Chuckle 1119

Chuckle 1119
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Pam S of Roseville CA!)


~Little Old Ladies~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

HOW LATEX GLOVES ARE MADE!

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't" she replied

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes. They walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.

Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working! ***


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Word of the Day for Monday July 31, 2006

contretemps \KAHN-truh-tahn\, noun;plural contretemps \-tahnz\:An inopportune or embarrassing situation or event; a hitch.

Mrs. Post was the center of a notable contretemps when she spilled a spoonful of berries at a dinner of the Gourmet Society here in 1938.-- "Emily Post Is Dead Here at 86; Writer was Arbiter of Etiquette", New York Times, September 27, 1960

He looked worried, distressed, more distressed than one should look in the face of a slight contretemps.-- Anita Brookner, Undue Influence

Nathan was a fiercely ambitious and competitive man, as quick to take offenceas to give it in his business dealings, and it is not difficult to imagine him responding impetuously to such a contretemps.-- Niall Ferguson, The House of Rothschild
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)




Answer: Dog's mouth, boy's hair, bee, worm, freckles and sucker stick.

Chuckle 1118

Chuckle 1118
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA!)


~Evolution in Teaching Math~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

Last week I purchased a burger and fries at McDonalds for $3.58.

The counter girl took my $4.00 and I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies. While looking at the screen on her register, I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?


Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s......

~Teaching Math in 1950~
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

~Teaching Math in 1960~
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

~Teaching Math in 1970 ~
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

~Teaching Math in 1980 ~
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20 your assignment: Underline the number 20.

~Teaching Math in 1990 ~
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)

~Teaching Math In 2006~
Un ranchero vende una carretera de maderapara $100. El cuesto de la produccion era $80. Cuantos tort illas se puede comprar? ***

*******************************************************************************
~Gone Deaf~

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

The farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
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Word of the Day for Sunday July 30, 2006

heterogeneous \het-uh-ruh-JEE-nee-uhs; -JEE-nyuhs\, adjective:Consisting of dissimilar elements, parts, or ingredients -- opposed to homogeneous.

According to the historian Albert Fein, New York embodied "the challenge of a democratic nation's capacity to plan for and maintain an urban environment to meet the needs of a uniquely heterogeneous population."-- Robert A. M. Stern, "et al.", New York 1880

He worked texture and color into the mortar and cement with heterogeneous bits of found junk, from seashells and stones to busted chunks of Phillips' Milk of Magnesia bottles.-- Gene Santoro, Myself When I Am Real

Fragmentation was inevitable within such a heterogeneous group, whose members had little in common.-- Lilia Shevtsova, "et al.", Yeltsin's Russia
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Chuckle 1117

Chuckle 1117
(Garry B of La Habra CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Good Old Tradition~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.

The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly, but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message: "WATCH OUT FOR THESE ASSHOLES. THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND." ***

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Word of the Day for Saturday July 29, 2006

eschew \es-CHOO\, transitive verb:To shun; to avoid (as something wrong or distasteful).

In high school and college the Vassar women had enjoyed that lifestyle, but afterward they had eschewed it as shallow.-- Nina Burleigh, A Very Private Woman

While teaching in Beijing, Jiangsu, and Zhejiang in the late 1920s, he helped launch what became known as the "new poetry" movement, which eschewed traditional forms and encouraged topics based on everyday life.-- Bruce Gilley, Tiger on the Brink

Finally, the first American diplomats . . . made a point of eschewing fancy dress, titles, entertainments, and all manner of protocol, so as to be walking, talking symbols of republican piety.-- Walter A. McDougall, Promised Land, Crusader State
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1116

Chuckle 1116
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Dick L of Florence OR!)

(Closest thing I could
find to a galloping pig.)
~Tough Spot~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your right side is a valley and on your left side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Answer below*

8

8

8

8

8

8

8

8

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. ***

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_Word of the Day for Friday July 28, 2006

germane \juhr-MAYN\, adjective:Appropriate or fitting; relevant.

The issue is not germane to the present discussion.-- Richard Wollheim, On the Emotions

As long as the argument remains germane, he listens attentively, putting on and removing heavy tortoise-shell glasses and leaning across the bench.-- Philip Hamburger, Matters of State

In times of catastrophe we allow public officials to declare "states of emergency" that replace some normal rules . . . with a more germane set.-- Seth Shulman, "Owning the Future: In Africa, Patents Kill", Technology Review, April 2001

I have many secrets, most of which are not at all germane to the topic . . and would probably be completely inappropriate to tell.-- David Gewirtz, "I Have a Secret", PalmPower Magazine, August 2000
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Chuckle 1115

Chuckle 1115
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Pat M of Florence OR!)


~The Natural Universe~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

These are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe...and I have been affected by every one of them. ---Pat---

1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

5. Law of the Alibi If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).

7. Bath Theory When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work... it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet / rug.

15. Law of Location No matter where you go, there you are.

16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

18. Oliver's Law A closed mouth gathers no feet.

19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

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Word of the Day for Thursday July 27, 2006

apologia \ap-uh-LOH-jee-uh; -juh\, noun:A formal defense or justification, especially of one's opinions, position, or actions.

Mr. Arbatov is well aware that he was perceived in this country as a spokesman at best and toady at worst for the regime. And he clearly wants this book to serve as his apologia.-- Bernard Gwertzman, "When Soviet Bureaucrats Were the Last to Know", New York Times, August 20, 1992

I should hasten to add that this volume is neither a dreary academic summary nor a tedious apologia by a politician who has just left office.-- Jack F. Matlock Jr., "Chinese Checkers", New York Times, September 13, 1998

John F. Lehman Jr. has written a lively and provocative apologia, in the classic sense of the word, to defend and justify his stewardship as Secretary of the Navy from 1981 to 1987.-- Richard Halloran, "Floating a Few Proposals", New York Times, February 19, 1989

The work is "a classic apologia, an aggressive defense of Roth's moral stance as an author," Harold Bloom said in The Book Review last year.-- Patricia T. O'Conner, New York Times, September 14, 1986
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1114

Chuckle 1114
(Mary S of Los Osos CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~How to Call the Police~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

George Phillips of Meridian , Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things... He phoned the police, who asked "Are any of those people in your house" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply stay in his house, lock his doors and an officer would be along when available.

George said, “Okay," hung up .......counted to
30.........and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you few seconds ago because there were people in my shed." “Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all". Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" ***

(True Story) I LOVE IT...

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Word of the Day for Wednesday July 26, 2006

grandiloquent \gran-DIL-uh-kwuhnt\, adjective:Lofty in style; pompous; bombastic.

He became more than usually grandiloquent as if to make up for the years of silence with words of gold.-- Peter Ackroyd, "Supreme man of letters", Times (London), November 22, 2000

The more grandiloquent and picturesque the language the greater the distance at which he keeps you.-- Richard Eder, "Irish Memories, Irish Poetry", New York Times, September 19, 1976

A voracious reader with a passion for history and great men, he was a droll raconteur with a grandiloquent style.-- Richard Siklos, Shades of Black
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Chuckle 1113

Chuckle 1113
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Jayne C of Florence OR!)


~Welfare Office~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...

"WOW," the social worker exclaims,” are they ALL YOURS???

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy."

All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."

"OK, and who's next?"

"Well, this one he is Leroy, also."

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm! Seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"

Their Momma replied, "Well, yes - it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'

"An’ when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes arunnin'.

"An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of 'em stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' 'em all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"I call them by their last names." ***

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Word of the Day for Tuesday July 25, 2006
plebeian \plih-BEE-uhn\, adjective:1. Of or pertaining to the Roman plebs, or common people.2. Of or pertaining to the common people.3. Vulgar; common; crude or coarse in nature or manner.
noun:1. One of the plebs, or common people of ancient Rome; opposed to patrician.2. One of the common people or lower classes.3. A coarse, crude, or vulgar person.

He was unashamed of his plebeian roots but keen to provide himself with aristocratic forebears.-- Graham Robb, Victor Hugo

During the Soviet era, anyone of any ethnic background who did the dirty deeds demanded of them to get ahead was rewarded with a crummy but better-than-average apartment, a steady supply of cheap sausage and low-grade vodka, and a host of other plebeian amenities too dull to talk about here.-- Jeffrey Tayler, "Russia's Other World, interview by Toby Lester", The Atlantic, March 10, 1999

For cultivated Germans, politics was associated with grasping, greedy, plebeian men, out for their own selfish interests instead of the larger good of the nation.-- Ian Buruma, "The Tin Ear", New Republic, January 31, 2000

Very generally, American public men before Lincoln had grown up in the environment of slave and free, master and servant, employer and employee, rich and poor, aristocrat and plebeian.-- Arthur E. Morgan, "New Light on Lincoln's Boyhood", The Atlantic, February 1920
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1112

Chuckle 1112
(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Pearls from High School Essays~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year, to the amusement of teachers across the country.

Here are last year's winners.....
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances, like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of thos! e boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 730.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 pm traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 pm at a speed of 35 mph.
14. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
15. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
16. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
17. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
18. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
19. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this just might work.
20. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
21. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
22. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
23. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
24. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. ***
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Word of the Day for Monday July 24, 2006

limn \LIM\, transitive verb:1. To depict by drawing or painting.2. To portray in words; to describe.

Oh, yes, I write, as I limn the familiar perfections of his profile, "you look very well."-- Kimberly Elkins, "What Is Visible", The Atlantic, March 2003

In telling these people's stories Mr. Butler draws upon the same gifts of empathy and insight, the same ability to limn an entire life in a couple of pages.-- Michiko Kakutani, "Earthlings May Endanger Your Peaceful Rationality", New York Times, March 10, 2000

But used faithfully and correctly, language can "limn the actual, imagined and possible lives of its speakers, readers, writers."-- John Darnton, "In Sweden, Proof of The Power Of Words", New York Times, December 8, 1993
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Chuckle 1111

Chuckle 1111 (Hey, this is a palindrome)
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Joyce K of Queen Creek AZ!)


~Public Service~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of
the word "service." "It's the act of doing things for other people."
Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:

Internal Revenue Service

Postal Service

Telephone Service

Civil Service

City & County Public Service

Customer Service

Service Stations

Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant. So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us. I hope you now are as enlightened as I am. ***

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Word of the Day for Sunday July 23, 2006

mordant \MOR-d'nt\, adjective:Biting; caustic; sarcastic.
Mr. Justice Moorcroft's forte, a part which he had played for so many years that it had become instinctive, was a courteous reasonableness occasionally enlivened with shafts of mordant wit.-- P. D. James, A Certain Justice

I moved from one knot of people to another, surrounded by a kind of envious respect because of Sophie's interest in me, although subjected to a certain mordant raillery from some of this witty company.-- Peter Brooks, World Elsewhere

He had a mordant wit as well . . . , a bit wicked and waspish even.-- Janice A. Radway, A Feeling for Books
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1110

Chuckle 1110
(Bev L of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~The Scotsman and the Dentist~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.

"£85 for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.

"£85!!! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"

"That's the normal charge," said the dentist

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock £15 off.

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an anesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to £40".

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"

It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you £5. But it's going to be very traumatic."

"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?" ***
.

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Word of the Day for Saturday July 22, 2006

cursory \KUR-suh-ree\, adjective:Hastily or superficially performed.

In a time when most college coeds had strict curfews, Bennington students had none, and only a cursory morning check to make sure that we were alive and in our beds.-- Kathleen Norris, The Virgin of Bennington

When she handed me the tickets, I took a cursory look at them to see if all was in order.-- Bell Hooks, Killing Rage: Ending Racism

On most days, however, she confined her daily reading to a cursory scan of two or three newspapers.-- James A. Drake, Rosa Ponselle: A Centenary Biography
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Chuckle 1109

Chuckle 1109
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Sheila M of Rough and Ready CA!)


~Mexican Earthquake~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico.

Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with asking for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

GOD BLESS AMERICA

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Word of the Day for Friday July 21, 2006

exculpate \EK-skuhl-payt; ek-SKUHL-payt\, transitive verb:To clear from alleged fault or guilt; to prove to be guiltless; to relieve of blame; to acquit.

Each member is determined to exculpate himself, to lay the blame elsewhere.-- Joseph Wood Krutch, "How Will Posterity Rank O'Neill?", New York Times, October 21, 1956

At the same time, they said, representatives of the inspector general's office at the CIA were generally protective of the intelligence agents involved in the matter, highlighting evidence that seemed to exculpate them.-- Tim Golden, "Guerrilla's Asylum Analyzed Amid Contradictory Claims", New York Times, December 12, 1996
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1108

Chuckle 1108
(George H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Hospital Info~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients? I'd like to find out if a family member is doing better." The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?" "Sarah Finkel, room 302." "I'll connect you with the nursing station." "3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?" "I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302." "Are you a family member?" "Yes, Yes I am...” "Hold on... let me look at her records... Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine. She is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, looks like Dr. Cohen is going to send her home very soon!" The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!" The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a sister or perhaps an aunt..?" "Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! And NOBODY here ever tells me nothin!!" ***


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Word of the Day for Thursday July 20, 2006

nescience \NESH-uhn(t)s; NESH-ee-uhn(t)s\, noun:Lack of knowledge or awareness; ignorance.

The ancients understood that too much knowledge could actually impede human functioning -- this at a time when the encroachments on global nescience were comparatively few.-- Cullen Murphy, "DNA Fatigue", The Atlantic, November 1997

He fought on our behalf in the war that finally matters: against nescience, against inadvertence, against the supposition that anything is anything else.-- Hugh Kenner, "On the Centenary of James Joyce", New York Times, January 31, 1982

The notion has taken hold that every barometric fluctuation must demonstrate climate change. This anecdotal case for global warming is mostly nonsense, driven by nescience of a basic point, from statistics and probability, that the weather is always weird somewhere.-- Gregg Easterbrook, "Warming Up", The New Republic, November 8, 1999
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Chuckle 1107

Chuckle 1107
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Carrie M of Sacramento CA!)

~Love Dress~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A woman stopped by unannounced at her married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed t he lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?" ***
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• Today in history
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Word of the Day for Wednesday July 19, 2006

bon ton \bahn-TAHN\, noun:1. Fashionable or elegant manner or style.2. The proper or fashionable thing to do.3. Fashionable society; a fashionable social set.

Here, braving the bon ton of New York in the early 1900s, he seemed uncomfortable throughout, as if he had been invited to an Edith Wharton party for which he was not suitably dressed.-- Stanley Kauffmann, "Women in Danger", New Republic, January 15, 2001

Though he was a college junior, his father, Bruno, was an owner of . . . a restaurant in Manhattan popular with the bon ton, so he knows what he was talking about.-- Anthony Haden-Guest, The Last Party

The bon ton here is to be grave and learned.-- Horace Walpole
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1106

Chuckle 1106
(Charles M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks!)




~Used Car Lot~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it? "Heavens no, we bought it." "Then why don't you drive it away." "We can't drive." "Then why did you buy it?" "We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed ... so we're just waiting. ***
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Word of the Day for Tuesday July 18, 2006

scuttlebutt \SKUHT-l-buht\, noun:1. A drinking fountain on a ship.2. A cask on a ship that contains the day's supply of drinking water.3. Gossip; rumor.

What were they talking about? Sports? Neighborhood scuttlebutt? Off-color jokes? I didn't know; I knew only how exciting it was to see Dad in action.-- Eric Liu, The Accidental Asian
It was written in the optimistic belief that open debate beats backroom scuttlebutt.-- Jon Entine, Taboo

In snooping around, my mother overheard the pageant scuttlebutt, which was that Snow White was the big winner.-- Delta Burke with Alexis Lipsitz, Delta Style
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Chuckle 1105

Chuckle 1105
(Pam S of Roseville CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Guy Rules~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

The Guys' Rules At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules” From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!


1. Men ARE not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can -to give them a bigger laugh ***

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Word of the Day for Monday July 17, 2006

innocuous \ih-NOK-yoo-uhs\, adjective:1. Harmless; producing no ill effect.2. Not likely to offend or provoke; as, "an innocuous remark."

Furthermore, the public, not knowing how to interpret certain facts and figures, may end up unfairly vilifying a company that uses only innocuous traces of a certain toxic chemical.-- "Can Selfishness Save the Environment?", The Atlantic, September 13, 2000

Maybe Grandpop misunderstood that perfectly innocuous remark and thought the man said "smell." Anyway his temper crackled and exploded.-- John McCabe, Cagney
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1104

Chuckle 1104
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA!)


~Polish Sausage~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something, if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I were Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I were German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I were Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I were Mexican?

Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no!"

"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I were Irish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot" ***



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Word of the Day for Sunday July 16, 2006

imbroglio \im-BROHL-yoh\, noun:1. A complicated and embarrassing state of things.2. A confused or complicated disagreement or misunderstanding.3. An intricate, complicated plot, as of a drama or work of fiction.4. A confused mass; a tangle.

The political imbroglio also appears to endanger the latest International Monetary Fund loan package for Russia, which is considered critical to avoid a default this year on the country's $17 billion in foreign debt.-- David Hoffman, "Citing Economy, Yeltsin Fires Premier", Washington Post, May 13, 1999

Worse still, hearings and investigations into scandals -- from the imbroglio over Clarence Thomas's Supreme Court nomination in 1991 to the charges of perjury against President Clinton in 1998 -- have overshadowed any consideration of the country's future.-- John B. Judis, The Paradox of American Democracy

To the extent that Washington had a policy toward the subcontinent, its aim was to be evenhanded and not get drawn into the diplomatic imbroglio over Kashmir.-- George Perkovich, India's Nuclear Bomb

The imbroglio over the seemingly arcane currency issue threatens to plunge Indonesia -- and possibly its neighbors as well -- into a renewed bout of financial turmoil.-- Paul Blustein, "Currency Dispute Threatens Indonesia's Bailout", Washington Post, February 14, 1998
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Chuckle 1103

Chuckle 1103
(Dick L of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Dog Bite~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Two boys in Boston were playing baseball when one of them was attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off of a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck.

A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy. The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline:" Brave Young Red Sox Fan Saves Friend from Jaws of Vicious Animal."

"But I'm not a Red Sox fan," the little hero interjected.

"Sorry" replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, Mass, I just assumed you were." Hitting the delete key, the reporter began: "John Kerry Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Dog Attack."

"But I'm not a Kerry fan either," the boy responded

The reporter said, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Red Sox or Kerry or Kennedy. What team or person do you like?"

"I'm a Texas Ranger fan and I really like George W. Bush," the boy said.

Hitting the delete key, the reporter began again: "Arrogant Little Conservative Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet." ***



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Word of the Day for Saturday July 15, 2006

quandary \KWAHN-duh-ree; -dree\, noun:A state of difficulty, perplexity, doubt, or uncertainty.

Don . . told me of the quandary that the authorities were in. Should the ruins be left untouched or should they be reconstructed for a new wave of tourists?-- Benjamin Hopkins, "How to avoid the tourists in Peru", Times (London), May 6, 2000

The school commissioners . . . were in a quandary over the needful size of an "open-air playground."-- Jacob A. Riis, The Battle with the Slum

Once or twice as I stood waiting there for things to accomplish themselves, I could not resist an impulse to laugh at my miserable quandary.-- H.G. Wells, The Island of Doctor Moreau
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1102

Chuckle 1102
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Retha A of Richland OR!)


~Who's yo Daddy???~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

When someone puts in for Child Support, the proper thing to do is to find out who the father is and see why he is not providing support.

The following are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. Or putting it another way....Who's yo Daddy! These are genuine excerpts from the forms.

Be sure to check out # 11 - it takes the prize and # 3 is runner up.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto heels in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the same to me.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well I don't have a clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at
146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

Yep, you guessed it right. We are all paying taxes to support these dim bulbs.

Is this a great country.....or what! ***


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Word of the Day for Friday July 14, 2006

arrant \AR-unt\, adjective:Thoroughgoing; downright; out-and-out; confirmed; extreme; notorious.

More deplorable is his arrant and compulsive hypocrisy . . Under all the chest hair, he was a hollow man.-- J. D. McClatchy, review of Crux: The Letters of James Dickey, New York Times, December 19, 1999

I think a pilot would be a most arrant coward, if through fear of bad weather he did not wait for the storm to break but sank his ship on purpose.-- Georges Minois, History Of Suicide translated by Lydia Cochrane

The moon's an arrant thief,And her pale fire she snatches from the sun.-- Shakespeare, Timon of Athens

The entire story is a load of arrant nonsense.-- Victor Pelevin, Buddha's Little Finger translated by Andrew Bromfield
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Chuckle 1101

Chuckle 1101
(Dean O of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Inheritance ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one night he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

“I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, “but in just a week or two my father will die and I'll inherit 200 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men... ***

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Word of the Day for Thursday July 13, 2006

florid \FLOR-id\, adjective:1. Flushed with red; of a lively reddish color.2. Excessively ornate; flowery; as, "a florid style; florid eloquence."

The Reverend Mr Kidney is a short round bowlegged man with black muttonchop whiskers and a florid face, like a pomegranate, into which he has poured a great quantity of brandy and lesser amounts of whisky and claret.-- Tom Gilling, The Sooterkin

Even though avant-garde attacks on the Victorian bourgeoisie were florid in rhetoric, deficient in evidence, and malicious in intent, it does not follow that they had no objective grounds.-- Peter Gay, Pleasure Wars: The Bourgeois Experience

Many were florid and overweight, too bulkily dressed and perspiring freely.-- Robert Stone, Damascus Gate

The journalist Frank Crane would later glorify the . . . factory in florid prose as "a sermon in steel and glass," a "Temple of Work" in which machinery rather than an organ provided the music and the choir "was the glad laughter of happy workers."-- RolandMarchand, Creating the Corporate Soul
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1100

Chuckle 1100
(Sheila M of Rough and Ready CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)

Note; for “Mr. Chuckles Blog” just click http://mrchuckles2006.blogspot.com/
Once you get it add it to your favorites! --- Jerry---


~Court Docket~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET!
12659 ---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY a lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man
(About 20 years old) what he had to say for himself?

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:

When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin’ and I grinned." "Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ‘Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile. "Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself." "BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, ‘Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it." "CASE DISMISSED!!" Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else!! ***

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Word of the Day for Wednesday July 12, 2006

connubial \kuh-NOO-bee-ul; -NYOO-\, adjective:Of or pertaining to marriage, or the marriage state; conjugal; nuptial.

Wed as teenagers in Chicago, my parents' connubial collaboration had a second result: me and, seven years after my birth, a spectacularly beautiful sequel, my sister, Marcia.-- Larry Gelbart, Laughing Matters

Given Tina's dismissive attitude toward marriage and the tumult ofher relationships with men, it would also be fascinating to know more thanwe do about the emotional texture and tone of her parents' thirty years of connubial life.-- Patricia Albers, Shadows, Fire, Snow

But no such happy marriage could now teach the admiring multitude what connubial felicity really was.-- Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice
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Chuckle 1099

Chuckle 1099
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rick R of Surrey BC!)


~Cowboys and Indians~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That’s ‘cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it’s a-comin' ***
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Word of the Day for Tuesday July 11, 2006

mountebank \MOUN-tuh-bank\, noun:1. A peddler of quack medicine, who stands on a platform to appeal to the audience.2. A charlatan; a boastful pretender to knowledge or a skill.

The man whom Mr. Masson had described as his father's guru is finally regarded by the alert, knowing, newly skeptical son as "a phony, a charlatan, a mountebank, an impostor, a quack."-- Robert Coles, "His First Fallen Idol", New York Times, February 7, 1993

Nevertheless, in William Avery Rockefeller one clearly detects the blarney and easy conviviality of the mountebank.-- Ron Chernow, Titan: The Life of John D. Rockefeller, Sr.

To his critics including some of the other topnotchers in the school of Paris, he is a talented mountebank and irrepressible showman who has lured his followers and the world up a blind artistic and intellectual alley.-- "Captain Picasso's Voyages", Time, June 26, 1950

Yet to make such judgments on any question rather than trying to examine the question properly, to discover what the full answers might be, is coercive philistinism: it is to allow the mountebank to triumph over the critic, the mob orator to drown the doubts of the sceptic.-- Kevin Myers, "An Irishman's Diary", Irish Times, November 12, 1999
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1098

Chuckle 1098
(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Harold, the Computer Guy ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

I was having trouble with my computer so I called Harold, the computer guy to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, “So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T error? What's that... in case I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." So I wrote down. I D 1 0 T

I used to like Harold! ***

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Word of the Day for Monday July 10, 2006

cap-a-pie \cap-uh-PEE\, adverb:From head to foot; at all points.

Yet it is increasingly hard to ignore other scientific predictions sashaying into the press dressed cap-a-pie in silver lining.-- Andrew Marr, "Skegness: not so much bracing as basking?", Daily Telegraph, January 14, 2004

The dress code was smart but informal and Cherie Blair cut an appropriately dark but bohemian figure dressed cap-a-pie in floor-length black leather.-- Cassandra Jardine, "Court of King Tony takes centre stage", Daily Telegraph, September 8, 2001

They are of one shade cap-a-pie, black as midnight and fleet of wing.-- M.D. Harmon, "Sorry, but it's true: Birds of a feather do flock together", Portland Press Herald, January 5, 2004

In another age, there would have been beheadings, clanging prison doors in the dark Tower; there would have been a second royal court with an army preparing to do battle, prancing steeds and knights armored cap-a-pie.-- Arnold Beichman, "Spellbinding farewell . . . and fantasy", Washington Times, September 10, 1997
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Chuckle 1097

Chuckle 1097
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Jayne C of Florence OR!)


~Window Replacement~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kinds.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.

Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! "Helllooooo?" (I told him). "It's been a year!"

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore. ***
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Word of the Day for Sunday July 9, 2006

quisling \KWIZ-ling\, noun:Someone who collaborates with an enemy occupying his or her country; a traitor.

In the clutches of Herod, a quisling whom even his Roman paymasters despise, John is an all-too-perfect personification of Israel under Roman rule abetted by Jewish collaboration.-- Jack Miles, Christ : A Crisis in the Life of God

This circle had already closed ranks around Tito in the prewar period of illegal struggle, and our ensuing sacrifices, our suffering, the exploits of both Party and people as they made war against the Nazi and Fascist occupiers and their quislings and supporters, had only further toughened and hardened the leaders.-- Milovan Djilas, Fall of the New Class
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1096

Chuckle 1096
(Pat M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

(Just ask for the 'ARKANSAS CUT’)


Yes, the new one is out! Brand new edition of...
~You Know You’re a Redneck When~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)


1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-room's so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65. ***
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• Today in history
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Word of the Day for Saturday July 8, 2006

histrionic \his-tree-ON-ik\, adjective:1. Of or relating to actors, acting, or the theater; befitting a theater; theatrical.2. Overly dramatic; deliberately affected.

As late as 1895, when George Bernard Shaw was reviewing new London productions of scripts by Henry James and Oscar Wilde, he was dealing with the interpretations imposed by an actor-manager, who would often select a play mainly because it had a role that promised to showcase his particular histrionic talents.-- Wendy Lesser, A Director Calls

And the same is true for the other judgments we make about tears, as when we deem them to be normal or excessive, sincere or manipulative, expressive or histrionic.-- Tom Lutz, Crying: The Natural and Cultural History of Tears

Rose does have too many repetitive, histrionic fits.-- Frank Rich, "Miller's 'American Clock'", New York Times, November 21, 1980
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Chuckle 1095

Chuckle 1095
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Sunny Mary of Los Osos CA!)
Note; I put this one in my unsent email archive on 7-7-04, just 2 years ago. Anyway here it is Mary!

~Dear Tide~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I have used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best.

Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started to become a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out by using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.

After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of Liquid Tide With Bleach Alternative. To my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well that the detectives came by yesterday and told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative.

Then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. It was quite a relief!

I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty Bag people.

Signed,

A Relieved Menopausal Wife ***
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(Click Today in History and learn.)
• Today in history
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Word of the Day for Friday July 7, 2006

genuflect \JEN-yuh-flekt\, intransitive verb:1. To bend the knee or touch one knee to the ground, as in worship.2. To be servilely respectful or obedient; to grovel.

After graduation I talked my way into a job at Ionic Development Corporation, a legendary place in Cambridge on the Charles River, a huge brick building with a lobby the size of a cathedral; every time I walked in, I felt as if I should genuflect.-- Daniel Lyons, Dog Days

People worship capital, adore its aura, genuflect before Porsches and Tokyo land values.-- Haruki Murakami, Dance Dance Dance (translated by Alfred Birnbaum)

Chen said recently he was proud to be a Chinese, a signal to Beijing that he is willing to be conciliatory. The communists, however, apparently want him to genuflect more unambiguously.-- Sin-Ming Shaw, "Give This Guy a Break!", Time Asia, October 30, 2000
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)