Chuckle 1652

Chuckle 1652
(Charles M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Hypnotherapy~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Woman comes home and tells her husband: 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies: 'My GP referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone.' Well, that is wonderful' said the husband.

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'

The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'Boy that was wonderful!'

The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says,
'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

'She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!'

His funeral service will be held on Saturday. ***


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~Facts to ponder~ (Our thanks for this compilation

of facts goes to Joyce K of Florence AZ.)

At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.

The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.

Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.
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(Find the 6 differences, for answers check spots on 3rd drawing
below.)

Chuckle 1651

Chuckle 1651
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Bev L of Florence OR!)

~Drive with Daddy~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old daughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and he really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their daughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her father. "Well," the father asked, "did you enjoy your ride with mommy?" "Oh yes, Daddy" the girl replied, "and do you know what? ...We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy sh*t-head the entire trip!" ...Kinda brings a tear to your eye doesn't it? ***

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~Facts to ponder~ (Our thanks for this compilation of facts

goes to Joyce K of Florence AZ.)
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The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.

It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.

Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
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"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1650

Chuckle 1650
(Pat M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Bubba's New Truck~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where'd you git that truck?"

"Tammie give it to me." Bubba replied.

"She give it to ya?

I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened. We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres. Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,

'Bubba, take whatever you want.'

So I took the truck!"

(Tammie)

"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!" ***

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~Facts to ponder~ (Our thanks for this compilation

of facts goes to Joyce K of Florence AZ.)

A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands.

A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.
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(Find the 6 differences, for answers check spots on 3rd drawing
below.)

Chuckle 1649

Chuckle 1649
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Pam S of Roseville CA!)


~Miscommunication~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

* A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk. So he grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled on it. I left before he finished the note.
* About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate.
* Attached is what he found. Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to........


>


>


>


>


>


>

***
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~Facts to ponder~ (Our thanks for this compilation

of facts goes to Joyce K of Florence AZ.)

You use 200 muscles to take one step.

The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.

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"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1648

Chuckle 1648
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Goldie C of Florence OR.!)


~Gender-Specific Driving Etiquette~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A woman is driving at night on a narrow country road.. At the same time a man is driving in the opposite direction on that same road.

When they narrowly pass each other at high speed, the woman rolls down her window and loudly shouts - HORSE! Immediately the man shouts back - BITCH!

The man laughs. He is proud to have reacted so quickly to the shouting woman and takes the next turn in the road, maintaining his speed.

Moral of the story: Men never listen, and when they do, they don't

understand one word a woman says. ***

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~Facts to ponder~ (Our thanks for this compilation of facts goes to Joyce K of Florence AZ.)

The human body is a machine that is full of wonder. This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why in the heck we were designed the way we were.

Scientists say the higher your I. Q., the more you dream.

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.
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(Find the 6 differences, for answers check spots on 3rd drawing
below.)

Chuckle 1647

Chuckle 1647
(Jayne C of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Why We Drink~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello?

''Is your daddy home?' he asked.

'Yes,' whispered the small voice.

'May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No.'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?'

'Yes.'

'May I talk with her?'

Again the small voice whispered, ' No.'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

'Yes,' whispered the child, ' a policeman '.

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

'No, he's busy ', whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

'A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered,

'The search team just landed a helicopter.'

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... 'ME.'


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Pam S of Roseville CA gets our thanks for these Stella Awards!

1ST PLACE : (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please) This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just incase Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

Are we, as a society, getting more stupid...?
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"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1646

Chuckle 1646
(George H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~The Old Rancher ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

"How's the new wife?" asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, "Good - she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

Don't ever underestimate old Guys. ***

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2ND PLACE : Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.
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(Find the 6 differences, for answers check spots on 3rd drawing
below.)

Chuckle 1645

Chuckle 1645
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rick R of Surrey BC!)

~All Seniors Aren't Senile!!!~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!
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Pam S of Roseville CA gets our thanks for these Stella Awards!

3RD PLACE: Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. Whatever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more Stella Awards to go...

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"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1644

Chuckle 1644
(Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Softball in Heaven~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there."

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb."

"Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Barb -- it's me, Rose."

"You're not Rose. Rose just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice.

"Rose! Where are you?"

"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.

"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," said Barb. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."
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Pam S of Roseville CA gets our thanks for these Stella Awards!

4TH PLACE : Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Grrrrr ... Scratch, scratch.
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(Find the 6 differences, for answers check spots on 3rd drawing
below.)

Chuckle 1643

Chuckle 1643
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Retha A of Richland OR!)

~Four Short Chuckles~
(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)


One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"

They Walk Among Us!

====================

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

They Walk Among Us!!

====================

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."


They Walk Among Us!

====================

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

They Walk Among Us!

====================

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Pam S of Roseville CA gets our thanks for these Stella Awards!


5TH PLACE : Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.

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"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1642

Chuckle 1642
(Dean O of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~To be Six Again~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong. ***

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Pam S of Roseville CA gets our thanks for these Stella Awards!


6TH PLACE : Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.
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(Find the 6 differences, for answers check spots on 3rd drawing
below.)

Chuckle 1641

Chuckle 1641
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Willie F of Sacramento CA!)


~Nursing Home Caper~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.

The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5.00 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing, but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.

"Get serious," she replies. "Four times in the rocker."

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Pam S of Roseville CA gets our thanks for these Stella Award

It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those who are unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?

That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stella's for the past year:

7 TH PLACE : Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
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"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1640

Chuckle 1640
(Rich W of Paso Robles CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~ Finding Love When It's Freezing ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.

The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip
(no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.

In the deep snow she didn't have very good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's, concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be "pants down". And you thought your first date was embarrassing!

Jay Leno's comment, "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."

Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Tonight Show. ***

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Seven Degrees of Blondes was sent to us by Pat M of
Florence OR; Thanks Pat!

SIXTH DEGREE Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, for answers check spots on 3rd drawing
below.)

Chuckle 1639

Chuckle 1639
(Rich C of Yuma AZ gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~The Blonde Waitress~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I
want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running
boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat Tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is? An auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of
Headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of Crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,

Headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

FOR ONCE THE BLONDIE GETS EVEN!

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Seven Degrees of Blondes was sent to us by Pat M of
Florence OR; Thanks Pat!

FIFTH DEGREE Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? A: "Is it mine?"

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"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1638

Chuckle 1638
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Nadine W of Carpinteria CA!)


~Church Squirrels~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

There were five country churches in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church,
the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will..

In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

Keep going....

For all who appreciate the outdoors . .. . the rarely photographed South Florida Squirrel. ***

________________________________________________________

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Seven Degrees of Blondes was sent to us by Pat M of
Florence OR; Thanks Pat!

FOURTH DEGREE A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me; ... I know 'em all."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy ... it's W."
________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, for answers check spots on 3rd drawing
below.)

Chuckle 1637

Chuckle 1637
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Bubba and Duke~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A Phone Company was going to hire a team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two rednecks and a team of two Irish guys.

So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will install poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job."

Both teams agreed to that, and headed right out.

At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.

Forty-five minutes later, Bubba and Duke, the redneck guys, came back and they were totally exhausted. The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"

Bubba, the team leader wiped his brow and sighed, "Duke and me, we got three in."

The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!"

"Yeah," said Bubba, "but you should see how much they left stickin' out of the ground!" ***


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Seven Degrees of Blondes was sent to us by Pat M of
Florence OR; Thanks Pat!


THIRD DEGREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

________________________________________________________

"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1636

Chuckle 1636
(Bev L of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Two More Short Ones~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'

He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'

'So, where were you all these years?'

'In prison,' he says.

'Why did they put you in prison?'

He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'

'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...' ***

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~WALKING AND BEER~

A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles per year.

Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud to be an American... ***


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(Word for the Day)
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Seven Degrees of Blondes was sent to us by Pat M of
Florence OR; Thanks Pat!

SECOND DEGREE Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, for answers check spots on 3rd drawing
below.)

Chuckle 1635

Chuckle 1635
(Goldie C of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Two Short Ones~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

~Cold Crabs~

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up. So she took them home and ate them herself.

Men never learn! ***

________________________________________________________

~Call Center~

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

________________________________________________________

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. Today in history
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(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

Seven Degrees of Blondes was sent to us by Pat M of
Florence OR; Thanks Pat!

FIRST DEGREE A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife answered, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

________________________________________________________

"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1634

Chuckle 1634
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Phyllis S of Pasadena CA!)


~Spaghetti~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. His wife said, 'Honey, you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it,' he said. The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and collapsed.

On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without! Request bread... ***

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(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________


Thanks go to Phyllis S of Pasadena CA for 1977 - 2007

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. The people who are starting college this year were born in 1989.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, for answers check spots on 3rd drawing
below.)

Chuckle 1633

Chuckle 1633
(Pat M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Jesus and the Burglar~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, and then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a pit bull 'Jesus.'" ***

________________________________________________________

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______________________________________________________

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(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

Thanks go to Phyllis S of Pasadena CA for 1977 - 2007

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.
The people who are starting college this year were born in 1989.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
______________________________________________________

"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1632

Chuckle 1632
(Marlene W of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Winter Blonde ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window.

Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Utah and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!" ***
______________________________________________________

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. Today in history
______________________________________________________

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(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

Thanks go to Phyllis S of Pasadena CA for 1977 - 2007

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. The people who are starting college this year were born in 1989.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.
________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, for answers check spots on 3rd drawing
below.)

Chuckle 1631

Chuckle 1631
(Today's chuckle thanks go to George H of Florence OR!)


~The Sensitive Man~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears; she is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!'

Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, and more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:


'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf' ***
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Thanks go to Phyllis S of Pasadena CA for 1977 - 2007

This is sent only to those of you whose level of maturity

qualifies them to relate to it. ---Phyllis---

1977 : Passing the drivers' test
2007: Passing the vision test

1977 : Whatever
2007 : Depends

Tomorrow starts: Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. The people who are starting college this year were born in 1989.
_______________________________________________________

"Have a nice day!"

Chuckle 1630

Chuckle 1630
(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks!)



~Redneck Divorce Letter ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Dear Cooter,

Me an Sue Ellen have divorced, the judge gave her the double wide and the pickup.

So, like the court order said, I delivered the truck before 2 O'clock, yesterday afternoon! I took a piccure fer proof that I delivered it. Wanted to make sure she found it when she got home!!!

How's your day going? See ya later,

Your Buddy, Bubba

"Git er done!"

__________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.
. Today in history
______________________________________________________

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(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

Thanks go to Phyllis S of Pasadena CA for 1977 - 2007

This is sent only to those of you whose level of maturity

qualifies them to relate to it. ---Phyllis---

1977 : Rolling Stones
2007: Kidney Stones

1977 : Screw the system
2007: Upgrade the system

1977 : Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2007: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, for answers check spots on 3rd drawing
below.)