Chuckle 3135

(Chuckle 3135) Classic

(Charlotte in Reeds Port OR gets today's chuckle thanks for
Chuckle 569) Sent out in Jan 2005!


~Would You Remarry? ~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Burma Shave signs)

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not- don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (With a hurtful look on her face)

HUSBAND: (makes loud groan)

WIFE: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"

HUSBAND: "I guess so."

WIFE: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left handed."

WIFE: ---silence-

HUSBAND: "Shit."
________________________________________________________
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___________________________________________________________
(Maxine Cartoon)

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(Memories for you and me from Nancy in Sheridan WY.)

AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
Burma Shave

Chuckle 3134

(Chuckle 3134)

(Jack S of Santa Cruz CA gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~Hostess Bakery Division~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

You may have heard that Hostess Bakery plants shut down due to a workers' strike. But you may not have heard how it was split up.

The State Department hired all the Twinkies,

The Secret Service hired all the HoHos’,

The Generals are sleeping with the Cupcakes,

And…

The Voters sent all the Ding Dongs to Congress.
__________________________________________________________
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__________________________________________________________

(Maxine Cartoon)

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 3133

(Chuckle 3133) Classic

(Rick and Ann of Surrey BC gets today’s chuckle thanks for
Chuckle 229 sent out in Feb 2004)

~That's Once:~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Burma Shave signs)
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, "What a peaceful and loving couple."

A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.' We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule dead. I started an angry protest over her treatment of the mule, when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once.' And we lived happily ever after.....

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_________________________________________________________

(Maxine Cartoon)

________________________________________________________

(Memories for you and me from Nancy in Sheridan WY.)

NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave

A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
Burma Shave

Chuckle 3131

(Chuckle 3131)

(Nicky N of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~How accurately do you see? ~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Burma Shave signs)

See if you can do this accurately.
Read all the Numbers slowly and in Order
Be Careful not to MISS ANY



1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19

20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27

28 29 30

Scroll down ............................


>


>


>


>



It's so easy to amuse Seniors

TOMORROW I'LL SEND YOU THE ABC's

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__________________________________________________________

(Maxine Cartoon)

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(Memories for you and me from Nancy in Sheridan WY.)

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
BurmaShave

AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
BurmaShave

Chuckle 3130

(Chuckle 3130)
(Jayne and John C gets today’s chuckle thanks for
Chuckle 30 sent out March, 2001)

~The Outhouse!!~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an
outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer,
cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on
the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push
that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy
decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got
a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into
the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after
supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad
replied, "someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you,
wasn't it, son?" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and
said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a
cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well son, George Washington's father wasn't in that
cherry tree!"
__________________________________________________

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 _________________________________________________________
(Maxine Cartoon)

__________________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 3129

(Chuckle 3129)

(Keith K of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~Scottish Holstein~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Burma Shave signs)

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland.

It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet,
who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:

"My wife is from Scotland”

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_______________________________________________________

(Maxine Cartoon)

_____________________________________________________

(Memories for you and me from Nancy in Sheridan WY.)

CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEER
BurmaShave

SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS HOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
BurmaShave

Chuckle 3128

(Chuckle 3128)

(Keith K of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~Wooden Ball~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

An old man walks into the barbershop for shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

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_______________________________________________________
(Maxine Cartoon)

______________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 3127

(Chuckle 3127)

(Mac M of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~Locked Car~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Burma Shave signs)

A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas, so she stops at a gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself.

She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is faring.

Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and
around while the blonde inside the car is saying, "A little more
to the left, a little more to the right!"
_________________________________________________________________
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__________________________________________________________

(Maxine Cartoon)

___________________________________________________________

(Memories for you and me from Nancy in Sheridan WY.)

DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave

BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
Burma Shave

Chuckle 3126

(Chuckle 3126)

(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES. ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, “I know how you feel. My Mom makes me ride in the stroller too.”

**************************************************************************************
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, “My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.”

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_________________________________________________________

(Maxine Cartoon)

___________________________________________________________


(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 3125

(Chuckle 3125) Classic

(Dean O of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks for
Chuckle 410 sent out in Aug. 2004)

~Two Short Chuckles~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Burma Shave signs)

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As a NJ State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the NJ State Police Ball.

He replied, "New Jersey State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he had just said. He then closed the ticket book, got in his patrol car and quickly drove away.
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~California this Week ~

Do you know what happened in California this week in 1850?

California became a state. The state had no electricity. The state had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gun fights in the streets. So, basically, it was just like California is today, except the women had real breasts.
________________________________________________________
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______________________________________________________
(Maxine Cartoon)

_________________________________________________________

(Memories for you and me from Nancy in Sheridan WY.)

Burma Shave signs:

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUS
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
Burma Shave

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave

Chucklr 3124

(Chuckle 3124)

(Lora S of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~Blonde’s Problem~(Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

You might have to think twice about this one.

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip
of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'

'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...

I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.
_____________________________________________________________

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__________________________________________________________
(Maxine Cartoon)

____________________________________________________________


(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 3123

(Chuckle 3123)

(Phyllis and Chet of Pasadena CA get today’s chuckle thanks)

~Drinking and Driving Lesson~ (Second time around)(Also: Today
in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope,
Maxine and Burma Shave signs)

A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends
and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did
something I've never done before; I took a cab home!

Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab,
they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as

I have never driven a cab before.....

and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now
that it's in my garage.

Happy Holidays!

Be Responsible!
______________________________________________________________

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______________________________________________________________

(Maxine Cartoon)

____________________________________________________________________


(Memories for you and me from Nancy in Sheridan WY.)

BURMA SHAVE.

For some of us, this brings back memories. For you younger ones, you don't know what you missed driving those narrow roads!

For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930's, 40's, and 50's. Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields.
They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, About 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet...and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.
Here are more of the actual signs:


DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
Burma Shave


TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
Burma Shave

Chuckle 3122

(Chuckle 3122)

(Keith K of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~Winter in Wisconsin ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

It's winter in Wisconsin and the gentle breezes blow,
70 miles per hour at 52 below!

Oh, how I love Wisconsin when the snow's up to your butt;
You take a breath of winter air and your nose is frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful; you may think I'm a fool.
I could never leave Wisconsin, Cause I'm frozen to the stool.
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine Cartoon)

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 3121

(Chuckle 3121)

(Phyllis and Chet of Pasadena CA gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~Stop for Speeding~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Redneck medical terminology)

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding.

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Traffic Cop: You what!?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up.

Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

Don't Mess With Mature Ladies
______________________________________________________________

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine Cartoon)

____________________________________________________________


(Redneck medical terminology from Phyllis and Chet.)


Terminal Illness
- Getting sick at the airport

Tumor
- One plus one more

Urine
- Opposite of you're out

This is the last of this series!

Chuckle 3120

(Chuckle 3120)

(Keith K of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~PET PARROT~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

I was in an Ottawa pet shop last week when I noticed a Packi Muslim with the most amazingly colored parrot perched on his shoulder…

"Where did you get that from?" I asked,

" Toronto, there’s thousands of them!" Said the Parrot.
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(Maxine Cartoon)

_______________________________________________________
(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 3120

Chuckle 3119

(Chuckle 3119)
Chuckle2535 (Sent out in April 2011)
(Lora S of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Show and Tell~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Redneck medical terminology)

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class. The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David." The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary." The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)

_____________________________________________________________
(Redneck medical terminology from Phyllis and Chet.)

Secretion
- Hiding something

Seizure
- Roman Emperor

Tablet
- A small table

Chuckle 3118

(Chuckle 3118)

Chuckle 239 Classic (sent out in Feb. 2004)
(Thanks go to John and Jayne of ? for today's chuckle!)

~The Umbrella~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

___________________________________________________________
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______________________________________________________________

(Maxine Cartoon)

___________________________________________________________
(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 3117

(Chuckle 3117)

Chuckle 243 (sent out in Feb 2004)
(Thanks for today's chuckle go to Nadine in Carpinteria, CA)
(I'll bet you can't guess the punch line!!)

~Successful Operation~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and for Bev; Redneck medical terminology)

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. Therefore, the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day/

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

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(Maxine Cartoon)

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(Redneck medical terminology from Phyllis and Chet. )

Post Operative
- A letter carrier

Recovery Room
- Place to do upholstery

Rectum
- Nearly killed him

Chuckle 3116

(Chuckle 3116)

(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~Wal-Mart (New sign for Dummies) ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Have you ever gotten in the lane for 15 items or less and there is always someone who has 30 items or more in line there, too? I think this sign is for them... you may see them take a shoe off to continue counting...............

New sign at Wal-Mart

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day/

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/
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(Maxine Cartoon)

(Find the six differences, answers below)