison," he says.

"For what did they put you in prison?"

He looks at her, and very quietly says, "I killed my wife."

"Oh," says the woman. "......so you're single..."


====================================================

A little old man shuffled slowly into the "Orange Dipper”, an ice cream parlor, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked, "Crushed nuts?"

“No," he replied, "arthritis.''

=========================


When a woman wears leather Clothing, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees and he begins to think irrationally.

Ever wonder why?
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

Because she smells like a new truck.

===================================================

The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you'll grow out of it. ---Doris Day ***

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Word of the Day for Tuesday February 7, 2006

tendentious \ten-DEN-shuhs\, adjective:Marked by a strong tendency in favor of a particular point of view.

Most writing about Wagner has been like political pamphleteering--tendentious, one-sided and full of revisionist zeal.-- Erich Leinsdorf, "The Cruel Face of Genius," New York Times, May 15, 1988

Since I believe all novels are political, I certainly believe that it is possible for a novelist to admix deliberate political purpose and aesthetics, although there is certainly the danger, in the process, of making art that is tendentious . . and therefore not terribly artistically interesting.-- Rick Moody, "quoted in Politics and the Novel: A Symposium," Los Angeles Times, August 13, 2000

All types of social disagreements seem to be routed almost inexorably into the tendentious jargon and intellectually impoverished categories of legal reasoning, until everyone from Alan Dershowitz to the guy fixing your radiator insists on giving you his opinion about fundamental rights, or presumptions of innocence, or probable cause, or--God help us--"what the Constitution requires."-- Paul F. Campos, Jurismania: The Madness of American Law
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Find the 6 differences, answers are below.

Chuckle 945

Chuckle 945
(George H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Marriage Counseling~ 2nd time around.
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage.

The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman, and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband says, "I can bring her in on Monday and Wednesday, but on Friday I’m going fishing." ***


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Word of the Day for Monday February 6, 2006

excoriate \ek-SKOR-ee-ayt\, transitive verb:1. To express strong disapproval of; to denounce.2. To tear or wear off the skin of.

In his speech to Congress of May 16th -- a speech that France found very insulting -- the President's "rage almost choked his utterance," as he excoriated the French for rejecting his ambassador, urged defensive measures against French dangers from abroad, and warned about French dangers at home.-- Richard N. Rosenfeld, American Aurora

He constantly excoriated himself for not living up to his own ideals -- for not working hard enough, loving well enough, or having motives that were pure enough.-- Stephen O'Connor, Orphan Trains

For many months, he had excoriated historians who had "bullied their way into power positions in academia" in order to indoctrinate students with the message that "our country is inherently evil."-- Gary B. Nash, History on Trial

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Chuckle 944

Chuckle 944
(Scotts Valley’s own Rich W gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Marriage~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, and 6 Differences.)

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman, asking, "Ma'am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we’re married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted. ***

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Word of the Day for Sunday February 5, 2006

visage \VIZ-ij\, noun:1. The face, countenance, or look of a person or an animal; -- chiefly applied to the human face.2. Look; appearance; aspect.

Older than most, and taller -- taller than Perlman, in fact -- she had a long and lean visage that might once have passed for fair but which age had turned more knowing and severe.-- Brooks Hansen, Perlman's Ordeal

I hadn't shaved in ever so long, either, but the way my whiskers grew I still looked more dirty than bearded to the quick glance I give my visage now and again when kneeling to drink in a stream slow-moving enough to reflect an image.-- Thomas Berger, The Return of Little Big Man

The first extends from Poltava to the Congress of Vienna in 1814- 15, a period when Russia presents, in the guise of the "enlightened despotism" of Peter I, Catherine II, and the young Alexander I, the most benign visage she has ever displayed to the West.-- Martin Malia, Russia Under Western Eyes
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Find the 6 differences, scroll to answers below!

Chuckle 943

Chuckle 943
(Rich C who is basking in the sun down in Yuma AZ gets today's
chuckle thanks!)


~Church Gossip~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.

He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night.

You gotta love Henry. ***

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Word of the Day for Saturday February 4, 2006

sapient \SAY-pee-uhnt\, adjective:Wise; sage; discerning.

By actual measurement they are the brainiest of birds, and on subjective evidence they seem more sapient than most other living creatures.-- David Quammen, "Bird Brains," New York Times, August 1, 1999

He also gives much of the book over to the voice and point of view of Wyatt's bright, quirky Aunt Ellen, who functions as a sapient observer of the world of the novel.-- Lorrie Moore, "God Does Not Love Aunt Ellen," New York Times, February 14, 1993

That he has on his side Lord Jenkins and Lady Williams . . . , that Ming Campbell is backing him, that the trusty and sapient counsellor of previous leaders, Lord Holme, is discreetly installed at his side, might seem to dispose of the notion that Kennedy is not a serious man.-- "It isn't a one horse race," The Guardian, July 20, 1999
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