Chuckle 3697

Chuckle 3697 Classic
Chuckle 262 Sent out in March 2004

(Rick in Surrey B.C. gets to today’s chuckle thanks)

~Make a Wish~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman

   A man finds a lamp, rubs it, and out pops a genie

. The genie tells him, "I'll grant you three wishes, but everything you wish for, all the lawyers in the world will get double". 

The man says, "Well, you know I hate lawyers, but I think I can live with that. So, first, I'd like a billion dollars."
  The genie blinks and says, "Done. You have a billion dollars in your bank account and every lawyer has two billion dollars."
  "Okay," says the man, "next I'd like a Lamborghini Murcielago," and the genie blinks and tells him there's one in his driveway and two in every lawyer's driveway.

 The man rubs his chin and says, "Finally, I'd like to donate a kidney."

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(Today in History Click)
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Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 3696

Chuckle 3696 Classic
Chuckle 163 (Sent out in Nov 2003)

 (Today’s chuckle was sent to us by Willie of Sacramento. This was really cute Willie, thanks!)

 ~The Barber~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s

A guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, "How long before I can
get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How
long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3
hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long
before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half."

The guy leaves.

The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the
shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing
hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

 

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Maxine

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Find the 6 Diff's

Chuckle 3695

Chuckle 3695
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Ron J of Florence OR)

~Don’t Despair~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman!)

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

"What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."

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Maxine

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Herman

 

Chuckle 3694

Hoping you Have a Nice Thanksgiving!

           From ---Mr. Chuckles & Lora---

 Chuckle 3694

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Phyllis L of Florence OR)

~Thanksgiving Turkey Recipe~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s) 

  Here is a turkey recipe that includes the use of uncooked popcorn as
  stuffing ingredient -- imagine that!  When I found this recipe, I thought
  it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when
  the turkey is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try. 

  For an 8 - 15 lb. turkey, 

  1cup melted butter,

  1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good),

  1 cup un-popped popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT IS BEST)

  Salt/pepper to taste
  Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt and pepper.
  Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan making sure the
  neck end is toward the back of the oven, not the front
  After about 4 hours listen for the popping sounds.
  When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open and the bird flies across
  the room.... it's done.
  And, you thought I couldn't cook.

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 __________________________________________________________________

Maxine

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Find the 6 diff's

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Chuckle 3693

Chuckle 3693
(Today’s Chuckle thank go to Jane C of Florence OR

~Last of the Church Chuckles~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'

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A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'

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A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem... A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'

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Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 3692

Chuckle 3692

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K and Sue J both of Florence OR)

 ~101 Year Old’s Advice~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s

Interview with 101 year-old Hattie Mae MacDonald of Feague,  Kentucky:

 

Reporter:  Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101?
Hattie:   For better digestion I drink beer.  In the case of appetite loss I drink white wine.  For low blood pressure drink Red Wine.  In the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch.   And when I have a cold I drink Schnapps.

Reporter:  When do you drink water? 
Hattie:   I've never been that sick!

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Maxine

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6 Diff's

Chuckle 3691

Chuckle 3691
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Sue J of Florence OR)

~Small white dot~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

A class was given a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, picked up a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.

"It's a 'period'," he replied.

"I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a 'period'?"

"Darned if I know," said the boy, "but yesterday my sister was missing one, Mom fainted,

Dad had a heart attack and the boy next door joined the Navy."
 

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Maxine



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Herman

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 3690

Chuckle 3690
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Harry M of Florence OR)

~Broom Wedding~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. 

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!' 

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom. 


Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself! This is going to hurt! 

>


>


>

'WE  HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT  TOGETHER!' 

Sounds to me like she's been sweeping around!

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 _______________________________________________________________

Maxine

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Find the 6 Diff's

Chuckle 3689

Chuckle 3689

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Mac M of Florence OR)

~ Jimmy the Marine Pilot~ (Second time around) (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman!

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Jimmy says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Jimmy , decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . . . .

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Jimmy ’s whore."

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 ______________________________________________________________

Maxine

_______________________________________________________________


Herman

Chuckle 3688

Chuckle 3688
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR)

-PREGNANT AT 71~ (Second time around) (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard. "What the hell is the matter with you" the older doctor demanded. " Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The younger doctor continued writing and without even looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

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_____________________________________________________________ 

Maxine

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Chuckle 3687

Chuckle 3687
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Ron J of Florence OR)

~Costume Party~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

A husband and wife were invited to a costume party and after much deliberation decided to go as a cow.  Since the husband was the strongest of the pair he would be the front half as the head was very heavy to carry and wear.  The wife would be the hind end as it was light.

 On the drive to the party their car broke down and being out in the country without a cell phone they luckily spotted a farm house across the field.  They both climbed out of the car, climbed over the barbed wire fence and were crossing the field when the wife, panic stricken, yelled to her husband that the farmers bull was charging across the field at them and what should they do?

 The husband calmly responded, "I'm going to eat grass but you better brace yourself."

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(Today in History Click)
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 ________________________________________________________________________

Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 3686

Chuckle 3686
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR)

~Parrot with an Attitude~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 diff’s)

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back.

John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.

John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,

"May I ask what the turkey did?

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_____________________________________________________________________


Maxine

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Find the 6 Diff's

Chuckle 3685

Chuckle 3685
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Elva B of Caldwell ID)

~Fifty Years Together~ (Second time around) (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

Their three children, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1. 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift." "Not to worry," said the father. "Important thing is we're all together today."

Son No. 2 arrived. "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from LA between depositions & didn't have time to shop for you." "It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town & I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. “You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college. Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and said, “WHAT? You mean we're bastards?" "Yep", said the father, "Cheap ones too..."

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 ___________________________________________________________

Maxine

__________________________________________________________________

Herman