Chuckle 1331

Chuckle 1331
(Sandy J of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Forrest Gump at the Pearly Gates~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd.... "

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind.....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . "

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run." ***

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~Airline Cabin Announcements~

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine." ***
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Chuckle 1330

Chuckle 1330
(George H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Cojones De Toro~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day spent sight seeing in Mexico City. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones De Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy."

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order." The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday." The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins." ***

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~Airline Cabin Announcements~

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1329

Chuckle 1329
(Today's chuckle thanks go to GGBG of Florence OR!)


~Quick Beer before It Starts ~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts".

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top,

"You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh s--t, it's started." ***

Read on!

Gracie Allen's Classic Recipe for Roast Beef PRICELESS...... I'm only sending this to people who just might be old enough to know who Gracie Allen was. If you aren't old enough, ask an 'elder'. ---GGBG---

Gracie Allen's Classic Recipe for Roast Beef
1 large Roast of beef
1 small Roast of beef Take the two roasts and put them in the oven. When the little one burns, the big one is done. ***

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~Airline Cabin Announcements~

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
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Chuckle 1328

Chuckle 1328
(Nadine W of Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~The Three Little Pigs ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and
took their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"
You're gonna LOVE, Me for this....
The third piggy says -
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
Aren't you sorry you ever gave me your email address????? ***

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~Airline Cabin Announcements~

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1327

Chuckle 1327
(Charles M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Hearing Helped~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!" ***

Keep reading.

~I Feel Just Like a Newborn Baby~

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants. ***

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~Airline Cabin Announcements~

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
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Chuckle 1326

Chuckle 1326
(Retha A of Richland OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~How to Give a Cat a Pill~ (2nd time around)

This is a little long but the more you read the funnier it gets!
---Mr Chuckles---
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call friend for help.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get friend to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get friend to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to friend's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get friend to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

~How to Give a Dog a Pill~

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air. ***

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~Airline Cabin Announcements~

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1325

Chuckle 1325
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rich C of Yuma AZ!)


~"Where y'all from, Sam? ~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy," Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned. "Where y'all from, Sam?" asked the Ranger. With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Sam replied," The balcony." ***


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~Airline Cabin Announcements~

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
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Chuckle 1324

Chuckle 1324
(George H of Florence OR and Rick R of Surrey BC share today's
Chuckle thanks!


From George ~59 and Pregnant~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups? ***

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From Rick ~Anger Management~


HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back.
How do you control your anger?
WIFE: I clean the toilet....
HUSBAND: How does that help?
WIFE: I use your toothbrush.....***
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~Airline Cabin Announcements~

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1323

Chuckle 1323
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rick R of Surrey BC!)

~When to Start Cussing~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing. The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" I don't know, he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!" ***

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~Airline Cabin Announcements~

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa... To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
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Chuckle 1322

Chuckle 1322
(Sandy J of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Mergers for 2007~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Possible Mergers in 2007

Investment tips for 2007...for all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2007:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.

8. Knott Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW! ***

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~Airline Cabin Announcements~

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1321

Chuckle 1321
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Marlene W of Florence OR!)

~Another Blonde Chuckle~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

This has to be one of the best blonde jokes around. This should make all you technologically challenged people feel GOOD:

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?" ***

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~Airline Cabin Announcements~

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
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Chuckle 1321

Chuckle 1320
(Phyllis H Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Apprehending Terrorists~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

The NYPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending terrorists. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The NYPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "OK! OK! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!" ***
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~Airline Cabin Announcements~

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1319

Chuckle 1319
(Jayne C of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)










While in her modeling career Jayne had this photo taken!
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~How did I get here? ~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question, "How did I get here?"

Her mother told her, "God sent you."

"Did God send you, too?" asked the child. "Yes, Dear," the mother replied.

"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted. "He sent them also" the mother said.

"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child. "Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.

"So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for
200 years? No wonder every one's so damn grouchy around here!
***
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We have run out of Hollywood squares so now we will enjoy "Airline
Cabin Announcements" from Phyllis and Chet of Pasadena CA.

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

~Airline Cabin Announcements~

1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
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Chuckle 1318

Chuckle 1318
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Dean O of Florence OR!)



~Saturday Morning~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Saturday morning he got up early, put on his long johns, dressed quietly, made his lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph! He pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

He went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed where he cuddled up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible!!"

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap." ***
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~Hollywood Squares~

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1317

Chuckle 1317
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rick R of Surrey BC!)
(Note: For a better view of the daily chuckle and for you
people who can't get embedded pictures click Mr. Chuckles.)
Mr. Chuckles



~Too Far~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (With a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "Shit."
________________________________________________________

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~Hollywood Squares~

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When couples have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
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Chuckle 1316

Chuckle 1316
(George H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Counseling~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A husband and wife go to a counselor after 25 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 25 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish." ***

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~Hollywood Squares~

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
______________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1315

Chuckle 1315
(Today's chuckle thanks go to GGBG of Florence OR !)











Picture of GGBG taken last year.
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~Two Catholic Parrots~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him. "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" The priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" The priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying .. that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!" ***

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~Hollywood Squares~

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
_______________________________________________________

Chuckle 1314

Chuckle 1314
(Charles M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~A Little Too Much To Drink~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf." ***

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~Hollywood Squares~

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
_______________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1313

Chuckle 1313
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Retha A of Richland OR!)


~Grandma's Birth Control Pills~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

This doctor had been seeing an 80 year old woman for most of her
life. He finally retired.

At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all
her medications that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide
as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that
could possible help you sleep."

She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee.

"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it
in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter
drinks...................and believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

You Gotta Watch Them Grandmas..........God Love Them ***

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~Hollywood Squares~

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
________________________________________________________

Chuckle 1312

Chuckle 1312
(Jayne C of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Good bye Mom~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

I was shopping at Save A Center and noticed a little old lady following me around.

I stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at me.

She finally overtook me at the checkout, and she turned to me and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

I answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out? Good bye, Mom? As I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, I called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at me. Pleased that I had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, I went to pay for my groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk. "How come so much? I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things too."

Don't trust little Old Ladies!!! ***

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~Hollywood Squares~

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
_______________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1311

Chuckle 1311
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Scott B of______? CA!)


~"I'm from Pennsylvania." ~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?"

No," replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania."

The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya do in Pennsylvania?"

I'm a taxidermist," said the man.

The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?"

The man says, "I mount animals."

The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us!" ***

(Hey; I don't write um I just send um. ---Mr. Chuckles---)

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~Hollywood Squares~

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
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Chuckle 1310

Chuckle 1310
(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Finkelstein and Jesus~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided that He really needed a new robe.

After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him. A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit!

He asked how much He owed. Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of God? There's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor? Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the
Tailor? "

Jesus readily agreed and as promised, and extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses.

A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem, He happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.

He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership? "

"Certainly," replied Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."

"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman." The two of them debated this for some time.

Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.

A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop.

Can you guess what it read?

Are you sure you want to know?

Here it comes...

Don't say you weren't warned...





OH, DON'T WHINE & MOAN! You know you're going to pass it on.
***
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~Hollywood Squares~

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
______________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1309

Chuckle 1309
(Bev L of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Poor Service on Plane Trip~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him.

The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, "And why don't you get me a whisky you bitch."

The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee.

As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whisky you slut."

Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whisky but still no coffee for the man.

Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I expect you to get it for me right now or I'm going to slap that disgustingly ugly face of yours!"

Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by 2 burly stewards.

Plunging downwards to the ground the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who can't fly, you sure are a lippy bastard." ***

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~Hollywood Squares~

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
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Chuckle 1308

Chuckle 1308
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA!)



~Five Surgeons~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are; no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the butt are interchangeable." ***
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~Hollywood Squares~

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
_______________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)