Chuckle 3965

Chuckle 3965
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR)

~I Think You’re the Father of One of my Kids~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 diff’s)

   A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him. She says, 'Hello.'

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

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Maxine

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Spot the 6 diff's

Chuckle 3964

Chuckle 3964
Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR)

~Senior Moment~ (second time around) (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car - NOW!!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her own car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Moral of the story?  If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable!

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Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 3963

Chuckle 3963
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Ron J OF Florence OR)

~A Couple of short ones from Ron~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.  After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that.  I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

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Maxine--This is the last Max at Halloween, I’ve run out!

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Spot the 6 Diff's

Chuckle 3962

Chuckle 3962
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Gary B of La Habra CA)

~An Attorney with Good & Bad News~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, "Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million.  I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done!  My wife is a brilliant businesswoman!  You've just made my day.  Now I know I can handle the bad news.  What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."

 

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Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 3961

Chuckle 3961
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR)

~ Forest Gump~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 diff’s)

When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in." "Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' ““Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."

1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"

2) How many seconds are in a year?

3) What is God's first name?

"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow.

“St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."

"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve." "Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused. "Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"

St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."

"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy." "Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?" "I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."

St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"

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Maxine

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Spot the 6 Diff's

Chuckle 3960

Chuckle 3960
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Bev L in Mt. Vernon WA)

 ~Beethoven~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard when, all of a sudden, he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827". Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played backwards! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time, it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards.

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed..... The 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread, and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then, the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"I would have thought it was obvious,” the caretaker says. "He's decomposing."

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Maxine

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Chuckle 3959

Maxine Chuckle 3959
(Today's Chuckle thank go to Ron J of Florence OR)

~Sour Grapes~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff's)

Eight Logical Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more Excited your dog is to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them By another dog's name.


3. Dogs like it if you leave lots Of things on the floor.

4. Dogs' parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're pissed.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

8 more at a later date!

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Maxine

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Spot the 6 diff's

Chuckle 3958 Classic

Chuckle 3958 Classic
Chuckle 459 (Sent out in Sept 2004)

(Carrie in Sacramento CA, Jayne in Florence OR, and Rich in Yuma AZ all get chuckle thanks today!) (Carrie now is living in Kinderhook NY)

~Blonde on Vacation~ from Carrie

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.  She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way . . but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking for the highly prized shoes. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a decent price!"

   The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, y'all just go and give it a try, why don'cha!"

   The blonde turned on her heel and headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch herself an alligator.

   Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort, hauls it onto the slimy swamp bank.   Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper stands on the bank and watches this scenario in amazed silence. Just then, the blonde struggles and flips the gator on its back.  Then, rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out, "Damn, this one is barefoot, too!"

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Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 3957

Chuckle 3957
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Ron J of Florence OR)

~Why~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a Church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

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Maxine

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Spot the 6 Diff's

 

 

 

Chuckle 3956

Chuckle 3956
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Gary B of La Habra CA)

~A Pres. Reagan Story~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

Ronald Reagan told the story that a friend of his, Danny Villanueva, a former place kicker with the Los Angeles Rams was visiting a new young ball player in his home.  They were talking sports and the young player’s wife was busy in the kitchen getting dinner ready when the baby started crying.  The wife, busy in the kitchen, said to her husband, 'Change the Baby".  The young ball player was embarrassed in front go Danny Villanueva and said, "I'm a ball player, that's not my line of work.  The wife turned around, put her hands on her hips, and she communicated….  She said, "Look buster, you lay out the diaper like a diamond, put second base on home plate, put the baby's bottom on the pitcher's mound put first and third on the baby and slide hem underneath, and if it starts to rain the game ain't called and you start all over again. 

 

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Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Herman

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 3955

Chuckle 3955
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Nicky H of Florence OR)

~Shoplifting~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 diff’s)

An old lady gets caught shoplifting.

On court day the lady and her husband, who goes with her, stand before the judge and he says to her, "Why did you shoplift?"

And she says "I was hungry."

The judge says "What did you take?" She replies, "A can of peaches."

So the judge, trying to figure out how to punish her says, "How many peaches where in the can?"

The lady says, "6" so the judge says "OK then, 1 day per peach in jail. That will be 6 days time served."

The judge says, "Would anyone like to say anything else?" and her husband says, "Your honor, she stole a can of peas too."

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Maxine

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Spot the 6 diff's

Chuckle 3954

Chuckle 3954
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Ron J of Florence OR)

~Try to Please Everyone~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town.  The boy rode on the donkey, and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked:

“What a shame, the old man is walking, the boy is riding."

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, they changed positions.  Later they passed some people who remarked:

"What a shame, he makes that little boy walk," they then decided they'd both walk. Soon they passed some more people who remarked

 "They're really stupid to walk when they have a decent donkey to ride." They both decided to ride the donkey. They passed some people who shamed them by saying:

"How awful to put such a load on a poor donkey." The boy and the man figured they were probably right, they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the donkey, the donkey fell into the river and drowned.

> 

> 

The moral of the story:  If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass goodbye.

 

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Maxine

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Herman