Chuckle 1392

Chuckle 1392
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rick R of Surrey BC!)

~ Hawaii on Vacation~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs,

enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare.


As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned.

How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?"

"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"

She replied,

"Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen." ***

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~These Idiot Reports were compiled by Jayne C of Florence OR~

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason:

"Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." From Kingman, KS.
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Chuckle 1391

Chuckle 1391
(Rich C of Yuma AZ gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Wal-Mart ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

The new Super Wal-Mart near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you Approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more though. ***

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~The Idiot Report~

Idiot Number Seven of 2006

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.

So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.

The whole event was caught on videotape. Yep, here's your sign

(Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote)
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1390

Chuckle 1390
(Today's chuckle thanks go to George H of Florence OR!)

~Situational Awareness~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A photographer for CNN was assigned to cover southern California's Wildfires last year. He wanted pictures of the heroic work the Firefighters were doing as they battled the blazes.

When the photographer arrived on the scene, he realized that the smoke was so thick it would seriously impede, or even make impossible, his Getting good photographs from the ground level. He requested permission from his boss to rent a plane and take photos from the air.

His request was approved and he used his cell phone to call the local County airport to charter a flight. He was told a single engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a Hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go".

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and roared down the Runway. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly Over the valley and make two or three low passes so I can take some Pictures of the fires on the hillsides."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm a photographer for CNN," he responded. "And I need to get some close-up shots."

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, you're telling me you're not the flight instructor?" ***

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~The Idiot Report~

Idiot Number Six of 2006

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.

The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign
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Chuckle 1389

Chuckle 1389
(Joyce K of Florence AZ gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Killed Instantly~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Three Kentucky Rednecks were working on an AT&T cell phone tower - Steve, Bruce and Dan. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.'

Dan says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Bruce says, 'Where did you get that beer, Dan?'

'Steve's wife gave it to me,' Dan replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?'

Well, not exactly', Dan says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow.' She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'.... Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff!!! ***

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~The Idiot Report~

Number Five Idiot of 2006

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.

He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.

They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1388

Chuckle 1388
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Charles M of Bradenton FL!)

~Pilot and Navigator~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?" The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!" The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will." ***

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~The Idiot Report~
Number Four Idiot of 2006

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.

Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.

He immediately mailed in his $40.

Wise guy........ but you still get a sign
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Chuckle 1387

Chuckle 1387
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Carrie M of Sacramento CA!)


~Closet~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."


In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here"
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you're in my closet now" ***

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~The Idiot Report~

Number Three Idiot of 2006

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this. "Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.

So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.

He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1386

Chuckle 1386
(Sandy J of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~The School Play ~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

If this doesn't make you laugh, there is absolutely no hope for your day! ---Sandy---

Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play. It was to be a Shakespearean play. The first little boy was to say, "My fair maiden.... I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope." The second little boy was to reply by saying, "Hark! A pistol shot."

Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups. The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up. The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified.

They stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin. The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words..... "My fair maiden.... I have come to kiss your snatch! And fill your hole with soap."

The second boy screams out....."Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of shit, horse shit, this is bull shit... I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway..."

The audience left howling!! ***

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~The Idiot Report~

Number Two Idiot of 2006

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
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Chuckle 1385

Chuckle 1385
(Rich Watkins of Pasa Robles CA gets today chuckle thanks!)

~The Silent Treatment~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM" He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. ***

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Through many hours of research Jayne C of Florence has come up with this Idiot Report for 2006.

~The Idiot Report~

Number One Idiot of 2006

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1385

Chuckle 1384
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rich C of Yuma AZ!)

~To my friends, this moving tribute ~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

This is for you because you are very dear to my heart!

What if tomorrow.......

I Apologize...For all the mean things I might have said.
I Apologize...For all the things I did or didn't do.
I Apologize...If I ever ignored you.
I Apologize...If I ever made you feel bad or put you down.
I Apologize...If I ever thought I was better than you.
I Apologize...For everything wrong I've ever done.

I Care for You...Don't ever forget that!
Through bad times and good,
I'll always be here for you.

I'm writing this because... what if tomorrow.....


>



>

YOU WIN THE LOTTERY! ***
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Do You Remember a Time When...

Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures? "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense? Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?

The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team? War was a card game? Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle? Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin? Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?

If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!!!!

Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grown-up" life . . I double-dog-dare-ya!

This is the end of this series, tomorrow we start Jayne's Idiot Reports.

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Chuckle 1383

Chuckle 1383
(Marlene W of Florence OR gets today chuckle thanks!)

~Soft Hearted Judge~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

The local game warden in a small town in Oregon had arrested a man for killing and eating an Egret. The man went before a judge to plead his case. After pleading guilty, but with an explanation, the judge asked him why he did it.

"I was just trying to feed my hungry family," he told the judge, "and I've never done anything like that before."

The judge, being a family man himself, had a soft heart and agreed to let the man go free, since he was only trying to feed his starving family and it was his first and only offense.

"Before you go, though, I want to ask you a question," the judge quipped, "What does Egret taste like?"

"Well your Honor," the man told him, "It's not as tender as Spotted Owl but its better than Bald Eagle!" ***

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Do You Remember a Time When...

Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-moe"? Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do Over!"? "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest? Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening? It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends"?

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties"? Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot? A foot of snow was a dream come true?
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Find the 6 differences, answers below.

Chuckle 1382

Chuckle 1382
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Phyllis S of Pasadena CA!)

~Stay of Execution~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was worn out and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him saying, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" And on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution, after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight", she said.

He whirled around and screamed, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN! WILL YOU NEVER STOP?" ***

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How Many of These Do You Remember?

Metal ice cubes trays with levers, Mimeograph paper, Beanie and Cecil, roller-skate keys, cork pop guns, and drive in Studebakers.

Washtub wringers, The Fuller Brush Man, Reel-To-Reel tape recorders Tinker toys, Erector Sets, The Fort Apache Play Set Lincoln Logs, and
15 cent McDonald hamburgers.

5 cent packs of baseball cards with that awful pink slab of bubble gum, penny candy, 35 cent a gallon gasoline and Jiffy Pop popcorn.
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Chuckle 1381

Chuckle 1381
(Sheila M of Rough and Ready CA gets today chuckle thanks!)

~Pet Diaries~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

DOG

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


CAT

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now... ***
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How Many of These Do You Remember?

Candy cigarettes Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside, soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles, coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes, Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum, home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers, newsreels before the movie and P.F. Fliers.

Telephone numbers with a word prefix....(Raymond 4-601). Party lines
peashooters, Howdy Doody , 45 RPM records, Green Stamps and Hi-Fi's
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1380

Chuckle 1380
(Jayne C of Florence OR gets today chuckle thanks!)

~The Old Hanging on the Rope Trick~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)


Eleven people were hanging onto a rope under a helicopter, 10 men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to drop off; otherwise, they all were all going to fall.

They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids and for men in general without ever getting any! thing in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men applauded.

SEND THIS STORY TO AN INTELLIGENT WOMAN SO THAT SHE HAS SOMETHING TO SMILE ABOUT TODAY ***

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~DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN...? ~

Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.

Send this on to someone who can still remember Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, Laurel and Hardy, Howdy Doody and the Peanut Gallery, the Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Bell, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk.

As well as summers filled with bike rides, baseball games, Hula Hoops, bowling and visits to the pool, and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar. Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that"?
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Chuckle 1379

Chuckle1379
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Dean O of Florence OR!)

~Enjoy Your Flight~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

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~DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN...? ~

Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?

And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace, and share it with the children of today?

When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home? Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1378

Chuckle 1378
(Bev L of Florence OR gets today chuckle thanks!)


~Mint Flavored Birth Control Pill~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)


The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. have combined to market the new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.

The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies.

They're going to be called.........

"Pre-dick-a-mints." ***

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~DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN...? ~

No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?

Lying on your back in the grass with your friends and saying things like, "That cloud looks like a ..."

and playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game?
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Chuckle 1374

Chuckle 1374
(Rich C of Yuma AZ gets today chuckle thanks!)


~Another State Trooper Chuckle~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A Texas State Trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of the Texas/Oklahoma state line.

When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Houston to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car,a drunk good old boy, from Oklahoma, got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied,

"You might as well take me to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test. ***
________________________________________________

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These chuckle gems were sent to us from Retha A of Richland OR!

~DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN...? ~

All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?

It took five minutes for the TV warm up?

Nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school?
________________________________________________________

Chuckle 1373

Chuckle 1373
(Today's chuckle thanks go to George H of Florence OR!)

~The Blonde Painter~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it, by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said . . .



You'll love this . .




Yep .. I know you will ....





"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS" ***
_______________________________________________________

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(Word for the Day)
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Conversations from the book "Disorder in the American Courts"
sent to us by Sandy J of Florence OR.


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________

And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. ***

________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1372

Chuckle 1372
(Carrie M of Sacramento CA gets today chuckle thanks!)

~Blonde Guy~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get Burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw Burritos, and jumped too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would
have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos
or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much."

(Oh this is GOOD!!)?

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch" ***

________________________________________________________
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Conversations from the book "Disorder in the American Courts"
sent to us by Sandy J of Florence OR.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________________________

Chuckle 1371

Chuckle 1371
(Rich W of Pas Robles CA gets today chuckle thanks!)


~Lawyer and the State Trooper~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Arkansas State Trooper. The lawyer thinks that he is smarter than the trooper because he is a LAWYER and is certain that he has a better education. The lawyer decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the trooper's expense.

The trooper says, "License and registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What for?"

The trooper says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

The lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

The trooper says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Trooper says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Trooper says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law here in Arkansas....License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Trooper says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the trooper takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-lovin' crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?" ***

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Conversations from the book "Disorder in the American Courts"
sent to us by Sandy J of Florence OR.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
_______________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1370

Chuckle 1370
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rick R of Surrey BC!)


Here's a photo of Rick which I took several years ago in Yuma AZ.
He looks so Saintly that I thought Easter Sunday would be a good time
to send it out. We used to call him "Rock" in those days.




________________________________________________________

~Sleep Problems~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

Joe went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit", replied the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it," said Joe.

Six months later the doctor met Joe on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10 - the cost of two drinks. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!!!" ***

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(Word for the Day)
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Conversations from the book "Disorder in the American Courts"
sent to us by Sandy J of Florence OR.

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
________________________________________________________

Chuckle 1369

Chuckle 1369
(GGBG of Florence OR gets today chuckle thanks!)

(Note: For a better view of the daily chuckle and for you
people who can't get embedded pictures click Mr. Chuckles.)
Mr. Chuckles

~How Old Do You Feel Now? ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Eddie Haskell ---- The Beaver ---- Wally ***

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Conversations from the book "Disorder in the American Courts"
sent to us by Sandy J of Florence OR.


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
_______________ _______________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1368

Chuckle 1368
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Joyce K of Florence AZ!)

~Married Too Long? ~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A husband and wife are in bed together. She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.

She: "Oh that feels good."

His hand moves to her breast.

She: "Gee, honey that feels wonderful."

His hand moves to her leg.

She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."

But he stops.

She: "Why did you stop?"

He: "I found the remote." ***



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Conversations from the book "Disorder in the American Courts"
sent to us by Sandy J of Florence OR.

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
_________________________________________________________

Chuckle 1367

Chuckle 1367
(Jayne C of Florence OR gets today chuckle thanks!)


~"Do you want to go to heaven?"~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)


Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priests said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now." ***


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Conversations from the book "Disorder in the American Courts"
sent to us by Sandy J of Florence OR.

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_______________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1366

Chuckle 1366
(Bev L of Florence OR gets today chuckle thanks!)


~Chocolate Chips! ~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

I knew there was a reason for chocolate chips!

Can't eat Beef. . Mad cow

Can't eat chicken. Bird flu

Can't eat eggs... Salmonella

Can't eat pork... Fears of trichinosis...

Can't eat fish... Heavy metals in the waters has poisoned their meat

Can't eat fruits and veggies... Insecticides and herbicides

Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!! M M M M M M M M M M M

I believe that leaves Chocolate!!!!!!!!

Remember - - - "STRESSED" spelled backwards is "DESSERTS"

Send this to four people and you will lose 2 pounds.

Send this to everyone you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds.

(If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately.)

"That's why I had to pass this on - - - - - I didn't want to risk it." ***

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Conversations from the book "Disorder in the American Courts"
sent to us by Sandy J of Florence OR.


ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
_______________________________________________________