Chuckle 1058

Chuckle 1058
(Bev L of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Three Quick Chuckles~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)


1. There are 3 kinds of men - ones that learn by reading - a few who learn by observing - but the rest of them have to pee on the electric fence to find out for themselves.

2. After eating an entire bull, the mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral of the story is 'when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut'.

And last but not least:

3. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

Courtesy of Will Rogers. ***

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Word of the Day for Wednesday May 31, 2006
pleonasm \PLEE-uh-naz-uhm\, noun:1. The use of more words than are necessary to express an idea; as, "I saw it with my own eyes."2. An instance or example of pleonasm.3. A superfluous word or expression.

Dougan uses many words where few would do, as if pleonasm were a way of wringing every possibility out of the material he has, and stretching sentences a form of spreading the word.-- Paula Cocozza, "Book review: How Dynamo Kiev beat the Luftwaffe", Independent, March 2, 2001

Such a phrase from President Nixon's era, much favored by politicians, is "at this moment in time." Presumably these five words mean "now." That pleonasm probably does little harm except, perhaps, to the reputation of the speaker.-- Eoin McKiernan, "Last Word: Special Relationships", Irish America, August 31, 1994

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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1057

Chuckle 1057
(Rich Watkins of Scotts Valley CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~What Would You Do? ~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a
taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his
home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted,” Don’t do it! This man has been very generous!

I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your SF 49'er season tickets. He paid for our house at the lake.

He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.

He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold." ***
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Word of the Day for Tuesday May 30, 2006
equable \EK-wuh-buhl; EE-kwuh-\, adjective:1. Equal and uniform; not varying.2. Not easily disturbed; not variable or changing -- said of the feelings, temper, etc.

An equable climate, evidently due to the large area of sea compared with the land, seems to extend over the greater part of the southern hemisphere; and, as a consequence, the vegetation partakes of a semi-tropical character.-- Charles Darwin, The Voyage Of Beagle

Now, there can be no doubt that Irving . . . possesses great wit and charm, as well as a temperament that is equable, cheerful, and almost relentlessly easygoing.-- Norman Podhoretz, Ex-Friends

He had an equable temperament, a straightforward Ohio friendliness, and though a national hero for his participating in the first American space flight to orbit the earth, in February 1962, he had no airs.-- Elizabeth Drew, The Corruption of American Politics
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Chuckle 1056

Chuckle 1056
(Pat M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~A Short Test for Smart People~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!


1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?





The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?




Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator? Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.


3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend... except one. Which animal does not attend?




Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.


Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?





Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.

This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes. According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old. ***
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Word of the Day for Monday May 29, 2006
forfend \for-FEND\, transitive verb:1. a. (Archaic) To prohibit; to forbid. b. To ward off; to prevent; to avert.2. To defend; to protect; to preserve.

The Tory leader sort of wanted to say that the government should deploy the army more rapidly, but -- heaven forfend -- he didn't want to imply that it was anybody's fault that the soldiers hadn't been deployed!-- Simon Hoggart, "A greasy whiff dispels the stench of worthiness", Guardian, March 22, 2001

If one of us is missing, heaven forfend, then the king's forces are diminished.-- Leon Wieseltier, Kaddish

The river of discovery will continue to flow without cessation, deepening our understanding of the world and enhancing our capacity to forfend calamity and live congenial lives.-- John Maddox, What Remains To Be Discovered

In addition, to forfend direct Chinese involvement, which was extremely unlikely, the administration guaranteed the northern regime, thus removing a major deterrent.-- Morton A. Kaplan, "Cruel Vietnam Follies", The World & I, September 1, 1995
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1055

Chuckle 1055
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rick R of Surrey BC!)

~Ralph~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, “Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die?" She says, "Of course, dear."! And they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours, do you think we could............."?

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning... You don't." ***


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Word of the Day for Sunday May 28, 2006

cerebration \ser-uh-BRAY-shuhn\, noun:The act or product of thinking; the use of the power of reason; mental activity; thought.

Generally, to the 2 1/2-year-old apple of her parents' eye, who bravely negotiates her ABC's, the recitation must seem, if anything other than pure nonsense, more like a physical task -- like rafting a river or running a steeplechase -- than cerebration.-- Daniel Menaker, "Lletters for Yyoungsters", New York Times, November 9, 1986

Celebration of cerebration is not what the public wants. Indeed, the opposite is probably true. We are suspicious of excessive smartness.-- David R. Slavitt, "You Can Go Holmes Again", New York Times, October 17, 1993

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Chuckle 1054

Chuckle 1054
(Jayne C of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Amazing Words~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

There is something unusual about these words, see if you can figure it out. The answer is below...but don't peek until you've given it a good shot!





Assess

Banana

Dresser

Grammar

Potato

Revive

Uneven

Voodoo

OK, see if you can figure out what these words have in common........

Are you peeking or have you already given up?


Scroll Down














Answer:

In all the listed words, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Did you figure it out?
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Word of the Day for Saturday May 27, 2006

malcontent \mal-kuhn-TENT; MAL-kuhn-tent\, noun:1. One who is discontented or dissatisfied.2. A discontented subject of a government; one who opposes an established order.
adjective:1. Discontented; uneasy; dissatisfied.

Her antagonism inspired him, pushed him into ever more extreme positions, and by the time he was ready to leave the house, and go off to college, he had indelibly cast himself in his chosen role: as malcontent, as rebel, as outlaw poet prowling the gutters of a ruined world.-- Paul Auster, Timbuktu

Willy, who grew up in Brooklyn, the son of Holocaust survivors, was a malcontent in college, a rebel with "a noisy, fractious disdain for Everything-That-Was."-- Michiko Kakutani, "My Life as a Dog", New York Times, June 25, 1999

How would you like to be locked in a room for a couple of days with an irritable, depressed malcontent who also happens to be imperiously smart, bored and more than a little spoiled?-- Robert Nathan, "Irritable, Depressed, Spoiled and Terrific", New York Times, September 26, 1993

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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1053

Chuckle 1053
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Sheila M of Rough and Ready CA!)
Note; Sheila received this from Joyce K. of Queen Creek, AZ.


~Five Tips for a Woman~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Foot Note:

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:

"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."

Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day!!!
***

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Word of the Day for Friday May 26, 2006
variegated \VAIR-ee-uh-gay-tid\, adjective:1. Having marks or patches of different colors; as, "variegated leaves or flowers."2. Varied; distinguished or characterized by variety; diversified.

We spotted variegated hollies, wild mahonia, bergenia, vinca and cotoneaster growing freely between the markers, and as we made our way up and down the fragrant paths, pausing over the monuments to the dead that nestled, neglected, in the tousled undergrowth, we felt like explorers in a haunted jungle.-- Caroline Seebohm, "Ambushed by Brussels", New York Times, August 22, 1999

Colours range from golden yellow to blue and include conspicuously variegated examples.-- Catherine Fieldman, "Hostas don't bear grudges", Times (London), September 2, 2000

But as no one was being hurt, you were right to sit quietly and marvel at the variegated -- and sometimes idiotic -- beliefs of humanity.-- Randy Cohen, "What Can I Say?", New York Times Magazine, July 11, 1999

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Chuckle 1052

Chuckle 1052
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Phyllis S of Pasadena CA!)

~Wisdom from Grandpa ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.

On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.

A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna "work"."

Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you. ***

Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing! It's good for the soul.
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Word of the Day for Thursday May 25, 2006

junta \HUN-tuh, JUHN-tuh\, noun:1. A governmental council or committee, especially one that rules after a revolution.2. A closely knit group united for a common purpose and usually meeting secretly; also called a junto.

His greatest fear, said Wole Soyinka, the Nigerian Nobel laureate and ardent foe of military rule, is that with the death of one tyrant, the world will not press for the entire junta to step aside.-- "Nobel Winner Calls for Nigerian Ruler to Release Political Prisoners", New York Times, June 12, 1998

The Greek junta that seized power during 1967 mobilized the courts against its foes.-- Charles S. Maier, Dissolution

Two days after the coup, the junta announced that General Videla had been designated President of the Nation.-- Marguerite Feitlowitz, A Lexicon of Terror

Still, the resemblance to political revolution is, in important ways, only metaphorical. Computer nerds aside, there is no junta driving this process of change.-- Andrew L. Shapiro, The Control Revolution
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1051

Chuckle 1051
(Charles M of Sarasota FL gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Joe's Headache~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

Joe had suffered from an extreme headache for many years. He had seen many doctors, but none had helped. Finally, he decided to try one more, a specialist who had a great reputation for curing headaches. The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for, but he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought "that's what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36." Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old" The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 32. A 32 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache." New suit = $600 New shirt = $36 New underwear = $6 Second opinion PRICELESS ***
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Word of the Day for Wednesday May 24, 2006

torpid \TOR-pid\, adjective:1. Having lost motion or the power of exertion and feeling; numb; benumbed.2. Dormant; hibernating or estivating.3. Dull; sluggish; apathetic.

Canary Islanders are citizens of Spain, but geography asserts itself from time to time, as a reminder that this land will always be Africa's: the trade winds get interrupted by strong gusts from the east that bring hot dust and sometimes even torpid, wind-buffeted locusts.-- Barbara Kingsolver, "Where the Map Stopped", New York Times, May 17, 1992

For more than twenty years--all my adult life--I have lived here: my great weight sunk, torpid in the heat, into this sagged chair on my rooftop patio.-- Peggy Payne, Sister India
Some animals became torpid in winter, others were torpid in summer.-- Ralph Waldo Emerson, The Conduct of Life

The debacle over signatures has roused the normally politically torpid Mayor, who dislikes pressing the flesh.-- Jan Cienski, "Petition bungle robs Mayor of spot on ballot", National Post, July 30, 2002

It is a man's own fault . . . if his mind grows torpid in old age.-- Samuel Johnson, quoted in James Boswell's Life of Samuel Johnson, Life of Samuel Johnson
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Chuckle 1050

Chuckle 1050
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rich and Florence C of Yuma AZ!)

~Getting Married~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you’re getting married?"

"Yep!"

"Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Well then, is she good in bed?"

"I don't know."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive!" ***

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Word of the Day for Tuesday May 23, 2006

protean \PRO-tee-un; pro-TEE-un\, adjective:1. Displaying considerable variety or diversity.2. Readily assuming different shapes or forms.

The [Broadway] musical was ceaselessly protean in these years, usually conventional but always developing convention, twisting it, replacing it.-- Ethan Mordden, Coming Up Roses

Roosevelt's performance in the civil rights meeting illustrated one of the central operating principles of his protean executive style, a style that transformed the presidency, and the nation: a willingness to delay decisions, change his mind, keep his options open, avoid commitments, or even deceive people in the relentless pursuit of noble objectives.-- William Doyle, Inside the Oval Office

He was a protean character who constantly adapted to his environment.-- David Maraniss, The Clinton Enigma

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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1049

Chuckle 1049
(Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA just back from Alaska gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~IRS~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

Father O'Malley answered the phone.

"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is."

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I can."

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do."

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is."

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will." ***

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Word of the Day for Monday May 22, 2006
incontrovertible \in-kon-truh-VUR-tuh-buhl\, adjective:Too clear or certain to admit of dispute; indisputable; unquestionable.

It is in the nature of philosophical questions that they do not have final, incontrovertible answers, or, more exactly, that every answer raises new questions.-- George Soros, Open Society: Reforming Global Capitalism

And although the evidence was substantial, it was not incontrovertible.-- Al Strachan, "Phantom Goal, part 2", Toronto Sun, May 23, 1999

Despite speculation based on ancient tales and ancient art, no incontrovertible evidence has been discovered of polio's existence before the nineteenth century, at least not in its epidemic form.-- Sherwin B. Nuland, "A Summer Plague: Polio and Its Survivors", New Republic, October 16, 1995
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Chuckle 1048
(George H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Real Newspaper Ads ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES... Mother, AKC German shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.

AND THE BEST ONE:

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month, husband knows everything. ***

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Word of the Day for Sunday May 21, 2006

bombinate \BOM-buh-nayt\, intransitive verb:To buzz; to hum; to drone.

He is often drunk. His head hurts. Snatches of conversation, remembered precepts, prefigured cries of terror bombinate about his skull.-- Elspeth Barker, "Nobs and the rabble, all in the same boat", Independent, September 22, 1996

Sometimes the computer bombinates way into the night, stops for a bit of rest, then resumes its hum at the early hours of the morning.-- Cheryl Glenn and Robert J. Connors, New St. Martins Guide to Teaching Writing
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1047

Chuckle 1047
(Today's chuckle thanks go to GGBG of Florence OR!)

~Grandma's Boyfriend ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said, "Hello, son is your Grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted. ***

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Word of the Day for Saturday May 20, 2006

cognoscente \kon-yuh-SHEN-tee; kog-nuh-; -SEN-\, noun;plural cognoscenti \-tee\:A person with special knowledge of a subject; a connoisseur.

However, I thought it well to acquaint myself with the latest scientific thinking, so as not to write a tale that would embarrass me among the cognoscenti.-- Ronald Wright, A Scientific Romance

In the early 1600s, however, beliefs that decried curiosity and restricted information about the "secrets" of nature to a handful of cognoscenti were under attack.-- Tom Shachtman, Absolute Zero and the Conquest of Cold

Greenspan, to his credit, tells the truth about what he does, but until now, he has done it in a way that only the cognoscenti can understand.-- Paul Krugman, "Labor Pains", New York Times Magazine, May 23, 1999

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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1046

Chuckle 1046
(Sandy J of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Blondes and the Highway Patrol~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

Our three blondes were applying for the last available position on the Oklahoma Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "You know these are TUFF times, and we mean business around here. So y'all want to be a cop, eh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc".

He stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. "Now, he said, "Did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?"

The blonde immediately said! "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for 2 seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you?

Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused, too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde, Tamara, and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He lashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,

"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?"

Tamara rolled her eyes and said, "Duh! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses." ***


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Word of the Day for Thursday May 18, 2006

palimpsest \PAL-imp-sest\, noun:1. A manuscript, usually of papyrus or parchment, on which more than one text has been written with the earlier writing incompletely erased and still visible.2. An object or place whose older layers or aspects are apparent beneath its surface.

The manuscript is a palimpsest consisting of vellum leaves from which the "fluent and assured script" of the original Archimedes text and 55 diagrams had been washed or scraped off so that the surface could be used for new writings.-- Roger Highfield, "Eureka! Archimedes text is to be sold at auction", Daily Telegraph, October 3, 1998

Each is a palimpsest, one improvisation partly burying another but leaving hints of it behind.-- Robert Hughes, "Delight for Its Own Sake", Time, January 22, 1996

It's a mysterious many-layered palimpsest of a metropolis where generations of natives and visitors have left their mark, from Boadicea and the Romans, through the Middle Ages and the Elizabethan era to the present.-- Philip French, "Jack the knife", The Observer, February 10, 2002
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Chuckle 1045

Chuckle 1045
(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~ Revitalizing the Church ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony!!"

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"I know, son," replied the elderly priest, "but that flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n tell or Go to Hell' just can't stay on the church roof!" ***

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(Click Today in History and learn.)

• Today in history
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Word of the Day for Wednesday May 17, 2006

arrant \AR-unt\, adjective:Thoroughgoing; downright; out-and-out; confirmed; extreme; notorious.

More deplorable is his arrant and compulsive hypocrisy . . Under all the chest hair, he was a hollow man.-- J. D. McClatchy, review of Crux: The Letters of James Dickey, New York Times, December 19, 1999

I think a pilot would be a most arrant coward, if through fear of bad weather he did not wait for the storm to break but sank his ship on purpose.-- Georges Minois, History Of Suicide translated by Lydia Cochrane

The moon's an arrant thief,And her pale fire she snatches from the sun.-- Shakespeare, Timon of Athens

The entire story is a load of arrant nonsense.-- Victor Pelevin, Buddha's Little Finger translated by Andrew Bromfield
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below

Chuckle 1044

Chuckle 1044
(Rick R of Surrey BC and Dean O of Florence OR get today's chuckle thanks!)



~Two Short Ones~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

From Rick; ~What Happened to You? ~

An emergency doctor asks “What happen to you?

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No." She answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" "Yes." She replied. Then I said, “I’d like to phone a friend." That's the last thing I remember. ***

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From Dean; ~Major Breakthrough!!!!~

A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.

This is a major breakthrough.

Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

This should end that problem once and for all!! ***
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(Click Today in History and learn.)

• Today in history
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Word of the Day for Tuesday May 16, 2006

fulsome \FUL-sum\, adjective:1. Offensive to the taste or sensibilities.2. Insincere or excessively lavish; especially, offensive from excess of praise.

He recorded the event in his journal: "Long evening visit from Mr. Langtree--a fulsome flatterer."-- Edward L. Widmer, Young America: The Flowering of Democracy in New York City

Concealed disgust under the appearance of fulsome endearment.-- Oliver Goldsmith, The Citizen of the World
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Chuckle 1043

Chuckle 1043
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Bev L of Florence OR!)

( New Cadillac XLR. $77,295)

~Women Drivers~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rearview mirror putting on her eyeliner!! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back, she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car, using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Happy driving! ***

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• Today in history
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Word of the Day for Monday May 15, 2006

multifarious \muhl-tuh-FAIR-ee-uhs\, adjective:Having great diversity or variety; of various kinds; diversified.

She is good at constructing a long, multifarious narrative, weaving many minor stories into one, so that you are left with a sense of the fluidity and ambiguity of historical interpretation.-- Jason Cowley, "It's bright clever... but the result is academic", The Observer, May 27, 2001

Men's opinions, accordingly, on what is laudable or blamable, are affected by all the multifarious causes which influence their wishes in regard to the conduct of others, and which are as numerous as those which determine their wishes on any other subject.-- John Stuart Mill, On Liberty

But as he reached the verge of the lawn and vaulted the retaining wall there, crossed the flagstone walkway and started up the steps of the ad building, the multifarious marvel of his congested brain surprised him--the apes flew right out of his head and he was thinking about California.-- T. Coraghessan Boyle, Riven Rock
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1042

To all of you wonderful mothers, have a great day!!

Chuckle 1042
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Lai S of Rancho Cordova CA!)

~The Seamstress~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The lord dipped his hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No."

The lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "no."

The lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.” is this thimble?" the lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?" "Oh lord, my husband has fallen into the river!" the lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson.

"Is this your husband?" the lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if i had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with tom cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had i then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I’m not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so that's why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."

The moral of this story is: - whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it! ***

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• Today in history

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Word of the Day for Sunday May 14, 2006

cupidity \kyoo-PID-uh-tee\, noun:Eager or excessive desire, especially for wealth; greed; avarice.

Curiosity was a form of lust, a wandering cupidity of the eye and the mind.-- John Crowley, "Of Marvels And Monsters", Washington Post, October 18, 1998

At the end, all but rubbing his hands with cupidity, Rockefeller declares he will now promote abstract art--it's better for business.-- Stuart Klawans, "Rock in a Hard Place", The Nation, December 27, 1999

This strain of cupidity sprang from the mean circumstances of his youth in the Finger Lakes district of upstate New York.-- Jack Beatty, "A Capital Life", New York Times, May 17, 1998

For such is human cupidity that we Thoroughbreds have but one chance to survive it -- to run so fast and to win so much money that we are retired in comfort in our declining days.-- William Murray, "From the Horse's Mouth", New York Times, August 8, 1993

Myself, I have always believed that BMWs achieve their presence (and their grip on the collective imagination and cupidity of the middle classes) because they combine an athletic, masculine bulk and stance with feminine details and lines.-- Stephen Bayley, "The evolution of the curve", Independent, October 22, 1998
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Chuckle 1041

Chuckle 1041
(Dick L of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Mayonnaise~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were inconsolable at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo. ***

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Word of the Day for Saturday May 13, 2006

appurtenance \uh-PUR-tn-un(t)s\, noun:1. An adjunct; an accessory; something added to another, more important thing.2. [Plural]. Accessory objects; gear; apparatus.3. [Law]. An incidental right attached to a principal property right for purposes such as passage of title, conveyance, or inheritance.

The inauguration of presidents, the coronation of monarchs, the celebration of national holidays--these events require everywhere the presence of the soldier as a "ceremonial appurtenance."-- Barbara Ehrenreich, Blood Rites

She began by demolishing an 18th-century Paris mansion whose wainscoting, paneling and other appurtenances she admired, instructing an architect to design a house for her that would incorporate these elements.-- Angeline Goreau, "A Spectacular Mess of a Marriage", New York Times, August 31, 1997

Apart from sports cars, he did not have his father's passion for the appurtenances of celebrity.-- Howard Chua-Eoan, "He Was My Hero'", Time, January 27, 1997

A few of the appurtenances of wealth are well known--the Range Rovers and Rolexes, the little Chanel purses and the personal chefs trained in the Pritikin diet.-- Richard Lacayo, "Murder in Polo Land", Time, September 22, 1997
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1040

Chuckle 1040
(Nadine W of Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Pantyhose Quiz~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

Now, think about it......

Ready? ARE YOU SURE???

>
>
>
>

Answer:
10 little piggies
>
>
>
>
2 calves,
>
>
>
>
1 ass,
>
>
>
>
and an unknown number of hares.
>
>
>
>
Now I bet you didn't know that! ***
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(Click Today in History and learn.)

• Today in history

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Word of the Day for Friday May 12, 2006

virtu \vuhr-TOO; vir-\, noun:1. love of or taste for fine objects of art.2. Productions of art (especially fine antiques).3. Artistic quality.

The Italian humanist Giovanni Pontano described these objects as "statues, pictures, tapestries, divans, chairs of ivory, cloth interwoven with gems, many-coloured boxes and coffers in the Arabian style, crystal vases and other things of this kind . . . [whose] sight . . . is pleasing and brings prestige to the owner of the house." They all spoke to the wealth, taste and virtu of their owner.-- John Brewer, The Pleasures of the Imagination

Divans, Persian rugs, easy chairs, books, statuary, articles of virtu and bric-a-brac are on every side, and the whole has the appearance of a place where one could dream his life away.-- "Mark Twain's Summer Home", The New York Times, September 10, 1882
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Chuckle 1039

Chuckle 1039
(Someone sent this to me in 2001; so today's chuckle thanks go to an anonymous source!)

~Barn Yard Humor!! ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A farmer brings a brand new stud rooster home for his chicken coop ... The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old timer, it's time for you to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the comer?" The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs, "You know you don’t stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start." The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM! He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Damn it...third gay rooster I bought this month! ***

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Word of the Day for Thursday May 11, 2006

derogate \DER-uh-gayt\, intransitive verb:1. To deviate from what is expected.2. To take away; to detract; -- usually with 'from'.
transitive verb:1. To disparage or belittle; to denigrate.

If someone wants to derogate from that and make a choice, then they are free to do it.-- Ciaran Fitzgerald, "Food champion'srecipe for success", Irish Times, November 13, 1998

Evidently, in Robbins's moral calculus, prostituting one's art in the name of the foremost mass murderer of modern times does not in the least derogate from one's idealism and courage.-- Terry Teachout, "Cradle of Lies", Commentary Magazine, February 2000

Likewise, there has been a blatant attempt to distort the impact of Ronald Reagan's leadership during this period and to derogate or deny his accomplishments.-- Edwin Meese, With Reagan

And if the other is other than us, then that otherness is either something we would like to have, so we choose to romanticize the other; or it is something we would like to leave behind, so we choose to derogate the other; or it is something we would like to keep available, so we choose to celebrate the other.-- Richard A. Shweder, "Storytelling Among the Anthropologists", New York Times, September 21, 1986
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1037

Chuckle 1037
(Mary S of Los Osos CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Blond Logic~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken." ***
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SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and ask s her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!" ***
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CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor” She asks, "How often do I have to do that?" ***
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(Click Today in History and learn.)

• Today in history

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Word of the Day for Tuesday May 9, 2006

otiose \OH-shee-ohs; OH-tee-\, adjective:1. Ineffective; futile.2. Being at leisure; lazy; indolent; idle.3. Of no use.

Mr. Federspiel's surreal flourishes and commentaries straddle the line between interesting and otiose. Most of the surrealism is pretty but pointless.-- D. F. Wallace, "The Million-Dollar Tattoo", New York Times, May 5, 1991

Although the wild outer movements and the angular Minuet can take such clockwork precision, the Andante, with its obsessive, claustrophobic dialogues between strings and bassoons, seemed sluggish and otiose.-- Tim Ashley, "VPO/Maazel", The Guardian, April 16, 2002

The umlaut he affected, which made no difference to the pronunciation of his name, was as otiose as a pair of strategically positioned beauty spots.-- Peter Conrad, "Hidden shallows", New Statesman, October 14, 2002

One hazard for religions in which all professional intermediaries are dispensed with, and in which the individual is enjoined to 'work out your own salvation' and is regarded as fully capable of doing so, is that belief and practice become independent of formal organized structures which may in such a context come to be perceived as otiose.-- Lorne L. Dawson, "The Cultural Significance of New Religious Movements: The Case of Soka Gakkai", Sociology of Religion, Fall 2001
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1036

Chuckle 1036
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Dean O of Florence OR!)


~Two Short Ones~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

~Friendship Differences~

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there. ***
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~Trucker in Need~

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen, sweetheart, I ain't horny; I'm homesick."
***
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(Click Today in History and learn.)

• Today in history

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Word of the Day for Monday May 8, 2006

aspersion \uh-SPUR-zhuhn; -shuhn\, noun:1. A damaging or derogatory remark; slander.2. The act of defaming or slandering.3. A sprinkling with water, especially in religious ceremonies.

Orley had once been forced to resign from a local men's club for casting aspersions on the character of another member's wife.-- Thomas A. Underwood, Allen Tate: Orphan of the South

Its meetings were fiercely argumentative; members seemed to love nothing better than to cast aspersions on each other's intellect and class loyalty.-- Glenn Frankel, Rivonia's Children
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Chuckle 1035

Chuckle 1035
(Pat M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~School Answering Machine~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

(No wonder some people were offended!) This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California) staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.

This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes.

The outgoing message: "Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2
* To complain about what we do - Press 3
* To swear at staff members - Press 4
* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
* If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
* To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
* To complain about school lunches - Press 0
* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day! ***
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(Click Today in History and learn.)

• Today in history

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Word of the Day for Sunday May 7, 2006

pablum \PAB-luhm\, noun:Something (as writing or speech) that is trite, insipid, or simplistic.

I imagined his thoughts had been solely of me, that the letter would be filled with love sonnets, that it would gush with the same romantic pablum I devoured from those movie star magazines.-- Kate Walbert, The Gardens of Kyoto

. .the mindless pablum of celebrity journalism, the endless stories about self-promoting actors and movie stars who pretend they dislike the press.-- Richard Stengel, "It Ain't Necessarily Bad That Nobody's Interested in Politics", Time, March 2, 2001
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)