Chuckle 1898

I will be gone for a week starting Sunday so you will go without the daily chuckles for a while. Try the archives.

Chuckle 1898
(Carrie M of Sacramento CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Dear Diary ~
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Six Differences.)

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 20 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that mess?'

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I've stopped fishing.

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Chuckle 1897

Chuckle 1897
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~LOVE THIS ONE~ - Still good second time around!

Charlotte , North Carolina A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued.. And WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART..

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA!

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Have a good one!!!

Chuckle 1896

Chuckle 1886
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Phyllis S of Pasadena CA!)

Chris Craft (Catalina)

~Best Salesman Ever! ~ (2nd time around)
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A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big ‘everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The kid says, 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota.'

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. ‘How many customers bought something from you today?'

The kid says, 'One.'

The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'

The kid says '$101,237.65'

The boss says ‘$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'

The boss said, 'A guy came in here to buy a fishhook, and you sold him a BOAT AND A TRUCK???!!!'

The kid said, 'No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing........'. ***


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Chuckle 1895

Chuckle 1895
(Retha of Richland OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~Lost~ (2nd time around)
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When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"

She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."

I said, "Well, why are you crying?"

She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.”

I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

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“Have a nice day!”

Chuckle 1884

Chuckle 1894
(Rich C of Yuma AZ gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~A Blonde in Church~
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Six Differences.)

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.

This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.'

No one moved. The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

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~ARE YOU MARTHA OR MAXINE? ~ From Jayne C of Florence OR; Thanks Jayne!!

MARTHA
17.Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

MAXINE
18.Leftover wine????????????HELLO!!!!!!!

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(Find the 6 differences, see answers below.)

Chuckle 1893

Chuckle 1893
(Charlie M of Bradenton Fl gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~OK How Much~ (2nd time around)
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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250' In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.' Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's
go outside and have a game of catch'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that sh*t again; You're in my closet now'

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~ARE YOU MARTHA OR MAXINE? ~ From Jayne C of Florence OR; Thanks Jayne!!




MARTHA
15. If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

MAXINE
16. Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

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Sorry about the print yesterday!




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Chuckle 1892

Chuckle 1892
(Nancy S of Sheridan WY gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~The Wrong Side of the Bed~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
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As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, 'Good morning ladies.' The novices replied, 'Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you.' But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, 'I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning.' This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue. A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with, 'good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for your students today.' 'Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you.' But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, 'She got out of the wrong side of bed today.' Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant. Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, As Sister Mary was rather deaf, and Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile and think, before greeting Sister Mary. 'Good Morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day.'' Ah, good morning Mother Superior and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.' Mother Superior was floored!


'Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me.' Sister Mary stopped, and looked Mother Superior in the eye.

'Oh dear, don't take it personal, Mother Superior.

It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers.!!!!!'
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~ARE YOU MARTHA OR MAXINE? ~ From Jayne C of Florence OR; Thanks Jayne!!



MARTHA
13.Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.?

MAXINE
14.Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!?All?your pains go away!

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(Find the 6 differences, see answers below.)

Chuckle 1891

Chuckle 1891
(Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~~Bus Stop ~~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, ‘How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.' ***

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~ARE YOU MARTHA OR MAXINE? ~ From Jayne C of Florence OR; Thanks Jayne!!

MARTHA
9.Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

MAXINE
10.Celery? Never heard of it!

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Have a nice day!

Chuckle 1890

Chuckle 1890
(Bev L of Mount Vernon WA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)



~Canadian Poem ~
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Six Differences.)


It's winter in Canada
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At twenty-five below.

Oh, how I love Canada
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And you nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Canada ‘Cause I'm frozen to the ground!! ***

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~ARE YOU MARTHA OR MAXINE? ~ From Jayne C of Florence OR; Thanks Jayne!!

MARTHA
7.If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up.'

MAXINE
8.If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: 'I made it, you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!'

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(Find the 6 differences, see answers below.)

Chuckle 1889

Chuckle 1889
(Florence C of Yuma AZ gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~The Ostrich~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.' The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?' 'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.' 'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!' 'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?' The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.' ***

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~ARE YOU MARTHA OR MAXINE? ~ From Jayne C of Florence OR; Thanks Jayne!!



MARTHA
5.When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.?

MAXINE
6.Go to the bakery! Hell, they'll even decorate it for you!

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Have a good one!

Chuckle 1887

Chuckle 1887
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Linda M of Eugene OR!)

Pail

~Farm Birth Control~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away.

There were two city gals and one farm gal. The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile.

They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile. Well, the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, 'The rhythm method.' 'That will work,' said the counselor, 'if you keep a good record.'

He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. 'I plan on using birth control pills,' she said. Again he said, 'Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them.'

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, 'The pail and saucer method.' After a short delay, he told her that should also work. He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet. Well, the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, ‘I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.'

He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, ‘The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.'

He turns to the farm gal. 'I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you?'

She replied, 'Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers....

I kick the pail out from under him. ***

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~ARE YOU MARTHA OR MAXINE? ~ From Jayne C of Florence OR; Thanks Jayne!! (2nd time around)


Martha

MARTHA
1. Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.

MAXINE
2. Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!

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Have a great day!!

Chuckle 1886

Chuckle 1886
(Marlene W of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Profiling ~Might be a (2nd time arounder)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

A customer asked 'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?'

The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Polish?'

The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something.'

'If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?' 'Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?' 'Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?' 'Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?'
'Would you? Would you?'

The clerk says, 'Well, no!'

'If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?'

'Well, I probably wouldn't!'

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, 'Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?'

The clerk replies, 'Because you're in Home Depot.'

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A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

SUNDAY :

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
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(Find the 6 differences, see answers below.)

Chuckle 1885

Chuckle 1885
(Nadine W of Carpinteria CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~Genuine Free BBQ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

You can get a free BBQ grill from any of the following stores:

ACTION

BIG W

BI-LO

BUNNINGS

COLES

F OOD FOR LESS

TARGET

WOOLWORTHS

I especially like the higher shelf which can be used for keeping things warm!



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A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

SATURDAY :

Brad left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

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Have a great day!!

Chuckle 1884

Chuckle 1884
(Audrey N and Walt F of some where CA get today’s chuckle thanks!)

~Church Bulletins~ Part 2
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. ----------------------------------- ---------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!
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Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

FRIDAY :

I hate that Brad more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.

Brad wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, see answers below.)

Chuckle 1883

Chuckle 1883
(Sheila M of Rough and Ready CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)
I’m going to refine this; Sheila got it from Audrey N who got it from
her brother Walt in Canada but I notice that Dennis F did the sending.

Maybe this note will explain it;
Hi Sheila, My brother in Canada sent these and though it was time I sent a few smiles your way. Walt enjoyed Mr. Chuckles so much we have them come to us regularly!! A good laugh is always good.Audrey!

I’m confused here again, who is sending them to Walt? Some one help me out here! Maybe we will have an answer by tomorrow!
---Jerry---


~Church Bulletins~ Part 1 (some old some new)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

They're back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters -- misspellings, bad sentence construction or choice of words all make for fun reading. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth into Joy." ---- --- --- -------------------------------- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.


THURSDAY :

Brad was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Brad took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

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Have a good one!!!

Chuckle 1882

Chuckle 1882
(Elva B of Coldwell ID gets today’s chuckle thanks!)



~Digging up A Garden Plot. ~ (may be 2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

An old man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son: Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Vinnie

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A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.




WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.

Brad was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Brad put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Brad told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

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(Find the 6 differences, see answers below.)

Chuckle 1881

Chuckle 1881
(Lora S of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Gynecological Visit ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

I know you will enjoy this one!! ---Lora---

Those who 'do not' have a sense of humor need to delete now.

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

'Come now,' coaxed the doctor, ' you've been seeing me for years!

There's nothing you can't tell me.'

'This one's kind of strange...'

'Let me be the judge of that,' the doctor replied.

'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'

'I see.'

'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl.' 'That night,' she went on, 'I went again,

Plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters !

You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored, 'I'm scared out of my wits!'

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. 'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'

Ready for this?
(I'm warning you.....)
(Still not too late....delete now!)

>


>


>


'You're simply going through the change'


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A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.


TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Brad made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Brad's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

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Have a good one!!

Chuckle 1880

Chuckle 1880
(Dean O of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


“Pull the plug”


~MY LIVING WILL ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch…

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A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Brad, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.


MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Brad waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Brad gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Brad was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

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(Find the 6 differences, see answers below.)

Chuckle 1879

Chuckle 1879
(Pat M of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~DIVORCE VS. MURDER~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription...

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Have a nice day!

Chuckle 1877

Chuckle 1878
(Nancy S Sheridan WY gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

American Can Co. Stock Logo.

~Stock Tip~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

Stock Tip - Important Received from a broker. I normally don't pass stock tips on but I thought this exception would be okay.

If you hold any of the following stocks, you may want to review:

American Can Co., Interstate Water Co., National Gas Co., Northern Tissue Co.

Due to the uncertain market conditions at this present time, we advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water and let go of your Gas.

You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today and millions were wiped clean. ***

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