Chucke 1482

Chuckle 1482
(Lora S of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Homer and Darlene~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'.

In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love.

And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner: It took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.

Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.

"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you.

Then you won't lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor's office.

"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"

"Oh, it worked good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again."

"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.

"Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started!" *** (Think about it and you'll get it.)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Some Interesting Facts Compiled by Retha A of Richland OR! (Some new, some old.)

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you passed gas consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
_______________________________________________________

Chucke 1481

Chuckle 1481
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Phyllis S of Pasadena CA!)

~A Penny Saved~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter". Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars". One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance." Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know - 50 dollars is 50 dollars." ***


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(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

The following is a list of quotes gathered together by Charles M
of Bradenton FL.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. -- Billy Crystal
_______________________________________________________

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
_______________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chucke 1480

Chuckle 1480
(Pat M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~School Humor~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside? TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.

TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.

TEACHER: Did you see God up there?

TOMMY: No.

TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. Possibly he just doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.

The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?

TOMMY: Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?

TOMMY: Yes

LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?

TOMMY: No

LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she possibly may not even have one!

(You Go Girl!) ***


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(Word for the Day)
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The following is a list of quotes gathered together by Charles M
of Bradenton FL.

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. -- Will Rogers
_______________________________________________________

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. -- Winston Churchill
_______________________________________________________

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. -- Phyllis Diller
_______________________________________________________

Chucke 1479

Chuckle 1479
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rich W of Paso Robles CA!)

~Bless me Father~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."


The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads." ***
_______________________________________________________

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(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

The following is a list of quotes gathered together by Charles M
of Bradenton FL.

Money can't buy you happiness. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. -- Spike Milligan
_______________________________________________________

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. -- Joe Namath
________________________________________________________

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap. -- Bob Hope
________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chucke 1478

Chuckle 1478
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Male vs. Female at the ATM Machine~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE: What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive Distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake. ***


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of Bradenton FL.

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
________________________________________________________

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

-- Alex Levine
________________________________________________________

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

-- Rodney Dangerfield
________________________________________________________

Chucke 1477

Chuckle 1477
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Bev L of Florence CA!)

~Games for Seniors~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, you're it.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy.

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means you don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee! ***



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of Bradenton FL.

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a

bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

-- Socrates
________________________________________________________

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

-- Groucho Marx
________________________________________________________

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

-- Jimmy Durante
________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chucke 1476

Chuckle 1476
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Dean O of Florence OR!)

~New CEO~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's." ***

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(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

The following is a list of quotes gathered together by Charles M
of Bradenton FL.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

-- George Burns
_______________________________________________________

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

-- Victor Borge
________________________________________________________

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

-- Mark Twain
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Chucke 1475

Chuckle 1475
(George H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Sometime it pays to be Patient~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

________________________________________________________


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The following is a list of quotes gathered together by Charles M
of Bradenton FL.

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."

-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
________________________________________________________

I had a rose named after me an d I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."

-- Eleanor Roosevelt
________________________________________________________

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement

-- Mark Twain
________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chucke 1474

Chuckle 1474
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Cathy B of Florence OR!)

~Cows, Wife & Golf~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture."

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

"I don't remember much after that..." ***


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Willie F of Sacramento CA sent this list of things to think about!
______________________________________________________

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
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Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
________________________________________________________

Chucke 1473

Chuckle 1473
(Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Skin Graft~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek." ***

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Willie F of Sacramento CA sent this list of things to think about!
______________________________________________________

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chucke 1472

Chuckle 1472
(Jayne C of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Don't Step on the Ducks ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on . Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!" ***

_______________________________________________________

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Willie F of Sacramento CA sent this list of things to think about!
______________________________________________________

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
________________________________________________________

Chucke 1471

Chuckle 1471
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Charles M of Bradenton FL!)

~Two Women Talking In Heaven~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

1st Woman: Hi! My name is Maggie.

2nd Woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st Woman: I froze to death.

2nd Woman: How horrible!

1st Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st Woman: So what happened?

2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and then down into the basement. I went through each closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive. ***

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~Willie F of Sacramento CA sent this list of things to think about! ~
______________________________________________________
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
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Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
_______________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chucke 1470

Chuckle 1470
(Joyce K of Florence AZ gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~The Puzzle~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

So, her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, and then looked at the box.

He then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do we are not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea and then," he sighed....


>


>

>

"We'll put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box." ***


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(Word for the Day)
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~Willie F of Sacramento CA sent this list of things to think about! ~
______________________________________________________
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What disease did cured ham actually have?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
________________________________________________________

Chucke 1469

Chuckle 1469
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Pat M of Florence OR!)
~Children's Science Exam Answers. ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be
made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it
removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead
sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them
perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
(brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the
Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon,
because there is no water on the moon, and nature
hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in
this fight

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get
intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks
forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
(e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the
brainium, the Borax and the abdominal cavity. The
brainium contains the brain; the borax contains
the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity
contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one.)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. ***
_____________________________________________________

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(Word for the Day)
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~Willie F of Sacramento CA sent this list of these to think about! ~
______________________________________________________
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What disease did cured ham actually have?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chucke 1468

Chuckle 1468
(Rich W of Paso Robles CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~ Magic Potion ~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is '1234', and it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again for another year!"

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123." He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life.. Just as the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition. ***
________________________________________________________

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Willie F of Sacramento CA sent this list of things to think about!
______________________________________________________

Can you cry under water?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
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________________________________________________________

Chuckle 1467

Chuckle 1467
(Nadine W of Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Roger and Chuck~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Two Older Gentlemen, Roger and Chuck, met in their park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Roger didn't show up.

Chuck didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Roger hadn't shown up for a week or so, Chuck really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at their park, Chuck didn't know where Roger lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Chuck figured he had seen the last of Roger. But one day, Chuck approached the park and lo and behold there sat Roger! Chuck was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Roger, what in the world happened to you?"

Roger replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Chuck. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Roger said, "you know Judy, that cute little waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?"

"Yeah," said Chuck, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty. And ...the Judge gave me 30 days for perjury." ***
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Home remedies from Carrie M of Sacramento CA!

~Amazingly Simple Home Remedies~

9. Remember: EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM. So be brief with people.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chucke 1466

Chuckle 1466
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Retha A of Richland OR!)

~Why Our Country is in Trouble~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in! ***

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Home remedies from Carrie M of Sacramento CA!

~Amazingly Simple Home Remedies~

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40; if it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

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Chucke 1465

Chuckle 1465
(Rich C of Yuma AZ gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Want Coffee~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter "Want coffee."

The waiter says 'Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?'

The Indian smiles and proudly says "Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day." ***


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Home remedies from Carrie M of Sacramento CA!

~Amazingly Simple Home Remedies~

4. For high-blood-pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chucke 1464

Chuckle 1464
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Phyllis S of Pasadena CA!)


~A Sweet Grandmother~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?" The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302." The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse." After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone, "Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday." The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news." The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?" The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit. ***


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Home remedies from Carrie M of Sacramento CA!

~Amazingly Simple Home Remedies~

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and, presto, the blockage will be removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with your wife about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
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Chucke 1463

Chuckle 1463
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Catholic Gasoline~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, an Exxon Gasoline station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic." ***

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Solutions for problems found around the house, sent to us by Sandy J of Florence OR.

Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
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Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
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Unclog a drain. Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka Seltzer tablets down the drain followed by a cup of white vinegar. Wait a few minutes, and then run the hot water.
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1462

Chuckle 1462
(Joyce K of Florence AZ gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Ham Sandwich~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

"Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard.

I had no napkin

I licked it off. It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do; only I did it on my tongue.

Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said, "Now you know why they call that fancy mustard."Poupon."

When you stop laughing, pass it on. ***

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Solutions for problems found around the house, sent to us by Sandy J of Florence OR.


When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, and then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.
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Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.

Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush! And flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous China
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Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets.
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Chuckle 1461

Chuckle 1461
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Charlie M of Bradenton FL!)

~The Hillbilly Vasectomy~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to
10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!


"1"


"2"


"3"


"4"


"5"

(You'll love this...)

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Texas, Mississippi, Missouri, North Carolina, Florida, West Virginia and Washington DC ***


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Solutions for problems found around the house, sent to us by Sandy J of Florence OR.

To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on the area and you will experience instant relief.
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Ants, ants, ants everywhere... Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line. So get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march. See for yourself.
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Use air-freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and better still, leaves a lovely smell to the shine.
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1460

Chuckle 1460
(Pam S of Roseville CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Contractors~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence. One from Iran, another from Mexico and an American. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The American contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Mexican contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Persian contractor, Hassan, doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," Hassan explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Mexico."

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Solutions for problems found around the house, sent to us by Sandy J of Florence OR.

When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness. ============================================
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away
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Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces (Left over wine? What's that?! :)
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Chuckle 1459

Chuckle 1459
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Carrie M of Sacramento CA!)

~Police Pull Over~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

For what reason is the Police Officer pulling these people over?

For the answer; Look below.

>

>

How long did it take you to realize..........She's not wearing a helmet!***
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Solutions for problems found around the house, sent to us by Sandy J of Florence OR.

To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, a nd bring to a boil on stove top.
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Spray your TUPPERWARE with non stick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
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Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
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( Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1458

Chuckle 1458
(Catherine B of Florence gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~FREE BBQ Grills! ~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

As every Southerner knows it's time to get ready for that all important cooking technique of the south---outdoor grilling!

I have just found out that there are several stores (not just in the south) where you can get a FREE Bar-B-Q Grill! You can get a free BBQ grill from any of the following stores:

A&P
Albertsons
Cub
Rainbow
Menards
Costco
Dan's
Food Lion
Fry's
Home Depot
Kroger
Big Lots
Brookshire's
Lowes
Publix
Safeway
Sam's Club
Target
Vons
Trader Joe's
Wal-Mart
Winn-Dixie


I especially like the higher rack - which can be used for keeping things warm!

Just make sure to get a metal one...the Plastic ones don't do so well (I melted 3 of them.)

Ya'll enjoy now!!



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Solutions for problems found around the house, sent to us by Sandy J of Florence OR.


Place fabric softener sheets in dresser drawers and your clothes will smell freshly washed for weeks to come. You can also do this with towels and linen.
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Candles will last a lot longer if placed in the freezer for at least 3 hours prior to burning.
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To clean artificial flowers, pour some salt into a paper bag and add the flowers. Shake vigorously as the salt will absorb all the dust and dirt and leave your artificial flowers looking like new! Works like a charm!
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